Why is it that when we need to say something, we often times don’t say anything at all, and when we need not say anything at all, it is so very hard to keep our mouths shut? I started thinking about this while I was staying with a couple friends of mine, or a couple friend, married as they are, becoming ‘one’ as they say. Anyways, far be it from me to wax intellectual about marriage and relationships of which I know not. So, back to my point, I was visiting this wonderful couple, in whom I find 2 of my absolutely closest friends, both just in a friendship sense and in the bond of a highly spiritual aspect as well, and one evening they got into some conversation that made them both go quiet for the next half hour. I’m not calling it an argument, because like I said, in the context of a relationship I dare not make any call as to what is, or what should be proper conduct or even just what is or should happen in that relationship. Being single me whole life, in my opinion, rules me out of the ability to ‘call that one’, as a referee calls a match I suppose.
So, we’re sitting in the car on the way to dinner with some friends, and the first half our of the ride is damn near completely silent, and it gets me thinking. Firstly my brain headed towards the question, “why do people just not say “I’m Sorry” when it seems that a simple gesture of apologetics would correct the wrong. Now, I’m not saying that in every case an apology is needed, ONLY an apology is needed, I don’t necessarily agree with that. I believe sometimes we need time to just step back and let be what we need let be, or take some time to ourselves to get our head and thoughts and heart around what has just happened and back into a right frame of mind to be able to apologize in a right manner. And that was my second thought, where the title of this little rant comes from “the power of a word…”, being that we have become increasingly flippant with our words, our apologies, our words of affirmation and comfort, etc… Do I say “I’m Sorry” because I feel it is the ‘right’ thing to do? Have I said “I love you” because you expect me too at the end of the phone call? Am I associating all of my words with an actual thought, or has this world, and the throwing back and forth of such phrases and words made my words to the people that matter most automated?
I guess the questions this brings up are:Why do we not say what we should say, at all?Why do we say what we shouldn’t say at the wrong times, or even say what we should say, but at the wrong times?
Why are we saying what we aren’t feeling…are we meaning what we say?
Why does it take so long for us to say what we should say, if we are going to say it at all?
There are probably other questions floating in my head, but it’s early and I don’t know what they are, they might just get out sometime later on in this little writ.
Let’s tackle the first…Why do we not say what we should say? Well, there are multiple reasons I suppose, I think I can best, and probably only speak out of my own life and experience, as I can’t answer for you, or you, or you (wow, very lofty of me, assuming at least myself and 3 people will read this…). Assume for the next bit that I am not talking about ‘taking time’ to figure out what to say, or taking time to deal with your heart etc… like I was talking about early. What I am saying here is ‘when something needs to be said, why do we not say it?’. I think the simplest of reasons would be our good friend pride. Pride covers a multitude of sins, and I do not mean cover in the sense of getting rid of, but rather encompasses most of what we deal with when it comes to relationships. I will not say what I need to say, simply because I am trying to prove a point, I am right, You are wrong. Get over it woman, I have the right answer. He’s such a jerk, I’m not saying sorry to that asshole. Mom just thinks she knows everything, always down my throat about stuff, she doesn’t deserve my apology. I can’t believe dad would be such a hypocrite, he went through the same thing as me, yet seems to act like he has no idea what I’m going through, I will not say I’m sorry to that… etc…
We believe we are right, we are offended by someone, we think we’re smarter, or we just don’t want to admit we are wrong. That’s the biggest probably, not wanting to admit we are wrong. I must appear strong, so I am not taken advantage of. I must appear ‘all together’ because if I don’t, someone will exploit my weakness.
I’m going to share something that God spoke to me a while ago, it made more sense when it comes to things like this than I’ve seen in a while in relationships. He said “give honour over awkward…” I didn’t get it at first, I thought “what on earth are you talking about, I’m not awkward… and why are you dragging honour into this?”. Then it slowly started to sink in. It was first in the context of a girl I really liked, yet at the same time, was dating my best friend (she was, not me lol…) and it was a little awkward for us all in some ways, they knew they weren’t supposed to be dating, and they were anyways, and God started to talk to me about this honour over awkward.
Imagine for a moment that you are sitting on a park bench with a girl (and you are a guy) or you are a girl and you’re sitting with a guy, doesn’t bother me none. Now, you are struggling with this person as to ‘how far is to far’ or something of the sort. You feel inside that you should talk about it, it makes sense doesn’t it, it’s not going to get resolved if we don’t talk about it, but what will he think, what will he say, will he stop liking me, will he think that I’m just a party killer and leave me for someone that will be like he wants? YET, at the very, exactly, precisely same moment the person you are with is thinking the exact same thing about you…
So, instead of thinking that what you need to say will make things awkward, believe that what you need to say will be honouring to the other person. The interesting thing about honouring someone is that sometimes they don’t know it. If for instance a young girl offers herself to me (extreme, but go with me), she will undoubtedly no think of me saying no as ‘honouring’ her, but in my saying no, I am preferring her because I don’t want her, or myself to go through something that we will regret. So, in saying no I will think “oh man, she is going to hate me, it’s going to be so awkward, it is going to be so horrible, she won’t talk to me again…”, yet, that is simply a trick of the enemy to get us to do something we were not supposed to do.
Honour over Awkward. It could almost be said “Honour = Awkward”. Are you willing to be awkward? Are you willing to honour someone no matter what the personal cost?
I started out talking about things that get in between relationships, and I want to get back there just for a moment. I want to encourage us all to follow what the bible says, “Do not let the sun go down on your wrath.” Or however it says it, I always tend to forget what it says exactly, but the meaning of it is simply, “get dealt with today, the dealings of today…” Do not let the enemy have a hold on your relationships for more time than he ought to. Deal with these things. A friend pisses you off, talk about it, get it out there, don’t hold it and harbour it. It is a dirty ship that will make the waters of your soul murky at best. Be willing to honour people instead of continuing to hold onto things in fear of ‘awkwardness’.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Bad things happen...
3 of 3...i promise, i'll be quiet for a couple days now... these 3 posts don't tie in so much, so no need to feel you need ot read all three or you will miss something, also no need to read them in order...or read them at all...hope you're having a good day and have a smile on your face...
Why is it that when we think we are going through a hard time, God has disappeared on us, or that He has turned his back on us, or simply that we are ‘under attack’? Thinking about things this evening, I was reminded of how Jesus went through suffering and death, and it was the ‘good’ thing we NEEDED him to do. We would not be where we are today if God had not sent His son Jesus to earth as a man, lived his life and gave it up through a horrible death on a cross.
So, we do not understand why good people die, or why bad things happen to good people. Yet, do we think that Mary and Joseph, knowing now what we know about Jesus dying for our salvation, would have complained and turned their backs on God because their son was killed by a mob?
We expect all good things to be from God, and we should, the bible says that very thing, “All good gifts come from the Father.” And “if we as evil parents know how to give our children good gifts, how much more does our Father in heaven know how to lavish on us…” (a little out of context, that verse is referring to God giving us the Holy spirit. Although is there any greater gift than the ultimate counselour, the power of heaven, and the comfort of a King, love, joy, peace, understanding, all the ‘gifts’ of the spirit. To inherit the Spirit is to inherit his ‘gifts’, so in the sense of receiving from God, we have actually received all we need and more through the receipt of the Holy Spirit. But I drift a little from where I am going to make a point; We MUST expect goodness and good gifts from our God. However, what we must not discount is that there are things that happen in this world that do not look ‘good’ to us that the Lord allows us and even leads us into to bring us into a new area of our lives, or to teach us something we can only learn in that place of difficulty.
You can read all you want about a bullet wound, but until you have a bullet flying at hundreds of feet per second (or however fast a bullet travels) lodged into your leg, you have not fully understood what a bullet wound is all about, let alone the fact that different places of receiving that lodged bullet would mean more or less pain, and quite possibly your death. What did Jesus need to learn from being in the wilderness for 40 days without food and water? I once fasted for 40 days. The first 7 I was eating just fruits and vegetables, then I felt God saying I needed to only drink liquids (no restriction but alcohol), and then after 4 days of that only to have water. By about the 30th day or so I was in the hospital, sicker than I had ever been. I wish not to do a 40 day fast again. For the remainder of those days I restricted on what I was eating based on what I felt the Lord was saying to me. I don’t say this to gloat or to say I did something great. I say this to put a little severity to the situation that Jesus went through. How hard it must have been. I know I will never do a fast like that again unless I have the ability to walk into the wilderness for 40 days like Jesus did. If you must continue to work, and drive, and play, and live outside of seeking God for 40 days, then your fast will be harder than what Jesus did, so I recommend not doing so.
Now, having said that, I don’t want to actually say that Your fast would be harder than what Jesus did, simply because I do not want to belittle what Jesus went through, and to also point out that I was not there, have never done a 40 day fast and have no idea how it is going to affect my life. Maybe one day I can share with you how it does affect my life. (don’t get all ‘oh but you’re not supposed to say you were fasting’)…We know Jesus fasted didn’t we? And the bible tells us to on several occasions, including Jesus telling the apostles that “this one only comes out by prayer and fasting.” Meaning, we must fast, and if Jesus can talk to his crew about it, I can surely encourage and be encouraged by you all. Now lets move on.
Paul was sent through the ringer on multiple, horrifying occasions to end up in Rome to preach the gospel. Jesus was ‘bruised for our iniquities, by his stripes we are healed.” Out of bad things, good things happen. Do not despise the bad things that are happening in your life.
Job walked through hell and back, and in the end he had more than he had when we start his story. God told Jacob to sacrifice his only son, that’s pretty bad right there, I don’t care who you are, that’s a trip right there. And I could even go as far as saying that is ‘bad’, and God himself told Jacob that. But in the end what happened? He was blessed, and Isaac was blessed etc…
What I believe the issue is, and I think that almost everything I write goes back to this point somewhere in my writing, is simply that we do not understand the heart of God fully to judge whether we are in a thing of God or if we are ‘under attack’. Jesus spent 30 years getting ready for his ‘ministry’, he also retreated to solitude with the Father on more times than we can account for, as well as doing so in the middle of teaching or preaching or healing the masses. Relationship is the ticket to understanding what God is doing in our lives. I believe that full heartedly.
Jesus didn’t always understand it either. “If this cup can be taken from me…” That is a desperate plea, from a man on his road to being killed by the brutality of a mob. He also knew what He was supposed to do and what He was going to endure, and because there was no other way to have this happen, He walked that road and gave his life for us. I don’t know about you, but I am thankful that something bad happened to someone good. You could say that I am thankful that someone’s son was killed, that someone’s brother was killed, that someone’s teacher, mentor, best friend and companion was killed, right in front of them, as they cried, and sobbed in horror, without understanding the full extent of what was going on. I can only imagine what was going through the disciples heads when this happened. They never put it together until then. Jesus told them he had to go away, He told them to their faces, and yet when it happened, what would have gone through their heads. I can tell you what might have gone through my head. Maybe something like, “oh my goodness, were we right in following this guy all this time? Was he really the Messiah? What is going on? Who do we turn to, he was everything we knew, I am not ready for him to be gone…”
That’s another very interesting thought. How many of Jesus’ disciples cried out “it’s to early, I can’t do this on my own yet, we need you Jesus, I need to learn more, I need to have you here with me, there is so much I don’t understand.”
I’m sure we have all felt that way a little on some level or another, wondering why we have been thrown into something so early, kicking and screaming, “it’s to early, I am not ready.” Life is about being thrown into the deep end and learning to swim on your own. Life I said before, you cannot only read about a bullet wound to fully understand the ins and outs, the pain and the draining effect of a bullet would until you have a bullet lodged in your leg (or anywhere else). It is in the act of doing what you have learned about or read about that you gain an appreciation, or I guess better said, an understanding about what it is you have just done.
I can read all about healing and setting people free, I can learn all there is to know about casting out a demon, but until I actually step forward, see someone possessed by a demon and step up to the plate, exercise the authority in Jesus Christ that was given to me and cast it out of the person, setting them free, I do not know what it is like to cast a demon out.
I am as guilty as those I speak to, and some of you may not be guilty, and to you I say good on ya, keep up the good work, I, as well as God and those of us around are proud of you and inspired by you in what you do, but I am guilty of sitting in a corner waiting for the world to come to me, rather than stepping up to the plate and swinging. “Pony up” as the cowboys used to say… (did they really say that?, and I can only guess it means ‘man up’). I’ve stepped onto more trails than I planned. I started with a simple thought that I’m rather glad something bad happened to someone good…
Don’t be afraid of the hard times. Ye, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil, for thou art with me, thy rod and thy staff comfort me. If we are to pray that, then there must be a time we will be walking through that valley. But we are instructed to no fear, because greater is he that is in us, than he that is in this world who opposes us.
The reverse of all of this is true as well. I’m pretty sure I have asked this before, “why do good things happen to bad people?”. Well I can tell you that I’m glad that a good thing (salvation) happened to a bad person (me), because that’s where my supposed ‘goodness’ took over, and yet most days I wonder if I can actually claim that I am one of the ‘good’ ones. We have all had, and continue to have our stints in the world of sin, and we are also all offered the free gift of redemption, salvation and forgiveness through the death of Jesus. So, next time you look at a ‘bad’ person and wonder why something good happened to them, remember that the very same thing happened to you, and your good thing, salvation, is far better than their good thing on this earth.
For the sake of good, a bad thing had to happen. And for the sake of a bad person a good person had to die. We can only inherit what we are willing to receive.
Do not despise hard times, but instead turn to God for comfort and salvation through those times. Ye though I walk… remember those words always. It is in those words that you will find comfort. There will be times that we walk through hard times, walk through things we do not understand, but we must ask what goodness is on the other side of that darkness.
God, I choose to not despise the ‘bad’ things I find myself walking through, but instead, I will endeavor to press into you, to find your face and to seek your presence, your friendship and your companionship; to know you as father, and to know you as Saviour. To understand the fullness of your presence, the reality of you living in me, the reality of your spirit being within me, and “I in you, You in me, even as Jesus is in You, Father.” Help me to realize the times I am in, and when I don’t, to continue to trust in you and trust that you have good places for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me a future and a hope. All to your Glory God…
Why is it that when we think we are going through a hard time, God has disappeared on us, or that He has turned his back on us, or simply that we are ‘under attack’? Thinking about things this evening, I was reminded of how Jesus went through suffering and death, and it was the ‘good’ thing we NEEDED him to do. We would not be where we are today if God had not sent His son Jesus to earth as a man, lived his life and gave it up through a horrible death on a cross.
So, we do not understand why good people die, or why bad things happen to good people. Yet, do we think that Mary and Joseph, knowing now what we know about Jesus dying for our salvation, would have complained and turned their backs on God because their son was killed by a mob?
We expect all good things to be from God, and we should, the bible says that very thing, “All good gifts come from the Father.” And “if we as evil parents know how to give our children good gifts, how much more does our Father in heaven know how to lavish on us…” (a little out of context, that verse is referring to God giving us the Holy spirit. Although is there any greater gift than the ultimate counselour, the power of heaven, and the comfort of a King, love, joy, peace, understanding, all the ‘gifts’ of the spirit. To inherit the Spirit is to inherit his ‘gifts’, so in the sense of receiving from God, we have actually received all we need and more through the receipt of the Holy Spirit. But I drift a little from where I am going to make a point; We MUST expect goodness and good gifts from our God. However, what we must not discount is that there are things that happen in this world that do not look ‘good’ to us that the Lord allows us and even leads us into to bring us into a new area of our lives, or to teach us something we can only learn in that place of difficulty.
You can read all you want about a bullet wound, but until you have a bullet flying at hundreds of feet per second (or however fast a bullet travels) lodged into your leg, you have not fully understood what a bullet wound is all about, let alone the fact that different places of receiving that lodged bullet would mean more or less pain, and quite possibly your death. What did Jesus need to learn from being in the wilderness for 40 days without food and water? I once fasted for 40 days. The first 7 I was eating just fruits and vegetables, then I felt God saying I needed to only drink liquids (no restriction but alcohol), and then after 4 days of that only to have water. By about the 30th day or so I was in the hospital, sicker than I had ever been. I wish not to do a 40 day fast again. For the remainder of those days I restricted on what I was eating based on what I felt the Lord was saying to me. I don’t say this to gloat or to say I did something great. I say this to put a little severity to the situation that Jesus went through. How hard it must have been. I know I will never do a fast like that again unless I have the ability to walk into the wilderness for 40 days like Jesus did. If you must continue to work, and drive, and play, and live outside of seeking God for 40 days, then your fast will be harder than what Jesus did, so I recommend not doing so.
Now, having said that, I don’t want to actually say that Your fast would be harder than what Jesus did, simply because I do not want to belittle what Jesus went through, and to also point out that I was not there, have never done a 40 day fast and have no idea how it is going to affect my life. Maybe one day I can share with you how it does affect my life. (don’t get all ‘oh but you’re not supposed to say you were fasting’)…We know Jesus fasted didn’t we? And the bible tells us to on several occasions, including Jesus telling the apostles that “this one only comes out by prayer and fasting.” Meaning, we must fast, and if Jesus can talk to his crew about it, I can surely encourage and be encouraged by you all. Now lets move on.
Paul was sent through the ringer on multiple, horrifying occasions to end up in Rome to preach the gospel. Jesus was ‘bruised for our iniquities, by his stripes we are healed.” Out of bad things, good things happen. Do not despise the bad things that are happening in your life.
Job walked through hell and back, and in the end he had more than he had when we start his story. God told Jacob to sacrifice his only son, that’s pretty bad right there, I don’t care who you are, that’s a trip right there. And I could even go as far as saying that is ‘bad’, and God himself told Jacob that. But in the end what happened? He was blessed, and Isaac was blessed etc…
What I believe the issue is, and I think that almost everything I write goes back to this point somewhere in my writing, is simply that we do not understand the heart of God fully to judge whether we are in a thing of God or if we are ‘under attack’. Jesus spent 30 years getting ready for his ‘ministry’, he also retreated to solitude with the Father on more times than we can account for, as well as doing so in the middle of teaching or preaching or healing the masses. Relationship is the ticket to understanding what God is doing in our lives. I believe that full heartedly.
Jesus didn’t always understand it either. “If this cup can be taken from me…” That is a desperate plea, from a man on his road to being killed by the brutality of a mob. He also knew what He was supposed to do and what He was going to endure, and because there was no other way to have this happen, He walked that road and gave his life for us. I don’t know about you, but I am thankful that something bad happened to someone good. You could say that I am thankful that someone’s son was killed, that someone’s brother was killed, that someone’s teacher, mentor, best friend and companion was killed, right in front of them, as they cried, and sobbed in horror, without understanding the full extent of what was going on. I can only imagine what was going through the disciples heads when this happened. They never put it together until then. Jesus told them he had to go away, He told them to their faces, and yet when it happened, what would have gone through their heads. I can tell you what might have gone through my head. Maybe something like, “oh my goodness, were we right in following this guy all this time? Was he really the Messiah? What is going on? Who do we turn to, he was everything we knew, I am not ready for him to be gone…”
That’s another very interesting thought. How many of Jesus’ disciples cried out “it’s to early, I can’t do this on my own yet, we need you Jesus, I need to learn more, I need to have you here with me, there is so much I don’t understand.”
I’m sure we have all felt that way a little on some level or another, wondering why we have been thrown into something so early, kicking and screaming, “it’s to early, I am not ready.” Life is about being thrown into the deep end and learning to swim on your own. Life I said before, you cannot only read about a bullet wound to fully understand the ins and outs, the pain and the draining effect of a bullet would until you have a bullet lodged in your leg (or anywhere else). It is in the act of doing what you have learned about or read about that you gain an appreciation, or I guess better said, an understanding about what it is you have just done.
I can read all about healing and setting people free, I can learn all there is to know about casting out a demon, but until I actually step forward, see someone possessed by a demon and step up to the plate, exercise the authority in Jesus Christ that was given to me and cast it out of the person, setting them free, I do not know what it is like to cast a demon out.
I am as guilty as those I speak to, and some of you may not be guilty, and to you I say good on ya, keep up the good work, I, as well as God and those of us around are proud of you and inspired by you in what you do, but I am guilty of sitting in a corner waiting for the world to come to me, rather than stepping up to the plate and swinging. “Pony up” as the cowboys used to say… (did they really say that?, and I can only guess it means ‘man up’). I’ve stepped onto more trails than I planned. I started with a simple thought that I’m rather glad something bad happened to someone good…
Don’t be afraid of the hard times. Ye, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil, for thou art with me, thy rod and thy staff comfort me. If we are to pray that, then there must be a time we will be walking through that valley. But we are instructed to no fear, because greater is he that is in us, than he that is in this world who opposes us.
The reverse of all of this is true as well. I’m pretty sure I have asked this before, “why do good things happen to bad people?”. Well I can tell you that I’m glad that a good thing (salvation) happened to a bad person (me), because that’s where my supposed ‘goodness’ took over, and yet most days I wonder if I can actually claim that I am one of the ‘good’ ones. We have all had, and continue to have our stints in the world of sin, and we are also all offered the free gift of redemption, salvation and forgiveness through the death of Jesus. So, next time you look at a ‘bad’ person and wonder why something good happened to them, remember that the very same thing happened to you, and your good thing, salvation, is far better than their good thing on this earth.
For the sake of good, a bad thing had to happen. And for the sake of a bad person a good person had to die. We can only inherit what we are willing to receive.
Do not despise hard times, but instead turn to God for comfort and salvation through those times. Ye though I walk… remember those words always. It is in those words that you will find comfort. There will be times that we walk through hard times, walk through things we do not understand, but we must ask what goodness is on the other side of that darkness.
God, I choose to not despise the ‘bad’ things I find myself walking through, but instead, I will endeavor to press into you, to find your face and to seek your presence, your friendship and your companionship; to know you as father, and to know you as Saviour. To understand the fullness of your presence, the reality of you living in me, the reality of your spirit being within me, and “I in you, You in me, even as Jesus is in You, Father.” Help me to realize the times I am in, and when I don’t, to continue to trust in you and trust that you have good places for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me a future and a hope. All to your Glory God…
The Next Step...
Another one, eh?....read if you like.... 2 of 3
I often sit around and think about what the next step of life is going to be for me. It seems that over the last 5 years I’ve found that where I am in my life I’ve been running from one stage to the next and never actually settled down. It’s been a blessing and a problem all at the same time. I’ve realized recently that it’s been because God has kept me that way and I’ve been in His graces for the most part. He showed me a vision a while back that I’ve been in a season, for the last 5 years, of training, a time of Him opening my eyes and seeing His Kingdom; the greatness of it all, the wonderful expanses of His Kingdom, All that He has to offer. And in that time, I’ve seen more than I ever thought imaginable. Yet, it has only been recently that I have realized that this has been God’s design for my life in the last 5 years. I thought for a long time that it was just an evil curse and there was something wrong with me. I thought that because I hadn’t ‘settled down’ where I was, I was sinning in some way, or that I wasn’t living in God’s design for my life, and then recently he showed me that he has had me in a planters pot and has been revealing the expanse of the Kingdom in a way that grows the tree, and now it is time to plant that tree, going out of the planters pot and into the ground where I can grow in the inside, where I can develop the intimate, deep rooted relationship with Him that I so desperately need.
Do not despise the stages of life you are in my friends. In these stages we will sometimes battle confusion and depression, but stick with the wonder and teaching of God. He has you where He has you for a reason. I am not saying stay somewhere that you do not feel like God is having you stay. I urge anyone who feels ‘out of place’ because of spiritual unrest (in your heart and not just a ‘I’m not happy so I want to leave) to seek God and ask him where he is to have you. Sometimes, like a friend of mine that I was recently talking to, He will tell you to stay where you are, as a teaching ground for you to learn something that you wouldn’t get somewhere else. I have spent many a time in this stage, learning and not understanding. I went through a time last year where my 2 best friends left the city I was living in to move on to where they felt God was telling them to go. I felt abandoned and left alone, I had no reason to stay where I was (physically), but God had other things for me yet. I knew that I was still supposed to stay where I was. And today, I am still there. Ok, not entirely true. Today I am sitting in one of my best friends houses in Puerto Rico, with the door wide open and the warmth of the evening air filling the room as I listen to the ocean slowly role in against the beach; one of the most beautiful sounds and experiences I know. I often feel I am called to this island at some point in my life. It is a beautiful country with an even more beautiful people. God will reveal that to me in time if that is meant to be part of my destiny.
I say the ‘next step’ because often times we think of our ‘destiny’ as a moment we are trying to get to, something we are to achieve somewhere down the road in our lives and it is our ‘destiny’. Destiny is not a place, it is not a time, it is not a moment. Destiny is our lives. Destiny is fulfilling what God is calling you to do in the very moment you are in, at all times, not just some distant ‘moment’. I mentioned that destiny is not a moment, and then just defined it as a moment. Don’t get confused. Moments are something that we tend to think only happen once and a while, but God has given us a destiny to fulfill at all times, in every moment of everyday. When I am ‘in my destiny’ I am finding what God is wanting of me at all times. Jesus only did what he saw the father do, only spoke what he heard the father speak. That is living in our destiny.
I don’t know where I’m going with what I’m writing right now, except that I feel this urging in my spirit to think on what I want in my life.
Every once and a while you will have someone come up to you and ask you that fated question, “So, what do you want to do with your life? What are your dreams, your desires? What do you see yourself doing in 5 or 10 years?” and so on and so forth. I often hear these questions and my heart sinks. I honestly don’t know. There has been something about the heart of dreaming that has left me, and I can only pin point it to the scripture that says the enemy has come to kill steal and destroy. What has he come to kill and steal and destroy? Well, the verse continues to say “But I have come that you may have life and life to the full” or life more abundant as some versions say, meaning the enemy has meant to kill, steal and destroy the opposite of life. When we have life, we know what we are ‘living’ for. When we stop and ask ourselves “what do I want to do with my life?” and come up short, it makes me sort of think that there is something missing and I am not living in that ‘life more abundant’. Something has been stolen from me. And I’m left asking, “how will I find this ‘life’?”.
A pastor of mine (I’ve had a few over the last few years) told me once that God hasn’t shown me what to do with my life because if God had shown me the extent of my ‘destiny’ (meaning how far God is wanting to take me) I would become scared and fearful because it’s farther than my mind can reach.
I agree, and I’m only shortly into this journey of my life. Turning 25 in only 22 days might be why I am thinking these things. I have done and seen more in these last 5 years than I had hoped to see in my entire life. Although, I guess if I am honest I have never let myself dream at all. I always flipped back and forth when I was growing up. I Don’t think I ever wanted to do one single thing with my life for more than a year at most. I thought I wanted to be a lawyer, a graphic designer, etc… (2 opposite extremes almost). And when I came to where I am now 5 and a half years ago I had no idea what I was stepping into.
I thought I was keeping a promise to God to get my life sorted and step into a life of servitude and church duty at best. I had no desire for ministry, no desire for God or the word, no desire for worship or preaching or teaching, counseling or the rest of it. I had no sight for what God had in store for me. And here I sit, about to embark on a cruise for the 3rd year in a row as a ‘worship leader’. I don’t say that to boast on position or ‘look what I am now become’, but I say it to say simply, God has a plan. God has a destiny for us all. My destiny is not being a ‘worship leader’, BUT, being a worship leader is instead just ‘part’ of my destiny in God. My destiny in God is to be a son. To be a beloved son, that knows his father more and more as he lives and grows in this life. If Jesus has come to give us life and life more abundant, then we must seek hard after this life, and we will need to fight for it. In a great epic movie we see people coming into their ‘destiny’ often. William Wallace in Braveheart, came into his ‘destiny’ as he stood up for his people. Robin Hood comes into his destiny as he stands up for the people around him against the tyrant prince. The stories go on and on, and in a book, or a movie there is only time for ‘one’ viewing of a persons destiny. Gandolf from the Lord of the Rings is a good example of someone who has and is living out their destiny, although in the end he “retires” and I don’t believe that there is, for any of us, retirement from our destiny, just as there is no ‘vacation’ form it.
Your destiny is not just the season you are in, and the foresight that God has given you over the years to see what the Kingdom has for you does not need to be accomplished in this very time. That is a thing that often confuses me. I tend to look at life as having to be played out in the next few months, because of a dream or vision that God has given me. God started to talk to me a couple years ago about becoming a pastor, yet, I have no sight, or foresight of this happening any time soon. So, why is God showing me that? Because it is ‘part’ of my destiny. We mustn’t get locked into what we are doing in the moment so much that we think that is our destiny for life. Destiny is more than what we do, it is who we are.
And I’ve just hit it haven’t i. Destiny is not what we do, it is who we are. We are ‘destined’ for greatness. What we have done is great, but that does not equal our destiny, it means that we, living in our destiny, have accomplished great things.
I am rambling and have no idea what I’m saying….
I wish only to live in God’s destiny for my life. Call it my destiny, or call it God’s destiny, I don’t really mind what it is called, I just pray that I am living in it as we continue to see His Kingdom come on earth as in Heaven. There is more to this life and I wish to have it… God grant me life and life more abundant, help me lay down what hinders this life, and help me grasp what will bring this life to fullness. All for your glory.
I Forsake who I am for Your sake…
I often sit around and think about what the next step of life is going to be for me. It seems that over the last 5 years I’ve found that where I am in my life I’ve been running from one stage to the next and never actually settled down. It’s been a blessing and a problem all at the same time. I’ve realized recently that it’s been because God has kept me that way and I’ve been in His graces for the most part. He showed me a vision a while back that I’ve been in a season, for the last 5 years, of training, a time of Him opening my eyes and seeing His Kingdom; the greatness of it all, the wonderful expanses of His Kingdom, All that He has to offer. And in that time, I’ve seen more than I ever thought imaginable. Yet, it has only been recently that I have realized that this has been God’s design for my life in the last 5 years. I thought for a long time that it was just an evil curse and there was something wrong with me. I thought that because I hadn’t ‘settled down’ where I was, I was sinning in some way, or that I wasn’t living in God’s design for my life, and then recently he showed me that he has had me in a planters pot and has been revealing the expanse of the Kingdom in a way that grows the tree, and now it is time to plant that tree, going out of the planters pot and into the ground where I can grow in the inside, where I can develop the intimate, deep rooted relationship with Him that I so desperately need.
Do not despise the stages of life you are in my friends. In these stages we will sometimes battle confusion and depression, but stick with the wonder and teaching of God. He has you where He has you for a reason. I am not saying stay somewhere that you do not feel like God is having you stay. I urge anyone who feels ‘out of place’ because of spiritual unrest (in your heart and not just a ‘I’m not happy so I want to leave) to seek God and ask him where he is to have you. Sometimes, like a friend of mine that I was recently talking to, He will tell you to stay where you are, as a teaching ground for you to learn something that you wouldn’t get somewhere else. I have spent many a time in this stage, learning and not understanding. I went through a time last year where my 2 best friends left the city I was living in to move on to where they felt God was telling them to go. I felt abandoned and left alone, I had no reason to stay where I was (physically), but God had other things for me yet. I knew that I was still supposed to stay where I was. And today, I am still there. Ok, not entirely true. Today I am sitting in one of my best friends houses in Puerto Rico, with the door wide open and the warmth of the evening air filling the room as I listen to the ocean slowly role in against the beach; one of the most beautiful sounds and experiences I know. I often feel I am called to this island at some point in my life. It is a beautiful country with an even more beautiful people. God will reveal that to me in time if that is meant to be part of my destiny.
I say the ‘next step’ because often times we think of our ‘destiny’ as a moment we are trying to get to, something we are to achieve somewhere down the road in our lives and it is our ‘destiny’. Destiny is not a place, it is not a time, it is not a moment. Destiny is our lives. Destiny is fulfilling what God is calling you to do in the very moment you are in, at all times, not just some distant ‘moment’. I mentioned that destiny is not a moment, and then just defined it as a moment. Don’t get confused. Moments are something that we tend to think only happen once and a while, but God has given us a destiny to fulfill at all times, in every moment of everyday. When I am ‘in my destiny’ I am finding what God is wanting of me at all times. Jesus only did what he saw the father do, only spoke what he heard the father speak. That is living in our destiny.
I don’t know where I’m going with what I’m writing right now, except that I feel this urging in my spirit to think on what I want in my life.
Every once and a while you will have someone come up to you and ask you that fated question, “So, what do you want to do with your life? What are your dreams, your desires? What do you see yourself doing in 5 or 10 years?” and so on and so forth. I often hear these questions and my heart sinks. I honestly don’t know. There has been something about the heart of dreaming that has left me, and I can only pin point it to the scripture that says the enemy has come to kill steal and destroy. What has he come to kill and steal and destroy? Well, the verse continues to say “But I have come that you may have life and life to the full” or life more abundant as some versions say, meaning the enemy has meant to kill, steal and destroy the opposite of life. When we have life, we know what we are ‘living’ for. When we stop and ask ourselves “what do I want to do with my life?” and come up short, it makes me sort of think that there is something missing and I am not living in that ‘life more abundant’. Something has been stolen from me. And I’m left asking, “how will I find this ‘life’?”.
A pastor of mine (I’ve had a few over the last few years) told me once that God hasn’t shown me what to do with my life because if God had shown me the extent of my ‘destiny’ (meaning how far God is wanting to take me) I would become scared and fearful because it’s farther than my mind can reach.
I agree, and I’m only shortly into this journey of my life. Turning 25 in only 22 days might be why I am thinking these things. I have done and seen more in these last 5 years than I had hoped to see in my entire life. Although, I guess if I am honest I have never let myself dream at all. I always flipped back and forth when I was growing up. I Don’t think I ever wanted to do one single thing with my life for more than a year at most. I thought I wanted to be a lawyer, a graphic designer, etc… (2 opposite extremes almost). And when I came to where I am now 5 and a half years ago I had no idea what I was stepping into.
I thought I was keeping a promise to God to get my life sorted and step into a life of servitude and church duty at best. I had no desire for ministry, no desire for God or the word, no desire for worship or preaching or teaching, counseling or the rest of it. I had no sight for what God had in store for me. And here I sit, about to embark on a cruise for the 3rd year in a row as a ‘worship leader’. I don’t say that to boast on position or ‘look what I am now become’, but I say it to say simply, God has a plan. God has a destiny for us all. My destiny is not being a ‘worship leader’, BUT, being a worship leader is instead just ‘part’ of my destiny in God. My destiny in God is to be a son. To be a beloved son, that knows his father more and more as he lives and grows in this life. If Jesus has come to give us life and life more abundant, then we must seek hard after this life, and we will need to fight for it. In a great epic movie we see people coming into their ‘destiny’ often. William Wallace in Braveheart, came into his ‘destiny’ as he stood up for his people. Robin Hood comes into his destiny as he stands up for the people around him against the tyrant prince. The stories go on and on, and in a book, or a movie there is only time for ‘one’ viewing of a persons destiny. Gandolf from the Lord of the Rings is a good example of someone who has and is living out their destiny, although in the end he “retires” and I don’t believe that there is, for any of us, retirement from our destiny, just as there is no ‘vacation’ form it.
Your destiny is not just the season you are in, and the foresight that God has given you over the years to see what the Kingdom has for you does not need to be accomplished in this very time. That is a thing that often confuses me. I tend to look at life as having to be played out in the next few months, because of a dream or vision that God has given me. God started to talk to me a couple years ago about becoming a pastor, yet, I have no sight, or foresight of this happening any time soon. So, why is God showing me that? Because it is ‘part’ of my destiny. We mustn’t get locked into what we are doing in the moment so much that we think that is our destiny for life. Destiny is more than what we do, it is who we are.
And I’ve just hit it haven’t i. Destiny is not what we do, it is who we are. We are ‘destined’ for greatness. What we have done is great, but that does not equal our destiny, it means that we, living in our destiny, have accomplished great things.
I am rambling and have no idea what I’m saying….
I wish only to live in God’s destiny for my life. Call it my destiny, or call it God’s destiny, I don’t really mind what it is called, I just pray that I am living in it as we continue to see His Kingdom come on earth as in Heaven. There is more to this life and I wish to have it… God grant me life and life more abundant, help me lay down what hinders this life, and help me grasp what will bring this life to fullness. All for your glory.
I Forsake who I am for Your sake…
The Other Door...
So, we get 3 posts in one day...because i'm on vacation, haven't had internet for a few days, and have had lots of time to just sit and think and soak up the sun...here's the first....the other door...
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Have you ever stood before a door that shut on you? This could be any door, a door you want to desperately get through, a door you think you are supposed to go through, even a door that others have told you that you are most definitely supposed to go through.
I’ve been there. In the distant past, more recently, and currently… And I’m sure more to come. These are the doors that life puts in front of us. I say ‘life’ because God may not have ‘put’ that door in front of you, but rather allowed you to see it and walk to it, with intentions of you learning form the experience (whatever it be).
These are doors of destiny, and we must start asking ourselves which destiny we want, which door will we go through.
I’m writing this because earlier today, sitting in an airplane flying from Buffalo, NY to JFK (NYC) I realized that often times when we see a door shut, we continue to stair at that damn door and wait for it to open. This the case more often than not, especially when it is something we want very much, in our human, fleshly nature. One could very quickly get confused and think I am going towards saying that God is a mean ol’ man that likes to get our hopes up and shut doors. This is not the case at all. Nor is it the true that God maliciously sends us on rabbit trails in order to teach us a lesson, or teach us something in our lives.
If we look closely we will see that God does in fact put doors in front of us, and if we will keep our eyes, spiritual eyes, open, we would see these doors a lot better than whatever it is that we are staring at.
I’ve recently found myself rather, how do you say…. smitten, with someone of the female variety. I’ve known since I first saw her over a year and a half ago that she was not the ‘one’ for me, in fact I clearly heard God say “don’t even bother liking her…” I will admit, that is a weird thing to hear God say. But God speaks to me rather frankly when I’m spending time in His presence and our relationship is developed. He puts it like it is, because that’s how I need to hear it. Now, instead of looking for ways to deal with this situation, follow the door of ‘walking away’ in front of me, I have continued to stair intently at this other door. Don’t get me wrong, this girl is absolutely fantastic, wonderful, lovely, deserving of the world and gorgeous like no other. Oh, and we get along like you wouldn’t believe. In my head, the human side that ignored the ‘walking away’ door, I’ve got it all figured out, it should work perfectly. I’ve always been a believer of embracing your feelings and not killing your heart, and I feared that if I did just try to ignore this wonderful woman, that I would in fact be ‘killing’ a part of my heart that I shouldn’t. After all, we’ve been taught (we in the circles I run with) that it is not good to build walls and kill our hearts. I thought I was doing a decent thing.
Well as we all know the male heart can be one to run away with itself. I find myself thinking about her the odd time, and time passes and I continually get to these points (yup, it happened more than once) that me and her would talk about these ‘feelings’ I had, and conclude it wouldn’t work. I even went as far as telling her what God had said to me. Now before you get the right idea…I mean ‘wrong idea’, she doesn’t like me, so that’s a good enough reason for it to ‘not work’ right there, but what I’m talking about is the identifying with what you feel, as a man, for a woman, and dealing with it properly. And in my head, I couldn’t very well live my life feeling this way about someone and not letting her know. It’s done wonders for my ability to talk to women. It’s also been a very hellish road at times. A few months ago took me to one of these moments again, and this girl, wonderful as she is, told me, “rob, honestly, I wish I liked you, you are amazing blah blah blah…” ( I don’t say blah blah blah in disrespect to her, I say it cause there was more said that I can’t remember and that probably doesn’t need to hit this page…). AND we as men, who have been ‘rejected’ know what that whole conversation is like. We take things differently that usually it is said. It’s good to know that a girl doesn’t like us, there was definitely no hope left in that statement, “I wish I did, but I don’t”, so I can move on right? Well throw in the stories of friends of mine, close personal friends that had a girl say something quite similar and he said, “that’s ok, I still like you…” and one day she wakes up and says, “oh my goodness, I love the bloke…” Add the story upon story of the older men and friends of ours that have told us that they had to ‘not give up’ because as a man you’re supposed to ‘win’ the girl. Even a girl will say that, she wants to be pursued. So does ‘no’ really mean ‘no’…who knows. Anyways, to continue on, with these things in my head (and not the fact that God told me not to bother) I didn’t fully give up. I thought I had. I honestly thought I had moved on and we were just going to be good friends. Time goes on and in a moment of drunkenness (yah, I’ve been drunk, sorry to break it to you in such a heart / relational post), standing at a bbq in the snow and rain, blurt out to her, “…and I love you…”
Wow. Shock to me, and HUGE SHOCK to her. She looked at me, hit me and said, “say what?”
The story goes on, that was over a month ago and I’m sitting here trying to deal with the fact that I really do like this girl, a whole lot, and really think I would go the lengths to ‘pursue’ her. Again, my argument has been, ‘it’s not good to ‘kill’ the feelings, right?’. That is very true. You shouldn’t kill feelings, you shouldn’t bury them, like I had. I thought for sure we were fine, so did she, things were going well, and then out of nowhere this things explodes in my face, and since that moment that I opened my mouth at the bbq, I haven’t been able to shake her from my mind, my dreams and my thoughts.
Then I was reading a book the other night and it hit me. The author was writing about a quite similar situation and said, as a man, we are attracted to beauty, to God’s creation, and especially to women. It’s in our system, God said it, “it is not good for man to be alone…” AMEN to that, I feel the affects of being alone more than ever, it’s a lonely thing, and God was smart when he said that (still is too…)
BUT, our attraction to beauty must come second to our dependence on God. He gave us a heart that is full of life and seeks more of it, is enthralled with beauty, and I was left saying “HOW DO I GET RID OF THESE FEELINGS…”
I’m pretty sure now that we can’t get rid of them. That you can’t out of your own power in any way, minus brain-washing yourself, to not like someone, but if God has said this is not the right one, or if she has said that she isn’t the right one, or if you just know that she isn’t the right one, you must go past what we as humans can physically and mentally do, and turn to what we can spiritually do. In turning to God and saying “God, take my heart, I’m hurting and my heart continually goes towards this…” He is able to come in and change our hearts.
The other side of it is where this post started. I pose this in a question: “What door are you looking at?” I’ve been looking at this door (this girl) and wanting to walk through the door of ‘relationship’, of ‘love’ etc…
Another way you can say this easily is “where is your focus? Are you focusing on God, or are you focusing on what is around you.
I’ve brought this to the table in respects to a woman I’ve fallen for. But the same can be said about most situations. And I’m pretty convinced (and might be able to find it in the bible if I knew where, but someone can correct me if this isn’t actually stated in the bible) that when God shuts a door, he is faithful to provide another one for us to walk through. Or as some would say, when God shuts a door, he opens a window.
The door being shut doesn’t mean it goes away, in fact, a shut door is more visible and ‘taunting’ than one that wasn’t shut before. Put a wall in front of a guy and he’ll want to climb over it….put a door in front of us and we’ll want to tear it down. And if our focus sticks on that door, it’s like if you stair at anything intently. Try it… Take a moment and stare at something it can be anything…I’m staring at the corner of my laptop screen right now, and if I stare at it long enough…letting my eyes focus on it alone, eventually the rest of the world around me will fade into darkness and all I will see is what I am focused on.
Where is the other door? What is the other door? I want to give you hope today. Hope for a better door. Jeremiah 29:11 is one of my favourite, if not my absolute favourite verse in the bible, “For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope.”
Me staring at this door will get me hurt, I will continue, like I have 3 or 4 times run into it full on and realize that there is nothing for me on the other side, and that it is someone else’s door to walk through. Ease up your gaze and ask God to refocus you. He will be faithful to point you in the right direction.
Do Not assume you know what door he will point you to. In a relational sense it’s a little easier, I know at least that he will point me in the direction of a woman. But maybe, just maybe (and I don’t believe this, cause I’m to awesome to stay single for my life) but maybe he’s pointing me to a door of whole-hearted 100% commitment to Him, without earthly attachments. It could happen. I hope not, but it could happen.
I’m thinking more of doors that deal with our life around us and questions we ask about what we should be doing, where we should be going, when we should be going… The se are questions that are not easy to answer on our own. In fact I would not want to answer them on our own, we run great risk of messing things up when we take our life into our own hands. So, this is what I propose to you. Ease your gaze and lift your eyes to God and as you’re staring at Him, He will ‘direct your path’ and lead you to the doors you must knock at. “seek and you shall find, knock and it shall be opened…” Seek God, and let him point you to the doors you are to knock on, and it shall be opened before you.
Did the ministry door shut because God wants you to go to a different ministry? Or maybe, just maybe he wants you to take the business world by storm, or wants you to focus on your family for a season. Having the door shut in one area doesn’t mean that the next door will even be in that area, be open to His direction.
Did your business proposal fall flat because God wants you to go into a different business venture? Or is this your opportunity to break out into the ministry side of God’s calling for your life?
Did the house in Winnipeg fall through because you are supposed to find a different house, or because you are supposed to move somewhere completely different, or nowhere at all?
The questions that direct our life, the questions that we ask time and time again because we get uneasy.
What door are you focused on? Focus your eyes on him, and the doors will not matter so much, it will just be a matter of walking up to them, holding your Daddy’s hand, and knocking, and seeing His power unfold.
I am not saying this is ‘easy’. Nor am I saying that this comes without fight, but that is a post for another day. We must fight for what we want, the violent take the kingdom by force, I believe that as much as I believe in being a young child with all my money bet on the power and strength of God.
Keep your chin up. There is another door.
I’m telling myself the same thing at this very moment.
“God, I give up these doors I’ve been staring at, the doors you’ve either told me to walk away from, or have not put in my walk. I’m asking you to forgive me for being a stubborn, bull headed charger that is trying to break through a door I am not supposed to even knock on. I thank you for using this situation to not hurt me, but to show me your truths and to continue growing in wisdom and knowledge. Help me to ease my gaze and focus solely on You, where my help comes from. You have plans to prosper me, help me trust in you for those plans. To you be all the Glory, and let your Kingdom come and Your will be done in my life and the lives of my friends, family, and those around me…”
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Have you ever stood before a door that shut on you? This could be any door, a door you want to desperately get through, a door you think you are supposed to go through, even a door that others have told you that you are most definitely supposed to go through.
I’ve been there. In the distant past, more recently, and currently… And I’m sure more to come. These are the doors that life puts in front of us. I say ‘life’ because God may not have ‘put’ that door in front of you, but rather allowed you to see it and walk to it, with intentions of you learning form the experience (whatever it be).
These are doors of destiny, and we must start asking ourselves which destiny we want, which door will we go through.
I’m writing this because earlier today, sitting in an airplane flying from Buffalo, NY to JFK (NYC) I realized that often times when we see a door shut, we continue to stair at that damn door and wait for it to open. This the case more often than not, especially when it is something we want very much, in our human, fleshly nature. One could very quickly get confused and think I am going towards saying that God is a mean ol’ man that likes to get our hopes up and shut doors. This is not the case at all. Nor is it the true that God maliciously sends us on rabbit trails in order to teach us a lesson, or teach us something in our lives.
If we look closely we will see that God does in fact put doors in front of us, and if we will keep our eyes, spiritual eyes, open, we would see these doors a lot better than whatever it is that we are staring at.
I’ve recently found myself rather, how do you say…. smitten, with someone of the female variety. I’ve known since I first saw her over a year and a half ago that she was not the ‘one’ for me, in fact I clearly heard God say “don’t even bother liking her…” I will admit, that is a weird thing to hear God say. But God speaks to me rather frankly when I’m spending time in His presence and our relationship is developed. He puts it like it is, because that’s how I need to hear it. Now, instead of looking for ways to deal with this situation, follow the door of ‘walking away’ in front of me, I have continued to stair intently at this other door. Don’t get me wrong, this girl is absolutely fantastic, wonderful, lovely, deserving of the world and gorgeous like no other. Oh, and we get along like you wouldn’t believe. In my head, the human side that ignored the ‘walking away’ door, I’ve got it all figured out, it should work perfectly. I’ve always been a believer of embracing your feelings and not killing your heart, and I feared that if I did just try to ignore this wonderful woman, that I would in fact be ‘killing’ a part of my heart that I shouldn’t. After all, we’ve been taught (we in the circles I run with) that it is not good to build walls and kill our hearts. I thought I was doing a decent thing.
Well as we all know the male heart can be one to run away with itself. I find myself thinking about her the odd time, and time passes and I continually get to these points (yup, it happened more than once) that me and her would talk about these ‘feelings’ I had, and conclude it wouldn’t work. I even went as far as telling her what God had said to me. Now before you get the right idea…I mean ‘wrong idea’, she doesn’t like me, so that’s a good enough reason for it to ‘not work’ right there, but what I’m talking about is the identifying with what you feel, as a man, for a woman, and dealing with it properly. And in my head, I couldn’t very well live my life feeling this way about someone and not letting her know. It’s done wonders for my ability to talk to women. It’s also been a very hellish road at times. A few months ago took me to one of these moments again, and this girl, wonderful as she is, told me, “rob, honestly, I wish I liked you, you are amazing blah blah blah…” ( I don’t say blah blah blah in disrespect to her, I say it cause there was more said that I can’t remember and that probably doesn’t need to hit this page…). AND we as men, who have been ‘rejected’ know what that whole conversation is like. We take things differently that usually it is said. It’s good to know that a girl doesn’t like us, there was definitely no hope left in that statement, “I wish I did, but I don’t”, so I can move on right? Well throw in the stories of friends of mine, close personal friends that had a girl say something quite similar and he said, “that’s ok, I still like you…” and one day she wakes up and says, “oh my goodness, I love the bloke…” Add the story upon story of the older men and friends of ours that have told us that they had to ‘not give up’ because as a man you’re supposed to ‘win’ the girl. Even a girl will say that, she wants to be pursued. So does ‘no’ really mean ‘no’…who knows. Anyways, to continue on, with these things in my head (and not the fact that God told me not to bother) I didn’t fully give up. I thought I had. I honestly thought I had moved on and we were just going to be good friends. Time goes on and in a moment of drunkenness (yah, I’ve been drunk, sorry to break it to you in such a heart / relational post), standing at a bbq in the snow and rain, blurt out to her, “…and I love you…”
Wow. Shock to me, and HUGE SHOCK to her. She looked at me, hit me and said, “say what?”
The story goes on, that was over a month ago and I’m sitting here trying to deal with the fact that I really do like this girl, a whole lot, and really think I would go the lengths to ‘pursue’ her. Again, my argument has been, ‘it’s not good to ‘kill’ the feelings, right?’. That is very true. You shouldn’t kill feelings, you shouldn’t bury them, like I had. I thought for sure we were fine, so did she, things were going well, and then out of nowhere this things explodes in my face, and since that moment that I opened my mouth at the bbq, I haven’t been able to shake her from my mind, my dreams and my thoughts.
Then I was reading a book the other night and it hit me. The author was writing about a quite similar situation and said, as a man, we are attracted to beauty, to God’s creation, and especially to women. It’s in our system, God said it, “it is not good for man to be alone…” AMEN to that, I feel the affects of being alone more than ever, it’s a lonely thing, and God was smart when he said that (still is too…)
BUT, our attraction to beauty must come second to our dependence on God. He gave us a heart that is full of life and seeks more of it, is enthralled with beauty, and I was left saying “HOW DO I GET RID OF THESE FEELINGS…”
I’m pretty sure now that we can’t get rid of them. That you can’t out of your own power in any way, minus brain-washing yourself, to not like someone, but if God has said this is not the right one, or if she has said that she isn’t the right one, or if you just know that she isn’t the right one, you must go past what we as humans can physically and mentally do, and turn to what we can spiritually do. In turning to God and saying “God, take my heart, I’m hurting and my heart continually goes towards this…” He is able to come in and change our hearts.
The other side of it is where this post started. I pose this in a question: “What door are you looking at?” I’ve been looking at this door (this girl) and wanting to walk through the door of ‘relationship’, of ‘love’ etc…
Another way you can say this easily is “where is your focus? Are you focusing on God, or are you focusing on what is around you.
I’ve brought this to the table in respects to a woman I’ve fallen for. But the same can be said about most situations. And I’m pretty convinced (and might be able to find it in the bible if I knew where, but someone can correct me if this isn’t actually stated in the bible) that when God shuts a door, he is faithful to provide another one for us to walk through. Or as some would say, when God shuts a door, he opens a window.
The door being shut doesn’t mean it goes away, in fact, a shut door is more visible and ‘taunting’ than one that wasn’t shut before. Put a wall in front of a guy and he’ll want to climb over it….put a door in front of us and we’ll want to tear it down. And if our focus sticks on that door, it’s like if you stair at anything intently. Try it… Take a moment and stare at something it can be anything…I’m staring at the corner of my laptop screen right now, and if I stare at it long enough…letting my eyes focus on it alone, eventually the rest of the world around me will fade into darkness and all I will see is what I am focused on.
Where is the other door? What is the other door? I want to give you hope today. Hope for a better door. Jeremiah 29:11 is one of my favourite, if not my absolute favourite verse in the bible, “For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope.”
Me staring at this door will get me hurt, I will continue, like I have 3 or 4 times run into it full on and realize that there is nothing for me on the other side, and that it is someone else’s door to walk through. Ease up your gaze and ask God to refocus you. He will be faithful to point you in the right direction.
Do Not assume you know what door he will point you to. In a relational sense it’s a little easier, I know at least that he will point me in the direction of a woman. But maybe, just maybe (and I don’t believe this, cause I’m to awesome to stay single for my life) but maybe he’s pointing me to a door of whole-hearted 100% commitment to Him, without earthly attachments. It could happen. I hope not, but it could happen.
I’m thinking more of doors that deal with our life around us and questions we ask about what we should be doing, where we should be going, when we should be going… The se are questions that are not easy to answer on our own. In fact I would not want to answer them on our own, we run great risk of messing things up when we take our life into our own hands. So, this is what I propose to you. Ease your gaze and lift your eyes to God and as you’re staring at Him, He will ‘direct your path’ and lead you to the doors you must knock at. “seek and you shall find, knock and it shall be opened…” Seek God, and let him point you to the doors you are to knock on, and it shall be opened before you.
Did the ministry door shut because God wants you to go to a different ministry? Or maybe, just maybe he wants you to take the business world by storm, or wants you to focus on your family for a season. Having the door shut in one area doesn’t mean that the next door will even be in that area, be open to His direction.
Did your business proposal fall flat because God wants you to go into a different business venture? Or is this your opportunity to break out into the ministry side of God’s calling for your life?
Did the house in Winnipeg fall through because you are supposed to find a different house, or because you are supposed to move somewhere completely different, or nowhere at all?
The questions that direct our life, the questions that we ask time and time again because we get uneasy.
What door are you focused on? Focus your eyes on him, and the doors will not matter so much, it will just be a matter of walking up to them, holding your Daddy’s hand, and knocking, and seeing His power unfold.
I am not saying this is ‘easy’. Nor am I saying that this comes without fight, but that is a post for another day. We must fight for what we want, the violent take the kingdom by force, I believe that as much as I believe in being a young child with all my money bet on the power and strength of God.
Keep your chin up. There is another door.
I’m telling myself the same thing at this very moment.
“God, I give up these doors I’ve been staring at, the doors you’ve either told me to walk away from, or have not put in my walk. I’m asking you to forgive me for being a stubborn, bull headed charger that is trying to break through a door I am not supposed to even knock on. I thank you for using this situation to not hurt me, but to show me your truths and to continue growing in wisdom and knowledge. Help me to ease my gaze and focus solely on You, where my help comes from. You have plans to prosper me, help me trust in you for those plans. To you be all the Glory, and let your Kingdom come and Your will be done in my life and the lives of my friends, family, and those around me…”
Monday, January 29, 2007
Time, Space and whatever the two shall make...
So, if you'll forgive me for a second...i'm going to go have a smoke....brb.
alright, now that we've gotten that taken care of we can type. Don't worry, i'm sure at some point in this blogging of time we shall hear me spout on about addictions and my current cigarette habit and how that's been a passing yet griping thing over the last year.
ok...firstly i would like to say, aren't we all glad that google didn't make this site www.blooger.com cause we'd all be posting pictures and comments about peoples dirty nose drippings.
secondly... back in november of 2005 (or there abouts) i wrote a post, a big long one too...and did that whole pin my heart to the wall and said "look at it...it's there...it's hurting...yet it's alive" and i got spam for it. spam in my comments, and at that point i got that warm tingly feeling only a quality spam artist can provide. I also decided that i would switch that great feature on my account to moderate all comments on my blog. For the following 13 1/2 months i wondered why no one was commenting on my blog. I thought people just stopped reading and eventually i gave up. Thought "if all of this in my heart isn't doing anything for anybody, what's the point of it and what's it doing there..."
then something compelled me to log into my blogger account today and lo-n-behold it had been taken over by the good people over at google, who make real websites :P. anyways, they also decided that it was time to remind me that i had 30 (count them, starting with "1" and ending with "30") comments that i needed to moderate and agree or disagree to...
so, i've spent the last good 45 minutes reading what you have all said to me over the last year and a bit, and i'm next to being in tears because of the heartfelt and lovely things you have all said to me. Do i blog for comments... no, but there's something to be said when a friend stands beside you and says "dude..i feel that shit....i feel it too...everyday...ur not alone".
Having said that, I must apologize and ask your forgiveness....please forgive me for neglecting (albeit quite un-intentional) all the comments you've posted to me over the last long period of time.
At this point i want to make the same promise i made just 12 months ago and say "i'm going to blog once a week, just to mentally process"... but i won't make such claims, because that in of itself might just doom me to failure...
it did another thing for me....it forced me to look back over the year and see the state of my heart on several occasions...some of which reminded me of promises and commitments i failed to withold. others reminded me of pain and hurt that i'm either free from, or still struggling with.
The heart is a funny thing. It beats on, everyday, it takes it's licks and keeps on ticking... it survives and thrives...and it gets hurt, often leaving us bruised, bloodied and hurting on the side of the road. My last year and a bit has taken me on a wild and painful journey, full of excitement, newness and conquering. I've recorded my first live worship album, i've loved and been rejected yet again, i've been convinced of success, and convinced of failure. I've lived on. I've stood on the edge of cliffs and jumped, and flew higher than i ever thought possible, and i've also fallen lower than i ever thought i could or would...
So, was 2006 a success? you better believe it. God took me through it, and i'm stronger on this side of it than i was walking into it. because i succeeded all the time? hell no, but because i bore my teeth, let out a cry of pain and torment, and walked off the field of battle, i wasnt' carried off, i walked off.
reading those posts over the last year make me think of things...things like:
- "God told you to stop smoking (told you i'd get here)...why the shit are you being such a moron and continuing on?". - failed
- started a diet - failed
- started at the gym - failed
- determined to break addictions and habits that have gripped me for years - failed
- record CD - success
- read a few good books - success
- learn more about heart and God - success...
ya know...within the failures i see success. I was reading a book earlier and it was talking about how everything we go through brings us to a place of strength because we are faced with a challenge. I realized i can't look at everything that comes at me as God turning His back, or me getting depressed about stuff. These things come at us to make us stronger...to test us...to bring us closer to a God who will do anything with, for and through us given we give him the opportunity to do so.
Steve Long was preaching on sunday about Paul, how God told him to go to Rome, and he kept giving him prophetic words from people, but everyone interpretted those words as "beware, don't go"...yet God had already told him that he must get to Rome.
one could look at that story and say Paul had been forsaken, was put through torture, almost killed, numerous times..and for what...to bring him out on the other side stronger and more reliant on God's grace, mercy and strength than ever before. What if he had given in at some point. said "ya know what, i think i'll take that 'prophetic word' and head for the hills..."
well we wouldn't know christianity as we know it today.
I've taken so much of what i've gone through in the last year as heart ache and torture...of unexplainable, uncharacteristic pain because i'm a failure. But it's been trial and testing to see how i will walk out on the other side of it. Will i walk out stronger. Closer to God, more reliant on his grace and mercy, His salvation. More confident in His greatness and Kingdom.
If i've learned one thing this year, it's that God is great, and worthy to be praised. He is the King of Kings who sits on the thrown of all heaven and earth. And we, if we can tap into that can see His kingdom come and his will be done in a way we never thought possible.
I've failed, a whole hell of a lot. who hasn't? but on the other side, I'm standing here knowing that God is great, He loves me and his plans and purposes are good. (Jer 29:11)
I have one hope for you all for 2007, myself included. That we take these challenges that life throws us head on. That the warrior that is within us stands up and fights for what we believe, what we know and what we want to see come down in our lives. I don't know what 2007 will look like, but i know that it will have it's successes, it might have some of those failures i'm afraid of. It will have love, it will have hurt and pain, yet more healing and grace because of it.
I'll blog, how often i don't know, but I'm convinced there is something in taking time to see what will happen when we sit and let our hearts spout out their insides... do it with me, sit and pour out..let your heart come alive in it's depth and wonderful beauty. It's scary, reckless, horrible and wonderful beauty. hell, you don't even have to be deep :P...just live with me...
Let's have success, and be proud in our God who gave us that success.
Let's take our defeats and our failures and learn from them, grow and continue to fight despite them.
Let's give our hearts another chance, to love, to grow, to rely and to respond.
Let's laugh.
Let's cry.
Let's look up, look high.
Let's call for the Kingdom and watch it rain down. because as a good friend of mine says..."Lord, when your Kingdom falls...NOTHING else matters....NOTHING can stand against your Kingdom God...We cry out for you Lord, We cry out for you Lord....Let your Kingdom Come...Let your will be done..."
if you look throughout 2006's posts, you'll see alot of Kingdom...the same will continue, for the kingdom is at hand...not just around the corner, not waiting to be seen, but in our hands....to call forth, to bring down, to see it come and to cry for the Will of God to be done...
Let's reach for something we didn't thinkg possible.
Let's climb high for a ledge they told us we couldn't grasp.
Let's believe the truth no matter how insane it may sound.
Let's do what we believe, because faith without works is dead.
Let's hold fast, and strong, let's cry hard and long...let's walk through the fields of battle, and walk off the other, not carried.
I'll help you if you fall,
will you help me when i fail
I'll cry when you are sad
Yet my heart will still rejoice
Your heart is worth the fight
Your heart is worth a song
A song sung by angels...
A song sung loud and clear.
I'll stand by you
I'll stand with you
I'll stand when you need a friend
I'll stand when you need a smack in the face to get back on track
Here's to 2007
Here's to life and love and war and strength.
to all those who have fallen before us
to all those we will raise from the dead...
ROB
alright, now that we've gotten that taken care of we can type. Don't worry, i'm sure at some point in this blogging of time we shall hear me spout on about addictions and my current cigarette habit and how that's been a passing yet griping thing over the last year.
ok...firstly i would like to say, aren't we all glad that google didn't make this site www.blooger.com cause we'd all be posting pictures and comments about peoples dirty nose drippings.
secondly... back in november of 2005 (or there abouts) i wrote a post, a big long one too...and did that whole pin my heart to the wall and said "look at it...it's there...it's hurting...yet it's alive" and i got spam for it. spam in my comments, and at that point i got that warm tingly feeling only a quality spam artist can provide. I also decided that i would switch that great feature on my account to moderate all comments on my blog. For the following 13 1/2 months i wondered why no one was commenting on my blog. I thought people just stopped reading and eventually i gave up. Thought "if all of this in my heart isn't doing anything for anybody, what's the point of it and what's it doing there..."
then something compelled me to log into my blogger account today and lo-n-behold it had been taken over by the good people over at google, who make real websites :P. anyways, they also decided that it was time to remind me that i had 30 (count them, starting with "1" and ending with "30") comments that i needed to moderate and agree or disagree to...
so, i've spent the last good 45 minutes reading what you have all said to me over the last year and a bit, and i'm next to being in tears because of the heartfelt and lovely things you have all said to me. Do i blog for comments... no, but there's something to be said when a friend stands beside you and says "dude..i feel that shit....i feel it too...everyday...ur not alone".
Having said that, I must apologize and ask your forgiveness....please forgive me for neglecting (albeit quite un-intentional) all the comments you've posted to me over the last long period of time.
At this point i want to make the same promise i made just 12 months ago and say "i'm going to blog once a week, just to mentally process"... but i won't make such claims, because that in of itself might just doom me to failure...
it did another thing for me....it forced me to look back over the year and see the state of my heart on several occasions...some of which reminded me of promises and commitments i failed to withold. others reminded me of pain and hurt that i'm either free from, or still struggling with.
The heart is a funny thing. It beats on, everyday, it takes it's licks and keeps on ticking... it survives and thrives...and it gets hurt, often leaving us bruised, bloodied and hurting on the side of the road. My last year and a bit has taken me on a wild and painful journey, full of excitement, newness and conquering. I've recorded my first live worship album, i've loved and been rejected yet again, i've been convinced of success, and convinced of failure. I've lived on. I've stood on the edge of cliffs and jumped, and flew higher than i ever thought possible, and i've also fallen lower than i ever thought i could or would...
So, was 2006 a success? you better believe it. God took me through it, and i'm stronger on this side of it than i was walking into it. because i succeeded all the time? hell no, but because i bore my teeth, let out a cry of pain and torment, and walked off the field of battle, i wasnt' carried off, i walked off.
reading those posts over the last year make me think of things...things like:
- "God told you to stop smoking (told you i'd get here)...why the shit are you being such a moron and continuing on?". - failed
- started a diet - failed
- started at the gym - failed
- determined to break addictions and habits that have gripped me for years - failed
- record CD - success
- read a few good books - success
- learn more about heart and God - success...
ya know...within the failures i see success. I was reading a book earlier and it was talking about how everything we go through brings us to a place of strength because we are faced with a challenge. I realized i can't look at everything that comes at me as God turning His back, or me getting depressed about stuff. These things come at us to make us stronger...to test us...to bring us closer to a God who will do anything with, for and through us given we give him the opportunity to do so.
Steve Long was preaching on sunday about Paul, how God told him to go to Rome, and he kept giving him prophetic words from people, but everyone interpretted those words as "beware, don't go"...yet God had already told him that he must get to Rome.
one could look at that story and say Paul had been forsaken, was put through torture, almost killed, numerous times..and for what...to bring him out on the other side stronger and more reliant on God's grace, mercy and strength than ever before. What if he had given in at some point. said "ya know what, i think i'll take that 'prophetic word' and head for the hills..."
well we wouldn't know christianity as we know it today.
I've taken so much of what i've gone through in the last year as heart ache and torture...of unexplainable, uncharacteristic pain because i'm a failure. But it's been trial and testing to see how i will walk out on the other side of it. Will i walk out stronger. Closer to God, more reliant on his grace and mercy, His salvation. More confident in His greatness and Kingdom.
If i've learned one thing this year, it's that God is great, and worthy to be praised. He is the King of Kings who sits on the thrown of all heaven and earth. And we, if we can tap into that can see His kingdom come and his will be done in a way we never thought possible.
I've failed, a whole hell of a lot. who hasn't? but on the other side, I'm standing here knowing that God is great, He loves me and his plans and purposes are good. (Jer 29:11)
I have one hope for you all for 2007, myself included. That we take these challenges that life throws us head on. That the warrior that is within us stands up and fights for what we believe, what we know and what we want to see come down in our lives. I don't know what 2007 will look like, but i know that it will have it's successes, it might have some of those failures i'm afraid of. It will have love, it will have hurt and pain, yet more healing and grace because of it.
I'll blog, how often i don't know, but I'm convinced there is something in taking time to see what will happen when we sit and let our hearts spout out their insides... do it with me, sit and pour out..let your heart come alive in it's depth and wonderful beauty. It's scary, reckless, horrible and wonderful beauty. hell, you don't even have to be deep :P...just live with me...
Let's have success, and be proud in our God who gave us that success.
Let's take our defeats and our failures and learn from them, grow and continue to fight despite them.
Let's give our hearts another chance, to love, to grow, to rely and to respond.
Let's laugh.
Let's cry.
Let's look up, look high.
Let's call for the Kingdom and watch it rain down. because as a good friend of mine says..."Lord, when your Kingdom falls...NOTHING else matters....NOTHING can stand against your Kingdom God...We cry out for you Lord, We cry out for you Lord....Let your Kingdom Come...Let your will be done..."
if you look throughout 2006's posts, you'll see alot of Kingdom...the same will continue, for the kingdom is at hand...not just around the corner, not waiting to be seen, but in our hands....to call forth, to bring down, to see it come and to cry for the Will of God to be done...
Let's reach for something we didn't thinkg possible.
Let's climb high for a ledge they told us we couldn't grasp.
Let's believe the truth no matter how insane it may sound.
Let's do what we believe, because faith without works is dead.
Let's hold fast, and strong, let's cry hard and long...let's walk through the fields of battle, and walk off the other, not carried.
I'll help you if you fall,
will you help me when i fail
I'll cry when you are sad
Yet my heart will still rejoice
Your heart is worth the fight
Your heart is worth a song
A song sung by angels...
A song sung loud and clear.
I'll stand by you
I'll stand with you
I'll stand when you need a friend
I'll stand when you need a smack in the face to get back on track
Here's to 2007
Here's to life and love and war and strength.
to all those who have fallen before us
to all those we will raise from the dead...
ROB
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Dreams
Riddle me this. Why is it that when a dream is troubling it sticks with you and plays with your entire emotional system like a freakin bad joke? I mean, i'm ok with the fact that dreams play significant roles in the way our hearts talk to us, in how God talks to us, and how our spirit is effected by the world aorund us and the spiritual forces that would rather see us dead than alive. But, some dreams come and go, they don't do to much to you, they don't even seem important. Yet, every once and a while you have a dream that has your head going in circles all day long and you're lucky if it's only a day... last night was one of those nights, and i'd like to find out who gave me that dream and shoot them in the foot. Or ask them what it means... or at least jsut an explination as to why i would have ethe dream, and why it would have to be now, after everything in the deram no longer applies because the situation has just recently changed (the situation in the dream), and really no longer exists, or at least thats the path forward. I ask why, and wonder what purpose, if any, these dreams serve...
Yet, I continue to ask God for dreams, for revelations and visions in the night, so am i complaining? No, but i am in the mental state of confusion over a dream, yet again...
Yet, I continue to ask God for dreams, for revelations and visions in the night, so am i complaining? No, but i am in the mental state of confusion over a dream, yet again...
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Soup !!!
Have you ever noticed that when you cook soup, and by ‘cook’ I mean open a can, put it in the oven-top safe pot and warm it on the element, that there’s a certain point that it’s got to be the perfect temperature. Or at least my guess is that there’s a certain point of ‘perfect temperature’, BUT I don’t know if I’ve ever found that point in my soup. You either haven’t left it on there long enough, or it’s warm, but not fully cooked (if ya know what I mean) OR, you’ve left it on there to long, and you have to let it sit to ‘cool down’. So something you need to heat up, you need to let cool down. Oh sure you could say, “but Rob, that happens with everything you cook”…and I say, “yes, but why soup?!? It is supposed to be one of the simple things to cook, especially cause you don’t actually cook it… now I’ve got issues with Cambell’s…man
Monday, August 07, 2006
pass me another...
...addiction that is.
What's the purpose in giving something up? It's to be free of it, to be released from it's grasp, correct?
I've realized a few things over the last few weeks as I've struggled to keep afloat in certain areas of my life. And by 'stay afloat' I really mean fail horribly, yet, through grace and forgiveness I'm going to pick myself up and keep going.
What have I learned? Well, there's a few important things, and a few grousome things to be sure. And as I begin to type, my hope is simply that I see hope beyond where I was, where I am, and where I hope to be.
1 - Addiction is gripping, and it costs you more than you see on the outside. Over the last 4 weeks I believe I lost a part of my brain and picked up a cigarette. Why did I do this? Well, I gave myself an excuse 6 weeks ago while on vacation that I could go ahead and enjoy a cigarette with a beer. Are either wrong? Beer = no. Cigarettes = Yes, a big fat YES. Why are cigarettes wrong? Not because I think cigarettes are fundamentally wrong, or even a sin, but for me, you see, after hearing directly from God that He did not want me to smoke, that He had protected me for the many years I had been smoking, and put it before me like this, "If obedience brings such blessing, how much terror do you think disobedience brings?"
Quite frankly this woke me up. It didn't scare the shit out of me, it didn't give me crazy fears of "oh man, what might happen if i kept smoking..." I simply new that I was not supposed to smoke anymore. I didn't want to, I took the cigarette currently in my hand and threw it overboard (on a cruise boat) and I bent the crap out of the pack of smokes in my pocket and threw them into a garbage can.
I was free, I had never been so free of cigarettes. Cravings? nope, oh sure occassionally i thought it might be nice to have a smoke. But instantly i felt free, I didn't feel the need, physically or escapingly to have a smoke (excapingly is a word we will come back to, real or not real, it's going to be used in this post).
So, why 6 weeks ago did I give myself permission to have a cigarette? Well, I decided, after 5 months of not having any cigarette or cigar of any kind that it was ok to allow myself to enjoy a cigar. Why? well, I convince myself that I like cigars, when I don't like cigars nearly as much as i like having a cigarette. Well, sitting there having a cigar, while a friend of mine was sitting beside me having a cigarette, made me want one thing... NOT the cigar in my hand, but the cigarette in his. So I said the following, "hey, can i have a smoke?"
"No..." (good job friend, i asked you to say no and you did...)
but of course as a good friend often does when persistent buggers like myself continue on, eventually give into the request.
so, i rationalized, "Just one, I just want to have one..."
ya know the weird thing? It didn't even taste good, i didn't really enjoy it. But instead of just having that 'one' i said i 'wanted' i persisted and had another, well gaw-lee that one tasted just a little bit better.
wanna know something else? the third one tasted great. And for 4 days I gave myself permission to smoke, and said "when i get back no more..."
sure enough, I stuck to my word, until about 7 days later when we were out for a beer and I thought "it'd be nice to have a smoke with this beer." well, now i had a easy convince for it in my head "i had smokes for 4 days and haven't craved one since, and i don't 'need' one, i just want one." so, again i gave in to what i thought for sure i wanted.
don't get me wrong, I dont' think i was out-right turning my back on God doing this, I didn't think for one moment "God i don't need you i want cigarettes instead". this never even occured to me. What occured to me was, "i like smoking". but that's not the point my friends, smoking isn't the point. It's the fact that there are many things in life that are 'enjoyable for a season, and bring death in the end' - and smoking is one of the more obvious ones.
So i continue to give little excuses, 4 days after my little beer + smoke incident, i find myself again sitting with a beer. What do i do this time? well, it's now become an instant tradition that I can enjoy a cigarette while i enjoy a beer and i'll be fine, i don't need to have one tomorrow.
A few days after that i'm sitting have a coca-cola classic, nothing like a beer, yet, i have a cigarette in my hand.
what am i getting at? This isn't just an enjoyable story, because quite frankly no one in the world wants to hear about how i've been smoking for the last month, it's a boring story. but suddenly about 3 weeks ago i find myself with a pack of smokes in my pocket, yet the entire time when someone asks me if i'm 'smoking again' i simply state, "no, i'm just having a smoke". Well, I don't know waht the definition of 'smoking' is, but im' pretty sure whatever it is, i've been doing it for the last month.
And i find myself to today, the day i've promised myself and God that I would once again give up smoking, because quite frankly, smokes and my voice don't go well together, so I don't want to smoke, it tastes bad, it smells bad, it makes me hide and feel insecure and yet it's so enjoyable and i feel like i'm missing something when i'm not smoking.
But, as i said, i've promised myself and God today is the day.
15 minutes ago I had the last cigarette in the pack on my table. I'm done, that was the last one. I smoked that thing as much as i could. got ever last drop of whatever toxins are in there into my body. Ya know what happened when i was done? I realized i wanted another one RIGHT AWAY.
so, back to the top. the intro... "pass me another... " "...addiction that is."
why do i say that?
Well, quite a long time ago I realized I needed to get rid of my internet. Enter addiction #2 (we'll call cigarettes addiction #1 for the sake of giving it a number, not because any of these things is more important or worse than the other, the all damage and kill in different yet very similar ways).
Addiction #2, hours and hours spent on the internet doing nothing but getting myself into trouble. Doing nothing but ending up place i shouldn't, chat rooms I should be in, conversations I should never have had, and tears cried I should never needed to cry.
wanna talk timelines, it's an addiction i've had since i was 13 years old, and quite frankly i've had prayer a million times to break it, i've cursed it to high heaven and left it on the side of the road dead many a time. Yet it's snuck it's way back into my life time and time again. It's a thorn dug deep into my side that's become infected and was killing me slowly.
i'll be flat out honest, the addiction to conversation, to pornography, to masturbation, to changing my identity and outright lying about who i was...all of these things were killing me.
I've become increasingly angry with how pornography and especially the stream of what is called 'cyber sex' and the increasing verbal pornography found on the internet. I'm angry with how it warps the minds of people, how people are given the opportunity to hide who they are and become what they think people want, to flaunt the area's of themselves they are ok with and hide the area's they are ashamed of.
For someone who's been forever ashamed of who they are for as long as i can remember, this was the perfect playground for me to roam in. I found comfort in the fact that there was always someone to talk to, I found comfort in the fact that almost always there would be someone who would want to talk about anything I wanted to talk about, and of course the fact that they were women was exactly what my heart was looking for.
stuck for years in this thing I've realized that it was like any other addiction, used for the purpose of escape. I've had my share of addictions: video games, tv, internet, cigarettes, etc... it's all the same thing. It's the same thing because the purpose of it is simply for you to not turn to God, and to turn to something else.
so, a while ago I know in my heart i'm needing to get rid of the internet in my home, because if it's there, the temptation is to hard to resist. I think as positive as i can, and think best i can to be free of this, i pray and i intercede, but ontop of all of this, we need to pursue freedom in the most practical of ways sometimes.
"Faith without works is dead"... I had faith, i have for a long time, I knew I could conquer this thing because Jesus died for my sin, for the addiction to be broken, and continually the holy Spirit is interceeding for my freedom, for my release and for me to be closer to the Father. But the works side wasn't right. I needed to get rid of what's infront of me that's causing me to sin.
"if your eye causes you to sin..."
well, i wasn't about to pluck my eye out was I? but what was causing me to sin was the internet in my home and it being readily available.
3 weeks ago I axed the internet in my home.
3 weeks ago I realized I had a pack of cigarettes in my pocket.
coincidence? Some might say, I do not. I realized very quickly that one addiction had taken the place of another one. Not because i wanted to smoke so badly, but because it was feeding a place in my heart I didn't feel was being filled. The place of acceptance.
Whether I'm around smokers, or around people that think it's 'cool' (which has got to be absolutely no one these days, or at least no one my age and older) I've always thought that smoking made me that added kewl, or maybe just badass enough that people would notice me. or maybe that's it right there....please, someone notice me.
So, that again brings me to today, where since I canned my internet I obviously haven't looked at internet porn, or been in chat rooms, but I also haven't really thought about any of it... I've been free from all that list of things I was rhyming off earlier, and because i don't have internet, I've been reading... which it was taking away from.
but because I've been smoking I knew that i had simply traded one thing for another and needed to be free of the other visible sin.
see, ignorance is bliss, by this i mean, if i don't see the sin, i can't do much about it. I need to ask the holy Spirit to come and reveal the hidden area's of my heart where sin is dormant, or at work in area's i haven't realized yet. But what about the sin that is blatently evident in my life. whether it be open like smoking, or hidden from the world like my tragic addiction to chat rooms and the like.
I'm free. And i have no problem saying that because I have to say it. My freedom was paid in full on calvary, when Jesus gave up His life for me, and for you, our sin was loosed from our lives, it was broken, the chains have no right to be on our lives, unless we give them right.
Joyce Meyers writes, "negative thinking produces negativity in our lives" "positive thinking produces negative outcomes"... Am i Lying to myself in saying that I'm free? Absolutely NOT, I'm telling myself the truth that Jesus died for my sins, that when I ask for freedom and repent from my sins, come to the foot of the cross and ask my saviour to yet again save me from a life that was killing me, he is faithful and just to forgive those sins, and to wipe away all unrighteousness.
So, I finished that last cigarette, and I know i was wrong for giving a timeline for this, I have no excuse for it, but I finished tha smoke and turned to God and said that very thing, I shouldn't have said "give me till monday"....i shouldn't have given myself excuses, becasue excuses are just the fleshes way of getting what the devil wants in our lives. So, i gave place to sin for the last 3 weeks, knowing full well i shouldn't.
Today is the day I deal with this sin. And instead of beating myself up about going this long, I will stand and thank God for setting me free, for bring the realization into my life that He did on the cruise when i stood there and knew what he was asking of me. Today I stand and realize what the Lord has for me, it's a life of freedom, it's a life of walking out my freedom.
It's an odd thing, and the reason i started writing this post was because of this thought.
I got home from camping this morning, and this afternoon was the first time since i gave up the internet that i've had a craving for the sin i was taking part in before. interesting that it coincides with the same day I'm giving up the addiction i noticed was taking it's place.
Addiction for the sake of addiction.... the result is the same, it pulls us from God, it brings us into a life of disobedience, it causes us to turn the hearing towards God down, and turn the volume of our selfish desires up. It pulls us from God, and puts us in the corner where we open doors to our lives that the enemy can walk through and wreck havoc on our lives.
So, today, if you're reading this, and i wonder why anyone would read this far into this post cause it's really just my mind processing what i've seen.
but please, if you see addiction in your life, ask God to set you free, if you know that he's set you free already in the past, then stand on that freedom, don't let the enemy have a foothold on your life. Stand in who you are, you are the king of king's, you are a son of the Father, the creator of the universe. He's called you from darkness into Light, He's called you out of the sin that held you down and called you into his purpose and destiny.
I know the plans i have for you says the Lord, plans to prospur you, plans to give you a future and a hope.
Hope is what you need to hold onto. The Lord God almight, the Hope of Glory.
begin to dream, begin to see yourself as free.
When i sat there having that 'last cigarette', i instantly wanted to masturbate, i wanted to hide and go into a chat room and lye about who i am, and hide behind a computer screen, and i wanted another cigarette already, I JUST FINISHED.....
but that's NOT my hope, My hope is in the one who saved me, the one who set me free.
A year ago i stood on a platform and told 3 thousand people that God set me free from the addiction to Chat rooms, set me free from having a duel identity. Was i Lying? NO, i was speaking the truth, and it's time to speak the truth and live in the truth again.
come with me on this journey, come with me as we embark on this journey of truth and life.
the truth will set you free. I am set free because of the truth...
The ultimate truth: Jesus died for my sins and his death has set me free.
this brings more truth: Jesus spoke into my identity, the truth of who i am.
and all of things brings more truth. We need to start standing on the truth that God is giving us, and continues to give us. His truth is the truth whether you believe it or not.
God's truth is the truth whether you believe it or not.
I am free, I do NOT need cigarettes, the bodily addiction to nicotene will be broken in the next 72 hours, and because I have the Holy Spirit inside of me I need not be addicted to this in my body, because He is the healer, Jesus died to heal me, so I call forth the natural levels of nicotene to level out in my body, that there would be ZERO cravings in my body for the toxins that a cigarette contains. I speak to my body now and say, "even out levels" and i speak to the toxins inside my body and i say "Be gone, let the power of the holy Spirit cleanse my body and remove any harmful toxins, any harmful bacteria that shouldn't be there, disease and pain i tell you to leave right now in the name of Jesus."
To my heart i speak the truth:
"you are loved, you are designed and created in the image of your heavenly Father"
"you are beautiful, you are lovely, you deserve to have hope and deserve to be blessed, because you are a child of God."
"You are worthy of love, and your heavenly Father, your Saviour and the Holy Spirit are madly in love with you."
I am a beautiful creation, created in the image of God, this is the truth, whether i believe it or not, and I tell the lies, to be silent right now. No longer will i give into the lies of not beleiving who i am, but i will stand up and cry as hard as i can and as loud and long as i can that I am Robert Moses Augi, created to be a son of God, created to live in perfect harmony with Him and to live out the destiny and purpose He has for my life...
And I am loved, I am called to be a son, I am called to be a lover and a companion of Jesus Christ. I will live all my days for you my Lord, draw me closer to your heart, draw me closer to who you are and continue to help me look to you. Holy spirit, silence the lies in my mind, bring confidence and peace through the truth of who i am. Give me peace and comfort as I step into the truth, and help me believe it. Help me believe who You have called me to be, help me rely on you, your strength, in your joy I will find my strength. In my weakness you will be my strength and power.
I thank you for freedom God, I thank you that you continually pull me into freedom, that you are wanting to set your children free more and more as we get closer to you, and Lord I'm asking that you would use this life you've given me to help your children be set free, and for those who do not realize they are your children yet to find you as their father...
To you be all the Glory, all the honour, all the power and all the praise, in this life, and in this earth....you are great....and i love you,
What's the purpose in giving something up? It's to be free of it, to be released from it's grasp, correct?
I've realized a few things over the last few weeks as I've struggled to keep afloat in certain areas of my life. And by 'stay afloat' I really mean fail horribly, yet, through grace and forgiveness I'm going to pick myself up and keep going.
What have I learned? Well, there's a few important things, and a few grousome things to be sure. And as I begin to type, my hope is simply that I see hope beyond where I was, where I am, and where I hope to be.
1 - Addiction is gripping, and it costs you more than you see on the outside. Over the last 4 weeks I believe I lost a part of my brain and picked up a cigarette. Why did I do this? Well, I gave myself an excuse 6 weeks ago while on vacation that I could go ahead and enjoy a cigarette with a beer. Are either wrong? Beer = no. Cigarettes = Yes, a big fat YES. Why are cigarettes wrong? Not because I think cigarettes are fundamentally wrong, or even a sin, but for me, you see, after hearing directly from God that He did not want me to smoke, that He had protected me for the many years I had been smoking, and put it before me like this, "If obedience brings such blessing, how much terror do you think disobedience brings?"
Quite frankly this woke me up. It didn't scare the shit out of me, it didn't give me crazy fears of "oh man, what might happen if i kept smoking..." I simply new that I was not supposed to smoke anymore. I didn't want to, I took the cigarette currently in my hand and threw it overboard (on a cruise boat) and I bent the crap out of the pack of smokes in my pocket and threw them into a garbage can.
I was free, I had never been so free of cigarettes. Cravings? nope, oh sure occassionally i thought it might be nice to have a smoke. But instantly i felt free, I didn't feel the need, physically or escapingly to have a smoke (excapingly is a word we will come back to, real or not real, it's going to be used in this post).
So, why 6 weeks ago did I give myself permission to have a cigarette? Well, I decided, after 5 months of not having any cigarette or cigar of any kind that it was ok to allow myself to enjoy a cigar. Why? well, I convince myself that I like cigars, when I don't like cigars nearly as much as i like having a cigarette. Well, sitting there having a cigar, while a friend of mine was sitting beside me having a cigarette, made me want one thing... NOT the cigar in my hand, but the cigarette in his. So I said the following, "hey, can i have a smoke?"
"No..." (good job friend, i asked you to say no and you did...)
but of course as a good friend often does when persistent buggers like myself continue on, eventually give into the request.
so, i rationalized, "Just one, I just want to have one..."
ya know the weird thing? It didn't even taste good, i didn't really enjoy it. But instead of just having that 'one' i said i 'wanted' i persisted and had another, well gaw-lee that one tasted just a little bit better.
wanna know something else? the third one tasted great. And for 4 days I gave myself permission to smoke, and said "when i get back no more..."
sure enough, I stuck to my word, until about 7 days later when we were out for a beer and I thought "it'd be nice to have a smoke with this beer." well, now i had a easy convince for it in my head "i had smokes for 4 days and haven't craved one since, and i don't 'need' one, i just want one." so, again i gave in to what i thought for sure i wanted.
don't get me wrong, I dont' think i was out-right turning my back on God doing this, I didn't think for one moment "God i don't need you i want cigarettes instead". this never even occured to me. What occured to me was, "i like smoking". but that's not the point my friends, smoking isn't the point. It's the fact that there are many things in life that are 'enjoyable for a season, and bring death in the end' - and smoking is one of the more obvious ones.
So i continue to give little excuses, 4 days after my little beer + smoke incident, i find myself again sitting with a beer. What do i do this time? well, it's now become an instant tradition that I can enjoy a cigarette while i enjoy a beer and i'll be fine, i don't need to have one tomorrow.
A few days after that i'm sitting have a coca-cola classic, nothing like a beer, yet, i have a cigarette in my hand.
what am i getting at? This isn't just an enjoyable story, because quite frankly no one in the world wants to hear about how i've been smoking for the last month, it's a boring story. but suddenly about 3 weeks ago i find myself with a pack of smokes in my pocket, yet the entire time when someone asks me if i'm 'smoking again' i simply state, "no, i'm just having a smoke". Well, I don't know waht the definition of 'smoking' is, but im' pretty sure whatever it is, i've been doing it for the last month.
And i find myself to today, the day i've promised myself and God that I would once again give up smoking, because quite frankly, smokes and my voice don't go well together, so I don't want to smoke, it tastes bad, it smells bad, it makes me hide and feel insecure and yet it's so enjoyable and i feel like i'm missing something when i'm not smoking.
But, as i said, i've promised myself and God today is the day.
15 minutes ago I had the last cigarette in the pack on my table. I'm done, that was the last one. I smoked that thing as much as i could. got ever last drop of whatever toxins are in there into my body. Ya know what happened when i was done? I realized i wanted another one RIGHT AWAY.
so, back to the top. the intro... "pass me another... " "...addiction that is."
why do i say that?
Well, quite a long time ago I realized I needed to get rid of my internet. Enter addiction #2 (we'll call cigarettes addiction #1 for the sake of giving it a number, not because any of these things is more important or worse than the other, the all damage and kill in different yet very similar ways).
Addiction #2, hours and hours spent on the internet doing nothing but getting myself into trouble. Doing nothing but ending up place i shouldn't, chat rooms I should be in, conversations I should never have had, and tears cried I should never needed to cry.
wanna talk timelines, it's an addiction i've had since i was 13 years old, and quite frankly i've had prayer a million times to break it, i've cursed it to high heaven and left it on the side of the road dead many a time. Yet it's snuck it's way back into my life time and time again. It's a thorn dug deep into my side that's become infected and was killing me slowly.
i'll be flat out honest, the addiction to conversation, to pornography, to masturbation, to changing my identity and outright lying about who i was...all of these things were killing me.
I've become increasingly angry with how pornography and especially the stream of what is called 'cyber sex' and the increasing verbal pornography found on the internet. I'm angry with how it warps the minds of people, how people are given the opportunity to hide who they are and become what they think people want, to flaunt the area's of themselves they are ok with and hide the area's they are ashamed of.
For someone who's been forever ashamed of who they are for as long as i can remember, this was the perfect playground for me to roam in. I found comfort in the fact that there was always someone to talk to, I found comfort in the fact that almost always there would be someone who would want to talk about anything I wanted to talk about, and of course the fact that they were women was exactly what my heart was looking for.
stuck for years in this thing I've realized that it was like any other addiction, used for the purpose of escape. I've had my share of addictions: video games, tv, internet, cigarettes, etc... it's all the same thing. It's the same thing because the purpose of it is simply for you to not turn to God, and to turn to something else.
so, a while ago I know in my heart i'm needing to get rid of the internet in my home, because if it's there, the temptation is to hard to resist. I think as positive as i can, and think best i can to be free of this, i pray and i intercede, but ontop of all of this, we need to pursue freedom in the most practical of ways sometimes.
"Faith without works is dead"... I had faith, i have for a long time, I knew I could conquer this thing because Jesus died for my sin, for the addiction to be broken, and continually the holy Spirit is interceeding for my freedom, for my release and for me to be closer to the Father. But the works side wasn't right. I needed to get rid of what's infront of me that's causing me to sin.
"if your eye causes you to sin..."
well, i wasn't about to pluck my eye out was I? but what was causing me to sin was the internet in my home and it being readily available.
3 weeks ago I axed the internet in my home.
3 weeks ago I realized I had a pack of cigarettes in my pocket.
coincidence? Some might say, I do not. I realized very quickly that one addiction had taken the place of another one. Not because i wanted to smoke so badly, but because it was feeding a place in my heart I didn't feel was being filled. The place of acceptance.
Whether I'm around smokers, or around people that think it's 'cool' (which has got to be absolutely no one these days, or at least no one my age and older) I've always thought that smoking made me that added kewl, or maybe just badass enough that people would notice me. or maybe that's it right there....please, someone notice me.
So, that again brings me to today, where since I canned my internet I obviously haven't looked at internet porn, or been in chat rooms, but I also haven't really thought about any of it... I've been free from all that list of things I was rhyming off earlier, and because i don't have internet, I've been reading... which it was taking away from.
but because I've been smoking I knew that i had simply traded one thing for another and needed to be free of the other visible sin.
see, ignorance is bliss, by this i mean, if i don't see the sin, i can't do much about it. I need to ask the holy Spirit to come and reveal the hidden area's of my heart where sin is dormant, or at work in area's i haven't realized yet. But what about the sin that is blatently evident in my life. whether it be open like smoking, or hidden from the world like my tragic addiction to chat rooms and the like.
I'm free. And i have no problem saying that because I have to say it. My freedom was paid in full on calvary, when Jesus gave up His life for me, and for you, our sin was loosed from our lives, it was broken, the chains have no right to be on our lives, unless we give them right.
Joyce Meyers writes, "negative thinking produces negativity in our lives" "positive thinking produces negative outcomes"... Am i Lying to myself in saying that I'm free? Absolutely NOT, I'm telling myself the truth that Jesus died for my sins, that when I ask for freedom and repent from my sins, come to the foot of the cross and ask my saviour to yet again save me from a life that was killing me, he is faithful and just to forgive those sins, and to wipe away all unrighteousness.
So, I finished that last cigarette, and I know i was wrong for giving a timeline for this, I have no excuse for it, but I finished tha smoke and turned to God and said that very thing, I shouldn't have said "give me till monday"....i shouldn't have given myself excuses, becasue excuses are just the fleshes way of getting what the devil wants in our lives. So, i gave place to sin for the last 3 weeks, knowing full well i shouldn't.
Today is the day I deal with this sin. And instead of beating myself up about going this long, I will stand and thank God for setting me free, for bring the realization into my life that He did on the cruise when i stood there and knew what he was asking of me. Today I stand and realize what the Lord has for me, it's a life of freedom, it's a life of walking out my freedom.
It's an odd thing, and the reason i started writing this post was because of this thought.
I got home from camping this morning, and this afternoon was the first time since i gave up the internet that i've had a craving for the sin i was taking part in before. interesting that it coincides with the same day I'm giving up the addiction i noticed was taking it's place.
Addiction for the sake of addiction.... the result is the same, it pulls us from God, it brings us into a life of disobedience, it causes us to turn the hearing towards God down, and turn the volume of our selfish desires up. It pulls us from God, and puts us in the corner where we open doors to our lives that the enemy can walk through and wreck havoc on our lives.
So, today, if you're reading this, and i wonder why anyone would read this far into this post cause it's really just my mind processing what i've seen.
but please, if you see addiction in your life, ask God to set you free, if you know that he's set you free already in the past, then stand on that freedom, don't let the enemy have a foothold on your life. Stand in who you are, you are the king of king's, you are a son of the Father, the creator of the universe. He's called you from darkness into Light, He's called you out of the sin that held you down and called you into his purpose and destiny.
I know the plans i have for you says the Lord, plans to prospur you, plans to give you a future and a hope.
Hope is what you need to hold onto. The Lord God almight, the Hope of Glory.
begin to dream, begin to see yourself as free.
When i sat there having that 'last cigarette', i instantly wanted to masturbate, i wanted to hide and go into a chat room and lye about who i am, and hide behind a computer screen, and i wanted another cigarette already, I JUST FINISHED.....
but that's NOT my hope, My hope is in the one who saved me, the one who set me free.
A year ago i stood on a platform and told 3 thousand people that God set me free from the addiction to Chat rooms, set me free from having a duel identity. Was i Lying? NO, i was speaking the truth, and it's time to speak the truth and live in the truth again.
come with me on this journey, come with me as we embark on this journey of truth and life.
the truth will set you free. I am set free because of the truth...
The ultimate truth: Jesus died for my sins and his death has set me free.
this brings more truth: Jesus spoke into my identity, the truth of who i am.
and all of things brings more truth. We need to start standing on the truth that God is giving us, and continues to give us. His truth is the truth whether you believe it or not.
God's truth is the truth whether you believe it or not.
I am free, I do NOT need cigarettes, the bodily addiction to nicotene will be broken in the next 72 hours, and because I have the Holy Spirit inside of me I need not be addicted to this in my body, because He is the healer, Jesus died to heal me, so I call forth the natural levels of nicotene to level out in my body, that there would be ZERO cravings in my body for the toxins that a cigarette contains. I speak to my body now and say, "even out levels" and i speak to the toxins inside my body and i say "Be gone, let the power of the holy Spirit cleanse my body and remove any harmful toxins, any harmful bacteria that shouldn't be there, disease and pain i tell you to leave right now in the name of Jesus."
To my heart i speak the truth:
"you are loved, you are designed and created in the image of your heavenly Father"
"you are beautiful, you are lovely, you deserve to have hope and deserve to be blessed, because you are a child of God."
"You are worthy of love, and your heavenly Father, your Saviour and the Holy Spirit are madly in love with you."
I am a beautiful creation, created in the image of God, this is the truth, whether i believe it or not, and I tell the lies, to be silent right now. No longer will i give into the lies of not beleiving who i am, but i will stand up and cry as hard as i can and as loud and long as i can that I am Robert Moses Augi, created to be a son of God, created to live in perfect harmony with Him and to live out the destiny and purpose He has for my life...
And I am loved, I am called to be a son, I am called to be a lover and a companion of Jesus Christ. I will live all my days for you my Lord, draw me closer to your heart, draw me closer to who you are and continue to help me look to you. Holy spirit, silence the lies in my mind, bring confidence and peace through the truth of who i am. Give me peace and comfort as I step into the truth, and help me believe it. Help me believe who You have called me to be, help me rely on you, your strength, in your joy I will find my strength. In my weakness you will be my strength and power.
I thank you for freedom God, I thank you that you continually pull me into freedom, that you are wanting to set your children free more and more as we get closer to you, and Lord I'm asking that you would use this life you've given me to help your children be set free, and for those who do not realize they are your children yet to find you as their father...
To you be all the Glory, all the honour, all the power and all the praise, in this life, and in this earth....you are great....and i love you,
Saturday, May 20, 2006
and here it is
love is a stong as death...
don't you think there's more to life? something more than duty and death?
why be capable of feelings if we're not meant to have them....why long for things if they're not meant to be ours?
don't you think there's more to life? something more than duty and death?
why be capable of feelings if we're not meant to have them....why long for things if they're not meant to be ours?
my heart...bear before my king...before my lover...
I'm tired of coming home to an empty home...
I'm tired of going to bed with an empty soul...
I'm tired of feeling so lonely and wretched...
I'm tired of feeling so fearful and scared...
When does love show it's face?
When does love reach out it's hand?
When will I feel your touch on my shoulder?
When will you come to me, and rescue my heart?
For in despair i feel the cold touch of fear...
For in lonelinenss I wonder at eternity,
Will I feel this way forever?
Will I taste of love so sweet?
Will I run through fields of colour?
Will I fall before your feet?
It's in your eternal hands i find myself.
Begging for grace and mercy for my soul.
It's in your heart i see true love and peace
Struggling to hold on to the things i see.
You've come from far, and held my hand,
You've come from heaven and touched my soul,
Yet in this moment i fear the worst,
To be alone for a moment would kill me...
Would bring me down to the deepest of terrors,
Would shatter my heart and my soul to pieces,
Would be to much to handle, to much to bear
Would all in all, break my heart this night.
So, i come to your chamber,
I come to your feet,
I come to the foot of your bed where you sleep,
I've come to ask forgiveness,
I've come to say im' sorry,
I've come to repent for all i've done,
And hope to feel your Glory.
I've sat in silence for far to long,
I've sat in depression for years on end,
I've stood in loneliness that my heart can't bear,
I've fallen to the ground; sad, broken, and crowned.
You lift me up, You sustain me still,
Yet my heart cries out, and understands so little.
All within me cries for more,
And everything around me screams in pain.
I've lifted my eyes, once again,
I've lifted my ears to hear your voice,
Please come to me
Please hear my cry
Please see my face
Please touch my eyes,
Please let me see
Please let me hear
Please bring me peace
...as i drink this beer.
In all the darkness of the world, there is one that's peace bring silence so still. I've felt this peace, I've felt Your hand, I've come to love Your word and heart. So bring me peace oh Lord yet again, Please bring me hope for this weary heart. My head hangs low, my heart is heavy. My peace is gone and my strength is weary.... In all i am, and all i hope to be, my question to you is ... "Please set me free..."
Sin has gripped me
Pain has torn me
Hate has filled me
and Rain falls on me,
My heart is cold and dry and broken,
My life is old and cracked and smoked...
I cry a tear, for this love so dear,
I wait for your hand, to come heal my heart.
I wait for you love, to show me the land,
the land that is promised, the land that is plenty,
the land that is due to bring me my bounty.
The land that You've built, the land that You've nurtured,
All for this one heart, all for this one life.
To walk into promise,
To walk into hope,
To stand in your presence,
and taste of your greatness.
To fall at your feet,
To break in your love,
To lift up my hands
For the truest of Loves.
I come to you now,
I come to your thrown,
Please forgive me for sins,
Even ones that'ar unknown
bring healing to my heart,
bring restoration here,
bring health ot my body,
bring peace to my soul.
all that i am and all that i've been, i commit to you now, from now to the end. I know i will fail and i konw i will curse, but in times of my trouble, i feel you so close. So, bring to me healing, and bring to me faith, for in all of my life, i want to bring you all praise. I need you right now, and for ever i will, need your presence and love, to fill all of my being. Please come and sit near me, please come and hold close, to my heart i will ask you to put the Holy Ghost.
As night goes on steady,
As day comes so early,
I will lift up my voice and my hands to You only,
For thine is the Kingdom, the Power and Glory,
Forever and ever, and ever Amen...
I'm tired of going to bed with an empty soul...
I'm tired of feeling so lonely and wretched...
I'm tired of feeling so fearful and scared...
When does love show it's face?
When does love reach out it's hand?
When will I feel your touch on my shoulder?
When will you come to me, and rescue my heart?
For in despair i feel the cold touch of fear...
For in lonelinenss I wonder at eternity,
Will I feel this way forever?
Will I taste of love so sweet?
Will I run through fields of colour?
Will I fall before your feet?
It's in your eternal hands i find myself.
Begging for grace and mercy for my soul.
It's in your heart i see true love and peace
Struggling to hold on to the things i see.
You've come from far, and held my hand,
You've come from heaven and touched my soul,
Yet in this moment i fear the worst,
To be alone for a moment would kill me...
Would bring me down to the deepest of terrors,
Would shatter my heart and my soul to pieces,
Would be to much to handle, to much to bear
Would all in all, break my heart this night.
So, i come to your chamber,
I come to your feet,
I come to the foot of your bed where you sleep,
I've come to ask forgiveness,
I've come to say im' sorry,
I've come to repent for all i've done,
And hope to feel your Glory.
I've sat in silence for far to long,
I've sat in depression for years on end,
I've stood in loneliness that my heart can't bear,
I've fallen to the ground; sad, broken, and crowned.
You lift me up, You sustain me still,
Yet my heart cries out, and understands so little.
All within me cries for more,
And everything around me screams in pain.
I've lifted my eyes, once again,
I've lifted my ears to hear your voice,
Please come to me
Please hear my cry
Please see my face
Please touch my eyes,
Please let me see
Please let me hear
Please bring me peace
...as i drink this beer.
In all the darkness of the world, there is one that's peace bring silence so still. I've felt this peace, I've felt Your hand, I've come to love Your word and heart. So bring me peace oh Lord yet again, Please bring me hope for this weary heart. My head hangs low, my heart is heavy. My peace is gone and my strength is weary.... In all i am, and all i hope to be, my question to you is ... "Please set me free..."
Sin has gripped me
Pain has torn me
Hate has filled me
and Rain falls on me,
My heart is cold and dry and broken,
My life is old and cracked and smoked...
I cry a tear, for this love so dear,
I wait for your hand, to come heal my heart.
I wait for you love, to show me the land,
the land that is promised, the land that is plenty,
the land that is due to bring me my bounty.
The land that You've built, the land that You've nurtured,
All for this one heart, all for this one life.
To walk into promise,
To walk into hope,
To stand in your presence,
and taste of your greatness.
To fall at your feet,
To break in your love,
To lift up my hands
For the truest of Loves.
I come to you now,
I come to your thrown,
Please forgive me for sins,
Even ones that'ar unknown
bring healing to my heart,
bring restoration here,
bring health ot my body,
bring peace to my soul.
all that i am and all that i've been, i commit to you now, from now to the end. I know i will fail and i konw i will curse, but in times of my trouble, i feel you so close. So, bring to me healing, and bring to me faith, for in all of my life, i want to bring you all praise. I need you right now, and for ever i will, need your presence and love, to fill all of my being. Please come and sit near me, please come and hold close, to my heart i will ask you to put the Holy Ghost.
As night goes on steady,
As day comes so early,
I will lift up my voice and my hands to You only,
For thine is the Kingdom, the Power and Glory,
Forever and ever, and ever Amen...
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Saviour, Lead me on...
And suddenly I’m filled with the urgency to get a pen and paper, or at least open a word processor…
Where to go.
The sky is cloudy, the distant horizon dark with shades of orange and red…Oh the glory and splendor of the night sky. Yet, It feels cold. Oh why again am I in this place. How could my focus have become so skewed that I’m now staring at the ground wondering how my foot got stuck in this mud.
I look around me. I’m on the edge of a forest, it’s dark, it’s getting darker too. It’s cold, the mud around my ankle holds on like an iron grip, its cold, wet, gross textured hand creeping up my leg. I feel it wrap around my ankle and stumble as my knee gives way to its hold. I fear the sin that’s gripped my life. Why? Because it’s cold and it breaks me down, because it’s invaded my very soul and I don’t remember giving it permission to do so. “Damn you for not listening to the truth…” I scold myself.
I stop struggling. I wonder how I didn’t even see this hole of mud, this sinkhole waiting to capture me. I then remember that all these things boil down to a single thing. Choices. What choice did I make. Well, last thing I remember was that I was walking down the path of life, it was a bright and shining day, it was glorious. My saviour in sight, my King on the throne. And something caught my eye. It was only a glimpse, a fragment of something I thought I’d tasted before, something I thought I’d enjoyed before. And then it happened, I made that fated choice to step off the trail. It’s not a wide trail you see, it’s very small, it’s very narrow. One would even wonder how you would stay on this trail. You would think, it being the good trail, the marked road to a life more glorious than one could imagine, it would be plainly marked and have huge signs and lights or something. But very simple this path is, very plain. I wonder what attracted me to this path in the first place. It’s not a fun path.
Oh my goodness…remember that day my lover came, and saved me from that sinkhole of mud I was stuck in?!? I do, I remember that day as clear as the crystal sea he took me to, to clean the dirt off my feet, my knees, and my hands as I fell and face-planted into the grime before me. He saved me, He rescued me. Not only did he clean me, but it was the best day of my life. In fact, I don’t even remember how long that was, but he led me, led me into the most beautiful place, it was along that trail. The one that isn’t marked well, the one that isn’t fully cleared. I even remember asking him why it wasn’t such a well marked path. His answer intrigued me.
“The ones I lead down this path are few and far between. It’s hard to find someone who wants to adventure these days. I’ve been longing for as long as I can remember to have adventures with those I love. But this path is hidden from those who are looking for the easy road, this path is hidden from those who want to ride along and skip the adventure and just get to the prize.”
“But my Lord, don’t you want people to find this path, and surely you want people to get to the Kingdom?”
“Of course, but to make them do it would be wrong, don’t you see?”
I kind of stirred, it was interesting the way he put that. Making someone find happiness being wrong, it didn’t make sense.
He continued, “if you wanted something, something that would hurt you, but I didn’t tell you about the better choice, the one that would save you and give you more life, I made you take it instead, would you trust me? Would you want to stay with me? If I made you do everything. Does that sound like love?”
“Well,” I stammered, “no I guess, but I just think that if you love someone you would help them at any cost, wouldn’t you?”
“How can I help you if you don’t want it?”
“But surely I would want your help wouldn’t I, and I’m sure others do as well?”
“Remember not to long ago you were walking along my path, and you caught a glimpse of something shiny, it looked nice, but you didn’t know what it was, and when you reached out for it, instead of grabbing hold of it, it grabbed hold of you, and pulled you into the mud and grime that left you stuck for so long?”
“Yes of course, you came and rescued me…”
“You called out for me. You didn’t know what you were even calling for, but you asked for a saviour, you asked to be saved.”
“Is that all it takes?”
“Yes”
“That sounds easy”
“It is, but many don’t do that. They live on thinking they can handle it. Most don’t even realize they are stuck, most don’t see what they are in. Most are so used to the darkness around them, that light seems hurtful, seems painful. When I come close, they cringe because the darkness in them screams the most horrible shrill cry you’ve ever heard, but that darkness is all they know…”
“What can we do Lord?”, I asked.
“Don’t you see this is why I can’t make people change, I can’t make people accept me. It must be a choice. But, they don’t want to change, they don’t see what they are in. They think they know how to run their own lives.”
“how do you bring them in?”
“a small whisper, a gentle touch. A nudge that defines who I am in all my simplicity. A loving carress that leaves the heart longing for more because it’s a simple taste of the goodness and wholeness that I carry. The realization that life is missing something. Remember when that happened to you?”
“Oh yes, like it was yesterday. It was such a horrible time. I couldn’t even see clearly, I had that tumour on the side of my head. Or whatever it was, a lump of some sort. I felt so empty, so destitute. I was addicted to video games, I was playing more games than I had time. My life was a wreck. When I was alone at night, in the dark, everything I saw was a means to an end, it was either something to cover the pain, make it go away, or it was a choice to end it all, take my own life.”
“Do you remember what stopped you?”
“of course, that choice to end my life was always seconded by the thought of my brother crying…my mother and father and sister’s hearts breaking…”
“That was my nudge, my gentle way of letting you know there was hope, letting you know that there was love in this world for you. You weren’t ready to experience my love. And at that time I couldn’t make you come around, I couldn’t make things better when you didn’t ask. And then what happened?”
Suddenly I was reminded of standing in front of my school, my high school. I was standing there, feeling the lump on the side of my head, waiting to go to another day of work that got me nowhere, holding a cigarette in my hand, which seemed like the only thing that calmed me down. It was my moment of sanity from an otherwise horrible life. And I looked up at the sky, a tear dripped down my face and I cried, I cried so hard, and I screamed. I don’t remember if I saw anyone around me, I just screamed, I yelled up at the sky, asking for God to do something, do something please, because this life will kill me. What is going on? What is happening, I can’t believe my own life…
“That was the moment I was able to move in and give guidance towards your live. All your life up until that point was striving, was trying to make something happen. You would go to conferences, and come home, determined to live a life of change, determined to read and go to church and all the things you thought were right. Yet, what you missed was relationship. No one had ever told you I wanted to be your friend. Just that I was your God and you needed to live for me…”
Sitting by this calm sea of glass we were looking out over I cried, I crumpled down and cried at the feet of my Lord. He lifted my head and put it on his lap. I lay there, motionless, letting my heart cry out, letting my soul split open with the need of a saviour once again.
“How can I ever please you?”
was all I could think to say, I couldn’t get this detrimental attitude out of my head, I couldn’t figure out how I would ever end up not completely disowning my God and breaking His heart again…
“How can I do what’s right, I’m such a failure. I have more problem in my heart than I know what to do with. I can’t live for you, I can’t carry your sword, I can’t free your people…”
He wrapped his arms around me and held me close. He didn’t even say a word. He just held me close as my eyes poured out my hearts deepest fears. Then I felt a tear fall on my neck. It wasn’t my tear…it was a tear from the eye of my Lover, My saviour. He sat there, holding me close to his chest, sobbing as His tears rolled down my neck. I’d never felt such calm…such peace. I had never felt such love from a drop on my neck. It seemed with those tears my pain was being washed away.
I suddenly was saw blood. All I could see was blood, and I realized what I was seeing in my minds eye, my Saviour on a cross, crying, dripping with blood. The blood poured from His side, His hands, His feet. The tears flooded out of his hurting, broken eyes as he hung there, his life giving in to death. Oh I cried. To bear sight of that awful situation, yet to see the salvation as it hung there before me. As I saw the tears and blood fall from my Lord, I saw them intertwine as they ran down the cross onto the ground.
At that moment I rubbed my neck and saw blood and tears on my hand, and I suddenly realized I was lying underneath the foot of the cross, the tears and blood that flowed out of Christ washing over me. And all I could feel was life, as my sin was washed away, washed from my life, as it stuck to His.
As my pain was washed away, and my heart was strengthened, as my heart was mended and my body was encouraged to stand, I found myself once again under that tree, with my Saviour.
Looking me in the eye He said, “May I lead you on the most incredible adventure you’ve ever known?”
I took his hand and he led me on, down that path, down that barely marked, dirt covered path we walked. Joy filled my heart, the sun rose with power and strength, and my life seemed new.
I remembered that moment as I looked down and wondered why I was stuck in mud again. On that path I live in love, I live in life. Yet, so many times I’ve been fooled by something shiny off to the side of the trail. Something that intrigues me, and I seldom know what it even is, but it’s shiny, and so I reach out, and again, I’m stuck, again I’m dragged down into the mire and dirt of a life of sin.
“GOD THAT YOUR TEARS AND BLOOD WOULD WASH ME AGAIN!!!!!”, I cry out. I lean forward, strength comes over me and I feel sweat on my brow. I wipe it off and look at my hand, I see blood, and I see tears.
I hear a small voice inside of me speak out, “I have not left you, I have not forsaken you. For I am right here with you, right beside you, right behind you, right infront of you, all around you and most importantly, inside of you. My life I poured into you on that day, on that day you accepted me, on that day you chose to believe. Let today be the day that you rise up, that you feel my life inside of you. Let today be the day that you recognize what is inside of you. That sin does not have a hold on your life. That sin has invaded an area that it does not belong in, that it has tried to tread ground on a place it is not allowed. Stand my son, Rise and shine for the Glory of God is on you. Rise and shine for the time has come for you to realize life and life to the fullest. I have not called you for a time such as this, but for this time, this very time, this moment, to rise, to stand tall and straight. To be the mighty man of valour you are called to be. Time to be the strong and true warrior that you are destined to walk this earth as. The
“Go out and free those you see. Go out and take the hand of your neighbor, take the hand of your son, your daughter, your mother, your brother, take the hand of the hurting widow, the broken and destitute, the sad and lonely, take the hand of those you see and lead them, lead them into the promised land…"
Monday, May 08, 2006
such a wretched being...
So, i've really been thinking about the heart lately.
It's desire not to be alone, but to have a companion, the desire to have someone that is closer than anyone else. That simple, rudimentary part of a person's being that knows they just don't want to, nor should they be alone in this life.
Oh sure it hits two levels. We were built to desire and crave a God that is the only being able to fill a gap in our hearts, our lives. This I know. And this i've asked, that the Lord would fill that gap. But there is this other gap (oh, and now that i write that, i gotta get asking that one again, and keep asking everyday, and every moment of everyday that God would fill the gaping holes we have in our lives without Him...), but this other gap, the one longing for a soul-mate, if i can use those 2 words.
it's an interesting way to say it. Soul-Mate. Yes she would be my mate, yet, it's so much more than just what you see, what you feel, it's so 'soul' based.
Spectator 103.45 says, "bubububuuut Robert, How on earth do you know, you've never had a girlfriend, let alone a souououl-mate"... (yes, specator 103.45 has a stutter..don't laugh, i had a lisp when i was a child)...
well my silly little stuttering compadre, i know this simply because it is my soul that cries out for this. Not just my body, or my mind even...but there is a part deep inside of me, that recognizes it is missing something.
This doesn't boarder obsession, it's not even close, it's just the constant knowing that there is something out there, some"ONE" out there that will make this life seem more alive, that in our relationship, our union, there i will be even closer to God, that there is a promise from our God that is yet unfinished....many, sure, but this is one that hits home.
Everyday i have not a companion on this earth, is one less day on this earth i will experience the fullness of God's creation. The woman, a beautiful, mystical, mysterious and lovely being, everything one could desire, no mistakes about it, when God created man, he held off because he knew the second batch is always a better one... (im' sorry ladies and gentlemen for very simply relating the entire human race to a batch of cookies).
"It is not good for the man to be alone..."
ever wonder if God looks at you and says that? and begins to, in his crafty, wonderfully sneaky way work about His promises towards us, that He would, in His perfect timing bring alone this wonderful, perfect and lovely being that requires your whole love, yet, you'd gladly lay it down before her. That one that shatters that statement "It is not good for the man to be alone..." *SMASH*....gone...
if it is NOT good for the man to be alone..then it must be GOOD for the man to have someone..
Every Good and Perfect Gift comes from the Lord.
makes me wonder why Paul degraded such an incredible union to a solutions for low 'self control'...
God: "Be Fruitful and Mulitply"
Paul: "I say to the unmarried and to widows that it is good for them if they remain even as I."
Sorry Paul, you absolutely NAILED it on that whole 'armour of God' thing in Ephesians (if in fact you wrote Ephesians...), but i'm going to have to go with God on this one.
So, it's settled, once i get over those remaining 7500 issues i have dealing with women, relationships, self worth and intimacy, i'll be ready for a wife. I know, I don't actively speak issues over my life....i just recognize that i have a ways to go in my walk of healing and freedom. But it's a walk that is uphill, challenging, and i have a Loving father that takes my hand and leads the way...so no, i do NOT have 7500 relationship issues, but i do also not have this thing figured out, and my heart, as amazing as it is, continues to need healing...so i ask, i ask you to heal me Father...
simple really.
Today's prayer (feel free to pray along if you find yourself alone and single and wondering what on earth i've just talked about...also, if you're married and happy, you better say a prayer for me, cause if you just say something like "nice blog"..i'll slap ya for rubbing your marriage status in my face ;).... just kidding..)
"God, You know the 2 areas of my heart, my life that are still remaining empty. The area of my life that needs You, and the part that is longing for the companion you desire me to have. The part of my heart that is missing You, You have been faithful and good to fill time and time again, but everytime i look at it, that canyon becomes larger and deeper, needing to be filled sovereignly again, needing to feel your love, your acceptance and your compassion over my life again. You have proved yourself faithful, loving and true, and I ask only that you would continue to draw me closer to Your heart, closer to the very place I find life. I need you more and more and more than I ever thought i would. Please be gracious and merciful, and fine me where i am, in my sin, in my disgust, in my shame and guilt, in all the dirt and grime that clings to me still. Let your loving presence and the blood that was Shed wash me clean. My Saviour, my King, My comfortor and my Lord, come again and fill me with your love. And to this second area of my heart. I can only assume when you say "I have plans to prosper you..." that this is included from the time you long ago said it was not good for man to be alone. It is still, not good for man to be alone. I need you not to put me to sleep and take my rib, but that you would bring along that perfect companion, who not quite as beautiful as you, will be the most beautiful woman this this poor young man has ever known. And give signs, and give nudges and give words to my ear that I can give heed to the promise set out before me.
God, you built me for relationship. Relationship with you, and relationship with your sons and daughters on this earth. And with every breath i want to honour that, teach me to Love, true love, true kindness and patience and mercy and acceptance and all the things you define Love as being, in the simple truth that YOU ARE LOVE.
I'm asking for your will Father, Your will be done in my life, your kingdom come in my life, here on earth, as you've already designed for it to take place in heaven.
LET YOUR KINGDOM COME..."
i love you...
Robert M. Augi
It's desire not to be alone, but to have a companion, the desire to have someone that is closer than anyone else. That simple, rudimentary part of a person's being that knows they just don't want to, nor should they be alone in this life.
Oh sure it hits two levels. We were built to desire and crave a God that is the only being able to fill a gap in our hearts, our lives. This I know. And this i've asked, that the Lord would fill that gap. But there is this other gap (oh, and now that i write that, i gotta get asking that one again, and keep asking everyday, and every moment of everyday that God would fill the gaping holes we have in our lives without Him...), but this other gap, the one longing for a soul-mate, if i can use those 2 words.
it's an interesting way to say it. Soul-Mate. Yes she would be my mate, yet, it's so much more than just what you see, what you feel, it's so 'soul' based.
Spectator 103.45 says, "bubububuuut Robert, How on earth do you know, you've never had a girlfriend, let alone a souououl-mate"... (yes, specator 103.45 has a stutter..don't laugh, i had a lisp when i was a child)...
well my silly little stuttering compadre, i know this simply because it is my soul that cries out for this. Not just my body, or my mind even...but there is a part deep inside of me, that recognizes it is missing something.
This doesn't boarder obsession, it's not even close, it's just the constant knowing that there is something out there, some"ONE" out there that will make this life seem more alive, that in our relationship, our union, there i will be even closer to God, that there is a promise from our God that is yet unfinished....many, sure, but this is one that hits home.
Everyday i have not a companion on this earth, is one less day on this earth i will experience the fullness of God's creation. The woman, a beautiful, mystical, mysterious and lovely being, everything one could desire, no mistakes about it, when God created man, he held off because he knew the second batch is always a better one... (im' sorry ladies and gentlemen for very simply relating the entire human race to a batch of cookies).
"It is not good for the man to be alone..."
ever wonder if God looks at you and says that? and begins to, in his crafty, wonderfully sneaky way work about His promises towards us, that He would, in His perfect timing bring alone this wonderful, perfect and lovely being that requires your whole love, yet, you'd gladly lay it down before her. That one that shatters that statement "It is not good for the man to be alone..." *SMASH*....gone...
if it is NOT good for the man to be alone..then it must be GOOD for the man to have someone..
Every Good and Perfect Gift comes from the Lord.
makes me wonder why Paul degraded such an incredible union to a solutions for low 'self control'...
God: "Be Fruitful and Mulitply"
Paul: "I say to the unmarried and to widows that it is good for them if they remain even as I."
Sorry Paul, you absolutely NAILED it on that whole 'armour of God' thing in Ephesians (if in fact you wrote Ephesians...), but i'm going to have to go with God on this one.
So, it's settled, once i get over those remaining 7500 issues i have dealing with women, relationships, self worth and intimacy, i'll be ready for a wife. I know, I don't actively speak issues over my life....i just recognize that i have a ways to go in my walk of healing and freedom. But it's a walk that is uphill, challenging, and i have a Loving father that takes my hand and leads the way...so no, i do NOT have 7500 relationship issues, but i do also not have this thing figured out, and my heart, as amazing as it is, continues to need healing...so i ask, i ask you to heal me Father...
simple really.
Today's prayer (feel free to pray along if you find yourself alone and single and wondering what on earth i've just talked about...also, if you're married and happy, you better say a prayer for me, cause if you just say something like "nice blog"..i'll slap ya for rubbing your marriage status in my face ;).... just kidding..)
"God, You know the 2 areas of my heart, my life that are still remaining empty. The area of my life that needs You, and the part that is longing for the companion you desire me to have. The part of my heart that is missing You, You have been faithful and good to fill time and time again, but everytime i look at it, that canyon becomes larger and deeper, needing to be filled sovereignly again, needing to feel your love, your acceptance and your compassion over my life again. You have proved yourself faithful, loving and true, and I ask only that you would continue to draw me closer to Your heart, closer to the very place I find life. I need you more and more and more than I ever thought i would. Please be gracious and merciful, and fine me where i am, in my sin, in my disgust, in my shame and guilt, in all the dirt and grime that clings to me still. Let your loving presence and the blood that was Shed wash me clean. My Saviour, my King, My comfortor and my Lord, come again and fill me with your love. And to this second area of my heart. I can only assume when you say "I have plans to prosper you..." that this is included from the time you long ago said it was not good for man to be alone. It is still, not good for man to be alone. I need you not to put me to sleep and take my rib, but that you would bring along that perfect companion, who not quite as beautiful as you, will be the most beautiful woman this this poor young man has ever known. And give signs, and give nudges and give words to my ear that I can give heed to the promise set out before me.
God, you built me for relationship. Relationship with you, and relationship with your sons and daughters on this earth. And with every breath i want to honour that, teach me to Love, true love, true kindness and patience and mercy and acceptance and all the things you define Love as being, in the simple truth that YOU ARE LOVE.
I'm asking for your will Father, Your will be done in my life, your kingdom come in my life, here on earth, as you've already designed for it to take place in heaven.
LET YOUR KINGDOM COME..."
i love you...
Robert M. Augi
Thursday, April 27, 2006
i think...
i think i've realized something.
sometimes i get really nervous if i'm supposed to lead worship. and i think i just realized why it is that i get really nervous sometimes.... it's because it's a team sport..
and when you're playing with a team that you don't know, or that you think doesn't want to be there, or that you aren't used to playing with...it leaves something, that is all about the heart, a very precarious, worrisome event.
like...if i ask someone to play with me, and they have to see if they can fit it in their schedule, not if they can make it happen, but if they can 'fit it in'...then it's really not all that encouraging...
questions like "do you really need someone"...or "if you can find someone else that'd be great"..
i don't know....it's aded stress i just don't want right now...that's the long and short of it...
when, this shouldn't even be a stress thing...
i could stand up there by myself and do it... but who really likes to play alone...
It's not even about trying to find people...it's about finding people that have the same heart, that connect, that want to grow in it, not just suffer through it... do i smell funny?!?
sometimes i get really nervous if i'm supposed to lead worship. and i think i just realized why it is that i get really nervous sometimes.... it's because it's a team sport..
and when you're playing with a team that you don't know, or that you think doesn't want to be there, or that you aren't used to playing with...it leaves something, that is all about the heart, a very precarious, worrisome event.
like...if i ask someone to play with me, and they have to see if they can fit it in their schedule, not if they can make it happen, but if they can 'fit it in'...then it's really not all that encouraging...
questions like "do you really need someone"...or "if you can find someone else that'd be great"..
i don't know....it's aded stress i just don't want right now...that's the long and short of it...
when, this shouldn't even be a stress thing...
i could stand up there by myself and do it... but who really likes to play alone...
It's not even about trying to find people...it's about finding people that have the same heart, that connect, that want to grow in it, not just suffer through it... do i smell funny?!?
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
strain on the muscles....soooo goood/bad...good...i don't know
after a full week of not having been able to get to the gym, i finally got there last night. did my full circuit routine and walked out feeling so nice.
i don't know if this has ever happ....wait..i KNOW this has never happened to me.. that i actually 'want' to go to the gym, that i enjoy it, that it's something that's not only part of my day, but an enjoyable part of my day, and my day just don't feel complete without it. how's that for a mystery huh?
onto the other troubling bit of information. i've been sick for almost 2 weeks...again, it feels like i have been nothing but sick this year. i'm really looking forward to a moment of health...
yesterday was decent...and then today, right now, i'm feeling much worse..
i was feeling good this morning, throat hurt a very small amount...but now, i'm back to being in much pain just from swallowing....no, not vania swallowing...
oops..
anyways...
i don't know if this has ever happ....wait..i KNOW this has never happened to me.. that i actually 'want' to go to the gym, that i enjoy it, that it's something that's not only part of my day, but an enjoyable part of my day, and my day just don't feel complete without it. how's that for a mystery huh?
onto the other troubling bit of information. i've been sick for almost 2 weeks...again, it feels like i have been nothing but sick this year. i'm really looking forward to a moment of health...
yesterday was decent...and then today, right now, i'm feeling much worse..
i was feeling good this morning, throat hurt a very small amount...but now, i'm back to being in much pain just from swallowing....no, not vania swallowing...
oops..
anyways...
Monday, April 24, 2006
and then...
And then it hits me...
i'm still so lonely, searching, looking, longing for that friend that I don't fully know.
I realize this as i sit here and my heart, yes, my heart, as retarded as that sounds, is begging and crying out to play video games... i know what you're thinking "Video Games?!?! Rob, that's just pizza, or something"...but the truth is friends, i haven't had pizza in weeks.
Video Games, because the types of Video Games i played were MMORPG...Massively Multi-player Online Role Playing Games. Meaning, You play with thousands of people, you have a common goal, no one really knows who you are because you are a character in a game, meaning, you can be anything you want, or at least, what really is seen is your 'character', your personality if you will. Well, to be honest, i really love my personality, i think i'm a funny, lovable, enjoyable guy, however, i really don't like who i am physically (i'm working on it, and in fact, i was in a place where i gave my testimony as to when God actually told me "hey, you are beautiful..." and it really hit me again that what i look like doesn't matter, that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and who holds the whole world in His hands?...our God, so i guess he's the beholder of all huh?)
anyways. It's much easier to hide than to teach yourself the truth....and so this longing, this really deep longing to hide, to disapear into a character that conquers worlds, that kills the beast that everyone loves and wants to be around...sounds really really apetizing right now...
Thankfully i cancelled that subscription....
see, these games conquer two parts of your heart, and that's why they are so addictive. You get to hide, be someone else, be something that is kewl, something that is powerful, something that is straight up Baddass...AND, it feeds that desire for power, it feeds that desire to conquer, to reign, and of course most of these games have a very spiritual aspect to them, (or at least the ones i played do) and so you are left with this need to have spiritual power, without the 'reading and praying part'...all you need to do is complete a quest by killing some dragons, or goblins, or ghosts and you get a new spell, that will burn with a fire of your gods and iluminate your way and burn the infernal enemies that stand before you....
yes, i know it sounds so exciting doesn't it?...in fact...a good friend of mine used to ask me why i didn't read the bible, and instead i read the devil-book....now, he's laughing as he reads this, and the rest of you (all 1 of you that read this site) have absolutely no idea what i'm talking about...
but friend, i'll have you know, i haven't read the devil book in a long time, yet, i did read my bible this morning...
so, i'm left with this desire to fight, to conquer, but mostly, i'm left with this burning desire to be accepted....loved....covered, and lead...leading and learning....growing...but really....accepted.
i think i'll work for a while longer, then hit up the gym...
i'm still so lonely, searching, looking, longing for that friend that I don't fully know.
I realize this as i sit here and my heart, yes, my heart, as retarded as that sounds, is begging and crying out to play video games... i know what you're thinking "Video Games?!?! Rob, that's just pizza, or something"...but the truth is friends, i haven't had pizza in weeks.
Video Games, because the types of Video Games i played were MMORPG...Massively Multi-player Online Role Playing Games. Meaning, You play with thousands of people, you have a common goal, no one really knows who you are because you are a character in a game, meaning, you can be anything you want, or at least, what really is seen is your 'character', your personality if you will. Well, to be honest, i really love my personality, i think i'm a funny, lovable, enjoyable guy, however, i really don't like who i am physically (i'm working on it, and in fact, i was in a place where i gave my testimony as to when God actually told me "hey, you are beautiful..." and it really hit me again that what i look like doesn't matter, that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and who holds the whole world in His hands?...our God, so i guess he's the beholder of all huh?)
anyways. It's much easier to hide than to teach yourself the truth....and so this longing, this really deep longing to hide, to disapear into a character that conquers worlds, that kills the beast that everyone loves and wants to be around...sounds really really apetizing right now...
Thankfully i cancelled that subscription....
see, these games conquer two parts of your heart, and that's why they are so addictive. You get to hide, be someone else, be something that is kewl, something that is powerful, something that is straight up Baddass...AND, it feeds that desire for power, it feeds that desire to conquer, to reign, and of course most of these games have a very spiritual aspect to them, (or at least the ones i played do) and so you are left with this need to have spiritual power, without the 'reading and praying part'...all you need to do is complete a quest by killing some dragons, or goblins, or ghosts and you get a new spell, that will burn with a fire of your gods and iluminate your way and burn the infernal enemies that stand before you....
yes, i know it sounds so exciting doesn't it?...in fact...a good friend of mine used to ask me why i didn't read the bible, and instead i read the devil-book....now, he's laughing as he reads this, and the rest of you (all 1 of you that read this site) have absolutely no idea what i'm talking about...
but friend, i'll have you know, i haven't read the devil book in a long time, yet, i did read my bible this morning...
so, i'm left with this desire to fight, to conquer, but mostly, i'm left with this burning desire to be accepted....loved....covered, and lead...leading and learning....growing...but really....accepted.
i think i'll work for a while longer, then hit up the gym...
what's up with that?!?
this is such a quick entry,
so if you come here for some meat, you will be sorely disapointed...i'm sorry...
but i just had this crazy thought.
I had lunch today with a couple of people i absolutely adore, who happen to be a 'couple'...a married couple that is, and i've been sitting here thinking (and working, don't get all bent out of shape, jeez, i can multi-task like it's nobody's business....like...it's not your business, see, that's how much i can multi-task. wow, that saying makes no sense, none what-so-ever).
So anyways, it got me thinking. Why is it that married couples, hang out with other married couples, and the rest of us single folk really only hang out with these 'married' couples once we are in fact a couple of our own. So, to hang out with a married couple, i would in fact have to become a married couple (which, if you haven't noticed, is quite difficult...and if it was easy for you i don't want to hear about it :P ).
anyways. It's just an observation, not entirely true, as in, 100% true, but i'd wager it's a good 90% true. Or maybe it's just true around here.
I don't know.
I think what really got me thinking about it was the fact that i started thinking about becoming a married couple (that sounds weird...but, you know what i mean). Anyways, i had this flash thought "is it because i think that will gain me another level of acceptance?"
guess it's back to the drawing board on this whole sonship / orphan thing huh?
yay for things triggering stuff in your heart you don't really want to deal with...yet, you really want to deal with, because it might just make life that much more exciting...
anyways,
that's about all i got for now, so you'll have to forgive the useless yet, un-exciting comment.
so if you come here for some meat, you will be sorely disapointed...i'm sorry...
but i just had this crazy thought.
I had lunch today with a couple of people i absolutely adore, who happen to be a 'couple'...a married couple that is, and i've been sitting here thinking (and working, don't get all bent out of shape, jeez, i can multi-task like it's nobody's business....like...it's not your business, see, that's how much i can multi-task. wow, that saying makes no sense, none what-so-ever).
So anyways, it got me thinking. Why is it that married couples, hang out with other married couples, and the rest of us single folk really only hang out with these 'married' couples once we are in fact a couple of our own. So, to hang out with a married couple, i would in fact have to become a married couple (which, if you haven't noticed, is quite difficult...and if it was easy for you i don't want to hear about it :P ).
anyways. It's just an observation, not entirely true, as in, 100% true, but i'd wager it's a good 90% true. Or maybe it's just true around here.
I don't know.
I think what really got me thinking about it was the fact that i started thinking about becoming a married couple (that sounds weird...but, you know what i mean). Anyways, i had this flash thought "is it because i think that will gain me another level of acceptance?"
guess it's back to the drawing board on this whole sonship / orphan thing huh?
yay for things triggering stuff in your heart you don't really want to deal with...yet, you really want to deal with, because it might just make life that much more exciting...
anyways,
that's about all i got for now, so you'll have to forgive the useless yet, un-exciting comment.
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