Dreams

Riddle me this. Why is it that when a dream is troubling it sticks with you and plays with your entire emotional system like a freakin bad joke? I mean, i'm ok with the fact that dreams play significant roles in the way our hearts talk to us, in how God talks to us, and how our spirit is effected by the world aorund us and the spiritual forces that would rather see us dead than alive. But, some dreams come and go, they don't do to much to you, they don't even seem important. Yet, every once and a while you have a dream that has your head going in circles all day long and you're lucky if it's only a day... last night was one of those nights, and i'd like to find out who gave me that dream and shoot them in the foot. Or ask them what it means... or at least jsut an explination as to why i would have ethe dream, and why it would have to be now, after everything in the deram no longer applies because the situation has just recently changed (the situation in the dream), and really no longer exists, or at least thats the path forward. I ask why, and wonder what purpose, if any, these dreams serve...

Yet, I continue to ask God for dreams, for revelations and visions in the night, so am i complaining? No, but i am in the mental state of confusion over a dream, yet again...

Soup !!!

Have you ever noticed that when you cook soup, and by ‘cook’ I mean open a can, put it in the oven-top safe pot and warm it on the element, that there’s a certain point that it’s got to be the perfect temperature. Or at least my guess is that there’s a certain point of ‘perfect temperature’, BUT I don’t know if I’ve ever found that point in my soup. You either haven’t left it on there long enough, or it’s warm, but not fully cooked (if ya know what I mean) OR, you’ve left it on there to long, and you have to let it sit to ‘cool down’. So something you need to heat up, you need to let cool down. Oh sure you could say, “but Rob, that happens with everything you cook”…and I say, “yes, but why soup?!? It is supposed to be one of the simple things to cook, especially cause you don’t actually cook it… now I’ve got issues with Cambell’s…man

pass me another...

...addiction that is.

What's the purpose in giving something up?  It's to be free of it, to be released from it's grasp, correct?

I've realized a few things over the last few weeks as I've struggled to keep afloat in certain areas of my life.  And by 'stay afloat' I really mean fail horribly, yet, through grace and forgiveness I'm going to pick myself up and keep going.

What have I learned?  Well, there's a few important things, and a few grousome things to be sure.  And as I begin to type, my hope is simply that I see hope beyond where I was, where I am, and where I hope to be.

1 - Addiction is gripping, and it costs you more than you see on the outside.  Over the last 4 weeks I believe I lost a part of my brain and picked up a cigarette.  Why did I do this?  Well, I gave myself an excuse 6 weeks ago while on vacation that I could go ahead and enjoy a cigarette with a beer.  Are either wrong?  Beer = no.  Cigarettes = Yes, a big fat YES.  Why are cigarettes wrong?  Not because I think cigarettes are fundamentally wrong, or even a sin, but for me, you see, after hearing directly from God that He did not want me to smoke, that He had protected me for the many years I had been smoking, and put it before me like this, "If obedience brings such blessing, how much terror do you think disobedience brings?"
Quite frankly this woke me up.  It didn't scare the shit out of me, it didn't give me crazy fears of "oh man, what might happen if i kept smoking..." I simply new that I was not supposed to smoke anymore.  I didn't want to, I took the cigarette currently in my hand and threw it overboard (on a cruise boat) and I bent the crap out of the pack of smokes in my pocket and threw them into a garbage can.
I was free, I had never been so free of cigarettes.  Cravings?  nope, oh sure occassionally i thought it might be nice to have a smoke.  But instantly i felt free, I didn't feel the need, physically or escapingly to have a smoke (excapingly is a word we will come back to, real or not real, it's going to be used in this post).
So, why 6 weeks ago did I give myself permission to have a cigarette?  Well, I decided, after 5 months of not having any cigarette or cigar of any kind that it was ok to allow myself to enjoy a cigar.  Why?  well, I convince myself that I like cigars, when I don't like cigars nearly as much as i like having a cigarette.  Well, sitting there having a cigar, while a friend of mine was sitting beside me having a cigarette, made me want one thing... NOT the cigar in my hand, but the cigarette in his.  So I said the following, "hey, can i have a smoke?"
"No..."  (good job friend, i asked you to say no and you did...)
but of course as a good friend often does when persistent buggers like myself continue on, eventually give into the request.
so, i rationalized, "Just one, I just want to have one..."
ya know the weird thing?  It didn't even taste good, i didn't really enjoy it.  But instead of just having that 'one' i said i 'wanted' i persisted and had another, well gaw-lee that one tasted just a little bit better.
wanna know something else? the third one tasted great.  And for 4 days I gave myself permission to smoke, and said "when i get back no more..."
sure enough, I stuck to my word, until about 7 days later when we were out for a beer and I thought "it'd be nice to have a smoke with this beer."  well, now i had a easy convince for it in my head "i had smokes for 4 days and haven't craved one since, and i don't 'need' one, i just want one."  so, again i gave in to what i thought for sure i wanted.
don't get me wrong, I dont' think i was out-right turning my back on God doing this, I didn't think for one moment "God i don't need you i want cigarettes instead".  this never even occured to me.  What occured to me was, "i like smoking".  but that's not the point my friends, smoking isn't the point.  It's the fact that there are many things in life that are 'enjoyable for a season, and bring death in the end' - and smoking is one of the more obvious ones.
So i continue to give little excuses, 4 days after my little beer + smoke incident, i find myself again sitting with a beer.  What do i do this time?  well, it's now become an instant tradition that I can enjoy a cigarette while i enjoy a beer and i'll be fine, i don't need to have one tomorrow.
A few days after that i'm sitting have a coca-cola classic, nothing like a beer, yet, i have a cigarette in my hand.

what am i getting at?  This isn't just an enjoyable story, because quite frankly no one in the world wants to hear about how i've been smoking for the last month, it's a boring story.  but suddenly about 3 weeks ago i find myself with a pack of smokes in my pocket, yet the entire time when someone asks me if i'm 'smoking again' i simply state, "no, i'm just having a smoke".  Well, I don't know waht the definition of 'smoking' is, but im' pretty sure whatever it is, i've been doing it for the last month.

And i find myself to today, the day i've promised myself and God that I would once again give up smoking, because quite frankly, smokes and my voice don't go well together, so I don't want to smoke, it tastes bad, it smells bad, it makes me hide and feel insecure and yet it's so enjoyable and i feel like i'm missing something when i'm not smoking.
But, as i said, i've promised myself and God today is the day.
15 minutes ago I had the last cigarette in the pack on my table.  I'm done, that was the last one.  I smoked that thing as much as i could. got ever last drop of whatever toxins are in there into my body.  Ya know what happened when i was done?  I realized i wanted another one RIGHT AWAY.

so, back to the top. the intro... "pass me another... " "...addiction that is."
why do i say that?

Well, quite a long time ago I realized I needed to get rid of my internet.  Enter addiction #2 (we'll call cigarettes addiction #1 for the sake of giving it a number, not because any of these things is more important or worse than the other, the all damage and kill in different yet very similar ways).
Addiction #2, hours and hours spent on the internet doing nothing but getting myself into trouble.  Doing nothing but ending up place i shouldn't, chat rooms I should be in, conversations I should never have had, and tears cried I should never needed to cry.

wanna talk timelines, it's an addiction i've had since i was 13 years old, and quite frankly i've had prayer a million times to break it, i've cursed it to high heaven and left it on the side of the road dead many a time.  Yet it's snuck it's way back into my life time and time again.  It's a thorn dug deep into my side that's become infected and was killing me slowly.

i'll be flat out honest, the addiction to conversation, to pornography, to masturbation, to changing my identity and outright lying about who i was...all of these things were killing me.
I've become increasingly angry with how pornography and especially the stream of what is called 'cyber sex' and the increasing verbal pornography found on the internet.  I'm angry with how it warps the minds of people, how people are given the opportunity to hide who they are and become what they think people want, to flaunt the area's of themselves they are ok with and hide the area's they are ashamed of.
For someone who's been forever ashamed of who they are for as long as i can remember, this was the perfect playground for me to roam in.  I found comfort in the fact that there was always someone to talk to, I found comfort in the fact that almost always there would be someone who would want to talk about anything I wanted to talk about, and of course the fact that they were women was exactly what my heart was looking for.
stuck for years in this thing I've realized that it was like any other addiction, used for the purpose of escape.  I've had my share of addictions: video games, tv, internet, cigarettes, etc... it's all the same thing.  It's the same thing because the purpose of it is simply for you to not turn to God, and to turn to something else.

so, a while ago I know in my heart i'm needing to get rid of the internet in my home, because if it's there, the temptation is to hard to resist.  I think as positive as i can, and think best i can to be free of this, i pray and i intercede, but ontop of all of this, we need to pursue freedom in the most practical of ways sometimes.
"Faith without works is dead"... I had faith, i have for a long time, I knew I could conquer this thing because Jesus died for my sin, for the addiction to be broken, and continually the holy Spirit is interceeding for my freedom, for my release and for me to be closer to the Father.  But the works side wasn't right.  I needed to get rid of what's infront of me that's causing me to sin.
"if your eye causes you to sin..."
well, i wasn't about to pluck my eye out was I? but what was causing me to sin was the internet in my home and it being readily available.
3 weeks ago I axed the internet in my home.
3 weeks ago I realized I had a pack of cigarettes in my pocket.

coincidence?  Some might say, I do not.  I realized very quickly that one addiction had taken the place of another one.  Not because i wanted to smoke so badly, but because it was feeding a place in my heart I didn't feel was being filled.  The place of acceptance.
Whether I'm around smokers, or around people that think it's 'cool' (which has got to be absolutely no one these days, or at least no one my age and older) I've always thought that smoking made me that added kewl, or maybe just badass enough that people would notice me.  or maybe that's it right there....please, someone notice me.

So, that again brings me to today, where since I canned my internet I obviously haven't looked at internet porn, or been in chat rooms, but I also haven't really thought about any of it... I've been free from all that list of things I was rhyming off earlier, and because i don't have internet, I've been reading... which it was taking away from.
but because I've been smoking I knew that i had simply traded one thing for another and needed to be free of the other visible sin.
see, ignorance is bliss, by this i mean, if i don't see the sin, i can't do much about it.  I need to ask the holy Spirit to come and reveal the hidden area's of my heart where sin is dormant, or at work in area's i haven't realized yet.  But what about the sin that is blatently evident in my life.  whether it be open like smoking, or hidden from the world like my tragic addiction to chat rooms and the like.

I'm free.  And i have no problem saying that because I have to say it.  My freedom was paid in full on calvary, when Jesus gave up His life for me, and for you, our sin was loosed from our lives, it was broken, the chains have no right to be on our lives, unless we give them right.

Joyce Meyers writes, "negative thinking produces negativity in our lives"  "positive thinking produces negative outcomes"... Am i Lying to myself in saying that I'm free?  Absolutely NOT, I'm telling myself the truth that Jesus died for my sins, that when I ask for freedom and repent from my sins, come to the foot of the cross and ask my saviour to yet again save me from a life that was killing me, he is faithful and just to forgive those sins, and to wipe away all unrighteousness.

So, I finished that last cigarette, and I know i was wrong for giving a timeline for this, I have no excuse for it, but I finished tha smoke and turned to God and said that very thing, I shouldn't have said "give me till monday"....i shouldn't have given myself excuses, becasue excuses are just the fleshes way of getting what the devil wants in our lives.  So, i gave place to sin for the last 3 weeks, knowing full well i shouldn't.
Today is the day I deal with this sin.  And instead of beating myself up about going this long, I will stand and thank God for setting me free, for bring the realization into my life that He did on the cruise when i stood there and knew what he was asking of me.  Today I stand and realize what the Lord has for me, it's a life of freedom, it's a life of walking out my freedom.

It's an odd thing, and the reason i started writing this post was because of this thought.
I got home from camping this morning, and this afternoon was the first time since i gave up the internet that i've had a craving for the sin i was taking part in before.  interesting that it coincides with the same day I'm giving up the addiction i noticed was taking it's place.

Addiction for the sake of addiction.... the result is the same, it pulls us from God, it brings us into a life of disobedience, it causes us to turn the hearing towards God down, and turn the volume of our selfish desires up.  It pulls us from God, and puts us in the corner where we open doors to our lives that the enemy can walk through and wreck havoc on our lives.
So, today, if you're reading this, and i wonder why anyone would read this far into this post cause it's really just my mind processing what i've seen.
but please, if you see addiction in your life, ask God to set you free, if you know that he's set you free already in the past, then stand on that freedom, don't let the enemy have a foothold on your life.  Stand in who you are, you are the king of king's, you are a son of the Father, the creator of the universe.  He's called you from darkness into Light, He's called you out of the sin that held you down and called you into his purpose and destiny.

I know the plans i have for you says the Lord, plans to prospur you, plans to give you a future and a hope.

Hope is what you need to hold onto.  The Lord God almight, the Hope of Glory.
begin to dream, begin to see yourself as free.

When i sat there having that 'last cigarette', i instantly wanted to masturbate, i wanted to hide and go into a chat room and lye about who i am, and hide behind a computer screen, and i wanted another cigarette already, I JUST FINISHED.....

but that's NOT my hope, My hope is in the one who saved me, the one who set me free.
A year ago i stood on a platform and told 3 thousand people that God set me free from the addiction to Chat rooms, set me free from having a duel identity.  Was i Lying?  NO, i was speaking the truth, and it's time to speak the truth and live in the truth again.

come with me on this journey, come with me as we embark on this journey of truth and life.

the truth will set you free.  I am set free because of the truth...

The ultimate truth:       Jesus died for my sins and his death has set me free.
this brings more truth: Jesus spoke into my identity, the truth of who i am.

and all of things brings more truth.  We need to start standing on the truth that God is giving us, and continues to give us.  His truth is the truth whether you believe it or not.

God's truth is the truth whether you believe it or not.

I am free, I do NOT need cigarettes, the bodily addiction to nicotene will be broken in the next 72 hours, and because I have the Holy Spirit inside of me I need not be addicted to this in my body, because He is the healer, Jesus died to heal me, so I call forth the natural levels of nicotene to level out in my body, that there would be ZERO cravings in my body for the toxins that a cigarette contains.  I speak to my body now and say, "even out levels" and i speak to the toxins inside my body and i say "Be gone, let the power of the holy Spirit cleanse my body and remove any harmful toxins, any harmful bacteria that shouldn't be there, disease and pain i tell you to leave right now in the name of Jesus."
To my heart i speak the truth:
"you are loved, you are designed and created in the image of your heavenly Father"
"you are beautiful, you are lovely, you deserve to have hope and deserve to be blessed, because you are a child of God."
"You are worthy of love, and your heavenly Father, your Saviour and the Holy Spirit are madly in love with you."

I am a beautiful creation, created in the image of God, this is the truth, whether i believe it or not, and I tell the lies, to be silent right now.  No longer will i give into the lies of not beleiving who i am, but i will stand up and cry as hard as i can and as loud and long as i can that I am Robert Moses Augi, created to be a son of God, created to live in perfect harmony with Him and to live out the destiny and purpose He has for my life...

And I am loved, I am called to be a son, I am called to be a lover and a companion of Jesus Christ.  I will live all my days for you my Lord, draw me closer to your heart, draw me closer to who you are and continue to help me look to you.  Holy spirit, silence the lies in my mind, bring confidence and peace through the truth of who i am.  Give me peace and comfort as I step into the truth, and help me believe it.  Help me believe who You have called me to be, help me rely on you, your strength, in your joy I will find my strength.  In my weakness you will be my strength and power.

I thank you for freedom God, I thank you that you continually pull me into freedom, that you are wanting to set your children free more and more as we get closer to you, and Lord I'm asking that you would use this life you've given me to help your children be set free, and for those who do not realize they are your children yet to find you as their father...

To you be all the Glory, all the honour, all the power and all the praise, in this life, and in this earth....you are great....and i love you,

and here it is

love is a stong as death...
don't you think there's more to life? something more than duty and death?

why be capable of feelings if we're not meant to have them....why long for things if they're not meant to be ours?

my heart...bear before my king...before my lover...

I'm tired of coming home to an empty home...
I'm tired of going to bed with an empty soul...
I'm tired of feeling so lonely and wretched...
I'm tired of feeling so fearful and scared...

When does love show it's face?
When does love reach out it's hand?
When will I feel your touch on my shoulder?
When will you come to me, and rescue my heart?

For in despair i feel the cold touch of fear...
For in lonelinenss I wonder at eternity,
Will I feel this way forever?
Will I taste of love so sweet?
Will I run through fields of colour?
Will I fall before your feet?

It's in your eternal hands i find myself.
Begging for grace and mercy for my soul.
It's in your heart i see true love and peace
Struggling to hold on to the things i see.

You've come from far, and held my hand,
You've come from heaven and touched my soul,
Yet in this moment i fear the worst,
To be alone for a moment would kill me...
Would bring me down to the deepest of terrors,
Would shatter my heart and my soul to pieces,
Would be to much to handle, to much to bear
Would all in all, break my heart this night.

So, i come to your chamber,
I come to your feet,
I come to the foot of your bed where you sleep,

I've come to ask forgiveness,
I've come to say im' sorry,
I've come to repent for all i've done,
And hope to feel your Glory.

I've sat in silence for far to long,
I've sat in depression for years on end,
I've stood in loneliness that my heart can't bear,
I've fallen to the ground; sad, broken, and crowned.

You lift me up, You sustain me still,
Yet my heart cries out, and understands so little.
All within me cries for more,
And everything around me screams in pain.

I've lifted my eyes, once again,
I've lifted my ears to hear your voice,
Please come to me
Please hear my cry
Please see my face
Please touch my eyes,
Please let me see
Please let me hear
Please bring me peace
...as i drink this beer.

In all the darkness of the world, there is one that's peace bring silence so still. I've felt this peace, I've felt Your hand, I've come to love Your word and heart. So bring me peace oh Lord yet again, Please bring me hope for this weary heart. My head hangs low, my heart is heavy. My peace is gone and my strength is weary.... In all i am, and all i hope to be, my question to you is ... "Please set me free..."
Sin has gripped me
Pain has torn me
Hate has filled me
and Rain falls on me,

My heart is cold and dry and broken,
My life is old and cracked and smoked...

I cry a tear, for this love so dear,
I wait for your hand, to come heal my heart.
I wait for you love, to show me the land,
the land that is promised, the land that is plenty,
the land that is due to bring me my bounty.
The land that You've built, the land that You've nurtured,
All for this one heart, all for this one life.

To walk into promise,
To walk into hope,
To stand in your presence,
and taste of your greatness.

To fall at your feet,
To break in your love,
To lift up my hands
For the truest of Loves.

I come to you now,
I come to your thrown,
Please forgive me for sins,
Even ones that'ar unknown

bring healing to my heart,
bring restoration here,
bring health ot my body,
bring peace to my soul.
all that i am and all that i've been, i commit to you now, from now to the end. I know i will fail and i konw i will curse, but in times of my trouble, i feel you so close. So, bring to me healing, and bring to me faith, for in all of my life, i want to bring you all praise. I need you right now, and for ever i will, need your presence and love, to fill all of my being. Please come and sit near me, please come and hold close, to my heart i will ask you to put the Holy Ghost.

As night goes on steady,
As day comes so early,
I will lift up my voice and my hands to You only,

For thine is the Kingdom, the Power and Glory,
Forever and ever, and ever Amen...

Saviour, Lead me on...

And suddenly I’m filled with the urgency to get a pen and paper, or at least open a word processor…

Where to go.

The sky is cloudy, the distant horizon dark with shades of orange and red…Oh the glory and splendor of the night sky. Yet, It feels cold. Oh why again am I in this place. How could my focus have become so skewed that I’m now staring at the ground wondering how my foot got stuck in this mud.

I look around me. I’m on the edge of a forest, it’s dark, it’s getting darker too. It’s cold, the mud around my ankle holds on like an iron grip, its cold, wet, gross textured hand creeping up my leg. I feel it wrap around my ankle and stumble as my knee gives way to its hold. I fear the sin that’s gripped my life. Why? Because it’s cold and it breaks me down, because it’s invaded my very soul and I don’t remember giving it permission to do so. “Damn you for not listening to the truth…” I scold myself.

I stop struggling. I wonder how I didn’t even see this hole of mud, this sinkhole waiting to capture me. I then remember that all these things boil down to a single thing. Choices. What choice did I make. Well, last thing I remember was that I was walking down the path of life, it was a bright and shining day, it was glorious. My saviour in sight, my King on the throne. And something caught my eye. It was only a glimpse, a fragment of something I thought I’d tasted before, something I thought I’d enjoyed before. And then it happened, I made that fated choice to step off the trail. It’s not a wide trail you see, it’s very small, it’s very narrow. One would even wonder how you would stay on this trail. You would think, it being the good trail, the marked road to a life more glorious than one could imagine, it would be plainly marked and have huge signs and lights or something. But very simple this path is, very plain. I wonder what attracted me to this path in the first place. It’s not a fun path.

Oh my goodness…remember that day my lover came, and saved me from that sinkhole of mud I was stuck in?!? I do, I remember that day as clear as the crystal sea he took me to, to clean the dirt off my feet, my knees, and my hands as I fell and face-planted into the grime before me. He saved me, He rescued me. Not only did he clean me, but it was the best day of my life. In fact, I don’t even remember how long that was, but he led me, led me into the most beautiful place, it was along that trail. The one that isn’t marked well, the one that isn’t fully cleared. I even remember asking him why it wasn’t such a well marked path. His answer intrigued me.

“The ones I lead down this path are few and far between. It’s hard to find someone who wants to adventure these days. I’ve been longing for as long as I can remember to have adventures with those I love. But this path is hidden from those who are looking for the easy road, this path is hidden from those who want to ride along and skip the adventure and just get to the prize.”

“But my Lord, don’t you want people to find this path, and surely you want people to get to the Kingdom?”

“Of course, but to make them do it would be wrong, don’t you see?”

I kind of stirred, it was interesting the way he put that. Making someone find happiness being wrong, it didn’t make sense.

He continued, “if you wanted something, something that would hurt you, but I didn’t tell you about the better choice, the one that would save you and give you more life, I made you take it instead, would you trust me? Would you want to stay with me? If I made you do everything. Does that sound like love?”

“Well,” I stammered, “no I guess, but I just think that if you love someone you would help them at any cost, wouldn’t you?”

“How can I help you if you don’t want it?”

“But surely I would want your help wouldn’t I, and I’m sure others do as well?”

“Remember not to long ago you were walking along my path, and you caught a glimpse of something shiny, it looked nice, but you didn’t know what it was, and when you reached out for it, instead of grabbing hold of it, it grabbed hold of you, and pulled you into the mud and grime that left you stuck for so long?”

“Yes of course, you came and rescued me…”

“You called out for me. You didn’t know what you were even calling for, but you asked for a saviour, you asked to be saved.”

“Is that all it takes?”

“Yes”

“That sounds easy”

“It is, but many don’t do that. They live on thinking they can handle it. Most don’t even realize they are stuck, most don’t see what they are in. Most are so used to the darkness around them, that light seems hurtful, seems painful. When I come close, they cringe because the darkness in them screams the most horrible shrill cry you’ve ever heard, but that darkness is all they know…”

“What can we do Lord?”, I asked.

“Don’t you see this is why I can’t make people change, I can’t make people accept me. It must be a choice. But, they don’t want to change, they don’t see what they are in. They think they know how to run their own lives.”

“how do you bring them in?”

“a small whisper, a gentle touch. A nudge that defines who I am in all my simplicity. A loving carress that leaves the heart longing for more because it’s a simple taste of the goodness and wholeness that I carry. The realization that life is missing something. Remember when that happened to you?”

“Oh yes, like it was yesterday. It was such a horrible time. I couldn’t even see clearly, I had that tumour on the side of my head. Or whatever it was, a lump of some sort. I felt so empty, so destitute. I was addicted to video games, I was playing more games than I had time. My life was a wreck. When I was alone at night, in the dark, everything I saw was a means to an end, it was either something to cover the pain, make it go away, or it was a choice to end it all, take my own life.”

“Do you remember what stopped you?”

“of course, that choice to end my life was always seconded by the thought of my brother crying…my mother and father and sister’s hearts breaking…”

“That was my nudge, my gentle way of letting you know there was hope, letting you know that there was love in this world for you. You weren’t ready to experience my love. And at that time I couldn’t make you come around, I couldn’t make things better when you didn’t ask. And then what happened?”

Suddenly I was reminded of standing in front of my school, my high school. I was standing there, feeling the lump on the side of my head, waiting to go to another day of work that got me nowhere, holding a cigarette in my hand, which seemed like the only thing that calmed me down. It was my moment of sanity from an otherwise horrible life. And I looked up at the sky, a tear dripped down my face and I cried, I cried so hard, and I screamed. I don’t remember if I saw anyone around me, I just screamed, I yelled up at the sky, asking for God to do something, do something please, because this life will kill me. What is going on? What is happening, I can’t believe my own life…

“That was the moment I was able to move in and give guidance towards your live. All your life up until that point was striving, was trying to make something happen. You would go to conferences, and come home, determined to live a life of change, determined to read and go to church and all the things you thought were right. Yet, what you missed was relationship. No one had ever told you I wanted to be your friend. Just that I was your God and you needed to live for me…”

Sitting by this calm sea of glass we were looking out over I cried, I crumpled down and cried at the feet of my Lord. He lifted my head and put it on his lap. I lay there, motionless, letting my heart cry out, letting my soul split open with the need of a saviour once again.

“How can I ever please you?”

was all I could think to say, I couldn’t get this detrimental attitude out of my head, I couldn’t figure out how I would ever end up not completely disowning my God and breaking His heart again…

“How can I do what’s right, I’m such a failure. I have more problem in my heart than I know what to do with. I can’t live for you, I can’t carry your sword, I can’t free your people…”

He wrapped his arms around me and held me close. He didn’t even say a word. He just held me close as my eyes poured out my hearts deepest fears. Then I felt a tear fall on my neck. It wasn’t my tear…it was a tear from the eye of my Lover, My saviour. He sat there, holding me close to his chest, sobbing as His tears rolled down my neck. I’d never felt such calm…such peace. I had never felt such love from a drop on my neck. It seemed with those tears my pain was being washed away.

I suddenly was saw blood. All I could see was blood, and I realized what I was seeing in my minds eye, my Saviour on a cross, crying, dripping with blood. The blood poured from His side, His hands, His feet. The tears flooded out of his hurting, broken eyes as he hung there, his life giving in to death. Oh I cried. To bear sight of that awful situation, yet to see the salvation as it hung there before me. As I saw the tears and blood fall from my Lord, I saw them intertwine as they ran down the cross onto the ground.

At that moment I rubbed my neck and saw blood and tears on my hand, and I suddenly realized I was lying underneath the foot of the cross, the tears and blood that flowed out of Christ washing over me. And all I could feel was life, as my sin was washed away, washed from my life, as it stuck to His.

As my pain was washed away, and my heart was strengthened, as my heart was mended and my body was encouraged to stand, I found myself once again under that tree, with my Saviour.

Looking me in the eye He said, “May I lead you on the most incredible adventure you’ve ever known?”

I took his hand and he led me on, down that path, down that barely marked, dirt covered path we walked. Joy filled my heart, the sun rose with power and strength, and my life seemed new.

I remembered that moment as I looked down and wondered why I was stuck in mud again. On that path I live in love, I live in life. Yet, so many times I’ve been fooled by something shiny off to the side of the trail. Something that intrigues me, and I seldom know what it even is, but it’s shiny, and so I reach out, and again, I’m stuck, again I’m dragged down into the mire and dirt of a life of sin.

“GOD THAT YOUR TEARS AND BLOOD WOULD WASH ME AGAIN!!!!!”, I cry out. I lean forward, strength comes over me and I feel sweat on my brow. I wipe it off and look at my hand, I see blood, and I see tears.

I hear a small voice inside of me speak out, “I have not left you, I have not forsaken you. For I am right here with you, right beside you, right behind you, right infront of you, all around you and most importantly, inside of you. My life I poured into you on that day, on that day you accepted me, on that day you chose to believe. Let today be the day that you rise up, that you feel my life inside of you. Let today be the day that you recognize what is inside of you. That sin does not have a hold on your life. That sin has invaded an area that it does not belong in, that it has tried to tread ground on a place it is not allowed. Stand my son, Rise and shine for the Glory of God is on you. Rise and shine for the time has come for you to realize life and life to the fullest. I have not called you for a time such as this, but for this time, this very time, this moment, to rise, to stand tall and straight. To be the mighty man of valour you are called to be. Time to be the strong and true warrior that you are destined to walk this earth as. The Kingdom of God stands behind you, the decree of the Lord before you, and the power of the King inside of you. Grab your sword, grab your shield, hold strong to the armour you wear, hold fast to the truth you possess and lean heavy into the teachings of your King, the way of the warrior. The time of the warrior is at hand, the time of the victorious one is here. The demonstration of the power of God will no longer be silent. The hand of God is not still, but it moves to and fro over the face of the earth, enacting His plan, bringing forth His decree.”

“Go out and free those you see. Go out and take the hand of your neighbor, take the hand of your son, your daughter, your mother, your brother, take the hand of the hurting widow, the broken and destitute, the sad and lonely, take the hand of those you see and lead them, lead them into the promised land…"

such a wretched being...

So, i've really been thinking about the heart lately.
It's desire not to be alone, but to have a companion, the desire to have someone that is closer than anyone else. That simple, rudimentary part of a person's being that knows they just don't want to, nor should they be alone in this life.

Oh sure it hits two levels. We were built to desire and crave a God that is the only being able to fill a gap in our hearts, our lives. This I know. And this i've asked, that the Lord would fill that gap. But there is this other gap (oh, and now that i write that, i gotta get asking that one again, and keep asking everyday, and every moment of everyday that God would fill the gaping holes we have in our lives without Him...), but this other gap, the one longing for a soul-mate, if i can use those 2 words.
it's an interesting way to say it. Soul-Mate. Yes she would be my mate, yet, it's so much more than just what you see, what you feel, it's so 'soul' based.
Spectator 103.45 says, "bubububuuut Robert, How on earth do you know, you've never had a girlfriend, let alone a souououl-mate"... (yes, specator 103.45 has a stutter..don't laugh, i had a lisp when i was a child)...
well my silly little stuttering compadre, i know this simply because it is my soul that cries out for this. Not just my body, or my mind even...but there is a part deep inside of me, that recognizes it is missing something.

This doesn't boarder obsession, it's not even close, it's just the constant knowing that there is something out there, some"ONE" out there that will make this life seem more alive, that in our relationship, our union, there i will be even closer to God, that there is a promise from our God that is yet unfinished....many, sure, but this is one that hits home.
Everyday i have not a companion on this earth, is one less day on this earth i will experience the fullness of God's creation. The woman, a beautiful, mystical, mysterious and lovely being, everything one could desire, no mistakes about it, when God created man, he held off because he knew the second batch is always a better one... (im' sorry ladies and gentlemen for very simply relating the entire human race to a batch of cookies).

"It is not good for the man to be alone..."

ever wonder if God looks at you and says that? and begins to, in his crafty, wonderfully sneaky way work about His promises towards us, that He would, in His perfect timing bring alone this wonderful, perfect and lovely being that requires your whole love, yet, you'd gladly lay it down before her. That one that shatters that statement "It is not good for the man to be alone..." *SMASH*....gone...
if it is NOT good for the man to be alone..then it must be GOOD for the man to have someone..
Every Good and Perfect Gift comes from the Lord.

makes me wonder why Paul degraded such an incredible union to a solutions for low 'self control'...

God: "Be Fruitful and Mulitply"
Paul: "I say to the unmarried and to widows that it is good for them if they remain even as I."

Sorry Paul, you absolutely NAILED it on that whole 'armour of God' thing in Ephesians (if in fact you wrote Ephesians...), but i'm going to have to go with God on this one.

So, it's settled, once i get over those remaining 7500 issues i have dealing with women, relationships, self worth and intimacy, i'll be ready for a wife. I know, I don't actively speak issues over my life....i just recognize that i have a ways to go in my walk of healing and freedom. But it's a walk that is uphill, challenging, and i have a Loving father that takes my hand and leads the way...so no, i do NOT have 7500 relationship issues, but i do also not have this thing figured out, and my heart, as amazing as it is, continues to need healing...so i ask, i ask you to heal me Father...

simple really.

Today's prayer (feel free to pray along if you find yourself alone and single and wondering what on earth i've just talked about...also, if you're married and happy, you better say a prayer for me, cause if you just say something like "nice blog"..i'll slap ya for rubbing your marriage status in my face ;).... just kidding..)

"God, You know the 2 areas of my heart, my life that are still remaining empty. The area of my life that needs You, and the part that is longing for the companion you desire me to have. The part of my heart that is missing You, You have been faithful and good to fill time and time again, but everytime i look at it, that canyon becomes larger and deeper, needing to be filled sovereignly again, needing to feel your love, your acceptance and your compassion over my life again. You have proved yourself faithful, loving and true, and I ask only that you would continue to draw me closer to Your heart, closer to the very place I find life. I need you more and more and more than I ever thought i would. Please be gracious and merciful, and fine me where i am, in my sin, in my disgust, in my shame and guilt, in all the dirt and grime that clings to me still. Let your loving presence and the blood that was Shed wash me clean. My Saviour, my King, My comfortor and my Lord, come again and fill me with your love. And to this second area of my heart. I can only assume when you say "I have plans to prosper you..." that this is included from the time you long ago said it was not good for man to be alone. It is still, not good for man to be alone. I need you not to put me to sleep and take my rib, but that you would bring along that perfect companion, who not quite as beautiful as you, will be the most beautiful woman this this poor young man has ever known. And give signs, and give nudges and give words to my ear that I can give heed to the promise set out before me.
God, you built me for relationship. Relationship with you, and relationship with your sons and daughters on this earth. And with every breath i want to honour that, teach me to Love, true love, true kindness and patience and mercy and acceptance and all the things you define Love as being, in the simple truth that YOU ARE LOVE.
I'm asking for your will Father, Your will be done in my life, your kingdom come in my life, here on earth, as you've already designed for it to take place in heaven.
LET YOUR KINGDOM COME..."

i love you...

Robert M. Augi

i think...

i think i've realized something.

sometimes i get really nervous if i'm supposed to lead worship. and i think i just realized why it is that i get really nervous sometimes.... it's because it's a team sport..
and when you're playing with a team that you don't know, or that you think doesn't want to be there, or that you aren't used to playing with...it leaves something, that is all about the heart, a very precarious, worrisome event.

like...if i ask someone to play with me, and they have to see if they can fit it in their schedule, not if they can make it happen, but if they can 'fit it in'...then it's really not all that encouraging...
questions like "do you really need someone"...or "if you can find someone else that'd be great"..

i don't know....it's aded stress i just don't want right now...that's the long and short of it...
when, this shouldn't even be a stress thing...
i could stand up there by myself and do it... but who really likes to play alone...

It's not even about trying to find people...it's about finding people that have the same heart, that connect, that want to grow in it, not just suffer through it... do i smell funny?!?

strain on the muscles....soooo goood/bad...good...i don't know

after a full week of not having been able to get to the gym, i finally got there last night. did my full circuit routine and walked out feeling so nice.
i don't know if this has ever happ....wait..i KNOW this has never happened to me.. that i actually 'want' to go to the gym, that i enjoy it, that it's something that's not only part of my day, but an enjoyable part of my day, and my day just don't feel complete without it. how's that for a mystery huh?

onto the other troubling bit of information. i've been sick for almost 2 weeks...again, it feels like i have been nothing but sick this year. i'm really looking forward to a moment of health...
yesterday was decent...and then today, right now, i'm feeling much worse..
i was feeling good this morning, throat hurt a very small amount...but now, i'm back to being in much pain just from swallowing....no, not vania swallowing...
oops..

anyways...

and then...

And then it hits me...

i'm still so lonely, searching, looking, longing for that friend that I don't fully know.
I realize this as i sit here and my heart, yes, my heart, as retarded as that sounds, is begging and crying out to play video games... i know what you're thinking "Video Games?!?! Rob, that's just pizza, or something"...but the truth is friends, i haven't had pizza in weeks.
Video Games, because the types of Video Games i played were MMORPG...Massively Multi-player Online Role Playing Games. Meaning, You play with thousands of people, you have a common goal, no one really knows who you are because you are a character in a game, meaning, you can be anything you want, or at least, what really is seen is your 'character', your personality if you will. Well, to be honest, i really love my personality, i think i'm a funny, lovable, enjoyable guy, however, i really don't like who i am physically (i'm working on it, and in fact, i was in a place where i gave my testimony as to when God actually told me "hey, you are beautiful..." and it really hit me again that what i look like doesn't matter, that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and who holds the whole world in His hands?...our God, so i guess he's the beholder of all huh?)
anyways. It's much easier to hide than to teach yourself the truth....and so this longing, this really deep longing to hide, to disapear into a character that conquers worlds, that kills the beast that everyone loves and wants to be around...sounds really really apetizing right now...
Thankfully i cancelled that subscription....

see, these games conquer two parts of your heart, and that's why they are so addictive. You get to hide, be someone else, be something that is kewl, something that is powerful, something that is straight up Baddass...AND, it feeds that desire for power, it feeds that desire to conquer, to reign, and of course most of these games have a very spiritual aspect to them, (or at least the ones i played do) and so you are left with this need to have spiritual power, without the 'reading and praying part'...all you need to do is complete a quest by killing some dragons, or goblins, or ghosts and you get a new spell, that will burn with a fire of your gods and iluminate your way and burn the infernal enemies that stand before you....

yes, i know it sounds so exciting doesn't it?...in fact...a good friend of mine used to ask me why i didn't read the bible, and instead i read the devil-book....now, he's laughing as he reads this, and the rest of you (all 1 of you that read this site) have absolutely no idea what i'm talking about...
but friend, i'll have you know, i haven't read the devil book in a long time, yet, i did read my bible this morning...

so, i'm left with this desire to fight, to conquer, but mostly, i'm left with this burning desire to be accepted....loved....covered, and lead...leading and learning....growing...but really....accepted.

i think i'll work for a while longer, then hit up the gym...

what's up with that?!?

this is such a quick entry,
so if you come here for some meat, you will be sorely disapointed...i'm sorry...

but i just had this crazy thought.

I had lunch today with a couple of people i absolutely adore, who happen to be a 'couple'...a married couple that is, and i've been sitting here thinking (and working, don't get all bent out of shape, jeez, i can multi-task like it's nobody's business....like...it's not your business, see, that's how much i can multi-task. wow, that saying makes no sense, none what-so-ever).
So anyways, it got me thinking. Why is it that married couples, hang out with other married couples, and the rest of us single folk really only hang out with these 'married' couples once we are in fact a couple of our own. So, to hang out with a married couple, i would in fact have to become a married couple (which, if you haven't noticed, is quite difficult...and if it was easy for you i don't want to hear about it :P ).

anyways. It's just an observation, not entirely true, as in, 100% true, but i'd wager it's a good 90% true. Or maybe it's just true around here.
I don't know.

I think what really got me thinking about it was the fact that i started thinking about becoming a married couple (that sounds weird...but, you know what i mean). Anyways, i had this flash thought "is it because i think that will gain me another level of acceptance?"

guess it's back to the drawing board on this whole sonship / orphan thing huh?
yay for things triggering stuff in your heart you don't really want to deal with...yet, you really want to deal with, because it might just make life that much more exciting...

anyways,

that's about all i got for now, so you'll have to forgive the useless yet, un-exciting comment.

power, wisdom, sovereignty....the qualities of a normal man...

so, this has been kinda near the forefront of my mind the last week or so...
Genesis 1:26 "And then God said, let us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness..."

So, when the issue of the Father heart of God come up, this verse usually comes up. Rightfully so. But what about the other 2?
If the trinity is true, which i fully believe, then it must also be true that God, if indeed eternal, never beginning, never ending, has always been Father, Son and Spirit. So, in Genesis 1, when it says that man was made in "Our image"...it's talking all 3, the complete trinity.
Sure, you may have noticed this and this is nothing new for you, but for me, my friends, this is something i didn't think about until last week. That i was created, in the image of not only my Father God, but my Saviour, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit.

And i heads it over to dictionary.com (probably one of my favourite websites ever.)
and it defines likeness as:
1. The state, quality, or fact of being like; resemblance.

The fact of being like.
God created us in the 'fact of being like' Him and His 2 counterparts...or...Him and Himself and Himself....however you want to look at it...

i don't even want to pretend i know what this means...
but it does blow my mind. that when God thought Rob...he thought God...
God looked in the mirror and was like "i look good...i really like myself....let's make Rob like Me."

i don't know if that's exactly how it happened..don't get me wrong, i'm not trying to presume i understand how God things up creating someone, or bringings someone into existence...
but as i sit here, i can't help but think. God can create anything, destroy anything, and deffinitely NOT create anything...so why did He create me?....why did He create you?!?
There HAS to be a purpose....so much higher than just living....
so much higher than just existence....higher than just wandering around aimlessly.
How dare i wander around aimlessly... when there's such a HUGE God to get to know...

and yet, as i sit here. I realize how tired i am. the fact that i was up at 5:40am this morning, that i'm absolutely wrecked and that all i really want to do is sleep...
But there's such a HUGE God to get to know...it blows my mind...and i want to get to know Him, oh man do i ever. everything in me begs or it....my body is just asking for sleep.
so tonight, i gotta go to bed earlier, sure...
i gotta eat healthier, because if you eat bad food you get more tired...
i need to focus on what's important and not on the everyday mundain of life, the useless things that come and go and don't mean a hill-o-shit...

i really want to do what's important...think about it...if i go home, sit on my ass and do nothing, i've gained what?....nothing....if i go home and watch tv, what have i done?...well, i've excercised my 'god-given-right' to relax?!?....bleh...come on now..i've waisted another hour of my time...

So, i'm probably going to get off my lazy ass and walk over to the healthy eating section of the starbucks/chapters i'm sitting in right now and look over some books that might get me from point A (where i am now) to point B....cause if you aren't moving...you're dying...or sleeping..

self improvement?..i dunno....
self preservation? ..i dunno....
self explination? ..even worse...

although, there is this girl that's sitting at a table near me..and by looking at her, i'm not really thinking she's short or anything....but..and this is the kicker...she just got up to go get another drink.....she's gotta be 4'2"...i swear....shortest little thing i've ever seen....hilarious..
it's only hilarious cause in my head (not that i was thinking about her)...but ya know, you notice something out of the corner of your eye, or even stare at it blankly...and then something happens with that object or person or whatever it is that you were looking at, and it's completely different than you thought in your mind?!?!...

*cricket* *cricket*

ok...no one else has that.....sweet...

i wish somedays i thought less...and enjoyed more.
like...how many days go by that i don't at some point get that nagging "hey, you're still single" thing fly through my head...
or "hey, why'd you mess up earlier, last night, again, right now, later on?!? you always mess up"
or "gonna read or veg tonight"
or "do you even have ANY clue what you are talking about?"
or "you really need to spend more time with God" "you really need to eat less" "you really need to sleep more" "you really need to read more" "you really need to........"



OH SHUT UP.........

5 times, 5x, 5 strings...plus 1

so,

this week was a monumental week for me.
I started at the gym on monday. talk about a shift in my daily routine...my goodness.
Even managed to get there 5 times...one of those times on saturday even. i tell ya, talk about a shift in the lifestyle...wow..
so, the meals still need work. i'm having a harder time sticking to the healthy than just eating whatever i want...but i have been able to push snacks and stuff away, which is a start i guess.
hense the 5 times...

finally got the Shaun Alexander jersey i ordered in january this past week. unfortunately it's a 5x, and slightly to small. i know i know... 5x should be good, but it's not unfortunately. refer back to the first paragraph if you need an explination.
hense the 5x...

led worship at church this morning, from the guitar, accoustic guitar, for the first time ever. talk about a difference. man, not only are my fingers incredibly sore (something i'm not all together foreign to, as i've been playing bass for 16 years...) but i loved it....i really did, it was great fun. I also realized that the callouses (sp) on my fingers from playing bass for so many years, are slightly in a different spot that i would play guitar on...obvious due to the raging pain and blisters currently situated on the tips of my 4 fingers on the left hand.
hense the 5 strings....plus 1

see....all of those you could plus 1 to:
gym - 5 times in 6 days (should've gone 6)
jersey - 5x ...need a 6x (not for long hopefully)
guitar - 5 strings ...plus 1 (and a whole lotta pain)

---------------

Why is it that when you try to change your life in certain area's the other area's you have trouble / problems with, tend to get stepped up a notch?
example. I started going to the gym this week and watching what i'm eating etc... taking a proactive stance on my body getting bettter. but, my constant want and need for getting closer to God takes a back seat due to the onslaught of "oh my goodiness my life just changed so damn much and i'm sooooo tired i could sleep at 12noon let alone be practically passed out by 9pm." that you end up not doing what you need to do most. Do i need to change my body? yes, sure do, with furry and haste. but does that take the place of God...no way. He's still my source for change and help, comfort. so, instead of taking the time i've promised and said i would take to be with my saviour, i end up being way to tired (in my opinion) and do foolish things...taking on other addictions to make up for the loss of the first one.

(Life - Addiction001) + Addiction002 = no better off.
(Life - Addiction001) + God = Renewed Life...life more abudant. the life we're supposed to live.

So, God, this is where i turn to you. My addictions in life are deffinitely replaceable. That much is certain. replaceable by other addictions, but hopefully, and this is where You come in, they need to be replaced by Your presence.
God i need your presence. I need to replace what i give up with you, because if i don't, i haven't given up anything at all have i?

and there it is....ya ever realize that when you just ramble and talk and pray and let your thoughts come out, somewhere in there, at some point you're going to hit the sentance that sums it all up perfectly....and that was it

If you don't replace what you give up with something better, You haven't given up anything at all...

another thing i've realized is that as much as we realize about ourselves that we need to change, we can't expect things to go perfectly and smoothly right off the start. For instance, i did great at the gym this week, but i did miss one day, and working on the food end of things has been rough...
and because i'm having a rougher time adjusting to the schedule than i thought, i gave into the tired attitude and put less time into God and more time into other addictions....

BUT, if i beat myself up about this, and just get all over my own case, i have much higher probability of failure....we gotta keep level headed. and i think that's the most important part.
people are so easily bent out of shape due to failure and misconception of 'right / wrong' and God's viewpoint on situations.
God is for us, not against us. A good friend of mine told me one day:
"You do what you Can, and God will do what you Can't"...

no truer words can be said...we can't do more than we can do (so obvious, but we think so little about the reality of that).
To ere is human...i believe is the saying. It's true. we will ere, we will fall, we will struggle and push through our problems, and some days we will not make it as far and as well as others.
But God is good, and He is for us, not against us. Let's please not get so bent out of shape over our stumblings. Pick yourself back up and go again.

There is a time to grow up, it's called ALWAYS. Learn from your mistakes, Learn from your mishaps and your trials....and let God guide you towards the point B he has for your life.

"If joy really comes in the morning, then I'm gonna sit back and wait until the next sun rise..."

notice something?!?

so, Genesis 1 says:
"... male and female He created them...And there was evening and there was morning, the sixth day..."

so, everything that happened between creating Adam, and creating Eve, happened in the same day. Interesting ....that's either one crazy long day, or the "to God a day is like a thousand years" was in effect at the time..or something...

just a thought

Battle for your ground, it's yours...won't you take it

I am who I am...because i have not love
I believe what i believe...because i have not love
I do not understand...because i have not love
I hurt and am hurt...because i have not love

When was the last time you realized you had no idea what love was?
Probably right after someone hurt you, probably right after someone told you that they didn't like you (as a result of you telling them that you were sure you loved them). Maybe it was right after a friend left, and you don't miss them, or you left, and you don't feel missed.

Try to remember the last time you felt truly loved...
Can you explain it for me? Can you define for me what love is. What it feels like, what it tastes like, smells like, what it does for me, what it does for you, what it is so that when i see it i can grab ahold of it and never let it go...

This is what I wonder...I won't say i believe it, because i don't know...But i do wonder, right now, sitting here, i wonder... Do we even know what love is? I can with a slightness in my heart say yes, for very few situations, and with an almost assuredness in my heart, i can say no, for many situations.

My love for my family is love, i know this because it's the strongest thing i've ever felt....and it pains me when it's broken in anyways...particularly my brother...I'm not sure there is anyone i have ever loved more, and who i know beyond a shadow of a doubt, and have never doubted that he loves me... And sadly, almost every other person in the world, if not all, that i have known and have believed i've loved, and believed have loved me, there has been a time, if not more than one, that i have doubted their love for me.

So, all my fears, and all my worries and all my quiverings can rest on one fact...i must find love, i must find what love is. i must find out what this love is, because if i don't, my life is lost.

"If i speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If i have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If i give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing."

How many of us can, by this statement, by this set of scripture, how many can say "I am nothing"...or at least, on my way to being nothing? I can. I look at this scripture and can honestly with all my heart state that I am on my way to being nothing, because I do not have love. Why do i say this? Not to depress, not to hurt, not to pain or change ones viewpoint on their lives and the love they have. I believe that love grows, i believe that love is strong, and that we do know what love is, but we don't know fully, and that's what is our problem.

And i can say this because :

Love is Pastient
Love is Kind
Love is Not Jealous, Does Not Envy
Love is Not Arrogant
Love does not act unbecomingly, does not act rudely
Love does not seek it's own
Love is not provoked
Love does not take into account a wrong suffered
Love thinks no evil
Love does not rejoice in unrighteousness / iniquity
Love rejoices in the truth
Love bears all things
Love believes all things
Love hopes all things
Love endures all things
Love never fails

So, if that is what love is, and there's sentances and statements in there i don't even understand (ie. love does not seek it's own), then i guess i better get into this thing, and figure out what love is.

IF I HAVE NOT LOVE, I AM NOTHING...

how powerful is that... Love is the base for all we are.

God is Love, and we are created in His image. The scriptures don't say God has love, or loves, or that He even has ALL the love, it says He IS love. If God IS love, then God = Love. If i am created in Loves image, i must look and be much like love... yes / no?

If i've ever seen something worth studying, this is it.
So, here at lifeandwords, i'm going to try and spend time on each of these points, what makes up love. The deffinition of Love that comes from 1 Corinthians 13. It's worth it. Because if i can learn to love, truly love, then i can learn to cast out fear...the fear in me, and the fear in you...

Today begins a new journey. A new path. A path towards what may be, a path towards what is to come and what has been promised. If there is to be life, then there must be freedom, and freedom must come, or all is lost.

God, I give you my life. As tomorrow i start to hit up the gym (yup, you heard me right, i'm scared shitless...but man, if i can learn love, then i might have a fighting chance)...as i turn towards a path i have not traveled, but taken a few steps and failed in the past. I turn to you, because you are where my help comes from, you are where my security must lie. My body does not make who i am, but my body can send me to heaven alot quicker than i want, and hold me back from completing all you have for me and all i want to do.

I have more life to live than i am currently living...

God give me grace, give me peace, let your mercy and love reign down on me, because i know this will be a battle that can take my life and drive a sword deeper into me than i've ever felt. I also know that this is a battle i can walk out of, ontop. I can walk through this valley, and come out ontop of a mountain, high and glorious, standing in the sun, standing before my maker, living the life You intended for me to live. Let my life be a sacrifice, and let my sacrifice bring glory to your name.

All the glory, all the honour, all the love in all the world and all of what i am, i lay down before You...

Your Kingdom come, Your will be done...Here...In my life, on this earth, as you have already designed and already completed in heaven, where time and space play no role...

Growing up doesn't always mean ...

I wanna tackle something this afternoon.

***WARNING - THIS MESSAGE GOES OUT TO ROBERT MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD***

I'm sick and tired of lies affecting the people i love. And i'm even more angered by the fact that most of the lies are completely preposterous.

I've been sitting back watching people crumple to the ground for far to long. And so have you. Plain and simple. Any where from 60-99% of people reading this (and if it's just me, then congratulations i've hit 100%) have been right beside me in this respect.
I'm going to being absolutely bold and say this: "It starts with YOU..."

Here's where we've gone wrong.
Mark 12:30,31 "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your stength. The second is this 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these."

I'm not pointing towards verse 30, i'm pointing towards verse 31. Love your neighbor as yourself. We have not been loving ourselves. Plain and simple, from the very reality of why things in this world are the way they are, we have not learned to love ourselves. It starts with YOU...
If God wanted us to love everyone else, and then deal with our issues later, he would have said "love your neighbor..." end of sentance...love your neighbor, but he didn't. I believe Jesus was trying to hit on a very serious point here of "where is your love for yourself?".

God's focus is not who He loves through you, it's that He loves YOU.
the great commandment is 3 commandments not 2.
It's - Love God, Love Yourself, Love Your Neighbor

It's a known fact you can't give someone something that you yourself do not have. I can not give someone a 20bill when i haven't a 20bill in my pocket. I can't love someone, if i don't know how to love myself.

This is a harsh statement simply because if i look at my own life honestly, I will quickly see that i do NOT love myself at all. In fact, there's a very serious reality that i very much dislike myself.
Yet, I turn around and for all the things I dislike abut myself, i tell the people around me that i love, and even the people around me that i don't know, the exact opposite i believe for my own life. This covers ALL area's of my life, and i know a very large group of people this affects.

I believe no one will love me because of my weight and the fact that i think i'm ugly. plain and simple.
YET, i will look at someone, with all sincerity in my heart, with complete conviction and love and tell them that this is NOT the case for their lives, that they are NOT ugly, that there is no such thing as ugly except evil, and that they are created in the image of God, the perfect form of beauty and glory.
Trust me, i just looked this up. In the NIV, the NASB, and the Amplified versions of the Bible the world UGLY is mentioned in Genesis about the dream involving the "gaunt and UGLY cows" that represented the 7 year famin over Egypt. And in the NIV it jumps to Revelation about one of the bowls that is poured over the earth and 'UGLY sores break out all over the people'. The NASB and Amplified stick just to revelation, and the KJV doesn't have the word UGLY in it once, not even one (1) time.
So you tell me that you are ugly with a straight face....there's no such thing.

But for my own life, i will tell you very plainly with honesty and most times a tear in my eye, that i think i'm ugly. That the world's basis for beauty is in looks, and looks define a person's beauty, and the fact that overweight, and size do NOT = beauty. Yet, i can look at someone bigger than eye and see absolute beauty. How sick is that.

I have a friend, whom will remain nameless, who is incredibly attractive, beautiful and lovely in all ways, turn to me one day and say, "i caught myself say the other day 'I must just come to the terms and agreement that I am not attractive, that I am not beautiful."
From any stand point i'm going to say "correction, not even close to being true..." and even from the worlds deffinition of beautiful this person is absoltuely gorgeous, yet somewhere deep in her heart was sitting this thought "i'm not attractive, i need to just get to that conclusion and stick with it, cause nothing good will happen."

Why have people allowed this sort of 'truth' to be just floating around in our heads. More importantly, why is the church standing by and doing oh so little about it.

I'm sick of hearing story after story of people being addicted to pornography because they don't believe there will ever be anyone that will love them, so what's the point, let's stair into the eyes of someone who the world has told me is beautiful, and bring whatever satisfaction i can out of it.

I'm tired of hearing people say they aren't beautiful, i'm tired of people being alone, i'm tired of people having so many questions in their heart based on the fact that they have suffered rejection at the hands of a person who is only acting out of their lonely and hurt behaviour.

Tell me something...how do we combat this? Other than hijacking every major radio/video station in the world and getting the 'message' out there...which won't work anyways because people are completely brainwashed into believeing the lies. Trust me, i'm sitting here speaking truth, but i don't believe it for myself.

I don't say these things to condemn those who don't have love for themselves. I say these things because there's got to be an answer, there's God to be a time when we can stand up and say " I AM GOOD".... "I am good because God made me that way, and when He made me he said 'ROB IS GOOD' and He screamed it from the top of His lungs and all of heaven has been echoing that truth since before the dawn of time..."

When will the time come when i hear the echo from behind me "you are ugly" and i turn around and look that beast in the face and stair it down, with complete confidnece in my heart and mind and scream deeply into this thing "BACK THE F***OFF, YOU KNOW WHO I AM"

When will the church get fierce...

Jesus said, "ALL authority has been given to me..."
If someone has ALL of something, then what does the other guy have?....NOTHING
there can't be ALL + 1...it's ALL and NOTHING

Jesus lives in me, and allows me to opperate in His authority because he has called me a friend, a brother, a lover... The only authority the enemy has, is the authority that we give him. ALL authority means ALL authority, not, Jesus went into hell, took all the keys back BUT one...it doesn't work like that...
Let's drop that idea of the enemy having power, he does not have his own power, he can only work through the power that we give him.

So here's the thing.

BREAK THE AGREEMENT...

I am beautiful. You know why I am beautiful? Because God made me that way, because i was made in His image, and in God is ALL beauty and ALL pleasure and ALL glory, and He lives inside of me.
I am lovely. You know why I am lovely? Because God made me that way, because God made me and said "you are lovely". He made me with a sense of humour that brings smiles to more people than i know, He gave me courage and boldness, He gave me ears that hear and eyes that see where He is so that i can bring His presence into the reality of this world.
I am powerful. You know why i am powerful? Because God made me to be powerful. Because God said "Rob, I have called you to be a powerhouse, I have called you to stand up for the people of this world, stand up and grow bigger than the world told you that you would get, grow bigger than the people around you said you would be....I've built you to bring My very Kingdom."
I am a son....I am a son because Jesus Christ died on the cross, because he turned to me in my time of need, my time of desperation and cried out of His heart "I LOVE YOU..." and then he died. And time and time again he comes to me and cries out of His heart these very words that bring me life, the very words that bring depth to my existence.

Here's the best part...

SO ARE YOU......

believe it, it's time to, because if we don't, this world keeps going downhill.

I got to much to do to be hindered by just another lie...

-Robert Moses Augi-

time upon time...

Well, there is a good portion of you who will hate me for the fact that I’m sitting in the lobby of a cruise boat in the middle of the Bahamas... but if it’s any consolation, I’m paying 10.50USD / 30min for my internet. Oh, I’m smarter than sitting here typing on the blogger website, trust me, I’ve typed this whole thing on Microsoft Word, and now I bring it to you courtesy of Ctrl+C / Ctrl+V. So Ctrl, C & V please take a bow, sit down and shut up cause there’s lots to talk about tonight.

I’ve recently realized that I learn a lot from verbal process of information, and at the same time God tends to give me quite a lot of revelation as I talk. It’s a wonder why I got in so much trouble when I was a young lad, and now it’s such a fabulous mechanism for God to teach me stuff…hrmmm.. hooda-thunk-it…

Oh..did I mention that I’m having a beer out of a metal bottle. Now, it’s not a beer I would choose on a regular basis, being that it’s Bud Light, but the fact that it’s incredibly cold, and going down like water, makes it one of the tastiest beverages this side of Cuba (which we are currently 13 miles north east of (I think) ). I digress, but really, you should see it…if I wasn’t so lazy I’d walk up to my room and get my camera, take a picture, put it on my laptop and post it here on this blog entry. However, the internet, being satellite isn’t the fastest… and at .35 / min I’m going to opt out of your visual needs of my story.

So, you’ll have to just imagine me sitting on deck 5 of the Star Princess, right in the middle of the promenade which is a nice hole of 3 decks, Deck 5 being the bottom and currently I’m looking up to the peoples walking out of the promenade bar on Deck 7. It really is a wonderful concept…a boat with bars and pizza and all manner of wondrous things. I wish you could all be here. Although I don’t know if anyone would ever even read this because I’m horrible at blogging, so no one checks this thing anymore, if anyone ever checked it in the first place.

Hrmm… I was saying something about verbal processing of information huh?

I swear I had a point to convey after that. I’m going to start talking, and see what happens. See, this is either an incredibly good thing, or it just means that I absolutely LOVE the sound of my own voice, which if you know me, is quite true. So here goes.

God’s been talking to me a lot about Obedience lately. What it means to be obedient and why it’s so important. Not just “it’s a good thing to be obedient” but it really is a matter of life and death. I think I’m starting to realize that when Jesus said “I’ve come to give you life and life to the full” he meant “listen to me, it will get you really far in life.”

Life is choices, a long string of choices that result in a long string of results. I wake up and I’m faced with the choice of wanting to live, I’m faced with the choice to follow God or follow what I want. I’m faced with the desire to live my way, but the choice to sacrifice that and lay it down for the sake of getting into the face of God and reaping benefits far greater than I could ever imagine.

What’s the severity of this? Well, I’m sitting here thinking of Israel and how God said “take the land, it’s Yours”…they all went “no way, giants are scary we’re out of here”

Obedience = taking the land

Disobedience = 40 years in the wilderness that results in that whole generation dying (am I right, I dunno, I gotta read my Bible more… but I’m sure I’m right on this one)

OH MY GOODIE-NESS….Bill Johnson just sat down no less than 4 feet away from me…. I am so-o-o-o-o-o nervous… what if he says hi, or ….oh wow..

And I’m back…sorry… I love the sound of my voice like I said, and specially when I get to go all crazy with the emphasis and stuff…I’m a little kid, I know. Oh, I turned 24 on this past Sunday, still not sure how I feel about that. I think I’m ok with it, but then again I just don’t know. I got carded walking into the bar on the ship that we went to that night, so that’s good …. Or bad… I dunno.

And back to my verbal diarrhea, I mean processing.

I think what’s really amazing is the fact that God is so gracious. I have a really great example and here it is. Since I was 15 years old I’ve been smoking, in fact it was probably about January or early, early February of my 15^th year (so right before I turned 16) that I started smoking. I wasn’t all that keen on God at the time and definitely wasn’t listening to him, I wanted to fit in and didn’t have a madd amount of friends so why not light up. There’s a choice I could’ve done without (now that I look at it 8 years later).

I quit smoking when I was 19 and moved to Toronto to go to school. My reasoning was simply that I had to, I was completely afraid of leadership and it was rule, so ya gotta follow it or you’re kicked out of school, plain and simple. Then God did amazing things in my heart where I wasn’t so afraid of leadership, and realized that I’m actually likable etc… and a year and a half later I started smoking again. Brilliant huh? Well, that’s my second bad choice (yup, only made 2 my whole life). So, that was 3 years ago now and I’ve tried to quit multiple times, the best of which was a 5 month stretch last fall, then one day I woke up, said “hrmm..might as well have a smoke”. And most recently I gave smoking up for about a month, up until last Friday, where I realized I was leaving for a cruise the next day, and thought “oh God, I don’t know if I can go a whole week on vacation without smoking, so might as well not try and just start smoking, that’s a sweet idea”… so last Friday (ya, before I even got on vacation) I lit up and had a few smokes, and then between Saturday and today I went through almost 4 packs…not bad for someone who’s quit huh?

Here’s where my point comes in. I get on the cruise on Sunday, my whole concept for the week is “I’m on vacation, it’s ok” and instantly God starts to talk to me about all of this smoking jazz and why I’ve started again and such.

The very first night during worship Lindell Cooley (www.gracechurchnashville.com) starts prophesying that “today is the day, don’t wait till tomorrow”. Good scripture behind that, why put off till tomorrow, what you can do today. Well, God is talking to me the whole time, the whole evening, specially at that point, the fact that He’s asking me to stop smoking. See, told ya I’d get to obedience somewhere. What’s my head saying at that moment, you may ask? “I’m on vacation, I told you this Lord.”

His response (and such a cleaver one I might add), “You don’t get vacation from me son.” Oh man, you are so correct, how incredible is that, I’ve always had that thought in my head somewhere of just being on vacation sometimes. Oh I’m going on a trip, so I don’t need to think about God cause I’m on vacation. We don’t get vacation from God. (but that’s an entirely different thought pattern I’m not going to follow right now, but I really should sometime soon cause I think I might just get some really really really really good stuff about of it). So, then I see this vision of myself, full grown man (and you all know me, I’m quite full grown…and..uhh…man) and I’m drooling…but I’m drooling cigarettes…that’s right, DROOLING cigarettes. And God says to me, “when you wipe the drool from your lips, you will see yourself grow up. Interesting huh, usually a father will wipe the drool from his son’s mouth for him. BUT, here’s the kicker, God’s taken smoking away from me, He’s already wiped that drool from my mouth, and I’m deliberately drooling. Completely at my own will, completely on my own, letting myself just sit there and dribble when I could be growing up.

Well, that was last Saturday, and as I’ve already stated I’ve gone through almost 4 packs of smokes since then. The funny part, which there is more than one, but one of them is the fact that I wasn’t really enjoying the smoking all that much. Honestly, it was just kinda like work, it was “I’m on vacation, I’m going to enjoy this cigarette. I know it’s a marb light and tastes like shit, but I’m going to enjoy it anyways” (no I don’t know what shit tastes like….grow up)

So, God’s talking to me all day everyday every moment I have a smoke in my hand, every thought pattern involves my obedience toward what God has told me. Now, before you all feel guilty for smoking, I’m not here saying having a cigarette is a sin. That’s just an argument I’ve had with too many people too many times. But when God tells you to stop, then it’s disobedience when you don’t actually stop, that’s where the sin comes in. And so I’m smoking, la la la, and it’s really great and all, I’m arguing with God so much that eventually I can tune Him out to it, and half enjoy my vomitateous cigarette.

Here’s what God has been teaching me about Obedience.

When we obey what God asks us to do, we are standing in His grace to obey, and we are walking on His path towards Him, towards the destiny He has for us. When we choose (and remember it’s all about choice, life is a pattern of choices that lead us to an end) to disobey, we are willfully stepping out of that place of grace, willfully stepping off that path that God has put us on and stepping onto a path that we are selves are hoping will lead to somewhere special and good. And then we wonder why it seems like God is against us, or that He’s got it out for us etc.. Now don’t get me wrong, God is a Father of Love and grace. But if we continually step out of that, with no intention of stepping back into it (in certain area’s of our lives) we allow ourselves the opportunity of being blindsided by a nifty attack of our enemy. God has absolutely amazing grace and I’m going to get to some of that later, but for now I’m more going for the “what path are we on?”

God puts us on a path towards Him, towards the life he has for us. And when we disobey, choosing to step off that path, we see a rabbit off to the side of the trail and follow it, and we get a little pre-occupied by something else other than what God wants for us. This is not to say we start all the way at the beginning again, but we can’t cut straight across and get onto the trail ahead of where we were, we have to go back to where we stepped off the trail. So if we are living in disobedience, we are hindering our progress on God’s path, because we’ve willfully stepped off it, choosing to believe we can run our lives better than God can advise us to.

**and my beer is empty….shooot*

so, this is a huge revelation God has been showing me in the last couple weeks, that when we step out of Obedience we step out of His will, and out of the place of grace.

Here’s an example…Say God tells you to do something, and after you do that something you will receive a gift. But you don’t do the thing God told you to do, you do something completely opposite, but you are still living in the mindset that God is going to give you the gift, because you’re sure you heard God right?

Well, if A + B = C, we can’t really expect A + X = C can we? (where X is opposite to B J)

So, God tells (A) me that he wants to bless me with a new job (C), but He’s also asking (B) me to not tell anyone about it. Well I turn around and tell (X) everyone about it, that God is going to give me that job I wanted…

A = God’s promise to me

B = the path to get to God’s promise

C = the pot of Gold at the end of the path

X = the rabbit trail that puts me off the path

Do you really think I’m going to make it to C?

Remember, life is a series of choices. So, I’m sitting there, I’ve told everyone and I’m now wondering why I don’t have my new job, what’s going on, I’m sure God told me he was going to give me that new job, why is it that I can never hear from God properly?!? Why do I have such a hard time hearing God’s voice?!?...

This is where the enemy really takes the opportunity to have his way with our minds.

Here’s the truth. I heard God, loud and clear, and He wasn’t lying, His heart is to give me this great job. He’s also asked me to walk the path to get that job, but I chose to try and get there a different way. But I don’t have the road map, God does. So I take a step in the wrong direction and run with it, and God is sitting there “oh son, just come this way…” and I’m like “no no, don’t worry dad, I got this one…”

Good call doofus (that’s me saying that, not God)

I gotta own up and take responsibility for my actions, realize that indeed God wants to give me a gift, but if I don’t listen to him, if I don’t obey, I take things into my own hands, step out of grace, step out of that place of obedience where blessing and abundance and fullness of life flow freely and I jump into the lake of uncharted waters that I think I can navigate myself. It just doesn’t work.

Here’s where grace comes in.

God told me a long time ago that He wanted to be close to me, He also said that one of the ways that would happen was to stop smoking. I knew that smoking was getting in the way of my relationship with God. I was foolish, made more excuses than I care to think of. “Smoking isn’t a sin…” “God = Grace = Forgiveness” “you’re just religious, get off my back and quit telling me how to live…” ..blah blah blah, I argued till I was blue in the face and it got me nowhere, except asking constantly why I wasn’t closer to God that I wanted to be. And as I mentioned earlier, we don’t get vacation from God. So, if God has asked me to stop smoking, and the other side of that is going to be a life that has less in the way between me and God, I should listen right? Oh, there are going to be other things that God asks me to give up that get in the way of our relationship, that goes hand in hand with how much He’s been talking to me about sacrifice, which is pretty close to obedience…or almost the exact same thing huh?

So all week I’ve been arguing with God that I’m on vacation, that I’ll quit next week etc…and God has been relentlessly pursuing me, going to the max on getting my heart, getting me to give up what gets in the way of our relationship. He’s a good friend like that, always wanting to be closer than we currently are.

I find myself today standing on the deck of this ship looking out over the water having a cigarette and yet again God starts to talk to my heart, “give this up…” and my heart gets heavy, man does it get heavy, just feeling so “I don’t want to, I don’t want to, I don’t want to…. I want to…but I don’t want to”.

And then God said the most simple, but incredibly profound thing I’ve heard all day. He said, “If obedience can bring such blessing, how much torment can disobedience bring?”

I looked out over the water and remembered Jonah being eaten by a whale because of his disobedience….talk about a bad day and/or 3. think about that, think of being swallowed by a whale, that’s not even possible is it? Well it happened, and if you see Jonah in heaven before I do, tell him I says “sorry man, that’s just shitty”…

This is the thing….God doesn’t just punish His children left and right, but what His children often do is step out of the place of obedience, dragging us out of the grace and favour of God leaving us susceptible to what is really due our actions.

After saying this, I see very clearly in my Spirit man (another long conversation I need to have at some point with myself….man I love the sound of my own voice/thoughts/typings). I see 2 angels standing behind me and they have both of their hands on my chest and lungs, and I hear very clearly God say, “I have been protecting you…”

I was sitting at lunch with a friend yesterday and we were talking about the amount of times I’ve been in the hospital in the last month (7 times in a period of 12 days) and how I got incredibly sick, and all the tests came back clean and clear.

I’ve put a solid 24 years into ruining my body. Seriously, it’s hard to admit somedays, but I’ve in no way looked after my body, I’ve been smoking for the last 8 years, and I’ve been eating more and more and more and all the wrong things time and time again. I’ve put my body in last place, right behind the trash can. I walk out of my doctors office and he says, “well, your blood work comes back good. You’re healthy, your cholesterol is normal, your blood pressure is normal, your blood sugar levels are normal, your breathing is normal, your ___insert body function of any sort here___ is normal.”

How’s that possible? I have not looked after myself at all, and I’m fine, I haven’t ruined anything yet….Thank you God.

God has been protecting me. But I realized, how long can disobedience go on before I step to far out of God’s grace and something happens? God doesn’t remove grace in my opinion, He’s so good that he’s always wanting to pour grace, love, joy, etc… over our lives, but He has also given us free will, so my choices affect what He is able to do.

As I realized all of this I flicked the cigarette that I was smoking over the balcony of the deck I was standing on, reached into my pocket, pulled out the remainder of the pack of smokes I had and bent them in every which direction, making the conscious effort to be obedient.

Here’s my point, Obedience breeds blessing, breeds closeness to God. Disobedience, if it doesn’t bring us backwards, it will at least hinder us moving forward in our relationship with God, our destiny in Him and our lives that we are living here on this earth.

When God asks you to be Obedient, for your own sake, for God’s sake, for the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven, obey, as hard as it may look and as hard as it may be, if you are willing to make that choice towards obedience, you will see yourself get closer to the one who created you.

God’s constant desire is to bring us closer and closer and closer to Himself, and only we can hinder that process. It’s a walk, it’s learning, I got lots more things to give up and lots more avenues of obedience to walk down, but if you can make that one step towards being obedient where He’s asking today, the next time will be easier, because you will be doing it from a stronger relationship with Him.

Here’s to living a life of good choices…24 might just be a good year ;)

p.s. - i'm gonna try and blog every week...just to verbal process if nothing more