Halloweenie?!?!? Ur mom's a weenie...

I don't celebrate Halloween, I celebrate the harvest. WHAT!??!?!
I don't know where I was going with that, but if ya think about it isn't it odd that the church instead of celebrating "Halloween" they all throw together a 'harvest party' and hope that their children go to that, and maybe bring other neighbourhood children to it as well. I guess maybe it's a decent idea. However, i do have this to ask, when was the last time u were at a 'good' 'harvest party'....most of them end up rather dissapointing, and you still gotta go out and buy the candy, because they always hand out candy at these events, so have you really not supported the 'holiday'. you bought candy, rented/made/bought a costume for the evening. Sure ur celebrating a good thing, ur coming together in the unity of the christian community, which is a good thing, quite frankly i don't thing we do that enough (ever read the new testament, they knew what community and family in a christian context was). But you've bought in to everything EXCEPT trick-or-treating. so have we gotten anywhere, i just don't know. alot of christians i know need a good scare, maybe they should allow scary costumes at these events (most churchs say 'no scary costumes')...
But enough about the harvest, here's to the real question at hand. So, i wanted to hand out candy this year, i really did, i had FULL intent to. One major downfall to that thought, i don't have money right now, and that candy is damn expensive. So, i don't have candy. In the thought of "i'm probably going to have kids nocking on my door" i didn't put up any decorations, NONE, my door in the hallway to the townhouse complex i live in is completely bair, AND the outside door, which is onto my patio, which i would imagine people wouldn't come to any ways, is bare as well. I wouldn't expect people to come to that one because most of the people in our row have fences surrounding thier patio's. So, where have kids been knocking, well, on BOTH doors. lots of them. children everywhere, my first reaction was to be an outright oaf, just sloppy, mean etc... but the kids, so cute. oh goodness. i had a witch, and a princess, a pumpkin and a dragon ninja, man, all kinds of them. And i felt so bad not having candy for them. Sooo, finally i got fed up, couldn't handle tellin' the little kiddies i didn't have candy, i wrote "No Candy Left...Sorry" on a piece of toilet paper, so i've got a string of toilet paper hanging on my door....sure it might be sick, but i figure no respectable mother, or father (well maybe the fathers) would let their childern knock on a door that has toilet paper hanging on it.

Playing Champions of Norrath today (http://championsofnorrath.station.sony.com/) , get to the end of the game, and how it works, ya kill the end bad guy, but if ya don't well then ur game ends, and it puts you back to where you last saved, well moron me didn't save just before i walk in. here's a taste of how bad that is, i had gotten a 2h weapon that was critical hitting for about 7300hp on a slam, and i didn't save, so i lost that item. now i don't have that item. it's tragic... and haven't seen an item that good again yet. it hurt...it hurt bad... but really video games are a pastime children, don't let them overtake ur life.

so, it's halloween, i don't have candy, i didn't hand any out, i haven't even eaten supper, odd..

life...damn

Well, i'll tell you this much. Two weeks out of work and you begin to wonder if you've made the right decision. I find myself thinking about all the things i could be doing with my time, yet i sit through day after day unmotivated to do anything at all. The addiction of doing damn near nothing is HUGE. The promise of a tomorrow with no limits floods me with thoughts about all the things i could do. I could write that book i started, damn i started well, and got 3 chapters done, and then BOOM, just put it down, stopped writing, and why? i have no idea. I could pick up that paint i bought a year and a half ago and sit down infront of that canvas that i bought, sketch out one of the many ideas i've had over the last 2 years, all of which i remember, none of which i've put time into. Oh Oh, i could read one of the 3 books i'm in the middle (not including the bible, which is a damn good book imho, what greater place to look for direction and councel when i'm at such a crucial point of my life for making a decision). so what do i do, well i sit on the internet, meaning well of course, looking through job sites, looking through college sites, looking through a whole F&^k load of absolutely nothing to be honest. waisted another day, as i sit here at 11:00pm, tired, why am i tired?!? ..i didn't crawl my sorry ass out of bed till 12:30....yesterday it was 2:15pm...and i went to bed before 1am...
all this and i quit a job i was about to be promoted to a $16+/hr plus 2-400/month in commission. sure that's not HUGE money, not like some people i know blah blah blah..it's a whole lot more than i've ever made and a whole lot more than i even need to live on. rent this next month...less than 250.00 that's INCLUDING all of my bills and utilities.
yet i'm convinced that quitting my job was the right thing to do. waiting, even for a God that i know loves me is a hard thing to do. where does motivation come from. how do i find the motivation to get up, and get my ass in gear into so many things i could profit from. Right now my day has consisted of ...NOTHING. tomorrow, what kind of result will i accomplish, what kind of purpose will i have fulfilled. i fear nothing, yet i hope there will be motivation in my day, motivation in my morning when i wake up.

motivation
n 1: the psychological feature that arouses an organism to action toward a desired goal; the reason for the action; that which gives purpose and direction to behavior; "we did not understand his motivation"; "he acted with the best of motives" [syn: motive, need] 2: the condition of being motivated; "his motivation was at a high level" 3: the act of motivating; providing incentive [syn: motivating]

so what arouses this organism. I'm the organism, the next part i need to work on is 'desired goal'. where does my incentive come from, who provides me with my incentive and my goal, so i can stand up, get into my desired task and head toward my goal.

so maybe tomorrow i will wake up and write down a goal... maybe a goal for my week, sure tomorrow is friday so my first goal might take me into next week. maybe it's just a chapter in my book, maybe it's a sketch, or find my wife....holy shit, that came out of nowhere didn't it, well, that is a good goal, but i fear it might take more than a week.

oh, and wives, or women, or whatever have you. being at a wedding, and having all day to think about life, leaves me with at least 20minutes a day, or is that an hour, thinking about my life including only me. single, 22 years of single. that's a damn long time, and ur left most of the time with the finger pointing directly at me. It's an odd thing, you want so bad to be connected to someone, and that someone, whoever it is for yourself, or myself at the time, whatever reasons have been given or been relayed, even though you fully believe in that reason, and fully believe in the truth and the validity of that person, you still end up with your finger pointed directly at myself. my problem, my fault, my issue, whatever an issue is.
ahh it's all to complicated and i'm to tired to think about it anymore. guess i need to go receive the counseling of the 'counselor'..the one they call holy spirit, i hear he's a pretty damn good counselor, shoud step into his office. anyone know the address....

whatever, i'm out...life is to complicated....

"it's about the man next to you, and that's it, that's all it is..."

Follow your Heart, or your Mind?!?

It's incredible when you follow the instinct in your heart what happens. I've felt for a good 2 months i was in the wrong job, it wasn't right and it wasn't everything that God had for me, everyday i felt this uncanny urge to quit my job. During the day it was just work, and somehow i had this way of getting through it for a while, but i would go home at night and feel from the moment i got home to the moment i fell asleep that i was in the wrong thing, that my job just wasn't right. Then i get to a point that i can't handle it, i get sick one day and the next day i'm unable to motivate myself for work, and still feeling a touch ill i call in, the next day (third day sick) i go into the doctor and he tells me i need two more days off. After that point work was killing me..not slowly like someone would write a song about, but killing me damn fast. And it got to a point where everyday i would be debating whether or not i should quit my job. How do you live with that stress and uncertainty of life on your shoulders at EVERY moment?
and everyone yyou talk to means well, incredibly well, but their advice is all very practical, and you are fighting with an 'unpractical, fully spiritual, not-about-money' point of your life. It was a HUGE fight, everyday wondering if i was in the wrong spot, wondering if i was fooling myself every morning geting up and working for something i couldn't believe in.
So, this past week, i call in sick on wednesday, not cause i'm sick, but cause i can't go into work, i can't get myself to do it. I sit at home all day debating on whether or not to keep my job. everything practical was at the forefront of my mind, i went out for lunch with my 'rents' on the sunday before and they fed me the practical side of life, "You need to work cause it's just what you do"...well life hasn't been making so much sense in my mind since i've been wanting to follow my heart.

well thursday morning i decided, against everything 'practical', to quit my job...called my manager and said those much anticipated words "i don't think this company is working for me, i'm handing in my resignation." i was expecting a "we need 2 weeks notice." or something of the sort. well theyh just say "ok, come in with a letter of resignation and we'll get your last cheque out to you with your record of employment." so, it was alot easier than i thought. And now i feel the most peace i've felt in a long time, months even...probably within the last year i haven't felt this much peace and that i'm actually following God for the first time..in a long time..probably since i promised him i would come to school in toronto and actually followed through with it... So i feel like i'm walkin' in the right direction...debt right behind me and my future ahead of me...... just hoping i walk into a good situation...which i figure i will


heading for PR in three days, i can't wait..vacation time is good time, but i'd love to go to a wedding sometime soon and just enjoy it lol... i end up doing stuff at all the weddings i've been going to lately...this one i'm singing at..i'm an usher at the next one...was best man/singer/mc for the last one....wow..gotta just get married myself....sure that's busier..but that's ok...so many weddings and i'm still single....i gotta get hooked up with someone soon or i'm gonna snap...naw..not that bad...oh wait..YES, yes it is

seattle lost again today...not impressed..sure they were playing New England and i wasn't entirely banking on a win, however, after last weeks horrible upset i was hoping they would pick it up and win..but guess not

i got a whole lot nothin' more to say...laterz