Christmas Eve, Christmas, Boxing Day

I didn't go to mass...did you?!?
maybe we should go next year...who knows..might be a kickin' time that i've missed for the last 22 years of my life..that would suck wouldn't it..find out that Christmas mass is kickin'...i mean..it's gotta be right..it's one of the 2 times a year most people go to church (the other being easter...)

ahh...the day Jesus was born...or a pagan holiday the christian church stole..i'm not sure..they say alot of things these days...
i heard this the other day....get this..it's hilarious..
so, theree's the whole st. nicholas thing right..guy a long time ago that gave out presents..then 200 years ago someone writes 'twas the night before christmas' ....officially starting the snowball effect of what we now know as santa clause....so, in that classic christmas eve type poem, there's no rudolf....well guess who invented rudolf..
a freakin Department Store (not sure which one..but think walmart...just cause)..isn't that insane...talk about capitolism to it's highest form...inventing rudolf..who has become such a HUGE ploy for making money ...damn...so smart...almost as good as the teletubbies lol

here's my thought on wireless controllers for the playstation 2....KICKS ASS....amazing...ur sitting like...clear across the room...playin, no worries...and no wires...oh man...so sweet

i have a troubled mind tonight..so my thoughts are all jumbled....writing is taking to much effort...

Whoa...

Holy Crap for Crap....
November 1st...why didn't anyone tell me...geez..i'm a maroon..

so i got a few things i'm pretty happy about...first of all, Rogers (the company) signed this odd deal with Yahoo.ca to bring the customers of Rogers a better deal of some sort. Well all they really told us was "hey, we've teamed up with Yahoo to make your service better..." i says, sure whatever, they signed up with them cause it's gonna make them money right?..well true it is making them money i'm sure...but it's actually brought some pretty kewl things my way. Take for instance the fact that i'm the person that signed up for Rogers in my household...5 room mates and i'm actually the only one with a @rogers.com email address, no one else said they wanted one so whatever..i didn't care...well, since my computer got stolen (yes stolen..i'm sure i mentioned that a while back..check around the 'august 15th' area of this blog) i haven't had a computer i can set up Microsoft Outlook to receive my mail too..and quite frankly the rogers web interface for emailing sucked...so having signed up with yahoo, rogers adopted the 'yahoo mail' interface, and i'm guessing they've upgraded that with yahoo cause it's great... i have access to all the kewl 'online' without an email program's greatness that yahoo has learned over the past years being a free email provider..so that's fantastic..i'm really happy about that..makes life a whole lot easier...
now here's the added bonus...yahoo messenger, i can sign on with my rogers account...and if i'm logged on it keeps me informed about incoming email (much like msn messenger does with hotmail email accounts)... but ..one of the kewlest points to this company 'merge' is that yahoo has this 'launchcast' thing they have...guess it used to be called launch..and then yahoo bought it out etc..anyways..you can sign up for a free account and customize a radio station for yourself..it works on a 'rating' system..you rate the current song ur listening to...rate genres of music you like etc...so eventually...after rating much, your station plays alot of what you like..most of what u like actually..which is great cause there's no radio station out there that plays the punk rock i like, and i just odn't have the money to buy CD's right now... well, with this 'launchcast' radio station you can listen to low quality (for suckers that have only dial up and can't afford the bandwidth) and then medium and high..well high is only usable if you pay...less than 3.00 a month if you purchase this feature for a whole year..but ...i don't wanna pay...screw that..so i didn't..i just left it at medium..the music echo's a little and it's bad quality...
well, to my suprise one day i'm signed into my rogers email acct..and head over to start my radio station (on my free account that i've spent a year customizing to have good tunes all the time..) and it automatically signs me into my rogers acct...and tells me i'm subscribed to "launchcast+ plus) which means i get high quality music...and i get all the radio stations launchcast offers..not just the few they give you when ur a 'free member' ....so that kicks...now i'm trying to get my new radio station as good as my old one...lost of rating to go lol...

home for the holidays is damn good..damn good i say...spendin' lots of time with my family, getting reaquainted with my nephews (yes, when you live out of town and can't see them often, it's sometimes hard for the little ones just over or just under a year old to exactly remember who you are..).. it's hard sometimes...like, when my one little nephew looks at me, (a year and a half almost now) and starts to cry cause he doesn't know who i am...that's hard..the other little nephew (8 months now) not the same thing..smiles at me often..until i touch him...then he kinda turns his head and ..well...that's rough...i love these guys soo much...with everything in me..kills me everyday i don't get to see them, my niece..somehow we just got the most love for each other..she hear's my voice and comes runnin, see's me at the door, comes running..i love that..she's an angel...
the other part that's hard beein' home for the holidays, is not being able to afford presents...i mean..sure quitting my job was my choice..but i haven't gotten people proper gifts in three years...and i LOVE giving christmas gifts... couldn't care about how much it is..as long as i know they will like it..i mean..i guess in some ways it's allright...like with my niece...i never came home with presents...so ..she never expects anything but me...cause that's all i got..so our relationship is built on me loving her and her loving me..not that i think she would ever love me just for my gifts lol..but i think it's kinda kewl...i remember going to my aunts house kinda wondering all the time if she had somethign for me...or her coming over and me wondering if she was bringing something for me...don't get me wrong..i wanna spoil her rotten...but that's just not in the cards now is it...not right now anyways..someday i'll be the rich uncle..hopefully..
now, to probably the killer of the holidays...being alone...damn..i dread christmas sometimes cause i'm sitting there with my family...mom and dad...bro and sister in law...sister and bro in law...and me...no me and my girlfriend..or me and my fiance'..or me and the girl that's gonna be my girlfriend..etc..ya know what i mean...it's just me...that get's damn annoying.. what can i say..i'm a lonely man...sure i'm still young...but single for as long as i have been..it's just getting too much somedays...

well, there's my thoughts...christmas is amazing..christmas is hard...christmas is all about my Lord...whoa..a little rhyme for y'all...kickin' it christmas style is what i'll call it

Purpose...

Pur·pose ( P ) Pronunciation Key (pûrps)n.
1. The object toward which one strives or for which something exists; an aim or a goal: “And ever those, who would enjoyment gain/Must find it in the purpose they pursue” (Sarah Josepha Hale).
2. A result or effect that is intended or desired; an intention. See Synonyms at intention.
3. Determination; resolution: He was a man of purpose.
4. The matter at hand; the point at issue.

Jeremiah 1:5 "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born, I consecrated you..."

Nothing like a good war movie (we were soldiers) to get your thoughts moving about ur purpose in ur life. What is my purpose? what am i fighting for, if i'm fighting at all. It seems that when a soldier looses something, he finds more strength, and more courage for the fight. He looses a friend, a comrade and there is a spark of greater desire to see the job done, to see the fight completed...

"Every man is a soldier. Every man has his war, his battle, the fight for his life and the others around him. Every day, every soldier must choose to fight, must choose to pick up his weapon and enter yet another day for the fight for his life."

What is it i'm fighting for? Have i forgotten to wake up and pick up my sword, pick up my weapon? Has the purpose of my life, the purpose of my battle lost it's meaning in 'everyday living'.

How do u get back into the fight, how do you realize who you truly are.

"Every man is more than he seems. Every man has more in him than he thought was there, than he even thought possible. It's a journey and a daily fight to find that part of oneself that will stand up and fight."

Find that part and u are off to a better life, because every life is worth fighting for, your own, and especially the lives of those around you...

Halloweenie?!?!? Ur mom's a weenie...

I don't celebrate Halloween, I celebrate the harvest. WHAT!??!?!
I don't know where I was going with that, but if ya think about it isn't it odd that the church instead of celebrating "Halloween" they all throw together a 'harvest party' and hope that their children go to that, and maybe bring other neighbourhood children to it as well. I guess maybe it's a decent idea. However, i do have this to ask, when was the last time u were at a 'good' 'harvest party'....most of them end up rather dissapointing, and you still gotta go out and buy the candy, because they always hand out candy at these events, so have you really not supported the 'holiday'. you bought candy, rented/made/bought a costume for the evening. Sure ur celebrating a good thing, ur coming together in the unity of the christian community, which is a good thing, quite frankly i don't thing we do that enough (ever read the new testament, they knew what community and family in a christian context was). But you've bought in to everything EXCEPT trick-or-treating. so have we gotten anywhere, i just don't know. alot of christians i know need a good scare, maybe they should allow scary costumes at these events (most churchs say 'no scary costumes')...
But enough about the harvest, here's to the real question at hand. So, i wanted to hand out candy this year, i really did, i had FULL intent to. One major downfall to that thought, i don't have money right now, and that candy is damn expensive. So, i don't have candy. In the thought of "i'm probably going to have kids nocking on my door" i didn't put up any decorations, NONE, my door in the hallway to the townhouse complex i live in is completely bair, AND the outside door, which is onto my patio, which i would imagine people wouldn't come to any ways, is bare as well. I wouldn't expect people to come to that one because most of the people in our row have fences surrounding thier patio's. So, where have kids been knocking, well, on BOTH doors. lots of them. children everywhere, my first reaction was to be an outright oaf, just sloppy, mean etc... but the kids, so cute. oh goodness. i had a witch, and a princess, a pumpkin and a dragon ninja, man, all kinds of them. And i felt so bad not having candy for them. Sooo, finally i got fed up, couldn't handle tellin' the little kiddies i didn't have candy, i wrote "No Candy Left...Sorry" on a piece of toilet paper, so i've got a string of toilet paper hanging on my door....sure it might be sick, but i figure no respectable mother, or father (well maybe the fathers) would let their childern knock on a door that has toilet paper hanging on it.

Playing Champions of Norrath today (http://championsofnorrath.station.sony.com/) , get to the end of the game, and how it works, ya kill the end bad guy, but if ya don't well then ur game ends, and it puts you back to where you last saved, well moron me didn't save just before i walk in. here's a taste of how bad that is, i had gotten a 2h weapon that was critical hitting for about 7300hp on a slam, and i didn't save, so i lost that item. now i don't have that item. it's tragic... and haven't seen an item that good again yet. it hurt...it hurt bad... but really video games are a pastime children, don't let them overtake ur life.

so, it's halloween, i don't have candy, i didn't hand any out, i haven't even eaten supper, odd..

life...damn

Well, i'll tell you this much. Two weeks out of work and you begin to wonder if you've made the right decision. I find myself thinking about all the things i could be doing with my time, yet i sit through day after day unmotivated to do anything at all. The addiction of doing damn near nothing is HUGE. The promise of a tomorrow with no limits floods me with thoughts about all the things i could do. I could write that book i started, damn i started well, and got 3 chapters done, and then BOOM, just put it down, stopped writing, and why? i have no idea. I could pick up that paint i bought a year and a half ago and sit down infront of that canvas that i bought, sketch out one of the many ideas i've had over the last 2 years, all of which i remember, none of which i've put time into. Oh Oh, i could read one of the 3 books i'm in the middle (not including the bible, which is a damn good book imho, what greater place to look for direction and councel when i'm at such a crucial point of my life for making a decision). so what do i do, well i sit on the internet, meaning well of course, looking through job sites, looking through college sites, looking through a whole F&^k load of absolutely nothing to be honest. waisted another day, as i sit here at 11:00pm, tired, why am i tired?!? ..i didn't crawl my sorry ass out of bed till 12:30....yesterday it was 2:15pm...and i went to bed before 1am...
all this and i quit a job i was about to be promoted to a $16+/hr plus 2-400/month in commission. sure that's not HUGE money, not like some people i know blah blah blah..it's a whole lot more than i've ever made and a whole lot more than i even need to live on. rent this next month...less than 250.00 that's INCLUDING all of my bills and utilities.
yet i'm convinced that quitting my job was the right thing to do. waiting, even for a God that i know loves me is a hard thing to do. where does motivation come from. how do i find the motivation to get up, and get my ass in gear into so many things i could profit from. Right now my day has consisted of ...NOTHING. tomorrow, what kind of result will i accomplish, what kind of purpose will i have fulfilled. i fear nothing, yet i hope there will be motivation in my day, motivation in my morning when i wake up.

motivation
n 1: the psychological feature that arouses an organism to action toward a desired goal; the reason for the action; that which gives purpose and direction to behavior; "we did not understand his motivation"; "he acted with the best of motives" [syn: motive, need] 2: the condition of being motivated; "his motivation was at a high level" 3: the act of motivating; providing incentive [syn: motivating]

so what arouses this organism. I'm the organism, the next part i need to work on is 'desired goal'. where does my incentive come from, who provides me with my incentive and my goal, so i can stand up, get into my desired task and head toward my goal.

so maybe tomorrow i will wake up and write down a goal... maybe a goal for my week, sure tomorrow is friday so my first goal might take me into next week. maybe it's just a chapter in my book, maybe it's a sketch, or find my wife....holy shit, that came out of nowhere didn't it, well, that is a good goal, but i fear it might take more than a week.

oh, and wives, or women, or whatever have you. being at a wedding, and having all day to think about life, leaves me with at least 20minutes a day, or is that an hour, thinking about my life including only me. single, 22 years of single. that's a damn long time, and ur left most of the time with the finger pointing directly at me. It's an odd thing, you want so bad to be connected to someone, and that someone, whoever it is for yourself, or myself at the time, whatever reasons have been given or been relayed, even though you fully believe in that reason, and fully believe in the truth and the validity of that person, you still end up with your finger pointed directly at myself. my problem, my fault, my issue, whatever an issue is.
ahh it's all to complicated and i'm to tired to think about it anymore. guess i need to go receive the counseling of the 'counselor'..the one they call holy spirit, i hear he's a pretty damn good counselor, shoud step into his office. anyone know the address....

whatever, i'm out...life is to complicated....

"it's about the man next to you, and that's it, that's all it is..."

Follow your Heart, or your Mind?!?

It's incredible when you follow the instinct in your heart what happens. I've felt for a good 2 months i was in the wrong job, it wasn't right and it wasn't everything that God had for me, everyday i felt this uncanny urge to quit my job. During the day it was just work, and somehow i had this way of getting through it for a while, but i would go home at night and feel from the moment i got home to the moment i fell asleep that i was in the wrong thing, that my job just wasn't right. Then i get to a point that i can't handle it, i get sick one day and the next day i'm unable to motivate myself for work, and still feeling a touch ill i call in, the next day (third day sick) i go into the doctor and he tells me i need two more days off. After that point work was killing me..not slowly like someone would write a song about, but killing me damn fast. And it got to a point where everyday i would be debating whether or not i should quit my job. How do you live with that stress and uncertainty of life on your shoulders at EVERY moment?
and everyone yyou talk to means well, incredibly well, but their advice is all very practical, and you are fighting with an 'unpractical, fully spiritual, not-about-money' point of your life. It was a HUGE fight, everyday wondering if i was in the wrong spot, wondering if i was fooling myself every morning geting up and working for something i couldn't believe in.
So, this past week, i call in sick on wednesday, not cause i'm sick, but cause i can't go into work, i can't get myself to do it. I sit at home all day debating on whether or not to keep my job. everything practical was at the forefront of my mind, i went out for lunch with my 'rents' on the sunday before and they fed me the practical side of life, "You need to work cause it's just what you do"...well life hasn't been making so much sense in my mind since i've been wanting to follow my heart.

well thursday morning i decided, against everything 'practical', to quit my job...called my manager and said those much anticipated words "i don't think this company is working for me, i'm handing in my resignation." i was expecting a "we need 2 weeks notice." or something of the sort. well theyh just say "ok, come in with a letter of resignation and we'll get your last cheque out to you with your record of employment." so, it was alot easier than i thought. And now i feel the most peace i've felt in a long time, months even...probably within the last year i haven't felt this much peace and that i'm actually following God for the first time..in a long time..probably since i promised him i would come to school in toronto and actually followed through with it... So i feel like i'm walkin' in the right direction...debt right behind me and my future ahead of me...... just hoping i walk into a good situation...which i figure i will


heading for PR in three days, i can't wait..vacation time is good time, but i'd love to go to a wedding sometime soon and just enjoy it lol... i end up doing stuff at all the weddings i've been going to lately...this one i'm singing at..i'm an usher at the next one...was best man/singer/mc for the last one....wow..gotta just get married myself....sure that's busier..but that's ok...so many weddings and i'm still single....i gotta get hooked up with someone soon or i'm gonna snap...naw..not that bad...oh wait..YES, yes it is

seattle lost again today...not impressed..sure they were playing New England and i wasn't entirely banking on a win, however, after last weeks horrible upset i was hoping they would pick it up and win..but guess not

i got a whole lot nothin' more to say...laterz

Let the good times keep...rolling

While borrowing a car would for most people be a temporary thing, for me it seems that it continues. For now that is. So i continue to drive me beautiful car around, which isn't mine, so i dare not say 'my car', however, i did say that infront of the friend that let me borrow the car. odd that. but all good things do come to an end, just not yet, thank the good Lord.

--- (handle, handle, handle)
break
--- (handle, handle, handle)
well, that's about all i have to+ say - Rob start talking about the things that you don't know about... Like the other things that are filled with fun and things that are not so, so...
--- (handle, handle, handle)
break
--- (handle, handle, handle)

so all boring things aside,
umm...well, i can't think much at the moment...i'm in cornwall right now. true story, so i'm at work right, and this girl turns to me and says "CORNWALL?!?!?!? isn't that where there is a great corningware store?" "i've been there, people come from all over to go to the great corningware store in cornwall".... well of course i don't want to outright laugh at the foolish girl, however, i did....umm...outright laugh at the foolish girl .. pfft, corningware, if only i knew what it was, i would know where to start. so i says to the foolish girl "my dear sweet foolish girl, there is no corningware store in cornwall"
"Oh but there is," she says with a chirp in her voice, a little more agrivated than before. "i've been there you see, so don't tell me that it isn't really there."
"I've lived there for 20 years and never once been, or seen a corning ware store," i replies casually...
"It's on a hill."
"A HILL?!?!? well damnit, why didn't you say that earlier, i know exactly where that is...except...there are no hills in cornwall, except for big ben, which is a pile of compost that the city so graciously lets the young children of our fair (and fairly smelly) city ski on in the winter. it's called BIG BEN, and NO, they don't sell corningware there..."
"well, not a hill, but, up a hill."
so at this point i think i might have shut off to her, cause she really had absolutely no idea what she was talking about, YET she goes on...
"people from all over go there, people from england go there just because of the corning ware..."
"it's great corningware"
"corningware, corningware, corningware..."
Well i says "corningware?!? corningSHMARE!!!" just because the city starts with the word corn, doesn't mean we make ur stupid warez...or your holez...or whatever other phraze starts with corn. .. pipe..backwardsthroughafieldnaked...whatever...

on a clearer note, when drinking, or not drinking, it's your choice, first of all, don't do it with *cough* &%^*$ *cough* (sorry, sensored for the hard of hearing) ... but for a good time, and a long time, repeat these words ..in order....outloud...fast.

EYE
WE
TARD
ED

if you can figure it out....congratulations...a 2 year old could easily do the same
if you can't figure it out...go back, read the phraze again, and get all your friends to hear it and agree with you, because you are officially...RETARDED...

and like I TARDED this post with "all good things must come to an end"...and the things that no once cares about, and are really just a bunch of ramblings of crap, well, if only for the sake of being dead tired, they too must come to an end....THANK GOD

-an i'm out-

I got an e-mail in my pocket, and I thinnk it's starting to melt...
Ehoo.

Fare ye well ! ! ! ! !

Face to Face, as of right now they are on their farewell tour. I know this because i saw them play last night, and they said, and i quote "This will be our last tour..." it's a shame really. Years of listening to these boys give me a fond and wanting taste for more of their music, however, like they said last night, 13 years of it and it's time to finish up. And this was the best show i've ever been to, if not the best. So, for all my teenage years, and not so teenage years of listening to Face to Face, i thank you and salute you. Job f*ckin' well done boys...

on to a different note. seems that i've realized, when your computer gets stolen, keeping your blog up can actually be a difficult process. So here i sit, getting paid to write in my blog, but only for a moment, writing in my blog that is... so, if anyone sees anyone carrying my laptop downtown or anything, feel free to kick the little idiots ass and take my computer back for me... thanx.

ahh so the borrowing of the car ends this week, after 3 weeks of having access to a vehicle, i can only say one thing "i need a vehicle." allthough life can be done without one, trasit does work, except, life is a whole lot harder when you don't have one. I've done more things with my spare time (like headin' downtown for a punk rawk show) because i knew it would take me a 1/4 of the time it would on transit (at least) and i could leave whenever i want etc... and work, my goodness...9 minutes to drive there, 45 on the transit. mornings are 100x nicer when you can drive into work and not sit on a bus crowded with people you don't know...

that's about it...life is pretty rockin'...work is allright, boring, but allright. i'm kickin it'

so, here's to good bands, good music, and not giving items more place in your heart than they deserve...

Things amis

Well, things are odd these days. I'll admit, they aren't that bad, but things are changing in a huge way around me. I'm working, my house is slowly getting fixed up, my best friend is getting married. Ever have that happen to you, you feel like you are loosing probably the closest thing that you've ever had in your life. Your stomach feels queezy at times, and you wonder what you are supposed to do after that part of your life is gone. Sure it's not fully gone, but one's best friend is, well, pretty damn close isn't he, and not like you didn't know that, but when something huge happens in their lives, it affects you largely. But out of respect and kindness and understanding you don't actually say anything about it because you know the change in that person's life is a good 100x that of which you are feeling, yet the heart gets pained again. The heart, such an odd thing. So much in life affects it, so much in life pokes at it and makes it ooze feeling and part of you. People come along and whether they know it or not they touch a part of your heart and leave with some of your life on their hands, and you feel it, you really do. Take family for instance, I can't leave them without wondering if i should be leaving or not, i can't walk away without wondering if i'm not missing out on some bigger part of life because everything they stand for and everything they are is an incredibly large part of my life. Sven getting married, i'm so happy for him, i think it's one of the greatest moves of his life, yet a huge part of my heart is screaming "Don't do it, i'm loosing you...". Does this all mean that the heart is just another selfish part of society that is untamable and wreckless. makes me wonder. If i were to actually walk up to him and say "don't get married, i can't handle it..." it would be completely seen as selfish. I would never say that, nor do i think my heart really feels that as much as the words express, but it is in there, the part that wants to hold on to a life that has been for so long, that one thinks shouldn't change...


got my shift bids for the next 4 months (sept - jan) and i'll be working 11am - 5pm....sleepin' in everyday, making good money, taking overtime whenever i can to up my hours...i'm looking forward to it..

well, for those coming around for the wedding on sunday, i will see you then...

completeness

Such an interesting word. Complete. It can be linked to so many different parts of our lives; our job, our love, our relationships, our play, our hobbies, the way we do things, the way we react, the way we feel we succeed. It's interesting, but finishing the kitchen/dining room (yes, we're done painting it..just need a few added pieces) shows me that life is such a long process. And there is this driving force in all of us that wants to get to completion, living a live of completion, and mostly in who we are. I'm sitting here thinking about all the things i've done that were supposed to improve my life, and all the other things i've done because people told me that was the way to improve my life. And not so many of them have brought me anywhere near being complete. Now i don't honestly think anyone is fully complete. Life is like a house, you finish (not the people) one thing and end up noticing something else you need to do, and it's a meticulous, time consuming process. all we set out to do on the weekend was paint some walls, and it started at cleaning, re-arranging everything, looking in the dark places and the light places, the dirty places and the sticky places, and cleaning it all out, so that the new paint could be applied. We could have easily just painted over the dirt, not moved anything, done a 'half ass job', but instead we moved everything away from where we wanted to work, took time to clean, took time to lay down a primer so the application of the paint would stay and cover well, and did 2 coats....We learn so many things that just slide off the walls of our lives. Someone tells me a great new way to live, and if i'm not in the position of receiving that news it slides off, it doesn't adhear to my life.
I want to be walking towards completeness, in every area of my life. You look at your job, walk in mumbling and grumbling and complaining and your walking in without your walls clean, without the obsticles moved out of the way to learn what it is you need to learn, you leave and the things of the day just slide off and all your left with is the dirty mangy walls you had before, but now there are added finger prints of the boss yelling at you, the secretary lookin' so fine you can hardly resist takin' her home with you. Whatever the case may be, we end up not learning, not growing, but staying where we are. Living a life of completeness is feeling alive in the situations that get ya down if you aren't ready for them. Living a life of completeness is paying attention to the things around you, your relationships (cultivating them, nourishing them, feeding them), your job (taking it full storm, putting your heart into it, and if it's something you can't find the heart for, you are in the wrong line of work, and you need to search your heart to find what it is you long to do, there is something and it's there, it's there waiting to be found. doing what you love to do, and ontop of that getting paid for it, there is no greater thing, it's about finding satisfaction in the work you do, or finding the work that will bring you satisfaction), your life (finding and connecting to a God that you can really love, and that you can really understand, putting time into understanding what you believe, understanding what you live for, understanding who God really is), so many other aspects of our lives fall into the categories of needing to be complete, or at least moving towards completion.

living a life of completion is living a life of change. Seeing one thing complete, and realizing you need to move onto something else, not forgeting the completion you've seen in your life. We easily forget the things that have happened, the good things, the things that have brough us life and hope, love and comfort...we need to hold onto those things because some days that is all we have left to hold onto at all. Ahh but to feel alive, even for a moment of the day. walking from outside after finishing a smoke, into a freshly painted room, a new picture on the wall, clean counters, clean cupboards, the freezer in a better spot, the table in a better spot, clean floor, new lighting, it brings a sense of joy and excitement for all the things you have in your mind to do. It started with a thought "let's make this place a place we WANT to live in" and so we started, not 3 months later, not a year later, but the next day, rented a truck spent the money and did it.
.........now i'm realizing i need to say "let's make this life a life i WANT to be living..."

oh the plague of thought

it's amazing how improving ones surroundings can have such a profound difference in said person's life...take my newly painted kitchen and dining room, looking loads better, on the way to being finished (just got the cabinet knobs, coat hook to paint and hang some pictures up and clean and put everything back), walking into the room gives such a satisfying feeling of "i've done this, this is my handywork"...of course not alone, but the feeling of having accomplished something adds great weight to a person's self esteem. maybe it all goes back to showing off what you have and covering up what you are. food for thought in the back of my throat...that tastes like...*chomp* *chomp*...email

the heartstrings. what are they, where are they located, and how can so many people play them without asking, or better yet, without even knowing that they are. it's like an open part of the human body, or emotion, or whatever, that seems to be accesible to the general public, hense the 'open' part. Ya learn so much about 'guarding the heart' and 'being open / vulnerable' well, i say the two are complete opposite and how are you supposed to do both, this is the question i propose to myself, "how can you protect, what you can't see, can't feel and more often than not, can't control" - emotions and the human heart. It's risky, it's dangerous, and it's by far the most sought after thing in the whole universe. When a young boy does something great and he gets aplauded by his parents, he has just obtained their heart, and his heart strings have been played, a beautiful tune. When his friends pat him on the back for a job well done on the football field, once again there is an emotional high, and all seems to go well, and then one day this young lad recognizes that there's more to life than family and friends, but oh damn, we gotz women around. Well the whole world of this fella gets tipped upside down, and soon enough he realizes he doesn't know jack shit about love, or women, or even his own heart. the strings of his heart that can bring such a sweet song get pulled this way and that, and soon enough it's easier to hide and cower than to show his face. Pursuit, it's a great word, hell, it's a great concept, but the young lad doesn't know what it means, can't define it, is to damn afraid to try it and wonders to himself more often than not "would it even work if i tried." So, it's a daily journey, some better than others, loneliness sets in, then leaves, then comes back like a hurricane and the strings make a violent shaking, banging sound on the inside of his poor chest. Ahh the joys of human relationship. Dogs have it figured out best....sniff around a bit, and it's as good as done...not saying i'm up for sniffing peoples butts to see if i'm attracted to them, but somedays that seems like it would be easier... and the greatest sign infront of his face is 'life goes on, through hurt, through pain, through sorrow, through gladness and excitement and glee, life must go on, not because it just has to, but becuase there is something to live for, and it goes beyond this search for affection, it goes beyond the search for human relationship and human companionship, it reaches out to a higher source, a power far greater than anything on earth, and a God that can take care of the heart, the strings, and all things in between." And in the morning, he wakes up and says, "am i still alone?"

couches, lies and moniez

holy shit it's been a long time since i've posted....i'm not gonna apologize..i've been busy...but, wow..

so, new things, well, a whole heck of a lot i guess...the biggest is me and shaun (best friend/room-mate) had decided to move out of our apartment and get a 2 bedroom together because we were completely sick of the place we are currently living at...but for some reason we both felt like we were supposed to stay here...then we talked to one of our other room mates, bill and expressed our thoughts, "we think this place is dirty, ugly, and no one takes care of it"...so after talking we decided, well, it's incredibly cheap rent, the biggest plus ever, and we thought, why don't we just stick the extra money we'd be spending on rent for a few months and get this place fixed up..so our list went something like this "COUCHES"...and that was the biggest one...
we find out about this auction that has great deals on used hotel materials..and we head over saturday morning to look at whatever we can pick up for the place..well a few hours later and not so much bought, we leave, but need something to transport our 'warez'...so we go and rent a truck, the last one sitting there..so for the last two days we've had a beast of a GMC Sierra, makes me want a truck soooo bad...anyways...we go to some other stores cuase we want a couch right, so we end up at a store called 'home sense' now this is where things get really agrivating, my day went to shit at this point...we walk in and see this amazing couch and we sit on it...sooo comfortable...shaun looks over and sees the price tag...501.00, there are two tags above it that say "999.99", now home sense is supposed to be the "winner's" of the funishing/ home decor world, so we are thinking this is just the deal of the century. our next thought was, well that's alot of money, but also, this is a beautiful couch and we need one really bad cause the things we are sitting on right now at home just suck, smell like piss and aren't really all that comfortable in the first place. we call bill and say, "Got a pricey couch, but we think it's worth it" bill says "go for it"...i head back in and say "I want that couch"...this little girl that is supposed to, or is feeling all important says to me in this snotty little voice "you do realize that is a 2500.00 couch right?", i says "excuse me, it's a 501.00 couch cause that's what ur price tag says." ...well, this is a joke, the damn store's pricing system doesn't make tags that print 4 digit numbers...so they have to put 3 tags that TOTAL 2499.00 and not just one. i made them call the manager up to the front and she walks up and says "can i help you" i says "well, i'm just wondering why your tags are unbelievably missleading to your customers" well she tries to play the innocent "what do you mean" ...well damnit lady, every store in the world when a product is on sale or deduced puts a new tag on and leaves the old one so you see how much you can potentially save buying that product. the only thing she said was "your not hte first to complain about this and you won't be the last"...oh come on...give me a break you are useless....so i just left it at "well i suggest you get that fixed cause your system is flaud and terribly missleading."... AND the couch was NOT worth that much I.M.H.O.
we walked out upset and i'll maybe never go shop there again, except for their great pirces on bed linens...so me and shaun look up to the sky and scream "LORD VINDICATE US"...well the next morning we wake up cause we need to do some more 'home renovation shopping' and we decide, let's check out the sears outlet store, shaun thought they only sold clothing, but we go to check it out anyways...well we see a 'furniture' sign and bolt it to the back, we start looking at these couches and they are nice, a whole chunk of this huge warehouse dedicated to couches/loveseats/chairs, and we look at hte prices, not bad, but still pricey, but acouple we might concider...well 5 minutes into our looking shaun sits on a couch and looks over and there is a sign that is printed on EVERY couch but we've seemed to have missed up till this point, well it reads "for this long weekend only buy one couch get the second of equal or lesser value FREE"...we look at each other and must've shit ourselves cause this is just to good to be true, so we walked out of there with a couch and a free 500.00 matching chair, PLUS a brand new washer for 300.00 no tax....the lord does vindicate...of this i am sure...needless to say, we've spent a hord of money, allthough it's all sitting on my C/C right now and i'm freakin' out..but that's ok i guess

so this is the bing thing here right now, fixing my dwelling, and it feels so good....a huge thing i've learned, it's not necessarily about where you live, or even that at all, but it's about what you do with the space you are living in...we've just painted the kitchen/dining room today, and we've brought our new furniture in etc...and the place feels more homey than ever..i actually don't mind it...it's about living with people that give a damn about the place you keep and keeping it up...so i'm excited about where i'm living now, and looking forward to making improvements to it....yes, i'm more worried about paying off the dirty debt that's accumulated on my CC's, but i know that won't take to long...

oh, and if anyone that reads this ever wonders....i got a 100% on my last test at work in training...pretty stoked about that..cause i'm pretty sure i have the highest average in the class now, and you pick your shift by what 'level' your grade is at...one more test and then we decide what shift we get, probably next week some time...monday or tuesday i think... so i'm hoping i get to pick my shift...give myself the best possible shift out of the 5 or 6 they give us for choice...or even up to 9 different shifts..it's an odd way to do it..but if i'm on top i don't mind so much....30 hrs a week, maybe i can line myself up with a nice 10-4 scenario...sleep in, get home early...make more than all my room mates...i'm ok with that...well, i'd have to work a few more hours to make more..but the nice thing is that i guess picking up extra shifts is incredibly easy...so i figure i can probably work a good 30-40 hrs a week, and hopefully i can put a bid in for a full time position opening in january... that would be nice..pay raise...full time.i could live with that

well, that was to much writing for me...i need to get to bed...6:00am comes way to early

Work, Life and all things inbetween

Yes, i know it's been a while since i wrote here, and seeing as though this is only my second post, well, i guess i can't say i'm doing to good at it.

-Family - i love my family, and after spending a week and a half with them, i've realized once again how much they truly mean to me. Not that i ever forgot that of course. But when life gets busy we seem to forget the true things in life. One of the true things in my life is my family. True meaning something that defines my life, defines who i am, what choices i make in life and deffinitely a huge part of why and how i am the man i am today (hoping it's allright of course). And to see my family upset, sad, or hurting in any way pains me to the core. I realize alot of things when i'm around my family, alot about why people live, and it brings alot of questions up about why i live, or why i live the way i live, or where i live. For a good amount of time now i've thought that the major thing holding me back from being in cornwall with my family was the fear of loosing the connection i have with God, or my relationship with Him. But having been in some of the hardest moments of my life in the last 6 months, meaning i question often why i believe and live for what i live for, i wonder how different it would be if i was not in this place. This place (TO) was so instrumental in bringing me back to life. I needed to get out of town, walk away from a life of depression and hurt and pain and walk into something powerful. And i did. And now i'm standing on the edge of "now that i've come this far, learned so much, where do i head now?!?". I can say i haven't had thoughts of suicide since i've been here, i haven't longed to walk away from life. Yet recently i've longed to walk away from the things i've learned, the things i've 'adopted' as my 'core beliefs'. I guess one of the biggest things i've learned being here is what is keeping me here. Walking away does nothing, walking away from destiny that is. I walked away from a life that was going to get me killed from my own hands, that was a good walking away. But walking away from the very things in your heart you know you are supposed to do, i've learned that doing that gets you no where. So i find myself stripped away from my family again, the ones i love so dearly, the little ones that don't even know my face because their uncle bob is not there. I got quiet before i left, because the pain in my heart was almost to much to bear. A burst of tears was the only way i knew how to cope with what i was feeling. And as much as i enjoy and know that my life in toronto is what i need to be running after right now, it gets harder and harder leaving that city, the one i grew up lothing, the one that i visited ONLY for family, and now a part of me wishes i was calling 'home' again...

-Work - Started a new job today. It never ceases to amaze me how simplistic some companies make their training programs. I walk into the building nervous and wondering "will i be able to handle this" and walk out saying "did it really need to take 45 minutes to explain how to 'log in' and 'log out' of that program?".. oh and seeing as though i've only worked in one call centre, i was thinking that the whole 'call centre' aspect was a pretty tough one. I'm starting to realize (don't forget this is only the first day and so things could drastically change) that my first experience in this line of work was a damn good one. The amount of information they packed into my brain to get the job done was incredulous, the programs we used where suffistocated and numerous. Today when i asked "so when do we learn the rest of the programs?" the reply i got was "that's it, you just use the one we've given you, and the intranet and information database." ....uhhhh...ok, so maybe this job is going to be easy, and then again maybe it won't, i will not rest on the fact that it is going to be easy, specially after the first day. But what i've had so far, points down the road that has a shaded rest stop every 10 feet. This gives me only one idea, i will give it my best shot, and see where it takes me. There is loads of room for advancment, and i'm ready to advance myself.
On another job note, i believe my time at the TACF Riverside Cafe is at an end. I've realize i do not need to be money hungry, allthough having an exorbitant amount of money is fine by me, but at the same time, working in a place that just gets under my skin the whole time i am there is just not worth the paycheque...specially when i don't need it in the first place. And i've got this feeling that i'm walking into this new job with a certain favour of a God that is big enough to get me some very serious promotions...

So, all things put into perspective, less money means less toys...but only for a little while longer. I'm good for the next couple monthes. This week and next week i work at the cafe. When i finish my training in 5 weeks i have some contract work that will take me probably 2-3 weeks and then i'll work part time at my new job till full time is available. i won't be strapped for cash, that's for sure.

I wonder where this life is...

So, here's a blog, this is my first post and I'm still wondering what I'm going to write about here. Hell, i don't even know who's going to read it, but if ya do, i hope you walk away with something, even if it's just a smile.

So here we go...

- Went golfing yesterday, shot my best game yet, a whopping 92. So, i guess that isn't that good, but i had some good points to it, 4 pars, all on par 4's which makes me happy. At least it wasn't on cheezy par 3's..allthough makes me wonder why i wasn't getting par on those 3's. My goal while being in cornwall for these 2 weeks was to break 90. I'm not thinking that will happen because as of right now the weather for this week is not looking favourable for the golf course getting put to good use.

- Been writing a book these last couple weeks, haven't gotten around to it in the last week actually, but the first week got 25 pages written. I'll think about putting a snipit of it on here to see what people think.

- I've been looking at getting a computer lately, and Microsoft's new "Window's XP Media Center Edition" really caught my eye. It's got style, easy functionality and runs smooth. What's really got me pissed is that Microsoft, a corporation that doesn't need more money as far as ..well, everyone is concerned, is not selling this O.S. individually but you have to buy it as a package from an 'authorized Media Center PC seller' which of course is only authorized by Microsoft. So it's stupid stores that either sell bulk computers that don't have the greatest of experts on hand, or they are the really expensive stores (ie. radio shack, the Brick etc...). This is just rediculous, so i've gone on a quest to find out what i need to do to take a computer i want to build (or have built for me) and make it into a Media Centre without giving into the Microsoft idiot's. Oh sure, let me point out that i'll be purchasing Microsoft Window's XP Home Edition for my new computer, but i won't bend over to much for them...

My thoughts for today, not so many of them, what can i say i'm on vacation...