not that bad......my bad

well, that last post was how i was feeling that day...sorry for alarming some of you...not my intent (purely... :P )
life is just....very interesting lately, it's very up and down and all around and i'm trying very hard to make sense of what God is doing in my life. why and when and how and all the amazing questions we ask ourselves when our hearts hurt. isn't that the kicker...it's when our hearts hurt that we ask questions. when, all along i knew these things sat dormant in my heart (although not to the depth and extent i have seen them recently).
It seems that when you want to give your heart another chance at being itself and being free, you very quickly find out what it is your heart is willing and not willing to do.
for instance. Out of nowhere i realized that i don't trust the human heart...not mine, not yours, not anyone around me. And the last 2 weeks have been trying to figure out why i don't trust the heart and how i can correct that, because as John Eldridge so correctly points out....the human heart is good.
Created in God's image, i sit here wondering how God would look if he looked like me...
My mind and heart 'made new' by the power of God, i wonder as to the mind and heart of God...
Doing only what i see the Father doing...NOT EVEN CLOSE

It's amazing how you notice things about yourself when your not even looking. i've been sitting in a classroom all week long seeing all the things around me that sometimes make me wonder...by"all the things around me" i mean a multitude of situations that really make me think as well as really provoke me to act on what i know is true in my heart... (Notice that wonderful use of my heart)

Sitting on the subway 2 days ago on my way downtown to go to a course that I'm taking right now, i look across the subway and someone there is reading a book. "wow, a book, that's a brilliant idea, i've been saying i haven't had enough time to read lately, i should've brought a book."
So i sit there and think, "Meh, bring a book, there's not enough time, i'm on a buss, then switch to subway, then a few moments later i switch again, and then i'm there."
Who am i trying to kid, seriously, that one sentance makes it sound oh so easy and quick, but in reality it's an hour of travel. and an hour is if i'm lucky, i spent over an hour and a half today due to 'complications'....known as SNOW.
Well, there i sit, no book, might as well pray. So i asks our good Lord this question.
"God, what do you think of the day?"
and this is what i hear (to my shock and to my horror)
"These people aren't saved and they need my Son, Jesus..."
"God, what do you think of the day?" I say again...
I wanted so badly to get rid of that thought. Not because it isn't true, not because of the reality of it, but because of the thought that came next...which also shocked and horrified me.
"would you stand up and yell across this whole subway train that you are in, telling them that Jesus died for them and loves them and wants to save them?"

so i stick to what i know...
"God, what do you think of the day?"

There's the Kingdom of Heaven just BEGGING to be brought to earth. eveyrwhere you look, everywhere you walk, travel, sit, stand, .....EVERYWHERE...the kingdom of God is just begging to be unleashed in a wild, vibrant way.
How's the kingdom come to earth when the citizen's of the kingdom can't even stand up for what they believe? this is my question. It's a harsh reality, one i don't particularly want to face, but it's the truth. I am afraid so much of what people will say, that i keep quiet to keep order. But there is no order, and there should be no fear...where to next?!?!

I'm sitting there in the class i'm taking, and a very short conversation springs up at my table about the person next to me having a very sore back. Oh sure it's better today, she can bend over and such, she says. But it's still sore.
What do you suppose my first thought is?

"Perfect opportunity to pray and see the sick healed...the kingdom come"

Second thought,
"Yah right"

I'm disappointed, yet, i'm hopeful, because my hope is that someday i'll have that courage to step out and just do what Jesus says.

When i was on the subway i had a flash thought of a business man coming up to me and handing me an envelope full of money and saying "this is for you..."
Now THIS story is more to MY liking...and i'm left with the thought
I want the Kingdom for me, but i have yet to stand up for the kingdom that's saved me.

R.A. Salvatore (yes alyn, the writer of the devil book...or the 'good book') said, through his brilliant character Caderley in the "Cleric Quintet"
"People don't heal the sick because they are more concerned about their own failures rather than the ailment and pain on the person infront of them."

Now i care plenty about what goes on around me, i care that the person sitting next to me has a sore back, that the subway i'm on is full of people that are not heading to heaven, and yet, i'm left with this nagging thought of "what will they think" or "God forbid, what if God doesn't do it?"
What a foolish way to think. I think God won't show up to heal someone, or save someone, or give someone hope, when it was HIS idea in the first place. Like he doesn't love me enough so He's going to make me out to be a fool.
I realized that it's not what i think about the other person, i know with everything in me, and believe with everything inside of me that God wants to heal, save, forgive etc... but i'm so afraid of what is going to happen to ME. And that's the killer. I'm to afraid of what will happen to me. Oh if only i could get over myself.

I await the day that courage fills me and i'm able to step out...but what is courage but love, and what is love, but the opposite of fear. If I'm afraid, and i love instead, i will step out. Think about that. Love is the motivation behind the action. Love is what lets me bring forth a solution to a problem or bring forth the realit of the Kingdom that i live in, instead of the kingdom that i see before me. Fear is what works against me, but fear in of itself is easily conquered with love.

Who would have known the Black Eyed Peas would have had the whole thing sitting there in their hands when they so eloquently said,
"my hump, my hump my hump my hump...my hump my hump my hump...my lovely lady lumps..."

CRAP...wrong song...i meant...
"Where is the love, where is the love, where is the love, where is the love, the love the love......"

Love conquers all things....covers a multitude of sins.....and saved my soul

If it was worth it....

If life could end with no pain, no anguish and no adverse effect to the world around me; Today i would choose option A...

where does it come from.

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!!!!!!

that's a cry.....my cry...where are you..what are you doing...

it seems to me that life takes more turns than any man can follow. Yet, when everything seems so distant and so distressing in that very last moment, that very final hour, that time when you feel like all of life is caving in and falling around you.....BAMM, God shows up for that moment in your life and changes everything...

God, this is my heart to you.
I long for you more than life itself. I dare not think what life would be like if i didn't have your hand on my life. I dare not think what i would face in every moment of everyday if your hand of protection and hand of mercy wasn't on my life.
I need your grace, i need your peace. I need you. Everything about you, everything you are, every breath i brethe neeeds to carry your presence.....i need to breath you in, i need to feel you more than i have ever felt you before, i need to be sustained by you, i need to fall more in love with you....not even more, i have NO idea what falling in love with you truly feels like. Make it a reality in my life. make it a reality in what i see when i wake up...where are you...who are you...what are you doing, today, tomorrow, in the days to come...what are you going to do, where are you taking me, where are you taking this world.
all the pain, all the disaster around, it fades when i feel you...it fades when i see your face. what's it truly mean to be in your presence..what's it mean to truly be in you...i want to be in you...be in your heart, be in your sould...be in your spirit....take me away....

this man, this human body that i inhabit...it's not me, my core is the eternal life that flows within, it's the eternal existence of something i don't even understand, someone i have barely been exposed to, someone i feel i haven't even been introduced to yet. I feel him, i sense his presence when i find myself in situations where he's more alive than this cardboard exterior. You've made me more than a man, you've made me more than a shell God....aquaint me with my spirit, my true me. I abandon all, i put it on he line because there is nothing worth living for but love, but power, but that real, tangible spiritual world that we're so fucking asleep to.

WAKE ME UP oh God....wake me up....my life has become dead, has become dulll, my eyes wide shut, my ears blazingly closed...my senses stifled because of a world dead around me.

there is hope, there is passion inside of you, inside of me, feel it boil within.
DON'T think you don't have it in you, don't think you have nothing inside......YOU HAVE IT IN YOU, you have more than you know. God is begging and longing and begging and longing and begging and longing for you to be alive, for you to come alive, for you to wake up and smell life like it was supposed to be smelled, to see the world like it's supposed to be seen. darkness will not prevail, it can't, the story wasn't writtne this way...that's right...written..the story is done, we're just living it out...but it's a story we have a part to play in...it's a story we have the right to step up to the challenges in, it's a story we have to fight for. God wrote the characters, wrote the key players, created the existence of a world in need of YOU...in need of what's inside of you.....find it....don't wait, don't hide, don't settle for what you see.....don't let the church blind you into thinking that what we have now is what we get....hell no...what we have now is not even close to what we are supposed to have...what we have now is a feeble attempt to the power God has....


"GREATER THINGS WILL YOU DO..............................."

what kind of King, what kind of God promises that to his followers...what kind of King tells his sons, his people that they will do greater things, more things and see a greater working of His command on the earth. This is not our home...it's time to call in the Kingdom of God...time to call in the Kingdom as it is supposed to be. The story that has been played out thus far is NOT what we're subject to....

"ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE.........................."

it's in you....strength, wisdom, power, handed down from the very thrown of God.....handed to you....ask for it....ask for him to rule your life. Be a subject of the King, join the fight that's worth fighting for more than anything you've seen to date.....get ready...become a subject of the true King....his thrown, his Kingdom is at hand...it is at hand...


My Father...Heaven is yours...
Hail to the Mighty King.
Let Your Kingdom come,
Let Your Will be done.
On earth because it is already done in Heaven.

Please oh Lord, Sustain me, be my sustinance.
Forgive me, for i have sinned, i have turned from You.
My choice i now make to forgive those who have wounded me,
Those who have hurt me, You are forgiven.

Protect me oh Lord,
Deliver me, Free me,
Evil will not overtake me, for you have lead me from it.

TO YOU BE ALL THE GLORY,

You are the King of all, your Kingdom is here....Open my eyes......

This life i do not know how to live....
But damn, i'm gonna trust that you will lead me ...and Free me as we walk together..

All the well meaning...

Why is it that when a person is hurt and falls over, but sits there for a while, and lets him/herself get used to the pain, it's just easy to stay seated and not deal with the pain?
Why is it that people who deal with a certain pain (ie. i have incredibly bad feet problems, which in turn throw out my ankles, knees and back), and have been dealing with that pain for a long time, just get used to it, put up with it and live on. live on with the pain, expecting no change what so ever.
Pain + Time = Tolerance to Pain = No Change
x+y=xy=abc (ok, i swear i won't try and make any mathematical equations anymore)

This equation can be put into use for every facet of ones life. Physical pain, Heart pain, Emotional status, spiritual well being, marital status...whatever you are going through, blindly or in full awareness of, this equation will apply.
I heard a man once say, 'We are so used to feeling/being 'bad' that when things start to go well, start to go in our favour, we instantly start to expect the 'bad' to return'.
Brings us to another equation that takes care of the 'good'.
---
experience -> belief -> expectation -> behaviour -> experience
---
Now this isn't particularly an 'equation' as much as it is a cycle that is quite evident in most peoples lives, if not all, and will be part of almost, if not all, situations in your life.
ex. - I clean kitchen (experience) -> Move says "thank you, i love you" (builds belief) -> If i clean, mom will love me (expectation) -> I now live life working very hard to 'earn' love (behaviour) -> people like me because of what i can do for them (experience)

now you can see how this would slowly turn for the worse, in what happens if i work real hard and someone tells me to F*** off, you did a shitty job. Oh man, new experience that is going to breed a new belief/expectation. "Working hard doesn't get me anything"etc...

now, where does this play into everyday life...first the equation.

I'll be honest, i don't handle change well. In fact i handle it in all the wrong ways. Especially knowing the truth so greatly, yet, disreguarding it as easily as throwing a hair net on the ground (we'll get to that later..remind me).
So, i find myself in a rough spot in life, (insert whole last post). And instead of talking about it, finding out what to do, letting my heart grow...i shut down. I turn back to cigarettes, which i had stopped for 5 months, felt amazing, voice kicked ass etc... i buy a video game, (same style i was addicted to 5 years ago, playing 20hrs a day some days...at least 8-12 a day anyways), but of course this time will be different right, i conquered that addiction right good, pornography, masturbation, smoking, movies, tv, whatever, anything to numb the brain so that i don't have to think about my current situation, so i don't have to deal with the shit inside of me that needs dealing with so desperately. As much as i love drinking, i haven't become an alcoholic, which is almost suprising somedays. Ok, so handle change well....doubtful.
Wallow (thank you dictionary.com) in my self pity and anquish...damn right i'm good at that.

What brings change? I mean, i find myself here, in this state i'm in, as pathetic and self degrading as it is, wondering why i should change. Seriously. I enjoy video games, i enjoy watching movies and sitting and doing nothing. I brings me a sense of ease i guess, it takes no effort to sit and do nothing, obviously.
now, ask me 6 months ago about all of this and i'd be flying high, i'd be gung-ho about christianity, about God, about the Truth, because i was sitting in that. But that got to hard. Ever feel like a complete wimp.
All equations, all cycles, all the shit aside. I feel like a fucking wimp.
I feel nothing like a man, i am nothing that i should be. Given the teaching, the experience and the life that i've been in for the last 4 years, and to still be dealing with the exact same shit i was dealing with 5 years ago....pathetic, i'm a damn wimp. I got nothin...

this isn't a down and out sob story. It's the reality of looking at oneself.
why can't i change?...i don't rely on God enough, i don't have enough will power?!?!..what are the reasons, why can't i change and stay changed? I focus on the wrong things, i don't keep up the winning attitude....WTF...who knows. Why can't people who get freedom hold onto freedom.

Why, sitting at 420lbs, do i have ZERO desire to loose a single pound. I should have every reason in the world to loose that shit. I should have no problem waking up in the morning saying "ROB....WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING TO YOURSELF....wake up man!!!"

Do i deserve change? I guess i think i don't. I don't deserve change because i've made myself this way, because i have no reason to change, or can't see the reason to change, and if i can't see it, why the hell should i deserve it, or go after it. and all the people in all the world can say to you the 'right thing' "you can do it buddy" "you're a winner"....

Jump inside my body and look down.....feel that winner inside....he don't exist.
10+ years of anything will bear down on you like an anvil stuck to your back. brings me back to that damn equation doesn't it. My pain has become me. as sick and disturbing as that is. it's the viewpoint of myself and countless others. I am this way, who the hell would care, and how on earth could i ever change it....

I had an absolutely wonderful conversation with a dear friend of mine, someone i view as a real parent in my life. She said she walked by my office at work and her heart just broke for me. That's kewl to know people care.
But i'm sick of feeling like a fucking basket case...seriously....
If i could answer "i'm doing great" to the next person that asks me how i'm doing.....when will that happen. And when will it happen that it gets to continue happening....
This same lady that i was speaking to the other day, her and her husband have to be the most real people i know. Kind, compassionate, loving, sooo dear to my heart, and they are also some of the busiest people i know, traveling the world all the time, up in years (oh lord don't anyone say i said that :P) but i have never seen them with anything but absolute love all over them. They are an inspiration to me, in more ways than they will ever know.

Cry out, desire change, desire the better in life, desire the fullness of what God has to offer you, scream at the top of your weak eternally powerful voice and reach towards a God that has more to give you than you will ever know. He won't ever let you down. I know that.

It's getting over yourself that's the hard part...

When the world is so big...

...yet so small.
Being in a place where you get the opportunity to travel often does away with that feeling inside that if a friend leaves you'll never see them again. I have a really great friend in Seattle...
man i just saw a great motorcycle just drive by....damn..

so my friend..he lives in Seattle, and I met him in Toronto, where I still live. Well there came a time after his year and a half here that he was to move back home. Now when someone you know, specially one of your closest friends, says they are moving across the continent, there is always (if you have a heart...) that air of sadness. You know. "Shit dude, when am i going to see you again?" comes up or, "well, it's been fun...later" (for those of you who are just plain cold).
But I've come to realize that the world just isn't as big as we all thought it was growing up. Yah traveling is expensive, but not beyong reach, specially when you aren't paying for most of it. I've now been out to Seattle twice over the last year and a bit to visit my friend, and have met dozens more people that i absolutely adore out there as well...more reason to travel back.

All that to say that over the last month I've had 2 of my best friends leave my city. One across the country, one on the other side of the world. And yes i've cried, man have i cried. It hits you at a certain point that you are loosing something so special. I'm almost thankful that for some reason none of the manifestations of my emotional state didn't surface till the day before my best friend left. and only a week before my second best friend (uhh..that sounds odd..like i number my best friends...and that's been weird to...i say "yah..loosing my best friend is hard"..and people are liek "i thought ***** was ur best friend"...dude..i'm not tellin' you who your friends are ...just back off...) anyways..
having by far the closest friend you've ever had, a room mate and a confidant moves will just about rip you apart. Literally...rip you apart. And 3 weeks later another best friend of yours, also a confidant of the highest variety...one who's advice has changed your life, who's love has impacted you far more than just the surface of what the majority of people experience in friendship; when friends of that calibor up and leave (not abandon, but move on, to bigger, better, more exciting , next-step adventures) you are faced with the harsh questions of what you do..why you do what you do....and what you're doing in the place you are in.
A pastor, a friend, a confidant, ....these things are not picked lightly, nor is it really in us to 'pick' them in the first place. We are designed to be attracted (not physically dumbass) to people, to qualities, to character and dreams, to the way people handle themselves and the way they treat/respond to us. Jack Canfield (chicken soup for the soul guy) says this "you are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with". now...when 2 / 5 leave, you're asking yourself over and over again, where do i go, who am i, who do i want to be, and what 5 people in this world do i want to be the average of?
my pastor/friend in whom just left pushed me farther than anyone i've known, challenged me deeper than anyone has challenged me, and probably (specially combined with his wife) were the most encouraging people i've had in my life.

Distance means nothing. I still have all the love and all the ......but distance means everything.
ya know you need 14 affectionate touches a day?... bet ya less than 10% of this messed up world gets that.
And it takes 4-7 encouraging/good words to anul 1 bad/unpositive word towards you...1:7...those odds are NOT in our favour. Yet we listen to shit, we take crap on everyday. Who are you around?
Who am i around?

i've been in this situation before...life takes a turn and people leave. I've lost best friends before, i've come through, and found others that my best friend is actually a list of best friends...but there are times when certain ones are closer than others...and at this point my heart is kicked because that list isn't around me...my 5/5 people around me feels like 0/5 around me.

And what i've realized this week, is that it's very damn hard to change when you have nothing to fight for, or even when you just feel like you have nothing to fight for. It's a different subject, but man if it isn't a tought one...that's right..tought..much like tight..but different.
people need constant challenge, encouragement, and connectedness...the 3 C's if you will...i just pulled that out of my butt..i can't stand when people make things like that "10 steps to this..." "4 steps to ...." the ABC's of ...." the *** of ****" whatever..ya know...and actually..now that i look at it..which has completely evaded me until this point..it's actually 2 C's and an E...so very odd...
although i guess i could write it like this...CCenC...and that's sort of like the 3 C's.

anyways...i'm really realizing that people need these things to survive. I've noticed over the last year and a half that the best weeks i've had are when i meet with a group of 2 guys i meet with regularly (my 2 best friends whom jsut left..but never mind that..we've covered that one to exhaustion), and we would meet and sit and talk about how we were doing...or just go have a beer and talk, or coffee, play pool, go to the driving range..whatever, but we would just challenge each other to focus on certain area's of our lives. So, one week i decided i didn't want to drink Soda Pop anymore...soft drink, soda, cola..whatever you call it. So i said "i don't want to drink that shit this week." sure enough, that week i had soda 2 times...wait..this isn't working...sure it is becasue both times half way through i realized 'oh wait..im' not supposed to be doing this'...and i would put it down...grab a water...
"this week i really need to just spend some time reading my bible, because i haven't been lately." so i was challenged to read a book of the bible 4 times in a week. I did...now this isn't doing something because im' being told to..it's giving me another reason to do it. If i see no purpose for doing something, and im' not held accountable for the actions in which i'm doing, i am prone to do nothing at all. Challenge makes something worth doing.
encouragement is key, because encouragement lets you know you aren't alone, and lets you know that people are fighting with you..maybe not necessarily on the same thing at the same time...but when you have someone beside you spurring you on to complete a task, or right a wrong etc...it brings life to the fight. Encouragement continues to fuel the initial 'gusto' of doing something.
Connectedness... very basic. Alone we die...together we have a fighting chance. and this ties into the other two C's...or CenC...if you aren't connected....or building relationship, you are oging to have a hard time finding encouragement and challenge.
Encourage yourself, it doesn't work as well as someone coming along side you and doing it. Continue to encourage yourself, but find others that will love you and run beside you, fight with you and hold you up when you feel like falling down, or sit beside you when you've fallen and are hurting.
Challenging yourself is next to impossible. I've tried it week after week after week, and unless you got the will power of an oxe, you'll find yourself falling short of your goals. Find people that will see your goals as valued, that will see your life as worth it and worth fighting for. Your challenge and there's might be to challenge each other, to encourage each other, and to stay connected to each other. Relationships take work, and meaningful relationships will change your life...not just once...but again and again..

i speak from experience because i've found around me people that are willing to die for me, and people i would gladly step into the fire for. Love speaks far beyond the word itself...and this is to you my friends....thank you for loving me...and thank you for fighting for/with me.

I owe you the world time and time again....

promises, promises, promises...

No matter how many times I promise to blog more often then i have been, i let myself down, and anyone that would actually read this. HOWEVER, because i don't think that i've ever actually said that in any of my blogs, i'm safe. I'm pretty sure all that i've ever done is mention "oh i'm sorry i haven't blogged for a while.

so, here's the beginning of yet another eventful day...and yes, you guessed it. I'm sorry i haven't blogged in what seems decades. Now that i think of it, i'm not really sorry to anyone, other than myself. Not having blogged could mean a series of different things.
One - I'm to busy to blog... This is a lie! I am deffinitely not to busy to blog.
Two - I'm not thinking... This is also a lie! One could guess that if someone isn't blogging, they have nothing to say. not so true, i think, if i sat own and thought, i would have something to say, whether it be clever or not, i would deffinitely come up with something to say ... (for instance...check out blog from August 25th, 2005 (yes that's today)...the beginning is all about 'why the idiot that writes that blog lifeandwords.blogspot.com, never blogs. lame)
Three - I'm processing my thoughts so well, and talking them out in some other medium, that this blog is no longer useful. This is a half - lie. i sat down to blog a few weeks ago, right after i had just been writing. So most of my thoughts were on paper, and i realized i had no thoughts to blog about, cause i had just processed them. Again. the lie part would be i can remember this happening 1 time this year. So, i'd have to give #3 a big ol' "lie".
Four - I'm to good for blogging. This is a lie! Nobody is to good for the blog. oh sure it's become a fad, even a dirty trend. Anybody and Everybody has a blog. I even saw a news article the other day stating people making money off of their blogs because corporations are turning to blogs for what is reality instead of surveying.
*** TOPIC ***
And it hits me, like a ton of bricks. I JUST HAD A THOUGHT. put that together with sitting at my computer AND having wireless access in the Air Canada Maple Leaf Lounge (were important people like ....like.... my friends go and i blindly follow because, well, what do you think, i'm not about to go sit on those hard metal seats when i can lounge it out would i...exactly). So, 1+1+2 = 5. don't ask me how, it just does. And some odd mathematician somewhere could no doubt back me up on that.
OK, that very statement i made at the end of 'point #4'. The article i saw on corporations turning to blogs to get information. Isn't that weird how what is often times used as a place to vent about current affairs, personal insight, angst towards the world etc, is now used to 'help' the very thing the blog set out to discredit in the first place. Is it a new age of the consumer having a say, or the corporations jsut getting craftier in their ways of 'duping' the average shopper, consumer, home-owner, bank account holder etc.
Business has been really warping my thinking these days. Simply because it seems that no one is out to help anyone. It's a cut throat, dog-eat-dog, mine first back the fuck off... kind of world. Take banks for instance. think of how much money banks make....off of our money. first of all that's a dirty system. paying someone to hold something i don't feel like i have enough of in the first place. THEN, they go the next step and offer you more of what you don't have, so that you can spend 'their' money and like a good friend you'll just pay it back. THEN, when it's time to lend a helping hand becasue you actually want to try and sort your life out.
I have credit card debt (find someone who doesn't...they're around, but few and far between). I've been trying to get a loan from my bank so that i don't have to continue with the dirty high interest rates of credit cards. I'd like to "Consolidate" my loans. This is something banks are always advertising, and always wanting to offer you. So, i call my bank and ask if i can get a loan. Comes back i can't, something from my credit report. I go to equifax.com and order my credit report. Nothing wrong with it, no bad information, just a list of my debts, oh sure they have listed that i'm still working at a place i quit almost a year ago, and living at a house i haven't lived at in 7 months. But that's the company that banks go to for my financial information. They should probably do their job and update me. ***sidenote*** to update your equifax profile you have to have 2 utility bills and ur drivers liscense in your current address. Well i haven't had a place to live for 7 months so that makes things intersting.
oh, btw...i do now have a place to live. so soon enough i can actually update my profile with equifax.
man..how did i start talking about all this stuff..i swear i had something important to blog about.
so i call my bank back and ask them to go into detail further how i might obtain a loan. The lady on the phone explains it to me, asks me some questions and says "as far as i can tell you should be able to get a loan". "well try it," i says. "sorry sir, but your credit ratio is to high. we require a 42% or less and yours is 47%". I'm not going to explain what that all means, because i simply don't want tot try and explain it. And no one wants to read that, or i don't want to write about it.
So i call back a week later thniking "i need a final decision about what my bank will do for me"
i ask this "i would like to consolidate my current debt into one of your loans."
long story short. They take my current debt, and ADD what i'm asking for, to figure out what kind of risk i am. What kind of debt consolidation is that. doesn't even make sense. the whole point is th get rid of your current debt. Then the person i'm talking to that day has the idiocy to say "well sir, if you had less debt we could give you a loan". "I WOULDN'T BE CALLING IF I HAD LESS DEBT"...

and that's what i end with.

I wouldn't call, if i had nothing to say...

world tragedy...personal victory

Guarenteed 90% of people that have a blog and decide to post today will mention something about the attack in the streets of London England today. Some will say "damn those terrorists", others "the british deserved it", "and the war continues", "chalk up another 37 needless deaths" and so on and so on. People will take the side of the western world, people will take the side of the 'perpetrators', even though there is no solid confirmation as to who did this attack. Oh sure the "The Secret Group of al Qaeda of Jihad Organization in Europe" claimed responsibility on www.alkalla.com, but there is no clear information as to who really did this.
If this was 'terrorists' as they've been dubbed, it's interesting to see how much media this thing is instantly getting and the fact that these things happen in the middle east almost daily, and nothing is said. A good friend of mine and myself were talking this morning and had a good point that in Iraq, Afghanastan and other middle eastern countries that the 'war on terrorism' has been added to can only view the British and the American's as terrorists themselves. This 'war' has been a campaign to make other countries resemble that of the western world. who said our society was working all that great in the first place? (but that's a rabbit trail i'm going to try and NOT run down) Anbody check the definition of a terrorism lately?
Terrorism :

The unlawful use or threatened use of force or violence by a person or an organized group against people or property with the intention of intimidating or coercing societies or governments, often for ideological or political reasons.

The nations of the world in this campaign against terrorism are themselves acting quite terroristic (is that a word). I'm not sure how this would work, but say I live in the middle east and don't speak much or any english (i'm not saying they don't, i'm saying to the best of my knowledge english is not a highly taught language among the common peoples of these nations) and i heard everywhere that i was a 'terrorist' and new the definition of that word in my own native tongue i would wonder why i was being called that and why the people invading my country were trying to say they were the saviours. I would think i might be quite confused. In addition, how easy would that be for a media group to corrupt such sayings from our governments that say such things, so easily turned into rage against the very people who are saying they are trying to help. just a thought...
We all notice and know how corrupted our media delivers the news. Certain stations are liberalistic in their coverage while others come from a more conservative standpoint while others seem to try and bring a balance of what the real news is, yet, with our society the way it is and the gov'ts of the western world operating as they are we know that our news is not clean of corruption. (i'm not saying to throw out the news, however you need to, as with any 'knowledge' have discernment as to what you jump on and believe right away) So, if ours over here is like that, what on earth are those people in the 'terrorist laiden countries' hearing on the news?
As good intentioned as some people, nations, leaders may be, I have this feelling to the people of these countries they come across harsher and more criminalistic than the current corrupt leaders, guerilla groups etc...
But, before i start talking about things i don't know, which i probably already have done to much of, i should shut my mouth and ....or....stop typing cause i know not what either of these groups real intentions are, nor do i think any of us do.

in other news, i myself these days am feeling not quite as 'frazzled' as my last post most likely made me appear. I am farely level headed, realizing that happiness is not completely about where you are or what you are doing, but it's 100% about how you as a person, inside, with your connection to a God that keeps us alive, are feeling. I've noticed time and time again that 2 or 3 days without spending time talking to God, getting His imput into my life, reading His word and spending time just meditating on His purposes and His thoughts for my life, im' ok for. I'm ok for 2 or 3 days..but anything more than that i will quickly notice how much focus i loose...how much worry and resentment for my current surroundings i get. I know that when i'm not keeping my eyes focused on God i can become a very cranky, depressed, worrisome person. Makes me realize why there are so many cranky, depressed, worrisome people in this world. The guy walking down the street that yells at you cause you look at him the wrong way. Has he ever taken time to sit, relax and talk to God? there's a chance he hasn't, so where's his peace come from?... Sure God works in all people, blesses those who are followers of Him or not, and i believe there is also grace for those who have not yet heard or have not yet come to the point of meeting God, AND that He does talk to them in ways they don't realize. However, there is no constant flow or relationship, and that's where life becomes to make more sense, show more colour, bring more life, and reveal your destiny, is in that place of relationship with God. So why do we not spend time getting to know him everyday? oh i'm busy. but man if i could just truly realize and begin to make that time, take that time to pursue that relationship, how would life grow, how would my life change?
Relationship is hard, ever have a friend you just had to work at to love somedays? God doesn't usually give us the same kind of reasons that we get from our friends to hate them for a day or get us angry at them, but we do get angry with God, or miss days we spend with him because of business, work, travel, etc... My relationship with God is going to look completely different than anyone elses, that's why books on 'relationship with God' are hard to read because it won't ever be the same for everyone. Sure there are 'relational success principles' that every relationship holds, but in it's interesting quirks and funny little happenings that all relationships have, there is going to be a very profound difference. I know my brother different than my sister knows my brother, You know your dad in a different way that i would if i met him (given someone actually reads this and says..."oh yah"). so why do we think that relationship with God is simply "read your bible, pray, go to church"...that's not relationship, relationship is finishing each other's sentances (ever have a friend like that, it can get hilarious), it's knowing how they think, knowing how they love, hate, learn, grow, sing, dance, laugh etc... being in relationship with someone (i'm talking purely friendship here from experience) is knowing so much about them that you practically know what they are thinking almost all of the time. I've never been in a 'relationship' (of the male/female variety), sure i had a girlfriend once (oh so long ago). But my guess, that being in that type of relationship, where physical and even a deeper sense of emotional connection is had, a relationship means so much more than what i've described it as.
So what level of relationship is Human - God...it's spirit to spirit, which is far beyond Human - Human. I know i have only scratched the surface of relationship with God, i konw there is more to be had in a relationship with my Heavenly Father than i probably will ever know. That's why we have all of eternity to get it right. if we only knew and could tap into that now, geez we'd be perfect wouldn't we lol....

All of that to say, it's very easy to see why somedays i wake up and have a harder time with my life and my current situation than others, and why leaving this place seems like such a good idea some days, and other days i know it's just not what i'm supposed to do. It's easy to see why other days i wake up and feel completely secure about who i am, and why other days i wake up and want to cry. Relationship with a God that holds the whole universe together in His very capable hands is the key. Hoorah for realizing something we already realize inside, just spend far to little a time actually doing.

Here's a messag worth hearing...

"keep your chins up, because life is worth living, there's a God worth knowing and He thinks the same of you...There's a destiny higher and farther than any of us have dreamed and it's available for all of us..."

"Remember, fear is just a lie you have either forgotten the truth of, or haven't realized yet."

-Robert Moses Augi-

confusion...a 4 letter word

It's absolutely amazing that when you're pretty damn sure you've settled on something, some situation, or some part of your life, you get completely blindsided by something new, or something 'else'. This may just be for me, but damn if it isn't happening a whole hell of a lot lately.

last fall i start a job, all excited, sweet, i'm gonna make money, it's going to be great cause i'll finally get some financial stability. 4 weeks into it i know that i'm supposed to quit that job cause it's just not right, God made it very clear to me that i wasn't supposed to be working there. So sure enough (after arguing for 2 months with God, myself, and everyone around me) i finally quit that job. Oh and in the meantime i manage to rack up a couple thousand more in debt thinking "i've got a good job now, i can pay it off in no time." Back to no stability.
God is so amazing. I went 7 months without a job, and my bank account went to 0.00 about 10 times in that 7 months. and i never missed a payment, and never went hungry. Hit every rent payment on time, and every bill paid on time. The bank account would get to zero and someone would call offering work for a few days, just enough to pay the bill coming in a week etc...
Then, end of january I'm left knowing that i need to move out of the place i'm in. Thinkin "i haven't had a job for over 4 months now, i should move out and i don't erally want to live where i am anymore ayways etc..." so feb 1st i have no place to live. What's the date today?!?...oh yah..June 27th, STILL no place to live. I've had about 3 different things fall through in the last 6 months.
But 2 months ago i start a great job, give them a verbal commitment to 2 years or at least till the current 'project' is taken care of (probably a year and a half to 2 years to get it up and running smoothly). so i'm set right?... got a job, i'm a manager now, decent pay, i can afford a place to live and oh yes it's grand.
Start looking for a palce to live, and almost every time i do i feel like i may just vomit, not in the 'oh i'm nervous' sort of way, but just knowing that i shouldn't be looking for a place to live. So now i'm walking into month 6 of not having a place to live.
In january i'm convinced i'm supposed to move away. I'm on my way across the country and down south a bit into the land of the USA, i'm sure that's what i'm supposed to do. Last minute, God tells me to stay in toronto.
Thank God i did. Seriously, i've had more amazing things happen to me in these last few months than i can imagine or explain, I feel more like the man i'm supposed to be than the man i was, and i've come across more revelation from God than i ever have in my whole life. And i ask myself woudl i have received that if i had left?..who knows...
take ya back to the beginning of my job. First couple weeks i'm left wondering what on earth i've gottne myself into, i don't know what i'm doing, i'm afraid i've made the wrong choice, i'm soo confused about it. I settle down into the position, get going on the goal and get my head around stuff, things going well and i'm getting some great work done.
I'm on my way to be settled right? I've got a good job, it's going well, i even had a place to live lined up for july 1st. oops, that fell through. now we're looking at august 1st, and that place is only available till end of august. So, september is when i'm looking at having a place to live that i actaully don't move out of for a while.

Then last weekend, the place i was supposed to move to in january (who couldn't offer me a job but wanted me there), calls me up and offer me a job, a place to live, a car and insurance paid...WHAT?!?!?.. oh come on. So back to no stability. questioning everything i'm doing, everything i do, everything i'm supposed to be doing. I'm so confused. I don't know what to do with my life....

"I'm thinking of getting into male modeling..." - homestarrunner.com

yah..life can be confusing sometime.
and then i'm talking to a relative this morning from holland and i'm busy so i says "sorry, no time to talk i'm at work"...fine and all she says "that's ok, give everyone my love"
BAMM, it hits me hard. i live nowhere near any of my family...who does that..who leaves their family behind and heads off to ...to...i don't know..what am i doing...oh damn i feel confused...I hate being confused..doubting..it's so lame, it's a waste of time.
i question my job, i question the city i live in, the country i live in, i question why i do what i do, and why i'm going to continue doing that etc...

if only the damn answers were in a book...written specifically for me. and i found it in a library (crap..i never go to the library)

and that's what i leave you with...

"Crap... I never go to the library"

long time, good time?

well then,
it's been a freakin' LONG time since i've posted hasn't it..

well, all that to say, i'm tired and on my way to bed...but sure enough one of these days i'm going to stop and think and realize i need to say something..just to get it off my chest...

good night...

SLAUGHTERED! ! !

Well, as much fun as getting boots stuck in the mud, and socks dirty...(which was quite memorable)..in fact..probably one of the most traumatic times of my younger life i think. I was so emotional that day...lol..man..mud and kids...so much fun...

so, avril lavigne huh?!?..oh wait..i already covered that. Yah, i like her music. the whole "i'd marry that girl in a second"..well obviously i probably wouldn't seeing as though she's..uhh..i dunno..i have no idea where she is..

i had something to say, but i think i forgot it for now..

ok, get this..
Nvidia just came out with a 6800 Ultra 512mb video card. stand alone price... 999.00 USD.
That thing is rediculous. 33.6gb/sec data processing...absolutely disgusting that i want one so bad. It will be interesting to see how quickly ATI retaliates and releases a 512mb Radeon card. Cause that's a pretty good jump ahead for right now. First one to reach 512...step back..

Then (and this has been out for a bit now, but still...pretty tasty) Creative has their new line of SoundBlaster Audigy sound cards out. Sure the line only consists of 1 card right now, which is the Audigy 4 PRO. 7.1 surround sound capability (which doesn't do much when audio is currently only produced for movies at 5.1 and as far as i know games haven't hit 6.1 or 7.1 in their audio configurations either. So, having 7.1 capability as much as it's a grand thought, not all that grand at all. However, the fact that the card has the card that is accessable in the back and a stand alone interface as well, with (and this is the tasty part) 2 x Firewire ports. so, i buy a computer, 999.00 video card, brand new 7.1 audio card and 2gig ram of course, a couple 400gb hard drives, 2 x 23" hard drives and get myself a nice little audio I/O device (something like the motu 896) and then i've got work and play in one fantastic bundle.

I wonder at this ...for audio work (studio quality) everyone is going with mac, it's industry standard. mostly for the stability, and because it's been the standard for so long that some of the audio companies only make the software available for macs. I can't see a HUGE difference in the capabilities of both. Sure, macs are nice, a beasty g5 dual 2.7ghz with 30" cinema display would kick ass..and tiger just looks like it's going to rip apart windows...not that panther didn't already. But there's been this defining line that's put PC's out of the audio industry, when personally i don't know there's a whole huge amount of benefit doing that.. dual processors might be nice, but you can dual some xeon's if you want...and save some money along the way.
Another thing that gets to me. And if anyone has the answer feel free to relay it to me. Apple always puts video cards that just aren't up to par as far as i'm concerned.

well, talking out of my ass has inspired me to find information...so off i go...talk to ya...

WHOA

That was a pretty harsh last 'post' i made huh?...geez...
why didn't someone come up to me, slap me and yell in my face "HEY, get your head on straight"...
So, i'm at work today and it's still kind of difficult cause i don't know what my 'job description' is, and so i'm struggling with wanting to be busy, wanting to get work done and wanting to actually work. I don't like being paid and not having anything to do. Or not that i don't have anything to do, i just dont know what it is that i'm supposed to do right now. I haven't been given a job, i've been given a title. As of yet anyways. I mean, sure we've discussed the sort of "you're in charge of the database and ..." well actually i think that's about it. Which isn't anyones fault at all, i just can't stand that i'm sitting there trying to think of work for myself to do because i don't know what it is i should be doing.

The other part that is frustrating is that this project that is in place, the implimentation of a new program to replace about 6 programs the company is currently using; well the project started i'm guessing a month or so ago, so certain people are involved in different things, and i've jsut come on the seen and been named a pretty big title as it pertains to this project. Yet, i've missed the last month, haven't had a good catch up session and don't have a job description, and i've put 6 days of work in so far. So i'm a touch frustrated, but i know it's going to even out.

Went golfing with the boss this afternoon. That was a treat in of itself, good day for golf, absolutely beautiful. However, the course was incredibly busy, it took us 3 and a half hours to play 11 hours and by that point there wasn't much point in continuing, so 11 holes is where we ended it. which kind of sux cause i was just getting into it. The first 5 holes were rough, shot a 10 on a par 5, a 7 on a par 4 and a couple double boge's, no pars and ended up with a 55 on the first 9. OUCH.... hole ten was a par 3, i got par...hole 11 was a par 4, i shot 5...was pickin' it up at that point, but we caught up to people again and it was starting to get cold cause it was 7:30 and it was just no point to continue...so we called it a night. to much waiting in the cold wind. If there was no one in front of us we could've flown through the holes, but there were 3 groups ahead of us all walking. so slow.
This is how bad it was, on hole 3 or 4, not sure exactly which one, but we got there and there were 3 groups infront of us at the tee, and a group walking down the fairway and a group walking onto the green of the hole...including us that's 7 groups of people playing/waiting on that hole....WAY TO MUCH...

ok, so the real reason i wanted to post today was this...i totally dig Avril Lavigne. I think she's absolutely amazing. I don't know if she's got talent or not, but i think she's freakin great. Not sure why i had to say that...but there was a Much More Music "Profile" on her just about half an hour ago, anyways, i just think she's really good looking, and as much as i shouldn't admit this, i like her music...

so, i'm not necessarily an 'avril' fan, but i do think she's freakin' amazing, and i'd marry that girl in a second...

thought of the day....

Life can be such a cruel fucking joke sometimes.
Uncertainty can kill a man, or at least one who's fought through years of depression.

I'm sitting here at work wondering what the hell i'm doing. I have no job description yet, 5 days into it and i'm not all that sure what the fuck i'm supposed to be doing. Makes such little sense to be sitting here doing absolutely nothing at all. then you start to wonder if you were an idiot for taking the job in the first place because look at how much you can't offer to the company. So a whole week huh?...what you get done?!? "uhmm....i have a new desk..and a computer...and i loaded a bunch of music on my itunes.." that's gotta count for something right?...

go out get a new phone, kickin' phone, and realize the next day you just signed a 3 year contract, your job is a 2 year contract, you have NO place to live, and no prospect for a place to live, you feel constantly you are just waisting the companies time because you haven't really done anything constructive, or that you know if, sure i've done some great work this week, but not sure if it's done anything for anyone...so hoo-fuckin-raw for progress huh...

sure i figure this is just a 'funk' and i'll get out of it at some point, probably in the next ten minutes, but this is how i feel RIGHT now, that everything at this moment in front of me is going to backfire and i'm going to continually let people down. i feel like a useless shit right now.

depression, sure i beat it....right?!?!?

New Job, New Computer, New Music...

Ever have a really friggin post going and then the network goes down, and for some reason Explorer feels like it needs to F*** up and close on you right in mid post?!?!...
well, guess that's my fault for blogging during office hourse huh...had a little moment ya know how it is.

So, Betha-boo (whoever be you... :P) if i wanted people to read my blog i'd right stuff that might interest them lol....and advertise it, but the general public doesn't need to know about this little place i call blog. i don't even really know why people link it from their blogs...

i starts a new job next week, pretty excited about it... (takes care of the "New Job" part of the title)

I get a new laptop for my job, pretty psyched about that (takes care of the "New Computer" part of the title)

One of my friends bought the "My Chemical Romance" album (entitled "Three cheers for sweet revenge")...it kicks ass...but he didn't like it. so i got it off of him for a meer 10.00...good music for a good price. i'm lovin' it.. Then i'm in sunrise records one day, and they have this rack of 2/18.00. so i'm like "WHOA, new music day for sure" so i bought 4 more CD's lol. impulsive much, i think so, but that's a whole nother topic for an entirely different day.

more on the music front, went to a show last night. Taking Back Sunday and Jimmy Eat World. Sweet ass show. Both bands were super tight and played so damn well, and they had amazing stage presence. Ontop of all of that during the show God kept giving me all this crazy stuff for worship, like, the style of music, the passion in the music etc... as well as just some 'art' type stuff that the church is totally not tapping into. We want God to show up at church, and we don't make it fun. Im' standing in the Concert thinking "GOD WOULD LOVE THIS", and in fact He would. So i'm in this place of thinking "how to i please God, what can i do, that's just so out of my heart that will make God smile." God wouldn't give people the passion to be a rock star (bad name for it, but you know what i mean) if he didn't take pleasure in seeing His children just blow apart a concert hall of 7,000. I think even using our gifts that He's given us brings pleasure to Him. Of course there's the whole 'motive' thing are you wanting to be bigger than God and all that stuff... But that's a matter of the heart, and not about just getting out and doing it. imho

ok, so i've been thinking alot about why people are upset, frustrated, bored with there jobs, life, families etc... Ya hear it all the time "oh i hate my job, it's so boring...mundaine...pathetic...insert dirty comment about job here" and people get upset with a whole world of things and wonder why they are living, why they are doing things etc.
well i've realized, specially at this point of my life where i've just accepted a 2 year working contract, that people need very specific things in their lives.
Two of the most important are these: hope, and living to the fullest
living to the fullest: best way i could easily sum up "doing what you know in your heart you should be doing". Basically this means doing what you enjoy. I believe that God created us in His image, through and through. Not just looking like Him (cause appearance is so basic). If i grow up, and i don't like history so much, i shouldn't be a history professor, but i LOVE math, and i'm good at it, and when it's tough i enjoy working through it, numbers to me are like candies (exageration to prove a point). And ontop of that i enjoy show people how to get the things i allready understand, and i like helping people (ie. teaching). i've just effectively described a math teacher/professor. so why on earth would someone that should be a math teacher be in a factory pushing sheets of metal?!?! Of course there is job market, etc. But everytime this person has something 'mathmatical' he jumps at it, don't even get started on when someone needs help with something, especially if there are numbers involved.
You get what i'm saying, people need to be doing the thing they love. This could be multiple things, which is grand, and at certain points of your life the things you enjoy most might change. For instance, you have someone that completely enjoys their job, and at some point they realize that they've come with a new passion. That's because the things that drive our life change.
You have a man, no religion, no desire for it and he's a mechanic, loves it, loves cars etc... one day he finds himself in a church and God totally changes His perspective on life. Fixing cars might not be His number one passion. Or the capacity of what he does might change, who he does it for, why he does it. Take God out of the picture. He tries something new, gets totally hooked on it, loves it, realizes that he's been missing something in His life, or maybe just this new passion comes up. So he switches careers.
The other sad one is people in a job that they don't like for years and then realize they are doing the wrong thing and they switch careers. If only people could find that part inside of them that's crying out for more.
The next part to this has nothing to do with work. I went camping 2 years ago. haven't been since. That camping experience made me come alive, i love it, but haven't had the chance much in the last couple years. you NEED to get out and get involved with the things you love. i went out on a 4wheeler a couple summers ago. that was one of the funnest things. Living to the fullest means everyday, every moment. Crash when you need to Crash, take ur kids outside when you need to take your kids outside, get out camping or riding or surfing or snowboarding or whatever it is you feel free doing. That will make your life more enjoyable.

Hope: Proverbs 13:12 says, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick...". I believe that this is crutial to all lives. When we loose hope for something we get sick. A girl poors her heart out to a boy and he turns her down, her heart falls to the ground for a time because that hope, all the things she thought could/would be there aren't anymore. Same for the opposite.
A father tells his son that he's going to take him to the upcoming game (whatever game) and the boy is so excited, he's looking foward to this so much, and then the father has to cancel. The boys heart sinks...
Proverbs 13:12 continues and says, "...but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. " We need our longings fulfilled.
Most importantly, imho, our longing for love is the most important longing we have. And the truest form of love is from God. Takes a good while to figure that out sometimes. But He's got a world of love just for me, and just for you and just for everyone. That's the biggest part of fullfilled hope we need. Then the people around us, we need to support and be supported by.
Then the things we do. We need to have hope for today, for tomorrow, or else we start to wonder why we're doing anything at all...

That's all for now, cause i got work to do..you know, work...i'm enjoying it too...

may all your days be filled with the fulfillment of the longings in your heart...

Preying on the Poor...

I'm pretty sure somewhere in the Bible God said "look after the poor" or maybe even "Pray for the poor"...why is so much of society Preying on the poor...or at least so eager to take advantage of the downfalls and misfortunes of others? In the least they are taking advantage that most of society doesn't know how to budget...
So, i'm sitting in this Western Union yesterday, frustrated enough allready, but to add to all of that this particular WU is located in a "Money Mart", you know, one of those fast cash business' that you can get your cheque early if you can't afford to wait. i get a criptic feeling just being in one of those places. There was a poster on the wall with the statement "when you just can't wait till pay day", and it had a big picture of a guy standing there, holding these very large cigarette's that were on fire... how pathetic is that. sure, i smoke so i know when you run out of smokes and have no money, you'll do a whole lot of odd things to try and get urself a pack of the sweet toxins you're body is so craving. but why, when smoking is a large enough cost, are companies so willing to us such a thing as "smokes burning a hole in ur pocket" as a advertising tool. Oh and just to make them sound friendly their advertising slogan for the company is "Real People. Real Fast" ...are you kidding. that business is there for one sole purpose, to get as much money as they can out of people's lack of budgeting techniques.
i'm not the best of ones to talk, i suck at budgeting, but i also know full well that these places are there only to rip you off as much as you can. Banks in general, charges for everything these days. just to send a wire transfer of money cost me almost 300.00 yesterday, how awful is that. to send someone money. real people, really screwed...

When was the last time a company actualy came out for the benefit of the customer. I know starting a business is of course your 'bread and butter' and you need to live and why not make good money at it. But the gluttons of this society are far beyond getting their bread and butter. They are looking for every exploit possible to make as much money they can with as minimal cost as possible. I'm sick of companies that don't have a single shred of integrity and honesty in them. You know the best way to get your money's worth?..you have to bitch and complain, that shouldn't need to be done. The only reason i am satisfied with such services as Roger's Media is because i know that if i call and they document my account, and i call enough times to complain about something eventually i will get credit for my troubles. and that's hardly enough to satisfy me. i have no problems with Rogers right now so i'll leave htem out of it, but i'm sure someday i'll have lots to say about them. like...3 year contracts. 3 years?!?!...i guess when you look at the amount of people that don't move from one place it's not so bad. like my father, lived in the same city since he's been born, didn't leave for a thing, except the odd vacation. 55 years in one place. Not a bad place, works well for him etc. so in that sense, 3 year contracts aren't all that bad, but geez, for a person like myself, who has absolutely no idea where i'll be in 6 months from now let alone 3 years, contracts like that would be the end of me. cancelation for a regular cell phone contract?!?!. ..20/month up to 200.00...rediculous.

ok, enough ranting for now, i got work to do...or, a lunch hour to enjoy...

Western Union?!?...Western Crap is all it is...

Here's a question for you...
Ever feel like just hiding away and crying for a good while?!? And not from just one thing, like "oh she said no, but i like her so much" or "my teacher yelled at me.." etc.. i dunno, whatever things make you sad, but i'm talkin' a little deeper than that, like you feel something in your very core and it's aching. core, i mean the deepest place, the place where you are made up, the part of you that defines everything you are, everything you live by and everything you want to become. Where your dreams are held, where your life holds meaning. And at a point you look inside and doubt almost everything in that spot... You wonder why you are doing what you are doing, wonder why you are where you are, wonder what you should be doing, and really if the best is out there for you. Really all you are holding onto is that God is good. Infact, most people don't even have that to hold on to cause they don't know that. And i guess that's why in all this questioning and this wondering why, this wanting to run away and cry, i still have a sense of peace, i still know that God is good. so many people thing that God is elusive, but it's really just us hiding and eluding Him. A good friend used to say all the time "God doesn't turn His back on me, i'm just stupid and turn my back on Him." ...without calling oneself stupid that's a pretty damn good point. God won't turn His back on me, He loves me to much. Sounds almost cocky doesn't it. But it's revelation of God's love. I don't fully understand it, and some days i'd swear to you all (all zero of you reading this) that God's completely turned His back on me. But like i mentioned the other day, out of nowhere i get a "how are you doing"...and i know that God is looking over me, i know He's got his ever watchful eye on me, out of LOVE, not as a disciplinarian. So rest assured self, God's there beside you, you just need to keep realizing that. If He was out to get you, out to rough you up, He'd of done that a good chunk of time ago, that's for damned sure.

here's another good one... ever spend 3 hours in a Western Union trying to send money to Nigeria?!?! before i could've answered "Nope, and don't ever plan on it". Well if there's anything good about that, i could put it on my resume because that's what i did today. Thanx for coming out, geez. money problems, wrong numbers, bad exchange rates etc.. makes for an incredibly hectic afternoon.
So i walk in with USD, fill a form to send it away, the lady says "can't send US to nigeria, they want canadian, then THEY exchange it" (sleezy way to skim a little off the top using a brutal exchange rate) . So i say, i need xxxxCAD, how much US will that cost me?!? well she gives me a figure higher than the CAD amount i've asked for. I'm like "excuse me?..how is that possible, i know the USD has come down, but we're still not up on them". "i don't understand sir" "IDIOT..." "ok, here's how it works, i have xxxxUSD, i need xxxxCAD, HOW MUCH USD is it going to take to get me the xxxxCAD i need?!?!?!" "ok, just a second..."
i don't have time for the insane amounts of seconds this conversation has allready taken.
so i make the Western Union people sound dumb. Well, not far from that, but they were very nice about the whole ordeal and did help me out with my transaction, so kudos to them right...

ok, i'm out of here...stay tuned for tomorrow when i rant about the idea of a company based on peoples lack of being able to budget. dirty, just dirty...

where you been...

so, everyone asks "why you haven't blogged for so long"
well my answer...
sometimes i forget things. you know, like, you start something, and 3 months later someone says "so, how you doing with that", and u're like "oh shit, completely forgot"...
so this blogg is, in alot of ways, like a diet lol...you start a diet, and very shortly after you forget, then you remember, get a day of 'good' in and completely forget the next morning...

It's amazing to see how people run to different things for comfort. No need for specifics, but the staples are obvious. And when i sit down and think about how much BETTER it would be for me to actually just run to God, i wonder why in the hell i even turn to anything else. Then you end up looking back, over the last couple days, the last week, even the last month and beyond and think "God, what waisted time. How much closer could i be to you if i would've turned to you that one time, and the next time." it's like that with so many things isn't it. Addictions, comforts, diets, we try so hard and fail, and then look back and say "man, i'd be so far if only i could've stuck with it through those hard times.
So what do you do when you are in a hard time? well, the correct answer is 'run to God', and the actual answer is "i run away". oh i want to get away from it all, not necessarily run away, and leaving isn't always running away, it's what you do when you get there that defines running or getting away. I left toronto for a few days, i needed to Get away. good thing sometimes. but when i get home i realize all i want to do at home is 'run away'. it's almost an insult thinking that God isn't good enough to take care of my problems and i need to run to something else. whatever it is.

Life is no easy task. Whoever said it would be, was lying through their teeth, and they probably had big gangly narly teeth to begin with. The key to life, and i'm convinced of this, is to live through God. that sounds so cliche' christian crap, i know. but i look over my life experience, and before i ran into God and acknowledged i needed him, life was a hell hole. Then, once i thought i was at a great place with God, cause i knew him, i realized that most of my 'problems' were still right there beside me, so we begin this journey of working through all the hurts, and all the pains and all the disfunctions that are in our feeble little human lives. Forgiving those who have hurt us, asking forgiveness for the things we've done, trying so damn hard to get it right. it's easy to get into the mindset of "if i do it right, i am right, if i do it wrong/bad, i am bad". And God never once said that's how he works. he said "come to me all who are weary and heavy burdened, and I WILL give you rest." The last 3 days that's all that's been flying through my head "I HAVE NO PEACE...I HAVE NO REST"...and what have i done?..well i deffinitely haven't been running to God..until this morning i woke up and thought "i need your peace"...
how do you get it, how do you find the peace of God. well, he says he gives it freely. God is crazy like that, he loves us, for just being us, worst bits and all. I'm having a rough day the other day, i go outside to just relax, have a smoke, and what do i hear "how are you?". I'm like "GOD?!?"...of course i didn't hear this audibly, but it might as well have been. so i was honest, i said "i'm havin' a real rough go at it right now"...His response...simply this "i love you, you know"..
talk about almost breaking me.. God loves us even when we feel like everything is falling around us. He's absolutely amazing. The best way to find peace, is to ask.

wow, i'm preaching to myself lol. guess i better go put this little ditty into practice.

talk to ya later times...