Time, Space and whatever the two shall make...

So, if you'll forgive me for a second...i'm going to go have a smoke....brb.

alright, now that we've gotten that taken care of we can type. Don't worry, i'm sure at some point in this blogging of time we shall hear me spout on about addictions and my current cigarette habit and how that's been a passing yet griping thing over the last year.

ok...firstly i would like to say, aren't we all glad that google didn't make this site www.blooger.com cause we'd all be posting pictures and comments about peoples dirty nose drippings.

secondly... back in november of 2005 (or there abouts) i wrote a post, a big long one too...and did that whole pin my heart to the wall and said "look at it...it's there...it's hurting...yet it's alive" and i got spam for it. spam in my comments, and at that point i got that warm tingly feeling only a quality spam artist can provide. I also decided that i would switch that great feature on my account to moderate all comments on my blog. For the following 13 1/2 months i wondered why no one was commenting on my blog. I thought people just stopped reading and eventually i gave up. Thought "if all of this in my heart isn't doing anything for anybody, what's the point of it and what's it doing there..."
then something compelled me to log into my blogger account today and lo-n-behold it had been taken over by the good people over at google, who make real websites :P. anyways, they also decided that it was time to remind me that i had 30 (count them, starting with "1" and ending with "30") comments that i needed to moderate and agree or disagree to...

so, i've spent the last good 45 minutes reading what you have all said to me over the last year and a bit, and i'm next to being in tears because of the heartfelt and lovely things you have all said to me. Do i blog for comments... no, but there's something to be said when a friend stands beside you and says "dude..i feel that shit....i feel it too...everyday...ur not alone".

Having said that, I must apologize and ask your forgiveness....please forgive me for neglecting (albeit quite un-intentional) all the comments you've posted to me over the last long period of time.

At this point i want to make the same promise i made just 12 months ago and say "i'm going to blog once a week, just to mentally process"... but i won't make such claims, because that in of itself might just doom me to failure...

it did another thing for me....it forced me to look back over the year and see the state of my heart on several occasions...some of which reminded me of promises and commitments i failed to withold. others reminded me of pain and hurt that i'm either free from, or still struggling with.

The heart is a funny thing. It beats on, everyday, it takes it's licks and keeps on ticking... it survives and thrives...and it gets hurt, often leaving us bruised, bloodied and hurting on the side of the road. My last year and a bit has taken me on a wild and painful journey, full of excitement, newness and conquering. I've recorded my first live worship album, i've loved and been rejected yet again, i've been convinced of success, and convinced of failure. I've lived on. I've stood on the edge of cliffs and jumped, and flew higher than i ever thought possible, and i've also fallen lower than i ever thought i could or would...

So, was 2006 a success? you better believe it. God took me through it, and i'm stronger on this side of it than i was walking into it. because i succeeded all the time? hell no, but because i bore my teeth, let out a cry of pain and torment, and walked off the field of battle, i wasnt' carried off, i walked off.

reading those posts over the last year make me think of things...things like:
- "God told you to stop smoking (told you i'd get here)...why the shit are you being such a moron and continuing on?". - failed
- started a diet - failed
- started at the gym - failed
- determined to break addictions and habits that have gripped me for years - failed
- record CD - success
- read a few good books - success
- learn more about heart and God - success...

ya know...within the failures i see success. I was reading a book earlier and it was talking about how everything we go through brings us to a place of strength because we are faced with a challenge. I realized i can't look at everything that comes at me as God turning His back, or me getting depressed about stuff. These things come at us to make us stronger...to test us...to bring us closer to a God who will do anything with, for and through us given we give him the opportunity to do so.

Steve Long was preaching on sunday about Paul, how God told him to go to Rome, and he kept giving him prophetic words from people, but everyone interpretted those words as "beware, don't go"...yet God had already told him that he must get to Rome.
one could look at that story and say Paul had been forsaken, was put through torture, almost killed, numerous times..and for what...to bring him out on the other side stronger and more reliant on God's grace, mercy and strength than ever before. What if he had given in at some point. said "ya know what, i think i'll take that 'prophetic word' and head for the hills..."
well we wouldn't know christianity as we know it today.

I've taken so much of what i've gone through in the last year as heart ache and torture...of unexplainable, uncharacteristic pain because i'm a failure. But it's been trial and testing to see how i will walk out on the other side of it. Will i walk out stronger. Closer to God, more reliant on his grace and mercy, His salvation. More confident in His greatness and Kingdom.

If i've learned one thing this year, it's that God is great, and worthy to be praised. He is the King of Kings who sits on the thrown of all heaven and earth. And we, if we can tap into that can see His kingdom come and his will be done in a way we never thought possible.

I've failed, a whole hell of a lot. who hasn't? but on the other side, I'm standing here knowing that God is great, He loves me and his plans and purposes are good. (Jer 29:11)

I have one hope for you all for 2007, myself included. That we take these challenges that life throws us head on. That the warrior that is within us stands up and fights for what we believe, what we know and what we want to see come down in our lives. I don't know what 2007 will look like, but i know that it will have it's successes, it might have some of those failures i'm afraid of. It will have love, it will have hurt and pain, yet more healing and grace because of it.

I'll blog, how often i don't know, but I'm convinced there is something in taking time to see what will happen when we sit and let our hearts spout out their insides... do it with me, sit and pour out..let your heart come alive in it's depth and wonderful beauty. It's scary, reckless, horrible and wonderful beauty. hell, you don't even have to be deep :P...just live with me...

Let's have success, and be proud in our God who gave us that success.
Let's take our defeats and our failures and learn from them, grow and continue to fight despite them.
Let's give our hearts another chance, to love, to grow, to rely and to respond.
Let's laugh.
Let's cry.
Let's look up, look high.
Let's call for the Kingdom and watch it rain down. because as a good friend of mine says..."Lord, when your Kingdom falls...NOTHING else matters....NOTHING can stand against your Kingdom God...We cry out for you Lord, We cry out for you Lord....Let your Kingdom Come...Let your will be done..."

if you look throughout 2006's posts, you'll see alot of Kingdom...the same will continue, for the kingdom is at hand...not just around the corner, not waiting to be seen, but in our hands....to call forth, to bring down, to see it come and to cry for the Will of God to be done...

Let's reach for something we didn't thinkg possible.
Let's climb high for a ledge they told us we couldn't grasp.
Let's believe the truth no matter how insane it may sound.
Let's do what we believe, because faith without works is dead.
Let's hold fast, and strong, let's cry hard and long...let's walk through the fields of battle, and walk off the other, not carried.

I'll help you if you fall,
will you help me when i fail
I'll cry when you are sad
Yet my heart will still rejoice

Your heart is worth the fight
Your heart is worth a song
A song sung by angels...
A song sung loud and clear.

I'll stand by you
I'll stand with you
I'll stand when you need a friend
I'll stand when you need a smack in the face to get back on track

Here's to 2007
Here's to life and love and war and strength.
to all those who have fallen before us
to all those we will raise from the dead...

ROB