i think...

i think i've realized something.

sometimes i get really nervous if i'm supposed to lead worship. and i think i just realized why it is that i get really nervous sometimes.... it's because it's a team sport..
and when you're playing with a team that you don't know, or that you think doesn't want to be there, or that you aren't used to playing with...it leaves something, that is all about the heart, a very precarious, worrisome event.

like...if i ask someone to play with me, and they have to see if they can fit it in their schedule, not if they can make it happen, but if they can 'fit it in'...then it's really not all that encouraging...
questions like "do you really need someone"...or "if you can find someone else that'd be great"..

i don't know....it's aded stress i just don't want right now...that's the long and short of it...
when, this shouldn't even be a stress thing...
i could stand up there by myself and do it... but who really likes to play alone...

It's not even about trying to find people...it's about finding people that have the same heart, that connect, that want to grow in it, not just suffer through it... do i smell funny?!?

strain on the muscles....soooo goood/bad...good...i don't know

after a full week of not having been able to get to the gym, i finally got there last night. did my full circuit routine and walked out feeling so nice.
i don't know if this has ever happ....wait..i KNOW this has never happened to me.. that i actually 'want' to go to the gym, that i enjoy it, that it's something that's not only part of my day, but an enjoyable part of my day, and my day just don't feel complete without it. how's that for a mystery huh?

onto the other troubling bit of information. i've been sick for almost 2 weeks...again, it feels like i have been nothing but sick this year. i'm really looking forward to a moment of health...
yesterday was decent...and then today, right now, i'm feeling much worse..
i was feeling good this morning, throat hurt a very small amount...but now, i'm back to being in much pain just from swallowing....no, not vania swallowing...
oops..

anyways...

and then...

And then it hits me...

i'm still so lonely, searching, looking, longing for that friend that I don't fully know.
I realize this as i sit here and my heart, yes, my heart, as retarded as that sounds, is begging and crying out to play video games... i know what you're thinking "Video Games?!?! Rob, that's just pizza, or something"...but the truth is friends, i haven't had pizza in weeks.
Video Games, because the types of Video Games i played were MMORPG...Massively Multi-player Online Role Playing Games. Meaning, You play with thousands of people, you have a common goal, no one really knows who you are because you are a character in a game, meaning, you can be anything you want, or at least, what really is seen is your 'character', your personality if you will. Well, to be honest, i really love my personality, i think i'm a funny, lovable, enjoyable guy, however, i really don't like who i am physically (i'm working on it, and in fact, i was in a place where i gave my testimony as to when God actually told me "hey, you are beautiful..." and it really hit me again that what i look like doesn't matter, that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and who holds the whole world in His hands?...our God, so i guess he's the beholder of all huh?)
anyways. It's much easier to hide than to teach yourself the truth....and so this longing, this really deep longing to hide, to disapear into a character that conquers worlds, that kills the beast that everyone loves and wants to be around...sounds really really apetizing right now...
Thankfully i cancelled that subscription....

see, these games conquer two parts of your heart, and that's why they are so addictive. You get to hide, be someone else, be something that is kewl, something that is powerful, something that is straight up Baddass...AND, it feeds that desire for power, it feeds that desire to conquer, to reign, and of course most of these games have a very spiritual aspect to them, (or at least the ones i played do) and so you are left with this need to have spiritual power, without the 'reading and praying part'...all you need to do is complete a quest by killing some dragons, or goblins, or ghosts and you get a new spell, that will burn with a fire of your gods and iluminate your way and burn the infernal enemies that stand before you....

yes, i know it sounds so exciting doesn't it?...in fact...a good friend of mine used to ask me why i didn't read the bible, and instead i read the devil-book....now, he's laughing as he reads this, and the rest of you (all 1 of you that read this site) have absolutely no idea what i'm talking about...
but friend, i'll have you know, i haven't read the devil book in a long time, yet, i did read my bible this morning...

so, i'm left with this desire to fight, to conquer, but mostly, i'm left with this burning desire to be accepted....loved....covered, and lead...leading and learning....growing...but really....accepted.

i think i'll work for a while longer, then hit up the gym...

what's up with that?!?

this is such a quick entry,
so if you come here for some meat, you will be sorely disapointed...i'm sorry...

but i just had this crazy thought.

I had lunch today with a couple of people i absolutely adore, who happen to be a 'couple'...a married couple that is, and i've been sitting here thinking (and working, don't get all bent out of shape, jeez, i can multi-task like it's nobody's business....like...it's not your business, see, that's how much i can multi-task. wow, that saying makes no sense, none what-so-ever).
So anyways, it got me thinking. Why is it that married couples, hang out with other married couples, and the rest of us single folk really only hang out with these 'married' couples once we are in fact a couple of our own. So, to hang out with a married couple, i would in fact have to become a married couple (which, if you haven't noticed, is quite difficult...and if it was easy for you i don't want to hear about it :P ).

anyways. It's just an observation, not entirely true, as in, 100% true, but i'd wager it's a good 90% true. Or maybe it's just true around here.
I don't know.

I think what really got me thinking about it was the fact that i started thinking about becoming a married couple (that sounds weird...but, you know what i mean). Anyways, i had this flash thought "is it because i think that will gain me another level of acceptance?"

guess it's back to the drawing board on this whole sonship / orphan thing huh?
yay for things triggering stuff in your heart you don't really want to deal with...yet, you really want to deal with, because it might just make life that much more exciting...

anyways,

that's about all i got for now, so you'll have to forgive the useless yet, un-exciting comment.