i think...

i think i've realized something.

sometimes i get really nervous if i'm supposed to lead worship. and i think i just realized why it is that i get really nervous sometimes.... it's because it's a team sport..
and when you're playing with a team that you don't know, or that you think doesn't want to be there, or that you aren't used to playing with...it leaves something, that is all about the heart, a very precarious, worrisome event.

like...if i ask someone to play with me, and they have to see if they can fit it in their schedule, not if they can make it happen, but if they can 'fit it in'...then it's really not all that encouraging...
questions like "do you really need someone"...or "if you can find someone else that'd be great"..

i don't know....it's aded stress i just don't want right now...that's the long and short of it...
when, this shouldn't even be a stress thing...
i could stand up there by myself and do it... but who really likes to play alone...

It's not even about trying to find people...it's about finding people that have the same heart, that connect, that want to grow in it, not just suffer through it... do i smell funny?!?

strain on the muscles....soooo goood/bad...good...i don't know

after a full week of not having been able to get to the gym, i finally got there last night. did my full circuit routine and walked out feeling so nice.
i don't know if this has ever happ....wait..i KNOW this has never happened to me.. that i actually 'want' to go to the gym, that i enjoy it, that it's something that's not only part of my day, but an enjoyable part of my day, and my day just don't feel complete without it. how's that for a mystery huh?

onto the other troubling bit of information. i've been sick for almost 2 weeks...again, it feels like i have been nothing but sick this year. i'm really looking forward to a moment of health...
yesterday was decent...and then today, right now, i'm feeling much worse..
i was feeling good this morning, throat hurt a very small amount...but now, i'm back to being in much pain just from swallowing....no, not vania swallowing...
oops..

anyways...

and then...

And then it hits me...

i'm still so lonely, searching, looking, longing for that friend that I don't fully know.
I realize this as i sit here and my heart, yes, my heart, as retarded as that sounds, is begging and crying out to play video games... i know what you're thinking "Video Games?!?! Rob, that's just pizza, or something"...but the truth is friends, i haven't had pizza in weeks.
Video Games, because the types of Video Games i played were MMORPG...Massively Multi-player Online Role Playing Games. Meaning, You play with thousands of people, you have a common goal, no one really knows who you are because you are a character in a game, meaning, you can be anything you want, or at least, what really is seen is your 'character', your personality if you will. Well, to be honest, i really love my personality, i think i'm a funny, lovable, enjoyable guy, however, i really don't like who i am physically (i'm working on it, and in fact, i was in a place where i gave my testimony as to when God actually told me "hey, you are beautiful..." and it really hit me again that what i look like doesn't matter, that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and who holds the whole world in His hands?...our God, so i guess he's the beholder of all huh?)
anyways. It's much easier to hide than to teach yourself the truth....and so this longing, this really deep longing to hide, to disapear into a character that conquers worlds, that kills the beast that everyone loves and wants to be around...sounds really really apetizing right now...
Thankfully i cancelled that subscription....

see, these games conquer two parts of your heart, and that's why they are so addictive. You get to hide, be someone else, be something that is kewl, something that is powerful, something that is straight up Baddass...AND, it feeds that desire for power, it feeds that desire to conquer, to reign, and of course most of these games have a very spiritual aspect to them, (or at least the ones i played do) and so you are left with this need to have spiritual power, without the 'reading and praying part'...all you need to do is complete a quest by killing some dragons, or goblins, or ghosts and you get a new spell, that will burn with a fire of your gods and iluminate your way and burn the infernal enemies that stand before you....

yes, i know it sounds so exciting doesn't it?...in fact...a good friend of mine used to ask me why i didn't read the bible, and instead i read the devil-book....now, he's laughing as he reads this, and the rest of you (all 1 of you that read this site) have absolutely no idea what i'm talking about...
but friend, i'll have you know, i haven't read the devil book in a long time, yet, i did read my bible this morning...

so, i'm left with this desire to fight, to conquer, but mostly, i'm left with this burning desire to be accepted....loved....covered, and lead...leading and learning....growing...but really....accepted.

i think i'll work for a while longer, then hit up the gym...

what's up with that?!?

this is such a quick entry,
so if you come here for some meat, you will be sorely disapointed...i'm sorry...

but i just had this crazy thought.

I had lunch today with a couple of people i absolutely adore, who happen to be a 'couple'...a married couple that is, and i've been sitting here thinking (and working, don't get all bent out of shape, jeez, i can multi-task like it's nobody's business....like...it's not your business, see, that's how much i can multi-task. wow, that saying makes no sense, none what-so-ever).
So anyways, it got me thinking. Why is it that married couples, hang out with other married couples, and the rest of us single folk really only hang out with these 'married' couples once we are in fact a couple of our own. So, to hang out with a married couple, i would in fact have to become a married couple (which, if you haven't noticed, is quite difficult...and if it was easy for you i don't want to hear about it :P ).

anyways. It's just an observation, not entirely true, as in, 100% true, but i'd wager it's a good 90% true. Or maybe it's just true around here.
I don't know.

I think what really got me thinking about it was the fact that i started thinking about becoming a married couple (that sounds weird...but, you know what i mean). Anyways, i had this flash thought "is it because i think that will gain me another level of acceptance?"

guess it's back to the drawing board on this whole sonship / orphan thing huh?
yay for things triggering stuff in your heart you don't really want to deal with...yet, you really want to deal with, because it might just make life that much more exciting...

anyways,

that's about all i got for now, so you'll have to forgive the useless yet, un-exciting comment.

power, wisdom, sovereignty....the qualities of a normal man...

so, this has been kinda near the forefront of my mind the last week or so...
Genesis 1:26 "And then God said, let us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness..."

So, when the issue of the Father heart of God come up, this verse usually comes up. Rightfully so. But what about the other 2?
If the trinity is true, which i fully believe, then it must also be true that God, if indeed eternal, never beginning, never ending, has always been Father, Son and Spirit. So, in Genesis 1, when it says that man was made in "Our image"...it's talking all 3, the complete trinity.
Sure, you may have noticed this and this is nothing new for you, but for me, my friends, this is something i didn't think about until last week. That i was created, in the image of not only my Father God, but my Saviour, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit.

And i heads it over to dictionary.com (probably one of my favourite websites ever.)
and it defines likeness as:
1. The state, quality, or fact of being like; resemblance.

The fact of being like.
God created us in the 'fact of being like' Him and His 2 counterparts...or...Him and Himself and Himself....however you want to look at it...

i don't even want to pretend i know what this means...
but it does blow my mind. that when God thought Rob...he thought God...
God looked in the mirror and was like "i look good...i really like myself....let's make Rob like Me."

i don't know if that's exactly how it happened..don't get me wrong, i'm not trying to presume i understand how God things up creating someone, or bringings someone into existence...
but as i sit here, i can't help but think. God can create anything, destroy anything, and deffinitely NOT create anything...so why did He create me?....why did He create you?!?
There HAS to be a purpose....so much higher than just living....
so much higher than just existence....higher than just wandering around aimlessly.
How dare i wander around aimlessly... when there's such a HUGE God to get to know...

and yet, as i sit here. I realize how tired i am. the fact that i was up at 5:40am this morning, that i'm absolutely wrecked and that all i really want to do is sleep...
But there's such a HUGE God to get to know...it blows my mind...and i want to get to know Him, oh man do i ever. everything in me begs or it....my body is just asking for sleep.
so tonight, i gotta go to bed earlier, sure...
i gotta eat healthier, because if you eat bad food you get more tired...
i need to focus on what's important and not on the everyday mundain of life, the useless things that come and go and don't mean a hill-o-shit...

i really want to do what's important...think about it...if i go home, sit on my ass and do nothing, i've gained what?....nothing....if i go home and watch tv, what have i done?...well, i've excercised my 'god-given-right' to relax?!?....bleh...come on now..i've waisted another hour of my time...

So, i'm probably going to get off my lazy ass and walk over to the healthy eating section of the starbucks/chapters i'm sitting in right now and look over some books that might get me from point A (where i am now) to point B....cause if you aren't moving...you're dying...or sleeping..

self improvement?..i dunno....
self preservation? ..i dunno....
self explination? ..even worse...

although, there is this girl that's sitting at a table near me..and by looking at her, i'm not really thinking she's short or anything....but..and this is the kicker...she just got up to go get another drink.....she's gotta be 4'2"...i swear....shortest little thing i've ever seen....hilarious..
it's only hilarious cause in my head (not that i was thinking about her)...but ya know, you notice something out of the corner of your eye, or even stare at it blankly...and then something happens with that object or person or whatever it is that you were looking at, and it's completely different than you thought in your mind?!?!...

*cricket* *cricket*

ok...no one else has that.....sweet...

i wish somedays i thought less...and enjoyed more.
like...how many days go by that i don't at some point get that nagging "hey, you're still single" thing fly through my head...
or "hey, why'd you mess up earlier, last night, again, right now, later on?!? you always mess up"
or "gonna read or veg tonight"
or "do you even have ANY clue what you are talking about?"
or "you really need to spend more time with God" "you really need to eat less" "you really need to sleep more" "you really need to read more" "you really need to........"



OH SHUT UP.........

5 times, 5x, 5 strings...plus 1

so,

this week was a monumental week for me.
I started at the gym on monday. talk about a shift in my daily routine...my goodness.
Even managed to get there 5 times...one of those times on saturday even. i tell ya, talk about a shift in the lifestyle...wow..
so, the meals still need work. i'm having a harder time sticking to the healthy than just eating whatever i want...but i have been able to push snacks and stuff away, which is a start i guess.
hense the 5 times...

finally got the Shaun Alexander jersey i ordered in january this past week. unfortunately it's a 5x, and slightly to small. i know i know... 5x should be good, but it's not unfortunately. refer back to the first paragraph if you need an explination.
hense the 5x...

led worship at church this morning, from the guitar, accoustic guitar, for the first time ever. talk about a difference. man, not only are my fingers incredibly sore (something i'm not all together foreign to, as i've been playing bass for 16 years...) but i loved it....i really did, it was great fun. I also realized that the callouses (sp) on my fingers from playing bass for so many years, are slightly in a different spot that i would play guitar on...obvious due to the raging pain and blisters currently situated on the tips of my 4 fingers on the left hand.
hense the 5 strings....plus 1

see....all of those you could plus 1 to:
gym - 5 times in 6 days (should've gone 6)
jersey - 5x ...need a 6x (not for long hopefully)
guitar - 5 strings ...plus 1 (and a whole lotta pain)

---------------

Why is it that when you try to change your life in certain area's the other area's you have trouble / problems with, tend to get stepped up a notch?
example. I started going to the gym this week and watching what i'm eating etc... taking a proactive stance on my body getting bettter. but, my constant want and need for getting closer to God takes a back seat due to the onslaught of "oh my goodiness my life just changed so damn much and i'm sooooo tired i could sleep at 12noon let alone be practically passed out by 9pm." that you end up not doing what you need to do most. Do i need to change my body? yes, sure do, with furry and haste. but does that take the place of God...no way. He's still my source for change and help, comfort. so, instead of taking the time i've promised and said i would take to be with my saviour, i end up being way to tired (in my opinion) and do foolish things...taking on other addictions to make up for the loss of the first one.

(Life - Addiction001) + Addiction002 = no better off.
(Life - Addiction001) + God = Renewed Life...life more abudant. the life we're supposed to live.

So, God, this is where i turn to you. My addictions in life are deffinitely replaceable. That much is certain. replaceable by other addictions, but hopefully, and this is where You come in, they need to be replaced by Your presence.
God i need your presence. I need to replace what i give up with you, because if i don't, i haven't given up anything at all have i?

and there it is....ya ever realize that when you just ramble and talk and pray and let your thoughts come out, somewhere in there, at some point you're going to hit the sentance that sums it all up perfectly....and that was it

If you don't replace what you give up with something better, You haven't given up anything at all...

another thing i've realized is that as much as we realize about ourselves that we need to change, we can't expect things to go perfectly and smoothly right off the start. For instance, i did great at the gym this week, but i did miss one day, and working on the food end of things has been rough...
and because i'm having a rougher time adjusting to the schedule than i thought, i gave into the tired attitude and put less time into God and more time into other addictions....

BUT, if i beat myself up about this, and just get all over my own case, i have much higher probability of failure....we gotta keep level headed. and i think that's the most important part.
people are so easily bent out of shape due to failure and misconception of 'right / wrong' and God's viewpoint on situations.
God is for us, not against us. A good friend of mine told me one day:
"You do what you Can, and God will do what you Can't"...

no truer words can be said...we can't do more than we can do (so obvious, but we think so little about the reality of that).
To ere is human...i believe is the saying. It's true. we will ere, we will fall, we will struggle and push through our problems, and some days we will not make it as far and as well as others.
But God is good, and He is for us, not against us. Let's please not get so bent out of shape over our stumblings. Pick yourself back up and go again.

There is a time to grow up, it's called ALWAYS. Learn from your mistakes, Learn from your mishaps and your trials....and let God guide you towards the point B he has for your life.

"If joy really comes in the morning, then I'm gonna sit back and wait until the next sun rise..."

notice something?!?

so, Genesis 1 says:
"... male and female He created them...And there was evening and there was morning, the sixth day..."

so, everything that happened between creating Adam, and creating Eve, happened in the same day. Interesting ....that's either one crazy long day, or the "to God a day is like a thousand years" was in effect at the time..or something...

just a thought

Battle for your ground, it's yours...won't you take it

I am who I am...because i have not love
I believe what i believe...because i have not love
I do not understand...because i have not love
I hurt and am hurt...because i have not love

When was the last time you realized you had no idea what love was?
Probably right after someone hurt you, probably right after someone told you that they didn't like you (as a result of you telling them that you were sure you loved them). Maybe it was right after a friend left, and you don't miss them, or you left, and you don't feel missed.

Try to remember the last time you felt truly loved...
Can you explain it for me? Can you define for me what love is. What it feels like, what it tastes like, smells like, what it does for me, what it does for you, what it is so that when i see it i can grab ahold of it and never let it go...

This is what I wonder...I won't say i believe it, because i don't know...But i do wonder, right now, sitting here, i wonder... Do we even know what love is? I can with a slightness in my heart say yes, for very few situations, and with an almost assuredness in my heart, i can say no, for many situations.

My love for my family is love, i know this because it's the strongest thing i've ever felt....and it pains me when it's broken in anyways...particularly my brother...I'm not sure there is anyone i have ever loved more, and who i know beyond a shadow of a doubt, and have never doubted that he loves me... And sadly, almost every other person in the world, if not all, that i have known and have believed i've loved, and believed have loved me, there has been a time, if not more than one, that i have doubted their love for me.

So, all my fears, and all my worries and all my quiverings can rest on one fact...i must find love, i must find what love is. i must find out what this love is, because if i don't, my life is lost.

"If i speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If i have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If i give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing."

How many of us can, by this statement, by this set of scripture, how many can say "I am nothing"...or at least, on my way to being nothing? I can. I look at this scripture and can honestly with all my heart state that I am on my way to being nothing, because I do not have love. Why do i say this? Not to depress, not to hurt, not to pain or change ones viewpoint on their lives and the love they have. I believe that love grows, i believe that love is strong, and that we do know what love is, but we don't know fully, and that's what is our problem.

And i can say this because :

Love is Pastient
Love is Kind
Love is Not Jealous, Does Not Envy
Love is Not Arrogant
Love does not act unbecomingly, does not act rudely
Love does not seek it's own
Love is not provoked
Love does not take into account a wrong suffered
Love thinks no evil
Love does not rejoice in unrighteousness / iniquity
Love rejoices in the truth
Love bears all things
Love believes all things
Love hopes all things
Love endures all things
Love never fails

So, if that is what love is, and there's sentances and statements in there i don't even understand (ie. love does not seek it's own), then i guess i better get into this thing, and figure out what love is.

IF I HAVE NOT LOVE, I AM NOTHING...

how powerful is that... Love is the base for all we are.

God is Love, and we are created in His image. The scriptures don't say God has love, or loves, or that He even has ALL the love, it says He IS love. If God IS love, then God = Love. If i am created in Loves image, i must look and be much like love... yes / no?

If i've ever seen something worth studying, this is it.
So, here at lifeandwords, i'm going to try and spend time on each of these points, what makes up love. The deffinition of Love that comes from 1 Corinthians 13. It's worth it. Because if i can learn to love, truly love, then i can learn to cast out fear...the fear in me, and the fear in you...

Today begins a new journey. A new path. A path towards what may be, a path towards what is to come and what has been promised. If there is to be life, then there must be freedom, and freedom must come, or all is lost.

God, I give you my life. As tomorrow i start to hit up the gym (yup, you heard me right, i'm scared shitless...but man, if i can learn love, then i might have a fighting chance)...as i turn towards a path i have not traveled, but taken a few steps and failed in the past. I turn to you, because you are where my help comes from, you are where my security must lie. My body does not make who i am, but my body can send me to heaven alot quicker than i want, and hold me back from completing all you have for me and all i want to do.

I have more life to live than i am currently living...

God give me grace, give me peace, let your mercy and love reign down on me, because i know this will be a battle that can take my life and drive a sword deeper into me than i've ever felt. I also know that this is a battle i can walk out of, ontop. I can walk through this valley, and come out ontop of a mountain, high and glorious, standing in the sun, standing before my maker, living the life You intended for me to live. Let my life be a sacrifice, and let my sacrifice bring glory to your name.

All the glory, all the honour, all the love in all the world and all of what i am, i lay down before You...

Your Kingdom come, Your will be done...Here...In my life, on this earth, as you have already designed and already completed in heaven, where time and space play no role...

Growing up doesn't always mean ...

I wanna tackle something this afternoon.

***WARNING - THIS MESSAGE GOES OUT TO ROBERT MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD***

I'm sick and tired of lies affecting the people i love. And i'm even more angered by the fact that most of the lies are completely preposterous.

I've been sitting back watching people crumple to the ground for far to long. And so have you. Plain and simple. Any where from 60-99% of people reading this (and if it's just me, then congratulations i've hit 100%) have been right beside me in this respect.
I'm going to being absolutely bold and say this: "It starts with YOU..."

Here's where we've gone wrong.
Mark 12:30,31 "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your stength. The second is this 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these."

I'm not pointing towards verse 30, i'm pointing towards verse 31. Love your neighbor as yourself. We have not been loving ourselves. Plain and simple, from the very reality of why things in this world are the way they are, we have not learned to love ourselves. It starts with YOU...
If God wanted us to love everyone else, and then deal with our issues later, he would have said "love your neighbor..." end of sentance...love your neighbor, but he didn't. I believe Jesus was trying to hit on a very serious point here of "where is your love for yourself?".

God's focus is not who He loves through you, it's that He loves YOU.
the great commandment is 3 commandments not 2.
It's - Love God, Love Yourself, Love Your Neighbor

It's a known fact you can't give someone something that you yourself do not have. I can not give someone a 20bill when i haven't a 20bill in my pocket. I can't love someone, if i don't know how to love myself.

This is a harsh statement simply because if i look at my own life honestly, I will quickly see that i do NOT love myself at all. In fact, there's a very serious reality that i very much dislike myself.
Yet, I turn around and for all the things I dislike abut myself, i tell the people around me that i love, and even the people around me that i don't know, the exact opposite i believe for my own life. This covers ALL area's of my life, and i know a very large group of people this affects.

I believe no one will love me because of my weight and the fact that i think i'm ugly. plain and simple.
YET, i will look at someone, with all sincerity in my heart, with complete conviction and love and tell them that this is NOT the case for their lives, that they are NOT ugly, that there is no such thing as ugly except evil, and that they are created in the image of God, the perfect form of beauty and glory.
Trust me, i just looked this up. In the NIV, the NASB, and the Amplified versions of the Bible the world UGLY is mentioned in Genesis about the dream involving the "gaunt and UGLY cows" that represented the 7 year famin over Egypt. And in the NIV it jumps to Revelation about one of the bowls that is poured over the earth and 'UGLY sores break out all over the people'. The NASB and Amplified stick just to revelation, and the KJV doesn't have the word UGLY in it once, not even one (1) time.
So you tell me that you are ugly with a straight face....there's no such thing.

But for my own life, i will tell you very plainly with honesty and most times a tear in my eye, that i think i'm ugly. That the world's basis for beauty is in looks, and looks define a person's beauty, and the fact that overweight, and size do NOT = beauty. Yet, i can look at someone bigger than eye and see absolute beauty. How sick is that.

I have a friend, whom will remain nameless, who is incredibly attractive, beautiful and lovely in all ways, turn to me one day and say, "i caught myself say the other day 'I must just come to the terms and agreement that I am not attractive, that I am not beautiful."
From any stand point i'm going to say "correction, not even close to being true..." and even from the worlds deffinition of beautiful this person is absoltuely gorgeous, yet somewhere deep in her heart was sitting this thought "i'm not attractive, i need to just get to that conclusion and stick with it, cause nothing good will happen."

Why have people allowed this sort of 'truth' to be just floating around in our heads. More importantly, why is the church standing by and doing oh so little about it.

I'm sick of hearing story after story of people being addicted to pornography because they don't believe there will ever be anyone that will love them, so what's the point, let's stair into the eyes of someone who the world has told me is beautiful, and bring whatever satisfaction i can out of it.

I'm tired of hearing people say they aren't beautiful, i'm tired of people being alone, i'm tired of people having so many questions in their heart based on the fact that they have suffered rejection at the hands of a person who is only acting out of their lonely and hurt behaviour.

Tell me something...how do we combat this? Other than hijacking every major radio/video station in the world and getting the 'message' out there...which won't work anyways because people are completely brainwashed into believeing the lies. Trust me, i'm sitting here speaking truth, but i don't believe it for myself.

I don't say these things to condemn those who don't have love for themselves. I say these things because there's got to be an answer, there's God to be a time when we can stand up and say " I AM GOOD".... "I am good because God made me that way, and when He made me he said 'ROB IS GOOD' and He screamed it from the top of His lungs and all of heaven has been echoing that truth since before the dawn of time..."

When will the time come when i hear the echo from behind me "you are ugly" and i turn around and look that beast in the face and stair it down, with complete confidnece in my heart and mind and scream deeply into this thing "BACK THE F***OFF, YOU KNOW WHO I AM"

When will the church get fierce...

Jesus said, "ALL authority has been given to me..."
If someone has ALL of something, then what does the other guy have?....NOTHING
there can't be ALL + 1...it's ALL and NOTHING

Jesus lives in me, and allows me to opperate in His authority because he has called me a friend, a brother, a lover... The only authority the enemy has, is the authority that we give him. ALL authority means ALL authority, not, Jesus went into hell, took all the keys back BUT one...it doesn't work like that...
Let's drop that idea of the enemy having power, he does not have his own power, he can only work through the power that we give him.

So here's the thing.

BREAK THE AGREEMENT...

I am beautiful. You know why I am beautiful? Because God made me that way, because i was made in His image, and in God is ALL beauty and ALL pleasure and ALL glory, and He lives inside of me.
I am lovely. You know why I am lovely? Because God made me that way, because God made me and said "you are lovely". He made me with a sense of humour that brings smiles to more people than i know, He gave me courage and boldness, He gave me ears that hear and eyes that see where He is so that i can bring His presence into the reality of this world.
I am powerful. You know why i am powerful? Because God made me to be powerful. Because God said "Rob, I have called you to be a powerhouse, I have called you to stand up for the people of this world, stand up and grow bigger than the world told you that you would get, grow bigger than the people around you said you would be....I've built you to bring My very Kingdom."
I am a son....I am a son because Jesus Christ died on the cross, because he turned to me in my time of need, my time of desperation and cried out of His heart "I LOVE YOU..." and then he died. And time and time again he comes to me and cries out of His heart these very words that bring me life, the very words that bring depth to my existence.

Here's the best part...

SO ARE YOU......

believe it, it's time to, because if we don't, this world keeps going downhill.

I got to much to do to be hindered by just another lie...

-Robert Moses Augi-

time upon time...

Well, there is a good portion of you who will hate me for the fact that I’m sitting in the lobby of a cruise boat in the middle of the Bahamas... but if it’s any consolation, I’m paying 10.50USD / 30min for my internet. Oh, I’m smarter than sitting here typing on the blogger website, trust me, I’ve typed this whole thing on Microsoft Word, and now I bring it to you courtesy of Ctrl+C / Ctrl+V. So Ctrl, C & V please take a bow, sit down and shut up cause there’s lots to talk about tonight.

I’ve recently realized that I learn a lot from verbal process of information, and at the same time God tends to give me quite a lot of revelation as I talk. It’s a wonder why I got in so much trouble when I was a young lad, and now it’s such a fabulous mechanism for God to teach me stuff…hrmmm.. hooda-thunk-it…

Oh..did I mention that I’m having a beer out of a metal bottle. Now, it’s not a beer I would choose on a regular basis, being that it’s Bud Light, but the fact that it’s incredibly cold, and going down like water, makes it one of the tastiest beverages this side of Cuba (which we are currently 13 miles north east of (I think) ). I digress, but really, you should see it…if I wasn’t so lazy I’d walk up to my room and get my camera, take a picture, put it on my laptop and post it here on this blog entry. However, the internet, being satellite isn’t the fastest… and at .35 / min I’m going to opt out of your visual needs of my story.

So, you’ll have to just imagine me sitting on deck 5 of the Star Princess, right in the middle of the promenade which is a nice hole of 3 decks, Deck 5 being the bottom and currently I’m looking up to the peoples walking out of the promenade bar on Deck 7. It really is a wonderful concept…a boat with bars and pizza and all manner of wondrous things. I wish you could all be here. Although I don’t know if anyone would ever even read this because I’m horrible at blogging, so no one checks this thing anymore, if anyone ever checked it in the first place.

Hrmm… I was saying something about verbal processing of information huh?

I swear I had a point to convey after that. I’m going to start talking, and see what happens. See, this is either an incredibly good thing, or it just means that I absolutely LOVE the sound of my own voice, which if you know me, is quite true. So here goes.

God’s been talking to me a lot about Obedience lately. What it means to be obedient and why it’s so important. Not just “it’s a good thing to be obedient” but it really is a matter of life and death. I think I’m starting to realize that when Jesus said “I’ve come to give you life and life to the full” he meant “listen to me, it will get you really far in life.”

Life is choices, a long string of choices that result in a long string of results. I wake up and I’m faced with the choice of wanting to live, I’m faced with the choice to follow God or follow what I want. I’m faced with the desire to live my way, but the choice to sacrifice that and lay it down for the sake of getting into the face of God and reaping benefits far greater than I could ever imagine.

What’s the severity of this? Well, I’m sitting here thinking of Israel and how God said “take the land, it’s Yours”…they all went “no way, giants are scary we’re out of here”

Obedience = taking the land

Disobedience = 40 years in the wilderness that results in that whole generation dying (am I right, I dunno, I gotta read my Bible more… but I’m sure I’m right on this one)

OH MY GOODIE-NESS….Bill Johnson just sat down no less than 4 feet away from me…. I am so-o-o-o-o-o nervous… what if he says hi, or ….oh wow..

And I’m back…sorry… I love the sound of my voice like I said, and specially when I get to go all crazy with the emphasis and stuff…I’m a little kid, I know. Oh, I turned 24 on this past Sunday, still not sure how I feel about that. I think I’m ok with it, but then again I just don’t know. I got carded walking into the bar on the ship that we went to that night, so that’s good …. Or bad… I dunno.

And back to my verbal diarrhea, I mean processing.

I think what’s really amazing is the fact that God is so gracious. I have a really great example and here it is. Since I was 15 years old I’ve been smoking, in fact it was probably about January or early, early February of my 15^th year (so right before I turned 16) that I started smoking. I wasn’t all that keen on God at the time and definitely wasn’t listening to him, I wanted to fit in and didn’t have a madd amount of friends so why not light up. There’s a choice I could’ve done without (now that I look at it 8 years later).

I quit smoking when I was 19 and moved to Toronto to go to school. My reasoning was simply that I had to, I was completely afraid of leadership and it was rule, so ya gotta follow it or you’re kicked out of school, plain and simple. Then God did amazing things in my heart where I wasn’t so afraid of leadership, and realized that I’m actually likable etc… and a year and a half later I started smoking again. Brilliant huh? Well, that’s my second bad choice (yup, only made 2 my whole life). So, that was 3 years ago now and I’ve tried to quit multiple times, the best of which was a 5 month stretch last fall, then one day I woke up, said “hrmm..might as well have a smoke”. And most recently I gave smoking up for about a month, up until last Friday, where I realized I was leaving for a cruise the next day, and thought “oh God, I don’t know if I can go a whole week on vacation without smoking, so might as well not try and just start smoking, that’s a sweet idea”… so last Friday (ya, before I even got on vacation) I lit up and had a few smokes, and then between Saturday and today I went through almost 4 packs…not bad for someone who’s quit huh?

Here’s where my point comes in. I get on the cruise on Sunday, my whole concept for the week is “I’m on vacation, it’s ok” and instantly God starts to talk to me about all of this smoking jazz and why I’ve started again and such.

The very first night during worship Lindell Cooley (www.gracechurchnashville.com) starts prophesying that “today is the day, don’t wait till tomorrow”. Good scripture behind that, why put off till tomorrow, what you can do today. Well, God is talking to me the whole time, the whole evening, specially at that point, the fact that He’s asking me to stop smoking. See, told ya I’d get to obedience somewhere. What’s my head saying at that moment, you may ask? “I’m on vacation, I told you this Lord.”

His response (and such a cleaver one I might add), “You don’t get vacation from me son.” Oh man, you are so correct, how incredible is that, I’ve always had that thought in my head somewhere of just being on vacation sometimes. Oh I’m going on a trip, so I don’t need to think about God cause I’m on vacation. We don’t get vacation from God. (but that’s an entirely different thought pattern I’m not going to follow right now, but I really should sometime soon cause I think I might just get some really really really really good stuff about of it). So, then I see this vision of myself, full grown man (and you all know me, I’m quite full grown…and..uhh…man) and I’m drooling…but I’m drooling cigarettes…that’s right, DROOLING cigarettes. And God says to me, “when you wipe the drool from your lips, you will see yourself grow up. Interesting huh, usually a father will wipe the drool from his son’s mouth for him. BUT, here’s the kicker, God’s taken smoking away from me, He’s already wiped that drool from my mouth, and I’m deliberately drooling. Completely at my own will, completely on my own, letting myself just sit there and dribble when I could be growing up.

Well, that was last Saturday, and as I’ve already stated I’ve gone through almost 4 packs of smokes since then. The funny part, which there is more than one, but one of them is the fact that I wasn’t really enjoying the smoking all that much. Honestly, it was just kinda like work, it was “I’m on vacation, I’m going to enjoy this cigarette. I know it’s a marb light and tastes like shit, but I’m going to enjoy it anyways” (no I don’t know what shit tastes like….grow up)

So, God’s talking to me all day everyday every moment I have a smoke in my hand, every thought pattern involves my obedience toward what God has told me. Now, before you all feel guilty for smoking, I’m not here saying having a cigarette is a sin. That’s just an argument I’ve had with too many people too many times. But when God tells you to stop, then it’s disobedience when you don’t actually stop, that’s where the sin comes in. And so I’m smoking, la la la, and it’s really great and all, I’m arguing with God so much that eventually I can tune Him out to it, and half enjoy my vomitateous cigarette.

Here’s what God has been teaching me about Obedience.

When we obey what God asks us to do, we are standing in His grace to obey, and we are walking on His path towards Him, towards the destiny He has for us. When we choose (and remember it’s all about choice, life is a pattern of choices that lead us to an end) to disobey, we are willfully stepping out of that place of grace, willfully stepping off that path that God has put us on and stepping onto a path that we are selves are hoping will lead to somewhere special and good. And then we wonder why it seems like God is against us, or that He’s got it out for us etc.. Now don’t get me wrong, God is a Father of Love and grace. But if we continually step out of that, with no intention of stepping back into it (in certain area’s of our lives) we allow ourselves the opportunity of being blindsided by a nifty attack of our enemy. God has absolutely amazing grace and I’m going to get to some of that later, but for now I’m more going for the “what path are we on?”

God puts us on a path towards Him, towards the life he has for us. And when we disobey, choosing to step off that path, we see a rabbit off to the side of the trail and follow it, and we get a little pre-occupied by something else other than what God wants for us. This is not to say we start all the way at the beginning again, but we can’t cut straight across and get onto the trail ahead of where we were, we have to go back to where we stepped off the trail. So if we are living in disobedience, we are hindering our progress on God’s path, because we’ve willfully stepped off it, choosing to believe we can run our lives better than God can advise us to.

**and my beer is empty….shooot*

so, this is a huge revelation God has been showing me in the last couple weeks, that when we step out of Obedience we step out of His will, and out of the place of grace.

Here’s an example…Say God tells you to do something, and after you do that something you will receive a gift. But you don’t do the thing God told you to do, you do something completely opposite, but you are still living in the mindset that God is going to give you the gift, because you’re sure you heard God right?

Well, if A + B = C, we can’t really expect A + X = C can we? (where X is opposite to B J)

So, God tells (A) me that he wants to bless me with a new job (C), but He’s also asking (B) me to not tell anyone about it. Well I turn around and tell (X) everyone about it, that God is going to give me that job I wanted…

A = God’s promise to me

B = the path to get to God’s promise

C = the pot of Gold at the end of the path

X = the rabbit trail that puts me off the path

Do you really think I’m going to make it to C?

Remember, life is a series of choices. So, I’m sitting there, I’ve told everyone and I’m now wondering why I don’t have my new job, what’s going on, I’m sure God told me he was going to give me that new job, why is it that I can never hear from God properly?!? Why do I have such a hard time hearing God’s voice?!?...

This is where the enemy really takes the opportunity to have his way with our minds.

Here’s the truth. I heard God, loud and clear, and He wasn’t lying, His heart is to give me this great job. He’s also asked me to walk the path to get that job, but I chose to try and get there a different way. But I don’t have the road map, God does. So I take a step in the wrong direction and run with it, and God is sitting there “oh son, just come this way…” and I’m like “no no, don’t worry dad, I got this one…”

Good call doofus (that’s me saying that, not God)

I gotta own up and take responsibility for my actions, realize that indeed God wants to give me a gift, but if I don’t listen to him, if I don’t obey, I take things into my own hands, step out of grace, step out of that place of obedience where blessing and abundance and fullness of life flow freely and I jump into the lake of uncharted waters that I think I can navigate myself. It just doesn’t work.

Here’s where grace comes in.

God told me a long time ago that He wanted to be close to me, He also said that one of the ways that would happen was to stop smoking. I knew that smoking was getting in the way of my relationship with God. I was foolish, made more excuses than I care to think of. “Smoking isn’t a sin…” “God = Grace = Forgiveness” “you’re just religious, get off my back and quit telling me how to live…” ..blah blah blah, I argued till I was blue in the face and it got me nowhere, except asking constantly why I wasn’t closer to God that I wanted to be. And as I mentioned earlier, we don’t get vacation from God. So, if God has asked me to stop smoking, and the other side of that is going to be a life that has less in the way between me and God, I should listen right? Oh, there are going to be other things that God asks me to give up that get in the way of our relationship, that goes hand in hand with how much He’s been talking to me about sacrifice, which is pretty close to obedience…or almost the exact same thing huh?

So all week I’ve been arguing with God that I’m on vacation, that I’ll quit next week etc…and God has been relentlessly pursuing me, going to the max on getting my heart, getting me to give up what gets in the way of our relationship. He’s a good friend like that, always wanting to be closer than we currently are.

I find myself today standing on the deck of this ship looking out over the water having a cigarette and yet again God starts to talk to my heart, “give this up…” and my heart gets heavy, man does it get heavy, just feeling so “I don’t want to, I don’t want to, I don’t want to…. I want to…but I don’t want to”.

And then God said the most simple, but incredibly profound thing I’ve heard all day. He said, “If obedience can bring such blessing, how much torment can disobedience bring?”

I looked out over the water and remembered Jonah being eaten by a whale because of his disobedience….talk about a bad day and/or 3. think about that, think of being swallowed by a whale, that’s not even possible is it? Well it happened, and if you see Jonah in heaven before I do, tell him I says “sorry man, that’s just shitty”…

This is the thing….God doesn’t just punish His children left and right, but what His children often do is step out of the place of obedience, dragging us out of the grace and favour of God leaving us susceptible to what is really due our actions.

After saying this, I see very clearly in my Spirit man (another long conversation I need to have at some point with myself….man I love the sound of my own voice/thoughts/typings). I see 2 angels standing behind me and they have both of their hands on my chest and lungs, and I hear very clearly God say, “I have been protecting you…”

I was sitting at lunch with a friend yesterday and we were talking about the amount of times I’ve been in the hospital in the last month (7 times in a period of 12 days) and how I got incredibly sick, and all the tests came back clean and clear.

I’ve put a solid 24 years into ruining my body. Seriously, it’s hard to admit somedays, but I’ve in no way looked after my body, I’ve been smoking for the last 8 years, and I’ve been eating more and more and more and all the wrong things time and time again. I’ve put my body in last place, right behind the trash can. I walk out of my doctors office and he says, “well, your blood work comes back good. You’re healthy, your cholesterol is normal, your blood pressure is normal, your blood sugar levels are normal, your breathing is normal, your ___insert body function of any sort here___ is normal.”

How’s that possible? I have not looked after myself at all, and I’m fine, I haven’t ruined anything yet….Thank you God.

God has been protecting me. But I realized, how long can disobedience go on before I step to far out of God’s grace and something happens? God doesn’t remove grace in my opinion, He’s so good that he’s always wanting to pour grace, love, joy, etc… over our lives, but He has also given us free will, so my choices affect what He is able to do.

As I realized all of this I flicked the cigarette that I was smoking over the balcony of the deck I was standing on, reached into my pocket, pulled out the remainder of the pack of smokes I had and bent them in every which direction, making the conscious effort to be obedient.

Here’s my point, Obedience breeds blessing, breeds closeness to God. Disobedience, if it doesn’t bring us backwards, it will at least hinder us moving forward in our relationship with God, our destiny in Him and our lives that we are living here on this earth.

When God asks you to be Obedient, for your own sake, for God’s sake, for the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven, obey, as hard as it may look and as hard as it may be, if you are willing to make that choice towards obedience, you will see yourself get closer to the one who created you.

God’s constant desire is to bring us closer and closer and closer to Himself, and only we can hinder that process. It’s a walk, it’s learning, I got lots more things to give up and lots more avenues of obedience to walk down, but if you can make that one step towards being obedient where He’s asking today, the next time will be easier, because you will be doing it from a stronger relationship with Him.

Here’s to living a life of good choices…24 might just be a good year ;)

p.s. - i'm gonna try and blog every week...just to verbal process if nothing more

that's alot of blog

think of all the people in the world blogging today...
"OH GOODINESS...it's new years and i haven't blogged lately....better start the year off right and blog lots"...
uh huh...

it's not everyday you wake up, look in the mirror and say "you are a total screw up, ya know that?"
yet, lately i've wanted to look in the mirror and say that everyday...
the part that pisses me off the most is that i can do shit that i look at and say "damn that was retarded..." and go ahead and do it again...or the way my mind works and reacts and questions and fights with things, i know the damn answers...the answers are simple....yet...the hardest thing i've ever had to do...
sacrifice is such a fucked up word...such a messed up concept ....and such a reality it scares the piss out of me...i odn't know how to truly sacrifice...i don't even know what it means to sacrifice...
brb...checking dictionary.com
well that helped...i still have no idea what it means..
all i know is that i wonder if i can live if i make the sacrifices i see i probably should make... and by 'probably should make', i mean 'i know i need to, but i'm to damn scared to say it'...
it's so screwed up.,....i see people that i admire so much for the choices they've made and the relationship and intimacy with God that their live styles have pulled them into, and i wonder if i want to live like that...so pathetic...
it's so dumb..i actually think "wow..i think that life is boring"...
and then i look at my life and say "but i'm so damn depressed becasue i'm caught in shit i can't stand everyday of my existence....that i actually want to walk to the mirror and look myself in the eyes and ask "how did you become such a f*** up"...
i wonder if i'll ever be willing to 'make that sacrifice'...
if i woke up this morning and felt as dumb and stupid and like such an idiot that i didn't want to even get up.....how am i supposed to feel like i can change...
i want to change...and i want to know how..and everything in me wishes it wasn't as hard as it is....but..that's not the reality of change is it...?

so, here's to 2006...
of mornings waking up and looking in the mirror and saying "Rob, you are beautiful, you are worth the fight, you are worth change and you are loved...."
of days filled with life and meaning...
of relationships that grow and blossom....
of a life that grows beyond my wildest imagination....
proclaiming what i've seen and what God's done, because it's not just for me...
taking all the love and life that God has given me...and passing it on to those who need it...
taking my dreams in my hands and letting them grow..
taking His plans into my heart and letting them explode...

change...it's good...
sacrifice..it's hard....but God willing i'll see it's worth through stepping up to the challenge


God...this one's for you.

not that bad......my bad

well, that last post was how i was feeling that day...sorry for alarming some of you...not my intent (purely... :P )
life is just....very interesting lately, it's very up and down and all around and i'm trying very hard to make sense of what God is doing in my life. why and when and how and all the amazing questions we ask ourselves when our hearts hurt. isn't that the kicker...it's when our hearts hurt that we ask questions. when, all along i knew these things sat dormant in my heart (although not to the depth and extent i have seen them recently).
It seems that when you want to give your heart another chance at being itself and being free, you very quickly find out what it is your heart is willing and not willing to do.
for instance. Out of nowhere i realized that i don't trust the human heart...not mine, not yours, not anyone around me. And the last 2 weeks have been trying to figure out why i don't trust the heart and how i can correct that, because as John Eldridge so correctly points out....the human heart is good.
Created in God's image, i sit here wondering how God would look if he looked like me...
My mind and heart 'made new' by the power of God, i wonder as to the mind and heart of God...
Doing only what i see the Father doing...NOT EVEN CLOSE

It's amazing how you notice things about yourself when your not even looking. i've been sitting in a classroom all week long seeing all the things around me that sometimes make me wonder...by"all the things around me" i mean a multitude of situations that really make me think as well as really provoke me to act on what i know is true in my heart... (Notice that wonderful use of my heart)

Sitting on the subway 2 days ago on my way downtown to go to a course that I'm taking right now, i look across the subway and someone there is reading a book. "wow, a book, that's a brilliant idea, i've been saying i haven't had enough time to read lately, i should've brought a book."
So i sit there and think, "Meh, bring a book, there's not enough time, i'm on a buss, then switch to subway, then a few moments later i switch again, and then i'm there."
Who am i trying to kid, seriously, that one sentance makes it sound oh so easy and quick, but in reality it's an hour of travel. and an hour is if i'm lucky, i spent over an hour and a half today due to 'complications'....known as SNOW.
Well, there i sit, no book, might as well pray. So i asks our good Lord this question.
"God, what do you think of the day?"
and this is what i hear (to my shock and to my horror)
"These people aren't saved and they need my Son, Jesus..."
"God, what do you think of the day?" I say again...
I wanted so badly to get rid of that thought. Not because it isn't true, not because of the reality of it, but because of the thought that came next...which also shocked and horrified me.
"would you stand up and yell across this whole subway train that you are in, telling them that Jesus died for them and loves them and wants to save them?"

so i stick to what i know...
"God, what do you think of the day?"

There's the Kingdom of Heaven just BEGGING to be brought to earth. eveyrwhere you look, everywhere you walk, travel, sit, stand, .....EVERYWHERE...the kingdom of God is just begging to be unleashed in a wild, vibrant way.
How's the kingdom come to earth when the citizen's of the kingdom can't even stand up for what they believe? this is my question. It's a harsh reality, one i don't particularly want to face, but it's the truth. I am afraid so much of what people will say, that i keep quiet to keep order. But there is no order, and there should be no fear...where to next?!?!

I'm sitting there in the class i'm taking, and a very short conversation springs up at my table about the person next to me having a very sore back. Oh sure it's better today, she can bend over and such, she says. But it's still sore.
What do you suppose my first thought is?

"Perfect opportunity to pray and see the sick healed...the kingdom come"

Second thought,
"Yah right"

I'm disappointed, yet, i'm hopeful, because my hope is that someday i'll have that courage to step out and just do what Jesus says.

When i was on the subway i had a flash thought of a business man coming up to me and handing me an envelope full of money and saying "this is for you..."
Now THIS story is more to MY liking...and i'm left with the thought
I want the Kingdom for me, but i have yet to stand up for the kingdom that's saved me.

R.A. Salvatore (yes alyn, the writer of the devil book...or the 'good book') said, through his brilliant character Caderley in the "Cleric Quintet"
"People don't heal the sick because they are more concerned about their own failures rather than the ailment and pain on the person infront of them."

Now i care plenty about what goes on around me, i care that the person sitting next to me has a sore back, that the subway i'm on is full of people that are not heading to heaven, and yet, i'm left with this nagging thought of "what will they think" or "God forbid, what if God doesn't do it?"
What a foolish way to think. I think God won't show up to heal someone, or save someone, or give someone hope, when it was HIS idea in the first place. Like he doesn't love me enough so He's going to make me out to be a fool.
I realized that it's not what i think about the other person, i know with everything in me, and believe with everything inside of me that God wants to heal, save, forgive etc... but i'm so afraid of what is going to happen to ME. And that's the killer. I'm to afraid of what will happen to me. Oh if only i could get over myself.

I await the day that courage fills me and i'm able to step out...but what is courage but love, and what is love, but the opposite of fear. If I'm afraid, and i love instead, i will step out. Think about that. Love is the motivation behind the action. Love is what lets me bring forth a solution to a problem or bring forth the realit of the Kingdom that i live in, instead of the kingdom that i see before me. Fear is what works against me, but fear in of itself is easily conquered with love.

Who would have known the Black Eyed Peas would have had the whole thing sitting there in their hands when they so eloquently said,
"my hump, my hump my hump my hump...my hump my hump my hump...my lovely lady lumps..."

CRAP...wrong song...i meant...
"Where is the love, where is the love, where is the love, where is the love, the love the love......"

Love conquers all things....covers a multitude of sins.....and saved my soul

If it was worth it....

If life could end with no pain, no anguish and no adverse effect to the world around me; Today i would choose option A...

where does it come from.

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!!!!!!

that's a cry.....my cry...where are you..what are you doing...

it seems to me that life takes more turns than any man can follow. Yet, when everything seems so distant and so distressing in that very last moment, that very final hour, that time when you feel like all of life is caving in and falling around you.....BAMM, God shows up for that moment in your life and changes everything...

God, this is my heart to you.
I long for you more than life itself. I dare not think what life would be like if i didn't have your hand on my life. I dare not think what i would face in every moment of everyday if your hand of protection and hand of mercy wasn't on my life.
I need your grace, i need your peace. I need you. Everything about you, everything you are, every breath i brethe neeeds to carry your presence.....i need to breath you in, i need to feel you more than i have ever felt you before, i need to be sustained by you, i need to fall more in love with you....not even more, i have NO idea what falling in love with you truly feels like. Make it a reality in my life. make it a reality in what i see when i wake up...where are you...who are you...what are you doing, today, tomorrow, in the days to come...what are you going to do, where are you taking me, where are you taking this world.
all the pain, all the disaster around, it fades when i feel you...it fades when i see your face. what's it truly mean to be in your presence..what's it mean to truly be in you...i want to be in you...be in your heart, be in your sould...be in your spirit....take me away....

this man, this human body that i inhabit...it's not me, my core is the eternal life that flows within, it's the eternal existence of something i don't even understand, someone i have barely been exposed to, someone i feel i haven't even been introduced to yet. I feel him, i sense his presence when i find myself in situations where he's more alive than this cardboard exterior. You've made me more than a man, you've made me more than a shell God....aquaint me with my spirit, my true me. I abandon all, i put it on he line because there is nothing worth living for but love, but power, but that real, tangible spiritual world that we're so fucking asleep to.

WAKE ME UP oh God....wake me up....my life has become dead, has become dulll, my eyes wide shut, my ears blazingly closed...my senses stifled because of a world dead around me.

there is hope, there is passion inside of you, inside of me, feel it boil within.
DON'T think you don't have it in you, don't think you have nothing inside......YOU HAVE IT IN YOU, you have more than you know. God is begging and longing and begging and longing and begging and longing for you to be alive, for you to come alive, for you to wake up and smell life like it was supposed to be smelled, to see the world like it's supposed to be seen. darkness will not prevail, it can't, the story wasn't writtne this way...that's right...written..the story is done, we're just living it out...but it's a story we have a part to play in...it's a story we have the right to step up to the challenges in, it's a story we have to fight for. God wrote the characters, wrote the key players, created the existence of a world in need of YOU...in need of what's inside of you.....find it....don't wait, don't hide, don't settle for what you see.....don't let the church blind you into thinking that what we have now is what we get....hell no...what we have now is not even close to what we are supposed to have...what we have now is a feeble attempt to the power God has....


"GREATER THINGS WILL YOU DO..............................."

what kind of King, what kind of God promises that to his followers...what kind of King tells his sons, his people that they will do greater things, more things and see a greater working of His command on the earth. This is not our home...it's time to call in the Kingdom of God...time to call in the Kingdom as it is supposed to be. The story that has been played out thus far is NOT what we're subject to....

"ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE.........................."

it's in you....strength, wisdom, power, handed down from the very thrown of God.....handed to you....ask for it....ask for him to rule your life. Be a subject of the King, join the fight that's worth fighting for more than anything you've seen to date.....get ready...become a subject of the true King....his thrown, his Kingdom is at hand...it is at hand...


My Father...Heaven is yours...
Hail to the Mighty King.
Let Your Kingdom come,
Let Your Will be done.
On earth because it is already done in Heaven.

Please oh Lord, Sustain me, be my sustinance.
Forgive me, for i have sinned, i have turned from You.
My choice i now make to forgive those who have wounded me,
Those who have hurt me, You are forgiven.

Protect me oh Lord,
Deliver me, Free me,
Evil will not overtake me, for you have lead me from it.

TO YOU BE ALL THE GLORY,

You are the King of all, your Kingdom is here....Open my eyes......

This life i do not know how to live....
But damn, i'm gonna trust that you will lead me ...and Free me as we walk together..

All the well meaning...

Why is it that when a person is hurt and falls over, but sits there for a while, and lets him/herself get used to the pain, it's just easy to stay seated and not deal with the pain?
Why is it that people who deal with a certain pain (ie. i have incredibly bad feet problems, which in turn throw out my ankles, knees and back), and have been dealing with that pain for a long time, just get used to it, put up with it and live on. live on with the pain, expecting no change what so ever.
Pain + Time = Tolerance to Pain = No Change
x+y=xy=abc (ok, i swear i won't try and make any mathematical equations anymore)

This equation can be put into use for every facet of ones life. Physical pain, Heart pain, Emotional status, spiritual well being, marital status...whatever you are going through, blindly or in full awareness of, this equation will apply.
I heard a man once say, 'We are so used to feeling/being 'bad' that when things start to go well, start to go in our favour, we instantly start to expect the 'bad' to return'.
Brings us to another equation that takes care of the 'good'.
---
experience -> belief -> expectation -> behaviour -> experience
---
Now this isn't particularly an 'equation' as much as it is a cycle that is quite evident in most peoples lives, if not all, and will be part of almost, if not all, situations in your life.
ex. - I clean kitchen (experience) -> Move says "thank you, i love you" (builds belief) -> If i clean, mom will love me (expectation) -> I now live life working very hard to 'earn' love (behaviour) -> people like me because of what i can do for them (experience)

now you can see how this would slowly turn for the worse, in what happens if i work real hard and someone tells me to F*** off, you did a shitty job. Oh man, new experience that is going to breed a new belief/expectation. "Working hard doesn't get me anything"etc...

now, where does this play into everyday life...first the equation.

I'll be honest, i don't handle change well. In fact i handle it in all the wrong ways. Especially knowing the truth so greatly, yet, disreguarding it as easily as throwing a hair net on the ground (we'll get to that later..remind me).
So, i find myself in a rough spot in life, (insert whole last post). And instead of talking about it, finding out what to do, letting my heart grow...i shut down. I turn back to cigarettes, which i had stopped for 5 months, felt amazing, voice kicked ass etc... i buy a video game, (same style i was addicted to 5 years ago, playing 20hrs a day some days...at least 8-12 a day anyways), but of course this time will be different right, i conquered that addiction right good, pornography, masturbation, smoking, movies, tv, whatever, anything to numb the brain so that i don't have to think about my current situation, so i don't have to deal with the shit inside of me that needs dealing with so desperately. As much as i love drinking, i haven't become an alcoholic, which is almost suprising somedays. Ok, so handle change well....doubtful.
Wallow (thank you dictionary.com) in my self pity and anquish...damn right i'm good at that.

What brings change? I mean, i find myself here, in this state i'm in, as pathetic and self degrading as it is, wondering why i should change. Seriously. I enjoy video games, i enjoy watching movies and sitting and doing nothing. I brings me a sense of ease i guess, it takes no effort to sit and do nothing, obviously.
now, ask me 6 months ago about all of this and i'd be flying high, i'd be gung-ho about christianity, about God, about the Truth, because i was sitting in that. But that got to hard. Ever feel like a complete wimp.
All equations, all cycles, all the shit aside. I feel like a fucking wimp.
I feel nothing like a man, i am nothing that i should be. Given the teaching, the experience and the life that i've been in for the last 4 years, and to still be dealing with the exact same shit i was dealing with 5 years ago....pathetic, i'm a damn wimp. I got nothin...

this isn't a down and out sob story. It's the reality of looking at oneself.
why can't i change?...i don't rely on God enough, i don't have enough will power?!?!..what are the reasons, why can't i change and stay changed? I focus on the wrong things, i don't keep up the winning attitude....WTF...who knows. Why can't people who get freedom hold onto freedom.

Why, sitting at 420lbs, do i have ZERO desire to loose a single pound. I should have every reason in the world to loose that shit. I should have no problem waking up in the morning saying "ROB....WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING TO YOURSELF....wake up man!!!"

Do i deserve change? I guess i think i don't. I don't deserve change because i've made myself this way, because i have no reason to change, or can't see the reason to change, and if i can't see it, why the hell should i deserve it, or go after it. and all the people in all the world can say to you the 'right thing' "you can do it buddy" "you're a winner"....

Jump inside my body and look down.....feel that winner inside....he don't exist.
10+ years of anything will bear down on you like an anvil stuck to your back. brings me back to that damn equation doesn't it. My pain has become me. as sick and disturbing as that is. it's the viewpoint of myself and countless others. I am this way, who the hell would care, and how on earth could i ever change it....

I had an absolutely wonderful conversation with a dear friend of mine, someone i view as a real parent in my life. She said she walked by my office at work and her heart just broke for me. That's kewl to know people care.
But i'm sick of feeling like a fucking basket case...seriously....
If i could answer "i'm doing great" to the next person that asks me how i'm doing.....when will that happen. And when will it happen that it gets to continue happening....
This same lady that i was speaking to the other day, her and her husband have to be the most real people i know. Kind, compassionate, loving, sooo dear to my heart, and they are also some of the busiest people i know, traveling the world all the time, up in years (oh lord don't anyone say i said that :P) but i have never seen them with anything but absolute love all over them. They are an inspiration to me, in more ways than they will ever know.

Cry out, desire change, desire the better in life, desire the fullness of what God has to offer you, scream at the top of your weak eternally powerful voice and reach towards a God that has more to give you than you will ever know. He won't ever let you down. I know that.

It's getting over yourself that's the hard part...

When the world is so big...

...yet so small.
Being in a place where you get the opportunity to travel often does away with that feeling inside that if a friend leaves you'll never see them again. I have a really great friend in Seattle...
man i just saw a great motorcycle just drive by....damn..

so my friend..he lives in Seattle, and I met him in Toronto, where I still live. Well there came a time after his year and a half here that he was to move back home. Now when someone you know, specially one of your closest friends, says they are moving across the continent, there is always (if you have a heart...) that air of sadness. You know. "Shit dude, when am i going to see you again?" comes up or, "well, it's been fun...later" (for those of you who are just plain cold).
But I've come to realize that the world just isn't as big as we all thought it was growing up. Yah traveling is expensive, but not beyong reach, specially when you aren't paying for most of it. I've now been out to Seattle twice over the last year and a bit to visit my friend, and have met dozens more people that i absolutely adore out there as well...more reason to travel back.

All that to say that over the last month I've had 2 of my best friends leave my city. One across the country, one on the other side of the world. And yes i've cried, man have i cried. It hits you at a certain point that you are loosing something so special. I'm almost thankful that for some reason none of the manifestations of my emotional state didn't surface till the day before my best friend left. and only a week before my second best friend (uhh..that sounds odd..like i number my best friends...and that's been weird to...i say "yah..loosing my best friend is hard"..and people are liek "i thought ***** was ur best friend"...dude..i'm not tellin' you who your friends are ...just back off...) anyways..
having by far the closest friend you've ever had, a room mate and a confidant moves will just about rip you apart. Literally...rip you apart. And 3 weeks later another best friend of yours, also a confidant of the highest variety...one who's advice has changed your life, who's love has impacted you far more than just the surface of what the majority of people experience in friendship; when friends of that calibor up and leave (not abandon, but move on, to bigger, better, more exciting , next-step adventures) you are faced with the harsh questions of what you do..why you do what you do....and what you're doing in the place you are in.
A pastor, a friend, a confidant, ....these things are not picked lightly, nor is it really in us to 'pick' them in the first place. We are designed to be attracted (not physically dumbass) to people, to qualities, to character and dreams, to the way people handle themselves and the way they treat/respond to us. Jack Canfield (chicken soup for the soul guy) says this "you are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with". now...when 2 / 5 leave, you're asking yourself over and over again, where do i go, who am i, who do i want to be, and what 5 people in this world do i want to be the average of?
my pastor/friend in whom just left pushed me farther than anyone i've known, challenged me deeper than anyone has challenged me, and probably (specially combined with his wife) were the most encouraging people i've had in my life.

Distance means nothing. I still have all the love and all the ......but distance means everything.
ya know you need 14 affectionate touches a day?... bet ya less than 10% of this messed up world gets that.
And it takes 4-7 encouraging/good words to anul 1 bad/unpositive word towards you...1:7...those odds are NOT in our favour. Yet we listen to shit, we take crap on everyday. Who are you around?
Who am i around?

i've been in this situation before...life takes a turn and people leave. I've lost best friends before, i've come through, and found others that my best friend is actually a list of best friends...but there are times when certain ones are closer than others...and at this point my heart is kicked because that list isn't around me...my 5/5 people around me feels like 0/5 around me.

And what i've realized this week, is that it's very damn hard to change when you have nothing to fight for, or even when you just feel like you have nothing to fight for. It's a different subject, but man if it isn't a tought one...that's right..tought..much like tight..but different.
people need constant challenge, encouragement, and connectedness...the 3 C's if you will...i just pulled that out of my butt..i can't stand when people make things like that "10 steps to this..." "4 steps to ...." the ABC's of ...." the *** of ****" whatever..ya know...and actually..now that i look at it..which has completely evaded me until this point..it's actually 2 C's and an E...so very odd...
although i guess i could write it like this...CCenC...and that's sort of like the 3 C's.

anyways...i'm really realizing that people need these things to survive. I've noticed over the last year and a half that the best weeks i've had are when i meet with a group of 2 guys i meet with regularly (my 2 best friends whom jsut left..but never mind that..we've covered that one to exhaustion), and we would meet and sit and talk about how we were doing...or just go have a beer and talk, or coffee, play pool, go to the driving range..whatever, but we would just challenge each other to focus on certain area's of our lives. So, one week i decided i didn't want to drink Soda Pop anymore...soft drink, soda, cola..whatever you call it. So i said "i don't want to drink that shit this week." sure enough, that week i had soda 2 times...wait..this isn't working...sure it is becasue both times half way through i realized 'oh wait..im' not supposed to be doing this'...and i would put it down...grab a water...
"this week i really need to just spend some time reading my bible, because i haven't been lately." so i was challenged to read a book of the bible 4 times in a week. I did...now this isn't doing something because im' being told to..it's giving me another reason to do it. If i see no purpose for doing something, and im' not held accountable for the actions in which i'm doing, i am prone to do nothing at all. Challenge makes something worth doing.
encouragement is key, because encouragement lets you know you aren't alone, and lets you know that people are fighting with you..maybe not necessarily on the same thing at the same time...but when you have someone beside you spurring you on to complete a task, or right a wrong etc...it brings life to the fight. Encouragement continues to fuel the initial 'gusto' of doing something.
Connectedness... very basic. Alone we die...together we have a fighting chance. and this ties into the other two C's...or CenC...if you aren't connected....or building relationship, you are oging to have a hard time finding encouragement and challenge.
Encourage yourself, it doesn't work as well as someone coming along side you and doing it. Continue to encourage yourself, but find others that will love you and run beside you, fight with you and hold you up when you feel like falling down, or sit beside you when you've fallen and are hurting.
Challenging yourself is next to impossible. I've tried it week after week after week, and unless you got the will power of an oxe, you'll find yourself falling short of your goals. Find people that will see your goals as valued, that will see your life as worth it and worth fighting for. Your challenge and there's might be to challenge each other, to encourage each other, and to stay connected to each other. Relationships take work, and meaningful relationships will change your life...not just once...but again and again..

i speak from experience because i've found around me people that are willing to die for me, and people i would gladly step into the fire for. Love speaks far beyond the word itself...and this is to you my friends....thank you for loving me...and thank you for fighting for/with me.

I owe you the world time and time again....

promises, promises, promises...

No matter how many times I promise to blog more often then i have been, i let myself down, and anyone that would actually read this. HOWEVER, because i don't think that i've ever actually said that in any of my blogs, i'm safe. I'm pretty sure all that i've ever done is mention "oh i'm sorry i haven't blogged for a while.

so, here's the beginning of yet another eventful day...and yes, you guessed it. I'm sorry i haven't blogged in what seems decades. Now that i think of it, i'm not really sorry to anyone, other than myself. Not having blogged could mean a series of different things.
One - I'm to busy to blog... This is a lie! I am deffinitely not to busy to blog.
Two - I'm not thinking... This is also a lie! One could guess that if someone isn't blogging, they have nothing to say. not so true, i think, if i sat own and thought, i would have something to say, whether it be clever or not, i would deffinitely come up with something to say ... (for instance...check out blog from August 25th, 2005 (yes that's today)...the beginning is all about 'why the idiot that writes that blog lifeandwords.blogspot.com, never blogs. lame)
Three - I'm processing my thoughts so well, and talking them out in some other medium, that this blog is no longer useful. This is a half - lie. i sat down to blog a few weeks ago, right after i had just been writing. So most of my thoughts were on paper, and i realized i had no thoughts to blog about, cause i had just processed them. Again. the lie part would be i can remember this happening 1 time this year. So, i'd have to give #3 a big ol' "lie".
Four - I'm to good for blogging. This is a lie! Nobody is to good for the blog. oh sure it's become a fad, even a dirty trend. Anybody and Everybody has a blog. I even saw a news article the other day stating people making money off of their blogs because corporations are turning to blogs for what is reality instead of surveying.
*** TOPIC ***
And it hits me, like a ton of bricks. I JUST HAD A THOUGHT. put that together with sitting at my computer AND having wireless access in the Air Canada Maple Leaf Lounge (were important people like ....like.... my friends go and i blindly follow because, well, what do you think, i'm not about to go sit on those hard metal seats when i can lounge it out would i...exactly). So, 1+1+2 = 5. don't ask me how, it just does. And some odd mathematician somewhere could no doubt back me up on that.
OK, that very statement i made at the end of 'point #4'. The article i saw on corporations turning to blogs to get information. Isn't that weird how what is often times used as a place to vent about current affairs, personal insight, angst towards the world etc, is now used to 'help' the very thing the blog set out to discredit in the first place. Is it a new age of the consumer having a say, or the corporations jsut getting craftier in their ways of 'duping' the average shopper, consumer, home-owner, bank account holder etc.
Business has been really warping my thinking these days. Simply because it seems that no one is out to help anyone. It's a cut throat, dog-eat-dog, mine first back the fuck off... kind of world. Take banks for instance. think of how much money banks make....off of our money. first of all that's a dirty system. paying someone to hold something i don't feel like i have enough of in the first place. THEN, they go the next step and offer you more of what you don't have, so that you can spend 'their' money and like a good friend you'll just pay it back. THEN, when it's time to lend a helping hand becasue you actually want to try and sort your life out.
I have credit card debt (find someone who doesn't...they're around, but few and far between). I've been trying to get a loan from my bank so that i don't have to continue with the dirty high interest rates of credit cards. I'd like to "Consolidate" my loans. This is something banks are always advertising, and always wanting to offer you. So, i call my bank and ask if i can get a loan. Comes back i can't, something from my credit report. I go to equifax.com and order my credit report. Nothing wrong with it, no bad information, just a list of my debts, oh sure they have listed that i'm still working at a place i quit almost a year ago, and living at a house i haven't lived at in 7 months. But that's the company that banks go to for my financial information. They should probably do their job and update me. ***sidenote*** to update your equifax profile you have to have 2 utility bills and ur drivers liscense in your current address. Well i haven't had a place to live for 7 months so that makes things intersting.
oh, btw...i do now have a place to live. so soon enough i can actually update my profile with equifax.
man..how did i start talking about all this stuff..i swear i had something important to blog about.
so i call my bank back and ask them to go into detail further how i might obtain a loan. The lady on the phone explains it to me, asks me some questions and says "as far as i can tell you should be able to get a loan". "well try it," i says. "sorry sir, but your credit ratio is to high. we require a 42% or less and yours is 47%". I'm not going to explain what that all means, because i simply don't want tot try and explain it. And no one wants to read that, or i don't want to write about it.
So i call back a week later thniking "i need a final decision about what my bank will do for me"
i ask this "i would like to consolidate my current debt into one of your loans."
long story short. They take my current debt, and ADD what i'm asking for, to figure out what kind of risk i am. What kind of debt consolidation is that. doesn't even make sense. the whole point is th get rid of your current debt. Then the person i'm talking to that day has the idiocy to say "well sir, if you had less debt we could give you a loan". "I WOULDN'T BE CALLING IF I HAD LESS DEBT"...

and that's what i end with.

I wouldn't call, if i had nothing to say...

world tragedy...personal victory

Guarenteed 90% of people that have a blog and decide to post today will mention something about the attack in the streets of London England today. Some will say "damn those terrorists", others "the british deserved it", "and the war continues", "chalk up another 37 needless deaths" and so on and so on. People will take the side of the western world, people will take the side of the 'perpetrators', even though there is no solid confirmation as to who did this attack. Oh sure the "The Secret Group of al Qaeda of Jihad Organization in Europe" claimed responsibility on www.alkalla.com, but there is no clear information as to who really did this.
If this was 'terrorists' as they've been dubbed, it's interesting to see how much media this thing is instantly getting and the fact that these things happen in the middle east almost daily, and nothing is said. A good friend of mine and myself were talking this morning and had a good point that in Iraq, Afghanastan and other middle eastern countries that the 'war on terrorism' has been added to can only view the British and the American's as terrorists themselves. This 'war' has been a campaign to make other countries resemble that of the western world. who said our society was working all that great in the first place? (but that's a rabbit trail i'm going to try and NOT run down) Anbody check the definition of a terrorism lately?
Terrorism :

The unlawful use or threatened use of force or violence by a person or an organized group against people or property with the intention of intimidating or coercing societies or governments, often for ideological or political reasons.

The nations of the world in this campaign against terrorism are themselves acting quite terroristic (is that a word). I'm not sure how this would work, but say I live in the middle east and don't speak much or any english (i'm not saying they don't, i'm saying to the best of my knowledge english is not a highly taught language among the common peoples of these nations) and i heard everywhere that i was a 'terrorist' and new the definition of that word in my own native tongue i would wonder why i was being called that and why the people invading my country were trying to say they were the saviours. I would think i might be quite confused. In addition, how easy would that be for a media group to corrupt such sayings from our governments that say such things, so easily turned into rage against the very people who are saying they are trying to help. just a thought...
We all notice and know how corrupted our media delivers the news. Certain stations are liberalistic in their coverage while others come from a more conservative standpoint while others seem to try and bring a balance of what the real news is, yet, with our society the way it is and the gov'ts of the western world operating as they are we know that our news is not clean of corruption. (i'm not saying to throw out the news, however you need to, as with any 'knowledge' have discernment as to what you jump on and believe right away) So, if ours over here is like that, what on earth are those people in the 'terrorist laiden countries' hearing on the news?
As good intentioned as some people, nations, leaders may be, I have this feelling to the people of these countries they come across harsher and more criminalistic than the current corrupt leaders, guerilla groups etc...
But, before i start talking about things i don't know, which i probably already have done to much of, i should shut my mouth and ....or....stop typing cause i know not what either of these groups real intentions are, nor do i think any of us do.

in other news, i myself these days am feeling not quite as 'frazzled' as my last post most likely made me appear. I am farely level headed, realizing that happiness is not completely about where you are or what you are doing, but it's 100% about how you as a person, inside, with your connection to a God that keeps us alive, are feeling. I've noticed time and time again that 2 or 3 days without spending time talking to God, getting His imput into my life, reading His word and spending time just meditating on His purposes and His thoughts for my life, im' ok for. I'm ok for 2 or 3 days..but anything more than that i will quickly notice how much focus i loose...how much worry and resentment for my current surroundings i get. I know that when i'm not keeping my eyes focused on God i can become a very cranky, depressed, worrisome person. Makes me realize why there are so many cranky, depressed, worrisome people in this world. The guy walking down the street that yells at you cause you look at him the wrong way. Has he ever taken time to sit, relax and talk to God? there's a chance he hasn't, so where's his peace come from?... Sure God works in all people, blesses those who are followers of Him or not, and i believe there is also grace for those who have not yet heard or have not yet come to the point of meeting God, AND that He does talk to them in ways they don't realize. However, there is no constant flow or relationship, and that's where life becomes to make more sense, show more colour, bring more life, and reveal your destiny, is in that place of relationship with God. So why do we not spend time getting to know him everyday? oh i'm busy. but man if i could just truly realize and begin to make that time, take that time to pursue that relationship, how would life grow, how would my life change?
Relationship is hard, ever have a friend you just had to work at to love somedays? God doesn't usually give us the same kind of reasons that we get from our friends to hate them for a day or get us angry at them, but we do get angry with God, or miss days we spend with him because of business, work, travel, etc... My relationship with God is going to look completely different than anyone elses, that's why books on 'relationship with God' are hard to read because it won't ever be the same for everyone. Sure there are 'relational success principles' that every relationship holds, but in it's interesting quirks and funny little happenings that all relationships have, there is going to be a very profound difference. I know my brother different than my sister knows my brother, You know your dad in a different way that i would if i met him (given someone actually reads this and says..."oh yah"). so why do we think that relationship with God is simply "read your bible, pray, go to church"...that's not relationship, relationship is finishing each other's sentances (ever have a friend like that, it can get hilarious), it's knowing how they think, knowing how they love, hate, learn, grow, sing, dance, laugh etc... being in relationship with someone (i'm talking purely friendship here from experience) is knowing so much about them that you practically know what they are thinking almost all of the time. I've never been in a 'relationship' (of the male/female variety), sure i had a girlfriend once (oh so long ago). But my guess, that being in that type of relationship, where physical and even a deeper sense of emotional connection is had, a relationship means so much more than what i've described it as.
So what level of relationship is Human - God...it's spirit to spirit, which is far beyond Human - Human. I know i have only scratched the surface of relationship with God, i konw there is more to be had in a relationship with my Heavenly Father than i probably will ever know. That's why we have all of eternity to get it right. if we only knew and could tap into that now, geez we'd be perfect wouldn't we lol....

All of that to say, it's very easy to see why somedays i wake up and have a harder time with my life and my current situation than others, and why leaving this place seems like such a good idea some days, and other days i know it's just not what i'm supposed to do. It's easy to see why other days i wake up and feel completely secure about who i am, and why other days i wake up and want to cry. Relationship with a God that holds the whole universe together in His very capable hands is the key. Hoorah for realizing something we already realize inside, just spend far to little a time actually doing.

Here's a messag worth hearing...

"keep your chins up, because life is worth living, there's a God worth knowing and He thinks the same of you...There's a destiny higher and farther than any of us have dreamed and it's available for all of us..."

"Remember, fear is just a lie you have either forgotten the truth of, or haven't realized yet."

-Robert Moses Augi-