Face to Face, as of right now they are on their farewell tour. I know this because i saw them play last night, and they said, and i quote "This will be our last tour..." it's a shame really. Years of listening to these boys give me a fond and wanting taste for more of their music, however, like they said last night, 13 years of it and it's time to finish up. And this was the best show i've ever been to, if not the best. So, for all my teenage years, and not so teenage years of listening to Face to Face, i thank you and salute you. Job f*ckin' well done boys...
on to a different note. seems that i've realized, when your computer gets stolen, keeping your blog up can actually be a difficult process. So here i sit, getting paid to write in my blog, but only for a moment, writing in my blog that is... so, if anyone sees anyone carrying my laptop downtown or anything, feel free to kick the little idiots ass and take my computer back for me... thanx.
ahh so the borrowing of the car ends this week, after 3 weeks of having access to a vehicle, i can only say one thing "i need a vehicle." allthough life can be done without one, trasit does work, except, life is a whole lot harder when you don't have one. I've done more things with my spare time (like headin' downtown for a punk rawk show) because i knew it would take me a 1/4 of the time it would on transit (at least) and i could leave whenever i want etc... and work, my goodness...9 minutes to drive there, 45 on the transit. mornings are 100x nicer when you can drive into work and not sit on a bus crowded with people you don't know...
that's about it...life is pretty rockin'...work is allright, boring, but allright. i'm kickin it'
so, here's to good bands, good music, and not giving items more place in your heart than they deserve...
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
Wednesday, August 11, 2004
Things amis
Well, things are odd these days. I'll admit, they aren't that bad, but things are changing in a huge way around me. I'm working, my house is slowly getting fixed up, my best friend is getting married. Ever have that happen to you, you feel like you are loosing probably the closest thing that you've ever had in your life. Your stomach feels queezy at times, and you wonder what you are supposed to do after that part of your life is gone. Sure it's not fully gone, but one's best friend is, well, pretty damn close isn't he, and not like you didn't know that, but when something huge happens in their lives, it affects you largely. But out of respect and kindness and understanding you don't actually say anything about it because you know the change in that person's life is a good 100x that of which you are feeling, yet the heart gets pained again. The heart, such an odd thing. So much in life affects it, so much in life pokes at it and makes it ooze feeling and part of you. People come along and whether they know it or not they touch a part of your heart and leave with some of your life on their hands, and you feel it, you really do. Take family for instance, I can't leave them without wondering if i should be leaving or not, i can't walk away without wondering if i'm not missing out on some bigger part of life because everything they stand for and everything they are is an incredibly large part of my life. Sven getting married, i'm so happy for him, i think it's one of the greatest moves of his life, yet a huge part of my heart is screaming "Don't do it, i'm loosing you...". Does this all mean that the heart is just another selfish part of society that is untamable and wreckless. makes me wonder. If i were to actually walk up to him and say "don't get married, i can't handle it..." it would be completely seen as selfish. I would never say that, nor do i think my heart really feels that as much as the words express, but it is in there, the part that wants to hold on to a life that has been for so long, that one thinks shouldn't change...
got my shift bids for the next 4 months (sept - jan) and i'll be working 11am - 5pm....sleepin' in everyday, making good money, taking overtime whenever i can to up my hours...i'm looking forward to it..
well, for those coming around for the wedding on sunday, i will see you then...
got my shift bids for the next 4 months (sept - jan) and i'll be working 11am - 5pm....sleepin' in everyday, making good money, taking overtime whenever i can to up my hours...i'm looking forward to it..
well, for those coming around for the wedding on sunday, i will see you then...
Wednesday, August 04, 2004
completeness
Such an interesting word. Complete. It can be linked to so many different parts of our lives; our job, our love, our relationships, our play, our hobbies, the way we do things, the way we react, the way we feel we succeed. It's interesting, but finishing the kitchen/dining room (yes, we're done painting it..just need a few added pieces) shows me that life is such a long process. And there is this driving force in all of us that wants to get to completion, living a live of completion, and mostly in who we are. I'm sitting here thinking about all the things i've done that were supposed to improve my life, and all the other things i've done because people told me that was the way to improve my life. And not so many of them have brought me anywhere near being complete. Now i don't honestly think anyone is fully complete. Life is like a house, you finish (not the people) one thing and end up noticing something else you need to do, and it's a meticulous, time consuming process. all we set out to do on the weekend was paint some walls, and it started at cleaning, re-arranging everything, looking in the dark places and the light places, the dirty places and the sticky places, and cleaning it all out, so that the new paint could be applied. We could have easily just painted over the dirt, not moved anything, done a 'half ass job', but instead we moved everything away from where we wanted to work, took time to clean, took time to lay down a primer so the application of the paint would stay and cover well, and did 2 coats....We learn so many things that just slide off the walls of our lives. Someone tells me a great new way to live, and if i'm not in the position of receiving that news it slides off, it doesn't adhear to my life.
I want to be walking towards completeness, in every area of my life. You look at your job, walk in mumbling and grumbling and complaining and your walking in without your walls clean, without the obsticles moved out of the way to learn what it is you need to learn, you leave and the things of the day just slide off and all your left with is the dirty mangy walls you had before, but now there are added finger prints of the boss yelling at you, the secretary lookin' so fine you can hardly resist takin' her home with you. Whatever the case may be, we end up not learning, not growing, but staying where we are. Living a life of completeness is feeling alive in the situations that get ya down if you aren't ready for them. Living a life of completeness is paying attention to the things around you, your relationships (cultivating them, nourishing them, feeding them), your job (taking it full storm, putting your heart into it, and if it's something you can't find the heart for, you are in the wrong line of work, and you need to search your heart to find what it is you long to do, there is something and it's there, it's there waiting to be found. doing what you love to do, and ontop of that getting paid for it, there is no greater thing, it's about finding satisfaction in the work you do, or finding the work that will bring you satisfaction), your life (finding and connecting to a God that you can really love, and that you can really understand, putting time into understanding what you believe, understanding what you live for, understanding who God really is), so many other aspects of our lives fall into the categories of needing to be complete, or at least moving towards completion.
living a life of completion is living a life of change. Seeing one thing complete, and realizing you need to move onto something else, not forgeting the completion you've seen in your life. We easily forget the things that have happened, the good things, the things that have brough us life and hope, love and comfort...we need to hold onto those things because some days that is all we have left to hold onto at all. Ahh but to feel alive, even for a moment of the day. walking from outside after finishing a smoke, into a freshly painted room, a new picture on the wall, clean counters, clean cupboards, the freezer in a better spot, the table in a better spot, clean floor, new lighting, it brings a sense of joy and excitement for all the things you have in your mind to do. It started with a thought "let's make this place a place we WANT to live in" and so we started, not 3 months later, not a year later, but the next day, rented a truck spent the money and did it.
.........now i'm realizing i need to say "let's make this life a life i WANT to be living..."
I want to be walking towards completeness, in every area of my life. You look at your job, walk in mumbling and grumbling and complaining and your walking in without your walls clean, without the obsticles moved out of the way to learn what it is you need to learn, you leave and the things of the day just slide off and all your left with is the dirty mangy walls you had before, but now there are added finger prints of the boss yelling at you, the secretary lookin' so fine you can hardly resist takin' her home with you. Whatever the case may be, we end up not learning, not growing, but staying where we are. Living a life of completeness is feeling alive in the situations that get ya down if you aren't ready for them. Living a life of completeness is paying attention to the things around you, your relationships (cultivating them, nourishing them, feeding them), your job (taking it full storm, putting your heart into it, and if it's something you can't find the heart for, you are in the wrong line of work, and you need to search your heart to find what it is you long to do, there is something and it's there, it's there waiting to be found. doing what you love to do, and ontop of that getting paid for it, there is no greater thing, it's about finding satisfaction in the work you do, or finding the work that will bring you satisfaction), your life (finding and connecting to a God that you can really love, and that you can really understand, putting time into understanding what you believe, understanding what you live for, understanding who God really is), so many other aspects of our lives fall into the categories of needing to be complete, or at least moving towards completion.
living a life of completion is living a life of change. Seeing one thing complete, and realizing you need to move onto something else, not forgeting the completion you've seen in your life. We easily forget the things that have happened, the good things, the things that have brough us life and hope, love and comfort...we need to hold onto those things because some days that is all we have left to hold onto at all. Ahh but to feel alive, even for a moment of the day. walking from outside after finishing a smoke, into a freshly painted room, a new picture on the wall, clean counters, clean cupboards, the freezer in a better spot, the table in a better spot, clean floor, new lighting, it brings a sense of joy and excitement for all the things you have in your mind to do. It started with a thought "let's make this place a place we WANT to live in" and so we started, not 3 months later, not a year later, but the next day, rented a truck spent the money and did it.
.........now i'm realizing i need to say "let's make this life a life i WANT to be living..."
Tuesday, August 03, 2004
oh the plague of thought
it's amazing how improving ones surroundings can have such a profound difference in said person's life...take my newly painted kitchen and dining room, looking loads better, on the way to being finished (just got the cabinet knobs, coat hook to paint and hang some pictures up and clean and put everything back), walking into the room gives such a satisfying feeling of "i've done this, this is my handywork"...of course not alone, but the feeling of having accomplished something adds great weight to a person's self esteem. maybe it all goes back to showing off what you have and covering up what you are. food for thought in the back of my throat...that tastes like...*chomp* *chomp*...email
the heartstrings. what are they, where are they located, and how can so many people play them without asking, or better yet, without even knowing that they are. it's like an open part of the human body, or emotion, or whatever, that seems to be accesible to the general public, hense the 'open' part. Ya learn so much about 'guarding the heart' and 'being open / vulnerable' well, i say the two are complete opposite and how are you supposed to do both, this is the question i propose to myself, "how can you protect, what you can't see, can't feel and more often than not, can't control" - emotions and the human heart. It's risky, it's dangerous, and it's by far the most sought after thing in the whole universe. When a young boy does something great and he gets aplauded by his parents, he has just obtained their heart, and his heart strings have been played, a beautiful tune. When his friends pat him on the back for a job well done on the football field, once again there is an emotional high, and all seems to go well, and then one day this young lad recognizes that there's more to life than family and friends, but oh damn, we gotz women around. Well the whole world of this fella gets tipped upside down, and soon enough he realizes he doesn't know jack shit about love, or women, or even his own heart. the strings of his heart that can bring such a sweet song get pulled this way and that, and soon enough it's easier to hide and cower than to show his face. Pursuit, it's a great word, hell, it's a great concept, but the young lad doesn't know what it means, can't define it, is to damn afraid to try it and wonders to himself more often than not "would it even work if i tried." So, it's a daily journey, some better than others, loneliness sets in, then leaves, then comes back like a hurricane and the strings make a violent shaking, banging sound on the inside of his poor chest. Ahh the joys of human relationship. Dogs have it figured out best....sniff around a bit, and it's as good as done...not saying i'm up for sniffing peoples butts to see if i'm attracted to them, but somedays that seems like it would be easier... and the greatest sign infront of his face is 'life goes on, through hurt, through pain, through sorrow, through gladness and excitement and glee, life must go on, not because it just has to, but becuase there is something to live for, and it goes beyond this search for affection, it goes beyond the search for human relationship and human companionship, it reaches out to a higher source, a power far greater than anything on earth, and a God that can take care of the heart, the strings, and all things in between." And in the morning, he wakes up and says, "am i still alone?"
the heartstrings. what are they, where are they located, and how can so many people play them without asking, or better yet, without even knowing that they are. it's like an open part of the human body, or emotion, or whatever, that seems to be accesible to the general public, hense the 'open' part. Ya learn so much about 'guarding the heart' and 'being open / vulnerable' well, i say the two are complete opposite and how are you supposed to do both, this is the question i propose to myself, "how can you protect, what you can't see, can't feel and more often than not, can't control" - emotions and the human heart. It's risky, it's dangerous, and it's by far the most sought after thing in the whole universe. When a young boy does something great and he gets aplauded by his parents, he has just obtained their heart, and his heart strings have been played, a beautiful tune. When his friends pat him on the back for a job well done on the football field, once again there is an emotional high, and all seems to go well, and then one day this young lad recognizes that there's more to life than family and friends, but oh damn, we gotz women around. Well the whole world of this fella gets tipped upside down, and soon enough he realizes he doesn't know jack shit about love, or women, or even his own heart. the strings of his heart that can bring such a sweet song get pulled this way and that, and soon enough it's easier to hide and cower than to show his face. Pursuit, it's a great word, hell, it's a great concept, but the young lad doesn't know what it means, can't define it, is to damn afraid to try it and wonders to himself more often than not "would it even work if i tried." So, it's a daily journey, some better than others, loneliness sets in, then leaves, then comes back like a hurricane and the strings make a violent shaking, banging sound on the inside of his poor chest. Ahh the joys of human relationship. Dogs have it figured out best....sniff around a bit, and it's as good as done...not saying i'm up for sniffing peoples butts to see if i'm attracted to them, but somedays that seems like it would be easier... and the greatest sign infront of his face is 'life goes on, through hurt, through pain, through sorrow, through gladness and excitement and glee, life must go on, not because it just has to, but becuase there is something to live for, and it goes beyond this search for affection, it goes beyond the search for human relationship and human companionship, it reaches out to a higher source, a power far greater than anything on earth, and a God that can take care of the heart, the strings, and all things in between." And in the morning, he wakes up and says, "am i still alone?"
Monday, August 02, 2004
couches, lies and moniez
holy shit it's been a long time since i've posted....i'm not gonna apologize..i've been busy...but, wow..
so, new things, well, a whole heck of a lot i guess...the biggest is me and shaun (best friend/room-mate) had decided to move out of our apartment and get a 2 bedroom together because we were completely sick of the place we are currently living at...but for some reason we both felt like we were supposed to stay here...then we talked to one of our other room mates, bill and expressed our thoughts, "we think this place is dirty, ugly, and no one takes care of it"...so after talking we decided, well, it's incredibly cheap rent, the biggest plus ever, and we thought, why don't we just stick the extra money we'd be spending on rent for a few months and get this place fixed up..so our list went something like this "COUCHES"...and that was the biggest one...
we find out about this auction that has great deals on used hotel materials..and we head over saturday morning to look at whatever we can pick up for the place..well a few hours later and not so much bought, we leave, but need something to transport our 'warez'...so we go and rent a truck, the last one sitting there..so for the last two days we've had a beast of a GMC Sierra, makes me want a truck soooo bad...anyways...we go to some other stores cuase we want a couch right, so we end up at a store called 'home sense' now this is where things get really agrivating, my day went to shit at this point...we walk in and see this amazing couch and we sit on it...sooo comfortable...shaun looks over and sees the price tag...501.00, there are two tags above it that say "999.99", now home sense is supposed to be the "winner's" of the funishing/ home decor world, so we are thinking this is just the deal of the century. our next thought was, well that's alot of money, but also, this is a beautiful couch and we need one really bad cause the things we are sitting on right now at home just suck, smell like piss and aren't really all that comfortable in the first place. we call bill and say, "Got a pricey couch, but we think it's worth it" bill says "go for it"...i head back in and say "I want that couch"...this little girl that is supposed to, or is feeling all important says to me in this snotty little voice "you do realize that is a 2500.00 couch right?", i says "excuse me, it's a 501.00 couch cause that's what ur price tag says." ...well, this is a joke, the damn store's pricing system doesn't make tags that print 4 digit numbers...so they have to put 3 tags that TOTAL 2499.00 and not just one. i made them call the manager up to the front and she walks up and says "can i help you" i says "well, i'm just wondering why your tags are unbelievably missleading to your customers" well she tries to play the innocent "what do you mean" ...well damnit lady, every store in the world when a product is on sale or deduced puts a new tag on and leaves the old one so you see how much you can potentially save buying that product. the only thing she said was "your not hte first to complain about this and you won't be the last"...oh come on...give me a break you are useless....so i just left it at "well i suggest you get that fixed cause your system is flaud and terribly missleading."... AND the couch was NOT worth that much I.M.H.O.
we walked out upset and i'll maybe never go shop there again, except for their great pirces on bed linens...so me and shaun look up to the sky and scream "LORD VINDICATE US"...well the next morning we wake up cause we need to do some more 'home renovation shopping' and we decide, let's check out the sears outlet store, shaun thought they only sold clothing, but we go to check it out anyways...well we see a 'furniture' sign and bolt it to the back, we start looking at these couches and they are nice, a whole chunk of this huge warehouse dedicated to couches/loveseats/chairs, and we look at hte prices, not bad, but still pricey, but acouple we might concider...well 5 minutes into our looking shaun sits on a couch and looks over and there is a sign that is printed on EVERY couch but we've seemed to have missed up till this point, well it reads "for this long weekend only buy one couch get the second of equal or lesser value FREE"...we look at each other and must've shit ourselves cause this is just to good to be true, so we walked out of there with a couch and a free 500.00 matching chair, PLUS a brand new washer for 300.00 no tax....the lord does vindicate...of this i am sure...needless to say, we've spent a hord of money, allthough it's all sitting on my C/C right now and i'm freakin' out..but that's ok i guess
so this is the bing thing here right now, fixing my dwelling, and it feels so good....a huge thing i've learned, it's not necessarily about where you live, or even that at all, but it's about what you do with the space you are living in...we've just painted the kitchen/dining room today, and we've brought our new furniture in etc...and the place feels more homey than ever..i actually don't mind it...it's about living with people that give a damn about the place you keep and keeping it up...so i'm excited about where i'm living now, and looking forward to making improvements to it....yes, i'm more worried about paying off the dirty debt that's accumulated on my CC's, but i know that won't take to long...
oh, and if anyone that reads this ever wonders....i got a 100% on my last test at work in training...pretty stoked about that..cause i'm pretty sure i have the highest average in the class now, and you pick your shift by what 'level' your grade is at...one more test and then we decide what shift we get, probably next week some time...monday or tuesday i think... so i'm hoping i get to pick my shift...give myself the best possible shift out of the 5 or 6 they give us for choice...or even up to 9 different shifts..it's an odd way to do it..but if i'm on top i don't mind so much....30 hrs a week, maybe i can line myself up with a nice 10-4 scenario...sleep in, get home early...make more than all my room mates...i'm ok with that...well, i'd have to work a few more hours to make more..but the nice thing is that i guess picking up extra shifts is incredibly easy...so i figure i can probably work a good 30-40 hrs a week, and hopefully i can put a bid in for a full time position opening in january... that would be nice..pay raise...full time.i could live with that
well, that was to much writing for me...i need to get to bed...6:00am comes way to early
so, new things, well, a whole heck of a lot i guess...the biggest is me and shaun (best friend/room-mate) had decided to move out of our apartment and get a 2 bedroom together because we were completely sick of the place we are currently living at...but for some reason we both felt like we were supposed to stay here...then we talked to one of our other room mates, bill and expressed our thoughts, "we think this place is dirty, ugly, and no one takes care of it"...so after talking we decided, well, it's incredibly cheap rent, the biggest plus ever, and we thought, why don't we just stick the extra money we'd be spending on rent for a few months and get this place fixed up..so our list went something like this "COUCHES"...and that was the biggest one...
we find out about this auction that has great deals on used hotel materials..and we head over saturday morning to look at whatever we can pick up for the place..well a few hours later and not so much bought, we leave, but need something to transport our 'warez'...so we go and rent a truck, the last one sitting there..so for the last two days we've had a beast of a GMC Sierra, makes me want a truck soooo bad...anyways...we go to some other stores cuase we want a couch right, so we end up at a store called 'home sense' now this is where things get really agrivating, my day went to shit at this point...we walk in and see this amazing couch and we sit on it...sooo comfortable...shaun looks over and sees the price tag...501.00, there are two tags above it that say "999.99", now home sense is supposed to be the "winner's" of the funishing/ home decor world, so we are thinking this is just the deal of the century. our next thought was, well that's alot of money, but also, this is a beautiful couch and we need one really bad cause the things we are sitting on right now at home just suck, smell like piss and aren't really all that comfortable in the first place. we call bill and say, "Got a pricey couch, but we think it's worth it" bill says "go for it"...i head back in and say "I want that couch"...this little girl that is supposed to, or is feeling all important says to me in this snotty little voice "you do realize that is a 2500.00 couch right?", i says "excuse me, it's a 501.00 couch cause that's what ur price tag says." ...well, this is a joke, the damn store's pricing system doesn't make tags that print 4 digit numbers...so they have to put 3 tags that TOTAL 2499.00 and not just one. i made them call the manager up to the front and she walks up and says "can i help you" i says "well, i'm just wondering why your tags are unbelievably missleading to your customers" well she tries to play the innocent "what do you mean" ...well damnit lady, every store in the world when a product is on sale or deduced puts a new tag on and leaves the old one so you see how much you can potentially save buying that product. the only thing she said was "your not hte first to complain about this and you won't be the last"...oh come on...give me a break you are useless....so i just left it at "well i suggest you get that fixed cause your system is flaud and terribly missleading."... AND the couch was NOT worth that much I.M.H.O.
we walked out upset and i'll maybe never go shop there again, except for their great pirces on bed linens...so me and shaun look up to the sky and scream "LORD VINDICATE US"...well the next morning we wake up cause we need to do some more 'home renovation shopping' and we decide, let's check out the sears outlet store, shaun thought they only sold clothing, but we go to check it out anyways...well we see a 'furniture' sign and bolt it to the back, we start looking at these couches and they are nice, a whole chunk of this huge warehouse dedicated to couches/loveseats/chairs, and we look at hte prices, not bad, but still pricey, but acouple we might concider...well 5 minutes into our looking shaun sits on a couch and looks over and there is a sign that is printed on EVERY couch but we've seemed to have missed up till this point, well it reads "for this long weekend only buy one couch get the second of equal or lesser value FREE"...we look at each other and must've shit ourselves cause this is just to good to be true, so we walked out of there with a couch and a free 500.00 matching chair, PLUS a brand new washer for 300.00 no tax....the lord does vindicate...of this i am sure...needless to say, we've spent a hord of money, allthough it's all sitting on my C/C right now and i'm freakin' out..but that's ok i guess
so this is the bing thing here right now, fixing my dwelling, and it feels so good....a huge thing i've learned, it's not necessarily about where you live, or even that at all, but it's about what you do with the space you are living in...we've just painted the kitchen/dining room today, and we've brought our new furniture in etc...and the place feels more homey than ever..i actually don't mind it...it's about living with people that give a damn about the place you keep and keeping it up...so i'm excited about where i'm living now, and looking forward to making improvements to it....yes, i'm more worried about paying off the dirty debt that's accumulated on my CC's, but i know that won't take to long...
oh, and if anyone that reads this ever wonders....i got a 100% on my last test at work in training...pretty stoked about that..cause i'm pretty sure i have the highest average in the class now, and you pick your shift by what 'level' your grade is at...one more test and then we decide what shift we get, probably next week some time...monday or tuesday i think... so i'm hoping i get to pick my shift...give myself the best possible shift out of the 5 or 6 they give us for choice...or even up to 9 different shifts..it's an odd way to do it..but if i'm on top i don't mind so much....30 hrs a week, maybe i can line myself up with a nice 10-4 scenario...sleep in, get home early...make more than all my room mates...i'm ok with that...well, i'd have to work a few more hours to make more..but the nice thing is that i guess picking up extra shifts is incredibly easy...so i figure i can probably work a good 30-40 hrs a week, and hopefully i can put a bid in for a full time position opening in january... that would be nice..pay raise...full time.i could live with that
well, that was to much writing for me...i need to get to bed...6:00am comes way to early
Monday, July 12, 2004
Work, Life and all things inbetween
Yes, i know it's been a while since i wrote here, and seeing as though this is only my second post, well, i guess i can't say i'm doing to good at it.
-Family - i love my family, and after spending a week and a half with them, i've realized once again how much they truly mean to me. Not that i ever forgot that of course. But when life gets busy we seem to forget the true things in life. One of the true things in my life is my family. True meaning something that defines my life, defines who i am, what choices i make in life and deffinitely a huge part of why and how i am the man i am today (hoping it's allright of course). And to see my family upset, sad, or hurting in any way pains me to the core. I realize alot of things when i'm around my family, alot about why people live, and it brings alot of questions up about why i live, or why i live the way i live, or where i live. For a good amount of time now i've thought that the major thing holding me back from being in cornwall with my family was the fear of loosing the connection i have with God, or my relationship with Him. But having been in some of the hardest moments of my life in the last 6 months, meaning i question often why i believe and live for what i live for, i wonder how different it would be if i was not in this place. This place (TO) was so instrumental in bringing me back to life. I needed to get out of town, walk away from a life of depression and hurt and pain and walk into something powerful. And i did. And now i'm standing on the edge of "now that i've come this far, learned so much, where do i head now?!?". I can say i haven't had thoughts of suicide since i've been here, i haven't longed to walk away from life. Yet recently i've longed to walk away from the things i've learned, the things i've 'adopted' as my 'core beliefs'. I guess one of the biggest things i've learned being here is what is keeping me here. Walking away does nothing, walking away from destiny that is. I walked away from a life that was going to get me killed from my own hands, that was a good walking away. But walking away from the very things in your heart you know you are supposed to do, i've learned that doing that gets you no where. So i find myself stripped away from my family again, the ones i love so dearly, the little ones that don't even know my face because their uncle bob is not there. I got quiet before i left, because the pain in my heart was almost to much to bear. A burst of tears was the only way i knew how to cope with what i was feeling. And as much as i enjoy and know that my life in toronto is what i need to be running after right now, it gets harder and harder leaving that city, the one i grew up lothing, the one that i visited ONLY for family, and now a part of me wishes i was calling 'home' again...
-Work - Started a new job today. It never ceases to amaze me how simplistic some companies make their training programs. I walk into the building nervous and wondering "will i be able to handle this" and walk out saying "did it really need to take 45 minutes to explain how to 'log in' and 'log out' of that program?".. oh and seeing as though i've only worked in one call centre, i was thinking that the whole 'call centre' aspect was a pretty tough one. I'm starting to realize (don't forget this is only the first day and so things could drastically change) that my first experience in this line of work was a damn good one. The amount of information they packed into my brain to get the job done was incredulous, the programs we used where suffistocated and numerous. Today when i asked "so when do we learn the rest of the programs?" the reply i got was "that's it, you just use the one we've given you, and the intranet and information database." ....uhhhh...ok, so maybe this job is going to be easy, and then again maybe it won't, i will not rest on the fact that it is going to be easy, specially after the first day. But what i've had so far, points down the road that has a shaded rest stop every 10 feet. This gives me only one idea, i will give it my best shot, and see where it takes me. There is loads of room for advancment, and i'm ready to advance myself.
On another job note, i believe my time at the TACF Riverside Cafe is at an end. I've realize i do not need to be money hungry, allthough having an exorbitant amount of money is fine by me, but at the same time, working in a place that just gets under my skin the whole time i am there is just not worth the paycheque...specially when i don't need it in the first place. And i've got this feeling that i'm walking into this new job with a certain favour of a God that is big enough to get me some very serious promotions...
So, all things put into perspective, less money means less toys...but only for a little while longer. I'm good for the next couple monthes. This week and next week i work at the cafe. When i finish my training in 5 weeks i have some contract work that will take me probably 2-3 weeks and then i'll work part time at my new job till full time is available. i won't be strapped for cash, that's for sure.
-Family - i love my family, and after spending a week and a half with them, i've realized once again how much they truly mean to me. Not that i ever forgot that of course. But when life gets busy we seem to forget the true things in life. One of the true things in my life is my family. True meaning something that defines my life, defines who i am, what choices i make in life and deffinitely a huge part of why and how i am the man i am today (hoping it's allright of course). And to see my family upset, sad, or hurting in any way pains me to the core. I realize alot of things when i'm around my family, alot about why people live, and it brings alot of questions up about why i live, or why i live the way i live, or where i live. For a good amount of time now i've thought that the major thing holding me back from being in cornwall with my family was the fear of loosing the connection i have with God, or my relationship with Him. But having been in some of the hardest moments of my life in the last 6 months, meaning i question often why i believe and live for what i live for, i wonder how different it would be if i was not in this place. This place (TO) was so instrumental in bringing me back to life. I needed to get out of town, walk away from a life of depression and hurt and pain and walk into something powerful. And i did. And now i'm standing on the edge of "now that i've come this far, learned so much, where do i head now?!?". I can say i haven't had thoughts of suicide since i've been here, i haven't longed to walk away from life. Yet recently i've longed to walk away from the things i've learned, the things i've 'adopted' as my 'core beliefs'. I guess one of the biggest things i've learned being here is what is keeping me here. Walking away does nothing, walking away from destiny that is. I walked away from a life that was going to get me killed from my own hands, that was a good walking away. But walking away from the very things in your heart you know you are supposed to do, i've learned that doing that gets you no where. So i find myself stripped away from my family again, the ones i love so dearly, the little ones that don't even know my face because their uncle bob is not there. I got quiet before i left, because the pain in my heart was almost to much to bear. A burst of tears was the only way i knew how to cope with what i was feeling. And as much as i enjoy and know that my life in toronto is what i need to be running after right now, it gets harder and harder leaving that city, the one i grew up lothing, the one that i visited ONLY for family, and now a part of me wishes i was calling 'home' again...
-Work - Started a new job today. It never ceases to amaze me how simplistic some companies make their training programs. I walk into the building nervous and wondering "will i be able to handle this" and walk out saying "did it really need to take 45 minutes to explain how to 'log in' and 'log out' of that program?".. oh and seeing as though i've only worked in one call centre, i was thinking that the whole 'call centre' aspect was a pretty tough one. I'm starting to realize (don't forget this is only the first day and so things could drastically change) that my first experience in this line of work was a damn good one. The amount of information they packed into my brain to get the job done was incredulous, the programs we used where suffistocated and numerous. Today when i asked "so when do we learn the rest of the programs?" the reply i got was "that's it, you just use the one we've given you, and the intranet and information database." ....uhhhh...ok, so maybe this job is going to be easy, and then again maybe it won't, i will not rest on the fact that it is going to be easy, specially after the first day. But what i've had so far, points down the road that has a shaded rest stop every 10 feet. This gives me only one idea, i will give it my best shot, and see where it takes me. There is loads of room for advancment, and i'm ready to advance myself.
On another job note, i believe my time at the TACF Riverside Cafe is at an end. I've realize i do not need to be money hungry, allthough having an exorbitant amount of money is fine by me, but at the same time, working in a place that just gets under my skin the whole time i am there is just not worth the paycheque...specially when i don't need it in the first place. And i've got this feeling that i'm walking into this new job with a certain favour of a God that is big enough to get me some very serious promotions...
So, all things put into perspective, less money means less toys...but only for a little while longer. I'm good for the next couple monthes. This week and next week i work at the cafe. When i finish my training in 5 weeks i have some contract work that will take me probably 2-3 weeks and then i'll work part time at my new job till full time is available. i won't be strapped for cash, that's for sure.
Sunday, July 04, 2004
I wonder where this life is...
So, here's a blog, this is my first post and I'm still wondering what I'm going to write about here. Hell, i don't even know who's going to read it, but if ya do, i hope you walk away with something, even if it's just a smile.
So here we go...
- Went golfing yesterday, shot my best game yet, a whopping 92. So, i guess that isn't that good, but i had some good points to it, 4 pars, all on par 4's which makes me happy. At least it wasn't on cheezy par 3's..allthough makes me wonder why i wasn't getting par on those 3's. My goal while being in cornwall for these 2 weeks was to break 90. I'm not thinking that will happen because as of right now the weather for this week is not looking favourable for the golf course getting put to good use.
- Been writing a book these last couple weeks, haven't gotten around to it in the last week actually, but the first week got 25 pages written. I'll think about putting a snipit of it on here to see what people think.
- I've been looking at getting a computer lately, and Microsoft's new "Window's XP Media Center Edition" really caught my eye. It's got style, easy functionality and runs smooth. What's really got me pissed is that Microsoft, a corporation that doesn't need more money as far as ..well, everyone is concerned, is not selling this O.S. individually but you have to buy it as a package from an 'authorized Media Center PC seller' which of course is only authorized by Microsoft. So it's stupid stores that either sell bulk computers that don't have the greatest of experts on hand, or they are the really expensive stores (ie. radio shack, the Brick etc...). This is just rediculous, so i've gone on a quest to find out what i need to do to take a computer i want to build (or have built for me) and make it into a Media Centre without giving into the Microsoft idiot's. Oh sure, let me point out that i'll be purchasing Microsoft Window's XP Home Edition for my new computer, but i won't bend over to much for them...
My thoughts for today, not so many of them, what can i say i'm on vacation...
So here we go...
- Went golfing yesterday, shot my best game yet, a whopping 92. So, i guess that isn't that good, but i had some good points to it, 4 pars, all on par 4's which makes me happy. At least it wasn't on cheezy par 3's..allthough makes me wonder why i wasn't getting par on those 3's. My goal while being in cornwall for these 2 weeks was to break 90. I'm not thinking that will happen because as of right now the weather for this week is not looking favourable for the golf course getting put to good use.
- Been writing a book these last couple weeks, haven't gotten around to it in the last week actually, but the first week got 25 pages written. I'll think about putting a snipit of it on here to see what people think.
- I've been looking at getting a computer lately, and Microsoft's new "Window's XP Media Center Edition" really caught my eye. It's got style, easy functionality and runs smooth. What's really got me pissed is that Microsoft, a corporation that doesn't need more money as far as ..well, everyone is concerned, is not selling this O.S. individually but you have to buy it as a package from an 'authorized Media Center PC seller' which of course is only authorized by Microsoft. So it's stupid stores that either sell bulk computers that don't have the greatest of experts on hand, or they are the really expensive stores (ie. radio shack, the Brick etc...). This is just rediculous, so i've gone on a quest to find out what i need to do to take a computer i want to build (or have built for me) and make it into a Media Centre without giving into the Microsoft idiot's. Oh sure, let me point out that i'll be purchasing Microsoft Window's XP Home Edition for my new computer, but i won't bend over to much for them...
My thoughts for today, not so many of them, what can i say i'm on vacation...
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