and then...

And then it hits me...

i'm still so lonely, searching, looking, longing for that friend that I don't fully know.
I realize this as i sit here and my heart, yes, my heart, as retarded as that sounds, is begging and crying out to play video games... i know what you're thinking "Video Games?!?! Rob, that's just pizza, or something"...but the truth is friends, i haven't had pizza in weeks.
Video Games, because the types of Video Games i played were MMORPG...Massively Multi-player Online Role Playing Games. Meaning, You play with thousands of people, you have a common goal, no one really knows who you are because you are a character in a game, meaning, you can be anything you want, or at least, what really is seen is your 'character', your personality if you will. Well, to be honest, i really love my personality, i think i'm a funny, lovable, enjoyable guy, however, i really don't like who i am physically (i'm working on it, and in fact, i was in a place where i gave my testimony as to when God actually told me "hey, you are beautiful..." and it really hit me again that what i look like doesn't matter, that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and who holds the whole world in His hands?...our God, so i guess he's the beholder of all huh?)
anyways. It's much easier to hide than to teach yourself the truth....and so this longing, this really deep longing to hide, to disapear into a character that conquers worlds, that kills the beast that everyone loves and wants to be around...sounds really really apetizing right now...
Thankfully i cancelled that subscription....

see, these games conquer two parts of your heart, and that's why they are so addictive. You get to hide, be someone else, be something that is kewl, something that is powerful, something that is straight up Baddass...AND, it feeds that desire for power, it feeds that desire to conquer, to reign, and of course most of these games have a very spiritual aspect to them, (or at least the ones i played do) and so you are left with this need to have spiritual power, without the 'reading and praying part'...all you need to do is complete a quest by killing some dragons, or goblins, or ghosts and you get a new spell, that will burn with a fire of your gods and iluminate your way and burn the infernal enemies that stand before you....

yes, i know it sounds so exciting doesn't it?...in fact...a good friend of mine used to ask me why i didn't read the bible, and instead i read the devil-book....now, he's laughing as he reads this, and the rest of you (all 1 of you that read this site) have absolutely no idea what i'm talking about...
but friend, i'll have you know, i haven't read the devil book in a long time, yet, i did read my bible this morning...

so, i'm left with this desire to fight, to conquer, but mostly, i'm left with this burning desire to be accepted....loved....covered, and lead...leading and learning....growing...but really....accepted.

i think i'll work for a while longer, then hit up the gym...