All the well meaning...

Why is it that when a person is hurt and falls over, but sits there for a while, and lets him/herself get used to the pain, it's just easy to stay seated and not deal with the pain?
Why is it that people who deal with a certain pain (ie. i have incredibly bad feet problems, which in turn throw out my ankles, knees and back), and have been dealing with that pain for a long time, just get used to it, put up with it and live on. live on with the pain, expecting no change what so ever.
Pain + Time = Tolerance to Pain = No Change
x+y=xy=abc (ok, i swear i won't try and make any mathematical equations anymore)

This equation can be put into use for every facet of ones life. Physical pain, Heart pain, Emotional status, spiritual well being, marital status...whatever you are going through, blindly or in full awareness of, this equation will apply.
I heard a man once say, 'We are so used to feeling/being 'bad' that when things start to go well, start to go in our favour, we instantly start to expect the 'bad' to return'.
Brings us to another equation that takes care of the 'good'.
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experience -> belief -> expectation -> behaviour -> experience
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Now this isn't particularly an 'equation' as much as it is a cycle that is quite evident in most peoples lives, if not all, and will be part of almost, if not all, situations in your life.
ex. - I clean kitchen (experience) -> Move says "thank you, i love you" (builds belief) -> If i clean, mom will love me (expectation) -> I now live life working very hard to 'earn' love (behaviour) -> people like me because of what i can do for them (experience)

now you can see how this would slowly turn for the worse, in what happens if i work real hard and someone tells me to F*** off, you did a shitty job. Oh man, new experience that is going to breed a new belief/expectation. "Working hard doesn't get me anything"etc...

now, where does this play into everyday life...first the equation.

I'll be honest, i don't handle change well. In fact i handle it in all the wrong ways. Especially knowing the truth so greatly, yet, disreguarding it as easily as throwing a hair net on the ground (we'll get to that later..remind me).
So, i find myself in a rough spot in life, (insert whole last post). And instead of talking about it, finding out what to do, letting my heart grow...i shut down. I turn back to cigarettes, which i had stopped for 5 months, felt amazing, voice kicked ass etc... i buy a video game, (same style i was addicted to 5 years ago, playing 20hrs a day some days...at least 8-12 a day anyways), but of course this time will be different right, i conquered that addiction right good, pornography, masturbation, smoking, movies, tv, whatever, anything to numb the brain so that i don't have to think about my current situation, so i don't have to deal with the shit inside of me that needs dealing with so desperately. As much as i love drinking, i haven't become an alcoholic, which is almost suprising somedays. Ok, so handle change well....doubtful.
Wallow (thank you dictionary.com) in my self pity and anquish...damn right i'm good at that.

What brings change? I mean, i find myself here, in this state i'm in, as pathetic and self degrading as it is, wondering why i should change. Seriously. I enjoy video games, i enjoy watching movies and sitting and doing nothing. I brings me a sense of ease i guess, it takes no effort to sit and do nothing, obviously.
now, ask me 6 months ago about all of this and i'd be flying high, i'd be gung-ho about christianity, about God, about the Truth, because i was sitting in that. But that got to hard. Ever feel like a complete wimp.
All equations, all cycles, all the shit aside. I feel like a fucking wimp.
I feel nothing like a man, i am nothing that i should be. Given the teaching, the experience and the life that i've been in for the last 4 years, and to still be dealing with the exact same shit i was dealing with 5 years ago....pathetic, i'm a damn wimp. I got nothin...

this isn't a down and out sob story. It's the reality of looking at oneself.
why can't i change?...i don't rely on God enough, i don't have enough will power?!?!..what are the reasons, why can't i change and stay changed? I focus on the wrong things, i don't keep up the winning attitude....WTF...who knows. Why can't people who get freedom hold onto freedom.

Why, sitting at 420lbs, do i have ZERO desire to loose a single pound. I should have every reason in the world to loose that shit. I should have no problem waking up in the morning saying "ROB....WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING TO YOURSELF....wake up man!!!"

Do i deserve change? I guess i think i don't. I don't deserve change because i've made myself this way, because i have no reason to change, or can't see the reason to change, and if i can't see it, why the hell should i deserve it, or go after it. and all the people in all the world can say to you the 'right thing' "you can do it buddy" "you're a winner"....

Jump inside my body and look down.....feel that winner inside....he don't exist.
10+ years of anything will bear down on you like an anvil stuck to your back. brings me back to that damn equation doesn't it. My pain has become me. as sick and disturbing as that is. it's the viewpoint of myself and countless others. I am this way, who the hell would care, and how on earth could i ever change it....

I had an absolutely wonderful conversation with a dear friend of mine, someone i view as a real parent in my life. She said she walked by my office at work and her heart just broke for me. That's kewl to know people care.
But i'm sick of feeling like a fucking basket case...seriously....
If i could answer "i'm doing great" to the next person that asks me how i'm doing.....when will that happen. And when will it happen that it gets to continue happening....
This same lady that i was speaking to the other day, her and her husband have to be the most real people i know. Kind, compassionate, loving, sooo dear to my heart, and they are also some of the busiest people i know, traveling the world all the time, up in years (oh lord don't anyone say i said that :P) but i have never seen them with anything but absolute love all over them. They are an inspiration to me, in more ways than they will ever know.

Cry out, desire change, desire the better in life, desire the fullness of what God has to offer you, scream at the top of your weak eternally powerful voice and reach towards a God that has more to give you than you will ever know. He won't ever let you down. I know that.

It's getting over yourself that's the hard part...