Here's a question for you...
Ever feel like just hiding away and crying for a good while?!? And not from just one thing, like "oh she said no, but i like her so much" or "my teacher yelled at me.." etc.. i dunno, whatever things make you sad, but i'm talkin' a little deeper than that, like you feel something in your very core and it's aching. core, i mean the deepest place, the place where you are made up, the part of you that defines everything you are, everything you live by and everything you want to become. Where your dreams are held, where your life holds meaning. And at a point you look inside and doubt almost everything in that spot... You wonder why you are doing what you are doing, wonder why you are where you are, wonder what you should be doing, and really if the best is out there for you. Really all you are holding onto is that God is good. Infact, most people don't even have that to hold on to cause they don't know that. And i guess that's why in all this questioning and this wondering why, this wanting to run away and cry, i still have a sense of peace, i still know that God is good. so many people thing that God is elusive, but it's really just us hiding and eluding Him. A good friend used to say all the time "God doesn't turn His back on me, i'm just stupid and turn my back on Him." ...without calling oneself stupid that's a pretty damn good point. God won't turn His back on me, He loves me to much. Sounds almost cocky doesn't it. But it's revelation of God's love. I don't fully understand it, and some days i'd swear to you all (all zero of you reading this) that God's completely turned His back on me. But like i mentioned the other day, out of nowhere i get a "how are you doing"...and i know that God is looking over me, i know He's got his ever watchful eye on me, out of LOVE, not as a disciplinarian. So rest assured self, God's there beside you, you just need to keep realizing that. If He was out to get you, out to rough you up, He'd of done that a good chunk of time ago, that's for damned sure.
here's another good one... ever spend 3 hours in a Western Union trying to send money to Nigeria?!?! before i could've answered "Nope, and don't ever plan on it". Well if there's anything good about that, i could put it on my resume because that's what i did today. Thanx for coming out, geez. money problems, wrong numbers, bad exchange rates etc.. makes for an incredibly hectic afternoon.
So i walk in with USD, fill a form to send it away, the lady says "can't send US to nigeria, they want canadian, then THEY exchange it" (sleezy way to skim a little off the top using a brutal exchange rate) . So i say, i need xxxxCAD, how much US will that cost me?!? well she gives me a figure higher than the CAD amount i've asked for. I'm like "excuse me?..how is that possible, i know the USD has come down, but we're still not up on them". "i don't understand sir" "IDIOT..." "ok, here's how it works, i have xxxxUSD, i need xxxxCAD, HOW MUCH USD is it going to take to get me the xxxxCAD i need?!?!?!" "ok, just a second..."
i don't have time for the insane amounts of seconds this conversation has allready taken.
so i make the Western Union people sound dumb. Well, not far from that, but they were very nice about the whole ordeal and did help me out with my transaction, so kudos to them right...
ok, i'm out of here...stay tuned for tomorrow when i rant about the idea of a company based on peoples lack of being able to budget. dirty, just dirty...
Thursday, March 31, 2005
Sunday, March 27, 2005
where you been...
so, everyone asks "why you haven't blogged for so long"
well my answer...
sometimes i forget things. you know, like, you start something, and 3 months later someone says "so, how you doing with that", and u're like "oh shit, completely forgot"...
so this blogg is, in alot of ways, like a diet lol...you start a diet, and very shortly after you forget, then you remember, get a day of 'good' in and completely forget the next morning...
It's amazing to see how people run to different things for comfort. No need for specifics, but the staples are obvious. And when i sit down and think about how much BETTER it would be for me to actually just run to God, i wonder why in the hell i even turn to anything else. Then you end up looking back, over the last couple days, the last week, even the last month and beyond and think "God, what waisted time. How much closer could i be to you if i would've turned to you that one time, and the next time." it's like that with so many things isn't it. Addictions, comforts, diets, we try so hard and fail, and then look back and say "man, i'd be so far if only i could've stuck with it through those hard times.
So what do you do when you are in a hard time? well, the correct answer is 'run to God', and the actual answer is "i run away". oh i want to get away from it all, not necessarily run away, and leaving isn't always running away, it's what you do when you get there that defines running or getting away. I left toronto for a few days, i needed to Get away. good thing sometimes. but when i get home i realize all i want to do at home is 'run away'. it's almost an insult thinking that God isn't good enough to take care of my problems and i need to run to something else. whatever it is.
Life is no easy task. Whoever said it would be, was lying through their teeth, and they probably had big gangly narly teeth to begin with. The key to life, and i'm convinced of this, is to live through God. that sounds so cliche' christian crap, i know. but i look over my life experience, and before i ran into God and acknowledged i needed him, life was a hell hole. Then, once i thought i was at a great place with God, cause i knew him, i realized that most of my 'problems' were still right there beside me, so we begin this journey of working through all the hurts, and all the pains and all the disfunctions that are in our feeble little human lives. Forgiving those who have hurt us, asking forgiveness for the things we've done, trying so damn hard to get it right. it's easy to get into the mindset of "if i do it right, i am right, if i do it wrong/bad, i am bad". And God never once said that's how he works. he said "come to me all who are weary and heavy burdened, and I WILL give you rest." The last 3 days that's all that's been flying through my head "I HAVE NO PEACE...I HAVE NO REST"...and what have i done?..well i deffinitely haven't been running to God..until this morning i woke up and thought "i need your peace"...
how do you get it, how do you find the peace of God. well, he says he gives it freely. God is crazy like that, he loves us, for just being us, worst bits and all. I'm having a rough day the other day, i go outside to just relax, have a smoke, and what do i hear "how are you?". I'm like "GOD?!?"...of course i didn't hear this audibly, but it might as well have been. so i was honest, i said "i'm havin' a real rough go at it right now"...His response...simply this "i love you, you know"..
talk about almost breaking me.. God loves us even when we feel like everything is falling around us. He's absolutely amazing. The best way to find peace, is to ask.
wow, i'm preaching to myself lol. guess i better go put this little ditty into practice.
talk to ya later times...
well my answer...
sometimes i forget things. you know, like, you start something, and 3 months later someone says "so, how you doing with that", and u're like "oh shit, completely forgot"...
so this blogg is, in alot of ways, like a diet lol...you start a diet, and very shortly after you forget, then you remember, get a day of 'good' in and completely forget the next morning...
It's amazing to see how people run to different things for comfort. No need for specifics, but the staples are obvious. And when i sit down and think about how much BETTER it would be for me to actually just run to God, i wonder why in the hell i even turn to anything else. Then you end up looking back, over the last couple days, the last week, even the last month and beyond and think "God, what waisted time. How much closer could i be to you if i would've turned to you that one time, and the next time." it's like that with so many things isn't it. Addictions, comforts, diets, we try so hard and fail, and then look back and say "man, i'd be so far if only i could've stuck with it through those hard times.
So what do you do when you are in a hard time? well, the correct answer is 'run to God', and the actual answer is "i run away". oh i want to get away from it all, not necessarily run away, and leaving isn't always running away, it's what you do when you get there that defines running or getting away. I left toronto for a few days, i needed to Get away. good thing sometimes. but when i get home i realize all i want to do at home is 'run away'. it's almost an insult thinking that God isn't good enough to take care of my problems and i need to run to something else. whatever it is.
Life is no easy task. Whoever said it would be, was lying through their teeth, and they probably had big gangly narly teeth to begin with. The key to life, and i'm convinced of this, is to live through God. that sounds so cliche' christian crap, i know. but i look over my life experience, and before i ran into God and acknowledged i needed him, life was a hell hole. Then, once i thought i was at a great place with God, cause i knew him, i realized that most of my 'problems' were still right there beside me, so we begin this journey of working through all the hurts, and all the pains and all the disfunctions that are in our feeble little human lives. Forgiving those who have hurt us, asking forgiveness for the things we've done, trying so damn hard to get it right. it's easy to get into the mindset of "if i do it right, i am right, if i do it wrong/bad, i am bad". And God never once said that's how he works. he said "come to me all who are weary and heavy burdened, and I WILL give you rest." The last 3 days that's all that's been flying through my head "I HAVE NO PEACE...I HAVE NO REST"...and what have i done?..well i deffinitely haven't been running to God..until this morning i woke up and thought "i need your peace"...
how do you get it, how do you find the peace of God. well, he says he gives it freely. God is crazy like that, he loves us, for just being us, worst bits and all. I'm having a rough day the other day, i go outside to just relax, have a smoke, and what do i hear "how are you?". I'm like "GOD?!?"...of course i didn't hear this audibly, but it might as well have been. so i was honest, i said "i'm havin' a real rough go at it right now"...His response...simply this "i love you, you know"..
talk about almost breaking me.. God loves us even when we feel like everything is falling around us. He's absolutely amazing. The best way to find peace, is to ask.
wow, i'm preaching to myself lol. guess i better go put this little ditty into practice.
talk to ya later times...
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