life...damn

Well, i'll tell you this much. Two weeks out of work and you begin to wonder if you've made the right decision. I find myself thinking about all the things i could be doing with my time, yet i sit through day after day unmotivated to do anything at all. The addiction of doing damn near nothing is HUGE. The promise of a tomorrow with no limits floods me with thoughts about all the things i could do. I could write that book i started, damn i started well, and got 3 chapters done, and then BOOM, just put it down, stopped writing, and why? i have no idea. I could pick up that paint i bought a year and a half ago and sit down infront of that canvas that i bought, sketch out one of the many ideas i've had over the last 2 years, all of which i remember, none of which i've put time into. Oh Oh, i could read one of the 3 books i'm in the middle (not including the bible, which is a damn good book imho, what greater place to look for direction and councel when i'm at such a crucial point of my life for making a decision). so what do i do, well i sit on the internet, meaning well of course, looking through job sites, looking through college sites, looking through a whole F&^k load of absolutely nothing to be honest. waisted another day, as i sit here at 11:00pm, tired, why am i tired?!? ..i didn't crawl my sorry ass out of bed till 12:30....yesterday it was 2:15pm...and i went to bed before 1am...
all this and i quit a job i was about to be promoted to a $16+/hr plus 2-400/month in commission. sure that's not HUGE money, not like some people i know blah blah blah..it's a whole lot more than i've ever made and a whole lot more than i even need to live on. rent this next month...less than 250.00 that's INCLUDING all of my bills and utilities.
yet i'm convinced that quitting my job was the right thing to do. waiting, even for a God that i know loves me is a hard thing to do. where does motivation come from. how do i find the motivation to get up, and get my ass in gear into so many things i could profit from. Right now my day has consisted of ...NOTHING. tomorrow, what kind of result will i accomplish, what kind of purpose will i have fulfilled. i fear nothing, yet i hope there will be motivation in my day, motivation in my morning when i wake up.

motivation
n 1: the psychological feature that arouses an organism to action toward a desired goal; the reason for the action; that which gives purpose and direction to behavior; "we did not understand his motivation"; "he acted with the best of motives" [syn: motive, need] 2: the condition of being motivated; "his motivation was at a high level" 3: the act of motivating; providing incentive [syn: motivating]

so what arouses this organism. I'm the organism, the next part i need to work on is 'desired goal'. where does my incentive come from, who provides me with my incentive and my goal, so i can stand up, get into my desired task and head toward my goal.

so maybe tomorrow i will wake up and write down a goal... maybe a goal for my week, sure tomorrow is friday so my first goal might take me into next week. maybe it's just a chapter in my book, maybe it's a sketch, or find my wife....holy shit, that came out of nowhere didn't it, well, that is a good goal, but i fear it might take more than a week.

oh, and wives, or women, or whatever have you. being at a wedding, and having all day to think about life, leaves me with at least 20minutes a day, or is that an hour, thinking about my life including only me. single, 22 years of single. that's a damn long time, and ur left most of the time with the finger pointing directly at me. It's an odd thing, you want so bad to be connected to someone, and that someone, whoever it is for yourself, or myself at the time, whatever reasons have been given or been relayed, even though you fully believe in that reason, and fully believe in the truth and the validity of that person, you still end up with your finger pointed directly at myself. my problem, my fault, my issue, whatever an issue is.
ahh it's all to complicated and i'm to tired to think about it anymore. guess i need to go receive the counseling of the 'counselor'..the one they call holy spirit, i hear he's a pretty damn good counselor, shoud step into his office. anyone know the address....

whatever, i'm out...life is to complicated....

"it's about the man next to you, and that's it, that's all it is..."