confusion...a 4 letter word

It's absolutely amazing that when you're pretty damn sure you've settled on something, some situation, or some part of your life, you get completely blindsided by something new, or something 'else'. This may just be for me, but damn if it isn't happening a whole hell of a lot lately.

last fall i start a job, all excited, sweet, i'm gonna make money, it's going to be great cause i'll finally get some financial stability. 4 weeks into it i know that i'm supposed to quit that job cause it's just not right, God made it very clear to me that i wasn't supposed to be working there. So sure enough (after arguing for 2 months with God, myself, and everyone around me) i finally quit that job. Oh and in the meantime i manage to rack up a couple thousand more in debt thinking "i've got a good job now, i can pay it off in no time." Back to no stability.
God is so amazing. I went 7 months without a job, and my bank account went to 0.00 about 10 times in that 7 months. and i never missed a payment, and never went hungry. Hit every rent payment on time, and every bill paid on time. The bank account would get to zero and someone would call offering work for a few days, just enough to pay the bill coming in a week etc...
Then, end of january I'm left knowing that i need to move out of the place i'm in. Thinkin "i haven't had a job for over 4 months now, i should move out and i don't erally want to live where i am anymore ayways etc..." so feb 1st i have no place to live. What's the date today?!?...oh yah..June 27th, STILL no place to live. I've had about 3 different things fall through in the last 6 months.
But 2 months ago i start a great job, give them a verbal commitment to 2 years or at least till the current 'project' is taken care of (probably a year and a half to 2 years to get it up and running smoothly). so i'm set right?... got a job, i'm a manager now, decent pay, i can afford a place to live and oh yes it's grand.
Start looking for a palce to live, and almost every time i do i feel like i may just vomit, not in the 'oh i'm nervous' sort of way, but just knowing that i shouldn't be looking for a place to live. So now i'm walking into month 6 of not having a place to live.
In january i'm convinced i'm supposed to move away. I'm on my way across the country and down south a bit into the land of the USA, i'm sure that's what i'm supposed to do. Last minute, God tells me to stay in toronto.
Thank God i did. Seriously, i've had more amazing things happen to me in these last few months than i can imagine or explain, I feel more like the man i'm supposed to be than the man i was, and i've come across more revelation from God than i ever have in my whole life. And i ask myself woudl i have received that if i had left?..who knows...
take ya back to the beginning of my job. First couple weeks i'm left wondering what on earth i've gottne myself into, i don't know what i'm doing, i'm afraid i've made the wrong choice, i'm soo confused about it. I settle down into the position, get going on the goal and get my head around stuff, things going well and i'm getting some great work done.
I'm on my way to be settled right? I've got a good job, it's going well, i even had a place to live lined up for july 1st. oops, that fell through. now we're looking at august 1st, and that place is only available till end of august. So, september is when i'm looking at having a place to live that i actaully don't move out of for a while.

Then last weekend, the place i was supposed to move to in january (who couldn't offer me a job but wanted me there), calls me up and offer me a job, a place to live, a car and insurance paid...WHAT?!?!?.. oh come on. So back to no stability. questioning everything i'm doing, everything i do, everything i'm supposed to be doing. I'm so confused. I don't know what to do with my life....

"I'm thinking of getting into male modeling..." - homestarrunner.com

yah..life can be confusing sometime.
and then i'm talking to a relative this morning from holland and i'm busy so i says "sorry, no time to talk i'm at work"...fine and all she says "that's ok, give everyone my love"
BAMM, it hits me hard. i live nowhere near any of my family...who does that..who leaves their family behind and heads off to ...to...i don't know..what am i doing...oh damn i feel confused...I hate being confused..doubting..it's so lame, it's a waste of time.
i question my job, i question the city i live in, the country i live in, i question why i do what i do, and why i'm going to continue doing that etc...

if only the damn answers were in a book...written specifically for me. and i found it in a library (crap..i never go to the library)

and that's what i leave you with...

"Crap... I never go to the library"

long time, good time?

well then,
it's been a freakin' LONG time since i've posted hasn't it..

well, all that to say, i'm tired and on my way to bed...but sure enough one of these days i'm going to stop and think and realize i need to say something..just to get it off my chest...

good night...