not that bad......my bad

well, that last post was how i was feeling that day...sorry for alarming some of you...not my intent (purely... :P )
life is just....very interesting lately, it's very up and down and all around and i'm trying very hard to make sense of what God is doing in my life. why and when and how and all the amazing questions we ask ourselves when our hearts hurt. isn't that the kicker...it's when our hearts hurt that we ask questions. when, all along i knew these things sat dormant in my heart (although not to the depth and extent i have seen them recently).
It seems that when you want to give your heart another chance at being itself and being free, you very quickly find out what it is your heart is willing and not willing to do.
for instance. Out of nowhere i realized that i don't trust the human heart...not mine, not yours, not anyone around me. And the last 2 weeks have been trying to figure out why i don't trust the heart and how i can correct that, because as John Eldridge so correctly points out....the human heart is good.
Created in God's image, i sit here wondering how God would look if he looked like me...
My mind and heart 'made new' by the power of God, i wonder as to the mind and heart of God...
Doing only what i see the Father doing...NOT EVEN CLOSE

It's amazing how you notice things about yourself when your not even looking. i've been sitting in a classroom all week long seeing all the things around me that sometimes make me wonder...by"all the things around me" i mean a multitude of situations that really make me think as well as really provoke me to act on what i know is true in my heart... (Notice that wonderful use of my heart)

Sitting on the subway 2 days ago on my way downtown to go to a course that I'm taking right now, i look across the subway and someone there is reading a book. "wow, a book, that's a brilliant idea, i've been saying i haven't had enough time to read lately, i should've brought a book."
So i sit there and think, "Meh, bring a book, there's not enough time, i'm on a buss, then switch to subway, then a few moments later i switch again, and then i'm there."
Who am i trying to kid, seriously, that one sentance makes it sound oh so easy and quick, but in reality it's an hour of travel. and an hour is if i'm lucky, i spent over an hour and a half today due to 'complications'....known as SNOW.
Well, there i sit, no book, might as well pray. So i asks our good Lord this question.
"God, what do you think of the day?"
and this is what i hear (to my shock and to my horror)
"These people aren't saved and they need my Son, Jesus..."
"God, what do you think of the day?" I say again...
I wanted so badly to get rid of that thought. Not because it isn't true, not because of the reality of it, but because of the thought that came next...which also shocked and horrified me.
"would you stand up and yell across this whole subway train that you are in, telling them that Jesus died for them and loves them and wants to save them?"

so i stick to what i know...
"God, what do you think of the day?"

There's the Kingdom of Heaven just BEGGING to be brought to earth. eveyrwhere you look, everywhere you walk, travel, sit, stand, .....EVERYWHERE...the kingdom of God is just begging to be unleashed in a wild, vibrant way.
How's the kingdom come to earth when the citizen's of the kingdom can't even stand up for what they believe? this is my question. It's a harsh reality, one i don't particularly want to face, but it's the truth. I am afraid so much of what people will say, that i keep quiet to keep order. But there is no order, and there should be no fear...where to next?!?!

I'm sitting there in the class i'm taking, and a very short conversation springs up at my table about the person next to me having a very sore back. Oh sure it's better today, she can bend over and such, she says. But it's still sore.
What do you suppose my first thought is?

"Perfect opportunity to pray and see the sick healed...the kingdom come"

Second thought,
"Yah right"

I'm disappointed, yet, i'm hopeful, because my hope is that someday i'll have that courage to step out and just do what Jesus says.

When i was on the subway i had a flash thought of a business man coming up to me and handing me an envelope full of money and saying "this is for you..."
Now THIS story is more to MY liking...and i'm left with the thought
I want the Kingdom for me, but i have yet to stand up for the kingdom that's saved me.

R.A. Salvatore (yes alyn, the writer of the devil book...or the 'good book') said, through his brilliant character Caderley in the "Cleric Quintet"
"People don't heal the sick because they are more concerned about their own failures rather than the ailment and pain on the person infront of them."

Now i care plenty about what goes on around me, i care that the person sitting next to me has a sore back, that the subway i'm on is full of people that are not heading to heaven, and yet, i'm left with this nagging thought of "what will they think" or "God forbid, what if God doesn't do it?"
What a foolish way to think. I think God won't show up to heal someone, or save someone, or give someone hope, when it was HIS idea in the first place. Like he doesn't love me enough so He's going to make me out to be a fool.
I realized that it's not what i think about the other person, i know with everything in me, and believe with everything inside of me that God wants to heal, save, forgive etc... but i'm so afraid of what is going to happen to ME. And that's the killer. I'm to afraid of what will happen to me. Oh if only i could get over myself.

I await the day that courage fills me and i'm able to step out...but what is courage but love, and what is love, but the opposite of fear. If I'm afraid, and i love instead, i will step out. Think about that. Love is the motivation behind the action. Love is what lets me bring forth a solution to a problem or bring forth the realit of the Kingdom that i live in, instead of the kingdom that i see before me. Fear is what works against me, but fear in of itself is easily conquered with love.

Who would have known the Black Eyed Peas would have had the whole thing sitting there in their hands when they so eloquently said,
"my hump, my hump my hump my hump...my hump my hump my hump...my lovely lady lumps..."

CRAP...wrong song...i meant...
"Where is the love, where is the love, where is the love, where is the love, the love the love......"

Love conquers all things....covers a multitude of sins.....and saved my soul