Why is it that when a person is hurt and falls over, but sits there for a while, and lets him/herself get used to the pain, it's just easy to stay seated and not deal with the pain?
Why is it that people who deal with a certain pain (ie. i have incredibly bad feet problems, which in turn throw out my ankles, knees and back), and have been dealing with that pain for a long time, just get used to it, put up with it and live on. live on with the pain, expecting no change what so ever.
Pain + Time = Tolerance to Pain = No Change
x+y=xy=abc (ok, i swear i won't try and make any mathematical equations anymore)
This equation can be put into use for every facet of ones life. Physical pain, Heart pain, Emotional status, spiritual well being, marital status...whatever you are going through, blindly or in full awareness of, this equation will apply.
I heard a man once say, 'We are so used to feeling/being 'bad' that when things start to go well, start to go in our favour, we instantly start to expect the 'bad' to return'.
Brings us to another equation that takes care of the 'good'.
---
experience -> belief -> expectation -> behaviour -> experience
---
Now this isn't particularly an 'equation' as much as it is a cycle that is quite evident in most peoples lives, if not all, and will be part of almost, if not all, situations in your life.
ex. - I clean kitchen (experience) -> Move says "thank you, i love you" (builds belief) -> If i clean, mom will love me (expectation) -> I now live life working very hard to 'earn' love (behaviour) -> people like me because of what i can do for them (experience)
now you can see how this would slowly turn for the worse, in what happens if i work real hard and someone tells me to F*** off, you did a shitty job. Oh man, new experience that is going to breed a new belief/expectation. "Working hard doesn't get me anything"etc...
now, where does this play into everyday life...first the equation.
I'll be honest, i don't handle change well. In fact i handle it in all the wrong ways. Especially knowing the truth so greatly, yet, disreguarding it as easily as throwing a hair net on the ground (we'll get to that later..remind me).
So, i find myself in a rough spot in life, (insert whole last post). And instead of talking about it, finding out what to do, letting my heart grow...i shut down. I turn back to cigarettes, which i had stopped for 5 months, felt amazing, voice kicked ass etc... i buy a video game, (same style i was addicted to 5 years ago, playing 20hrs a day some days...at least 8-12 a day anyways), but of course this time will be different right, i conquered that addiction right good, pornography, masturbation, smoking, movies, tv, whatever, anything to numb the brain so that i don't have to think about my current situation, so i don't have to deal with the shit inside of me that needs dealing with so desperately. As much as i love drinking, i haven't become an alcoholic, which is almost suprising somedays. Ok, so handle change well....doubtful.
Wallow (thank you dictionary.com) in my self pity and anquish...damn right i'm good at that.
What brings change? I mean, i find myself here, in this state i'm in, as pathetic and self degrading as it is, wondering why i should change. Seriously. I enjoy video games, i enjoy watching movies and sitting and doing nothing. I brings me a sense of ease i guess, it takes no effort to sit and do nothing, obviously.
now, ask me 6 months ago about all of this and i'd be flying high, i'd be gung-ho about christianity, about God, about the Truth, because i was sitting in that. But that got to hard. Ever feel like a complete wimp.
All equations, all cycles, all the shit aside. I feel like a fucking wimp.
I feel nothing like a man, i am nothing that i should be. Given the teaching, the experience and the life that i've been in for the last 4 years, and to still be dealing with the exact same shit i was dealing with 5 years ago....pathetic, i'm a damn wimp. I got nothin...
this isn't a down and out sob story. It's the reality of looking at oneself.
why can't i change?...i don't rely on God enough, i don't have enough will power?!?!..what are the reasons, why can't i change and stay changed? I focus on the wrong things, i don't keep up the winning attitude....WTF...who knows. Why can't people who get freedom hold onto freedom.
Why, sitting at 420lbs, do i have ZERO desire to loose a single pound. I should have every reason in the world to loose that shit. I should have no problem waking up in the morning saying "ROB....WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING TO YOURSELF....wake up man!!!"
Do i deserve change? I guess i think i don't. I don't deserve change because i've made myself this way, because i have no reason to change, or can't see the reason to change, and if i can't see it, why the hell should i deserve it, or go after it. and all the people in all the world can say to you the 'right thing' "you can do it buddy" "you're a winner"....
Jump inside my body and look down.....feel that winner inside....he don't exist.
10+ years of anything will bear down on you like an anvil stuck to your back. brings me back to that damn equation doesn't it. My pain has become me. as sick and disturbing as that is. it's the viewpoint of myself and countless others. I am this way, who the hell would care, and how on earth could i ever change it....
I had an absolutely wonderful conversation with a dear friend of mine, someone i view as a real parent in my life. She said she walked by my office at work and her heart just broke for me. That's kewl to know people care.
But i'm sick of feeling like a fucking basket case...seriously....
If i could answer "i'm doing great" to the next person that asks me how i'm doing.....when will that happen. And when will it happen that it gets to continue happening....
This same lady that i was speaking to the other day, her and her husband have to be the most real people i know. Kind, compassionate, loving, sooo dear to my heart, and they are also some of the busiest people i know, traveling the world all the time, up in years (oh lord don't anyone say i said that :P) but i have never seen them with anything but absolute love all over them. They are an inspiration to me, in more ways than they will ever know.
Cry out, desire change, desire the better in life, desire the fullness of what God has to offer you, scream at the top of your weak eternally powerful voice and reach towards a God that has more to give you than you will ever know. He won't ever let you down. I know that.
It's getting over yourself that's the hard part...
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Thursday, October 06, 2005
When the world is so big...
...yet so small.
Being in a place where you get the opportunity to travel often does away with that feeling inside that if a friend leaves you'll never see them again. I have a really great friend in Seattle...
man i just saw a great motorcycle just drive by....damn..
so my friend..he lives in Seattle, and I met him in Toronto, where I still live. Well there came a time after his year and a half here that he was to move back home. Now when someone you know, specially one of your closest friends, says they are moving across the continent, there is always (if you have a heart...) that air of sadness. You know. "Shit dude, when am i going to see you again?" comes up or, "well, it's been fun...later" (for those of you who are just plain cold).
But I've come to realize that the world just isn't as big as we all thought it was growing up. Yah traveling is expensive, but not beyong reach, specially when you aren't paying for most of it. I've now been out to Seattle twice over the last year and a bit to visit my friend, and have met dozens more people that i absolutely adore out there as well...more reason to travel back.
All that to say that over the last month I've had 2 of my best friends leave my city. One across the country, one on the other side of the world. And yes i've cried, man have i cried. It hits you at a certain point that you are loosing something so special. I'm almost thankful that for some reason none of the manifestations of my emotional state didn't surface till the day before my best friend left. and only a week before my second best friend (uhh..that sounds odd..like i number my best friends...and that's been weird to...i say "yah..loosing my best friend is hard"..and people are liek "i thought ***** was ur best friend"...dude..i'm not tellin' you who your friends are ...just back off...) anyways..
having by far the closest friend you've ever had, a room mate and a confidant moves will just about rip you apart. Literally...rip you apart. And 3 weeks later another best friend of yours, also a confidant of the highest variety...one who's advice has changed your life, who's love has impacted you far more than just the surface of what the majority of people experience in friendship; when friends of that calibor up and leave (not abandon, but move on, to bigger, better, more exciting , next-step adventures) you are faced with the harsh questions of what you do..why you do what you do....and what you're doing in the place you are in.
A pastor, a friend, a confidant, ....these things are not picked lightly, nor is it really in us to 'pick' them in the first place. We are designed to be attracted (not physically dumbass) to people, to qualities, to character and dreams, to the way people handle themselves and the way they treat/respond to us. Jack Canfield (chicken soup for the soul guy) says this "you are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with". now...when 2 / 5 leave, you're asking yourself over and over again, where do i go, who am i, who do i want to be, and what 5 people in this world do i want to be the average of?
my pastor/friend in whom just left pushed me farther than anyone i've known, challenged me deeper than anyone has challenged me, and probably (specially combined with his wife) were the most encouraging people i've had in my life.
Distance means nothing. I still have all the love and all the ......but distance means everything.
ya know you need 14 affectionate touches a day?... bet ya less than 10% of this messed up world gets that.
And it takes 4-7 encouraging/good words to anul 1 bad/unpositive word towards you...1:7...those odds are NOT in our favour. Yet we listen to shit, we take crap on everyday. Who are you around?
Who am i around?
i've been in this situation before...life takes a turn and people leave. I've lost best friends before, i've come through, and found others that my best friend is actually a list of best friends...but there are times when certain ones are closer than others...and at this point my heart is kicked because that list isn't around me...my 5/5 people around me feels like 0/5 around me.
And what i've realized this week, is that it's very damn hard to change when you have nothing to fight for, or even when you just feel like you have nothing to fight for. It's a different subject, but man if it isn't a tought one...that's right..tought..much like tight..but different.
people need constant challenge, encouragement, and connectedness...the 3 C's if you will...i just pulled that out of my butt..i can't stand when people make things like that "10 steps to this..." "4 steps to ...." the ABC's of ...." the *** of ****" whatever..ya know...and actually..now that i look at it..which has completely evaded me until this point..it's actually 2 C's and an E...so very odd...
although i guess i could write it like this...CCenC...and that's sort of like the 3 C's.
anyways...i'm really realizing that people need these things to survive. I've noticed over the last year and a half that the best weeks i've had are when i meet with a group of 2 guys i meet with regularly (my 2 best friends whom jsut left..but never mind that..we've covered that one to exhaustion), and we would meet and sit and talk about how we were doing...or just go have a beer and talk, or coffee, play pool, go to the driving range..whatever, but we would just challenge each other to focus on certain area's of our lives. So, one week i decided i didn't want to drink Soda Pop anymore...soft drink, soda, cola..whatever you call it. So i said "i don't want to drink that shit this week." sure enough, that week i had soda 2 times...wait..this isn't working...sure it is becasue both times half way through i realized 'oh wait..im' not supposed to be doing this'...and i would put it down...grab a water...
"this week i really need to just spend some time reading my bible, because i haven't been lately." so i was challenged to read a book of the bible 4 times in a week. I did...now this isn't doing something because im' being told to..it's giving me another reason to do it. If i see no purpose for doing something, and im' not held accountable for the actions in which i'm doing, i am prone to do nothing at all. Challenge makes something worth doing.
encouragement is key, because encouragement lets you know you aren't alone, and lets you know that people are fighting with you..maybe not necessarily on the same thing at the same time...but when you have someone beside you spurring you on to complete a task, or right a wrong etc...it brings life to the fight. Encouragement continues to fuel the initial 'gusto' of doing something.
Connectedness... very basic. Alone we die...together we have a fighting chance. and this ties into the other two C's...or CenC...if you aren't connected....or building relationship, you are oging to have a hard time finding encouragement and challenge.
Encourage yourself, it doesn't work as well as someone coming along side you and doing it. Continue to encourage yourself, but find others that will love you and run beside you, fight with you and hold you up when you feel like falling down, or sit beside you when you've fallen and are hurting.
Challenging yourself is next to impossible. I've tried it week after week after week, and unless you got the will power of an oxe, you'll find yourself falling short of your goals. Find people that will see your goals as valued, that will see your life as worth it and worth fighting for. Your challenge and there's might be to challenge each other, to encourage each other, and to stay connected to each other. Relationships take work, and meaningful relationships will change your life...not just once...but again and again..
i speak from experience because i've found around me people that are willing to die for me, and people i would gladly step into the fire for. Love speaks far beyond the word itself...and this is to you my friends....thank you for loving me...and thank you for fighting for/with me.
I owe you the world time and time again....
Being in a place where you get the opportunity to travel often does away with that feeling inside that if a friend leaves you'll never see them again. I have a really great friend in Seattle...
man i just saw a great motorcycle just drive by....damn..
so my friend..he lives in Seattle, and I met him in Toronto, where I still live. Well there came a time after his year and a half here that he was to move back home. Now when someone you know, specially one of your closest friends, says they are moving across the continent, there is always (if you have a heart...) that air of sadness. You know. "Shit dude, when am i going to see you again?" comes up or, "well, it's been fun...later" (for those of you who are just plain cold).
But I've come to realize that the world just isn't as big as we all thought it was growing up. Yah traveling is expensive, but not beyong reach, specially when you aren't paying for most of it. I've now been out to Seattle twice over the last year and a bit to visit my friend, and have met dozens more people that i absolutely adore out there as well...more reason to travel back.
All that to say that over the last month I've had 2 of my best friends leave my city. One across the country, one on the other side of the world. And yes i've cried, man have i cried. It hits you at a certain point that you are loosing something so special. I'm almost thankful that for some reason none of the manifestations of my emotional state didn't surface till the day before my best friend left. and only a week before my second best friend (uhh..that sounds odd..like i number my best friends...and that's been weird to...i say "yah..loosing my best friend is hard"..and people are liek "i thought ***** was ur best friend"...dude..i'm not tellin' you who your friends are ...just back off...) anyways..
having by far the closest friend you've ever had, a room mate and a confidant moves will just about rip you apart. Literally...rip you apart. And 3 weeks later another best friend of yours, also a confidant of the highest variety...one who's advice has changed your life, who's love has impacted you far more than just the surface of what the majority of people experience in friendship; when friends of that calibor up and leave (not abandon, but move on, to bigger, better, more exciting , next-step adventures) you are faced with the harsh questions of what you do..why you do what you do....and what you're doing in the place you are in.
A pastor, a friend, a confidant, ....these things are not picked lightly, nor is it really in us to 'pick' them in the first place. We are designed to be attracted (not physically dumbass) to people, to qualities, to character and dreams, to the way people handle themselves and the way they treat/respond to us. Jack Canfield (chicken soup for the soul guy) says this "you are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with". now...when 2 / 5 leave, you're asking yourself over and over again, where do i go, who am i, who do i want to be, and what 5 people in this world do i want to be the average of?
my pastor/friend in whom just left pushed me farther than anyone i've known, challenged me deeper than anyone has challenged me, and probably (specially combined with his wife) were the most encouraging people i've had in my life.
Distance means nothing. I still have all the love and all the ......but distance means everything.
ya know you need 14 affectionate touches a day?... bet ya less than 10% of this messed up world gets that.
And it takes 4-7 encouraging/good words to anul 1 bad/unpositive word towards you...1:7...those odds are NOT in our favour. Yet we listen to shit, we take crap on everyday. Who are you around?
Who am i around?
i've been in this situation before...life takes a turn and people leave. I've lost best friends before, i've come through, and found others that my best friend is actually a list of best friends...but there are times when certain ones are closer than others...and at this point my heart is kicked because that list isn't around me...my 5/5 people around me feels like 0/5 around me.
And what i've realized this week, is that it's very damn hard to change when you have nothing to fight for, or even when you just feel like you have nothing to fight for. It's a different subject, but man if it isn't a tought one...that's right..tought..much like tight..but different.
people need constant challenge, encouragement, and connectedness...the 3 C's if you will...i just pulled that out of my butt..i can't stand when people make things like that "10 steps to this..." "4 steps to ...." the ABC's of ...." the *** of ****" whatever..ya know...and actually..now that i look at it..which has completely evaded me until this point..it's actually 2 C's and an E...so very odd...
although i guess i could write it like this...CCenC...and that's sort of like the 3 C's.
anyways...i'm really realizing that people need these things to survive. I've noticed over the last year and a half that the best weeks i've had are when i meet with a group of 2 guys i meet with regularly (my 2 best friends whom jsut left..but never mind that..we've covered that one to exhaustion), and we would meet and sit and talk about how we were doing...or just go have a beer and talk, or coffee, play pool, go to the driving range..whatever, but we would just challenge each other to focus on certain area's of our lives. So, one week i decided i didn't want to drink Soda Pop anymore...soft drink, soda, cola..whatever you call it. So i said "i don't want to drink that shit this week." sure enough, that week i had soda 2 times...wait..this isn't working...sure it is becasue both times half way through i realized 'oh wait..im' not supposed to be doing this'...and i would put it down...grab a water...
"this week i really need to just spend some time reading my bible, because i haven't been lately." so i was challenged to read a book of the bible 4 times in a week. I did...now this isn't doing something because im' being told to..it's giving me another reason to do it. If i see no purpose for doing something, and im' not held accountable for the actions in which i'm doing, i am prone to do nothing at all. Challenge makes something worth doing.
encouragement is key, because encouragement lets you know you aren't alone, and lets you know that people are fighting with you..maybe not necessarily on the same thing at the same time...but when you have someone beside you spurring you on to complete a task, or right a wrong etc...it brings life to the fight. Encouragement continues to fuel the initial 'gusto' of doing something.
Connectedness... very basic. Alone we die...together we have a fighting chance. and this ties into the other two C's...or CenC...if you aren't connected....or building relationship, you are oging to have a hard time finding encouragement and challenge.
Encourage yourself, it doesn't work as well as someone coming along side you and doing it. Continue to encourage yourself, but find others that will love you and run beside you, fight with you and hold you up when you feel like falling down, or sit beside you when you've fallen and are hurting.
Challenging yourself is next to impossible. I've tried it week after week after week, and unless you got the will power of an oxe, you'll find yourself falling short of your goals. Find people that will see your goals as valued, that will see your life as worth it and worth fighting for. Your challenge and there's might be to challenge each other, to encourage each other, and to stay connected to each other. Relationships take work, and meaningful relationships will change your life...not just once...but again and again..
i speak from experience because i've found around me people that are willing to die for me, and people i would gladly step into the fire for. Love speaks far beyond the word itself...and this is to you my friends....thank you for loving me...and thank you for fighting for/with me.
I owe you the world time and time again....
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