that's alot of blog

think of all the people in the world blogging today...
"OH GOODINESS...it's new years and i haven't blogged lately....better start the year off right and blog lots"...
uh huh...

it's not everyday you wake up, look in the mirror and say "you are a total screw up, ya know that?"
yet, lately i've wanted to look in the mirror and say that everyday...
the part that pisses me off the most is that i can do shit that i look at and say "damn that was retarded..." and go ahead and do it again...or the way my mind works and reacts and questions and fights with things, i know the damn answers...the answers are simple....yet...the hardest thing i've ever had to do...
sacrifice is such a fucked up word...such a messed up concept ....and such a reality it scares the piss out of me...i odn't know how to truly sacrifice...i don't even know what it means to sacrifice...
brb...checking dictionary.com
well that helped...i still have no idea what it means..
all i know is that i wonder if i can live if i make the sacrifices i see i probably should make... and by 'probably should make', i mean 'i know i need to, but i'm to damn scared to say it'...
it's so screwed up.,....i see people that i admire so much for the choices they've made and the relationship and intimacy with God that their live styles have pulled them into, and i wonder if i want to live like that...so pathetic...
it's so dumb..i actually think "wow..i think that life is boring"...
and then i look at my life and say "but i'm so damn depressed becasue i'm caught in shit i can't stand everyday of my existence....that i actually want to walk to the mirror and look myself in the eyes and ask "how did you become such a f*** up"...
i wonder if i'll ever be willing to 'make that sacrifice'...
if i woke up this morning and felt as dumb and stupid and like such an idiot that i didn't want to even get up.....how am i supposed to feel like i can change...
i want to change...and i want to know how..and everything in me wishes it wasn't as hard as it is....but..that's not the reality of change is it...?

so, here's to 2006...
of mornings waking up and looking in the mirror and saying "Rob, you are beautiful, you are worth the fight, you are worth change and you are loved...."
of days filled with life and meaning...
of relationships that grow and blossom....
of a life that grows beyond my wildest imagination....
proclaiming what i've seen and what God's done, because it's not just for me...
taking all the love and life that God has given me...and passing it on to those who need it...
taking my dreams in my hands and letting them grow..
taking His plans into my heart and letting them explode...

change...it's good...
sacrifice..it's hard....but God willing i'll see it's worth through stepping up to the challenge


God...this one's for you.